Guided Communication explained

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The great thing about online dating is that you can get to know your matches before deciding whether to meet them. The eHarmony Guided Communication feature is designed to make this process simpler, and help you make that all-important decision.

You may have noticed that eHarmony is different from other dating sites, and our Guided Communication process is just one part of what makes us stand out. It is designed to make you feel safe and confident when you’re getting to know someone. To help you work out if Guided Communication is right for you, we’ve outlined how it works below, and the benefits you can expect from it.

1.    Read through their ‘About Me

When you receive a match from us, take the time to read through their ‘About Me’ page. We know there’s a temptation to skim read things, especially online, and especially if you have lots of matches to read through, but you never know what might spark your interest. Remember that your matches have been chosen for their compatibility with you, and your first impressions may be wrong.

Any match worth a look will have taken the time to fill out their profile carefully, but at the same time don’t expect to love every element of a match’s About Me description. As long as there’s something there that make you think ‘I want to know more about this person’, then you’re on the right track. That’s where the next step of Guided Comms comes in – you can send your chosen match(es) their first round of questions, and start to get to know them properly.

2.    First round of questions

In this stage, we provide you with a bank of simple, yet informative questions for you to choose from to ask your match. Pick the five you think will tell you the most about your match; the questions could shed light on their communication style or maybe how they’d react to certain situations. They should help you get to know your match, in a low pressure situation. When your match replies, they will send you their five questions so you can reciprocate.

3.    Specify your ‘Must Haves’ and ‘Can’t Stands’

Most people have certain relationship absolutes. It might be that you will not consider dating a smoker, but your match has to want children. This is not the same as drawing up a shopping list and applying it until you meet the perfect man or woman – it is just the acceptance that we all have deal breakers, and by ignoring those, we run the risk of starting a relationship with someone who will ultimately be unsuitable. You choose these when you set up your profile, but can edit them at any time. At this stage, you should send them to your match, who will send their own Must Haves and Can’t Stands back.

4.    Second round of questions

The final part of Guided Communication is to send three open-ended questions to your match. You can send your own, if you have something specific you’d like to ask, or choose from our list of thought provoking questions – whichever you prefer. These can help you dig deeper into the things you’ve started to discover about your match such as their values and hopes for the future.

Open Communication

Open Communication is a free form way of communicating with your matches after you’ve completed Guided Communication together. You can send each other messages on any subject you’d like as you start to really get to know each other. Remember that if you are at all nervous, this stage is still completely anonymous. Try to carry through anything you’ve learnt during Guided Communication, and if you need more tips check out our ‘Six online dating email dos and don’ts article.

Do I have to go through Guided Communication?

Not at all – some users prefer to skip straight to the messaging stage, bypassing Guided Communication.  To do this, request to communicate with your match via eHarmony Mail – this will send your initial message at the same time. If they accept, you will meet in Open Communication and go from there.

In our experience some matches prefer Guided Communication, and if this is the case you will receive a message telling you this. The next step is up to you, but we would urge you to take the opportunity – you never know where it may lead.


If this article gave you the confidence to find your match, try eHarmony today!

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