“We’re in love, so we’ll work it out” and other dating myths

As yet another celebrity marriage bites the dust, one wonders if these two actually talked about the realities of the future more than the endorsements for the wedding ceremony.  To give them the benefit of the doubt that at least one or two conversations were had before the trip down the aisle, what kept them from seeing the obvious red flags? What can dating couples learn from Kris and Kim’s demise?

In the Beginning, there was the illusion of perfection

A burgeoning relationship (which I define as the first three months) is so filled with infatuation and (for some) physical interaction that it’s natural to feel the overwhelming positive wave that comes with the hope that the right person has finally arrived.  We push aside- or don’t ever see- some of their faults, and vault up their strengths to a label that sounds a lot like perfection.  We idealize.  We put on rose-colored-glasses of love, or what researchers refer to as “positive illusions.”

Is this bad?  Not always, but for couples where the reality of the partner’s wants, needs, and behaviours is a gulf-wide difference to their idealized form, this spells trouble.  When this “perfect” partner is paired with a fairytale level of extremely high romantic beliefs, the inevitable disillusionment and disappointment might be too much to handle.

Fairytale beliefs about love lead to quick burnout in reality

What are some examples of fairytale romanticism?

Love can overcome any obstacle.  AKA: Love is all you need.  Turns out supportiveness, responsiveness, fidelity, communication, financial security and manageable stress (to name a few) are just as important to the success of a relationship.

There is only one ideal partner for me.  AKA: Soulmates.  This belief is a great way to turn yourself into a neurotic mess by 35.  There are many compatible relationship partners for someone out in the world.

True relationships are perfect, and so is my partner.  As it turns out, all humans have faults.  How couples handle each other’s shortcomings is vital to the success of their relationship.  Denying the faults are there might be the worst way to deal.

If you’re in love, you’ll “just know.” OR Love at first sight.  Some singletons are waiting to be hit over the head with love as soon as they see their soulmate.  For some, only an instant blazing fire of emotion will do.  These people miss potential compatible relationship partners simply because their first meeting didn’t automatically create this sensation.

Sex should always be great if I’m with the right partner. Despite your personal beliefs on when sex is permissible in a relationship, most people will engage in it at some point.  While there needs to be a baseline level of attraction, sex is just like any other skill with a learning curve.   Learning partners’ wants and needs for success in the bedroom doesn’t happen overnight (especially if it’s the wedding night).

Simply raising awareness to these unrealistic romantic beliefs is a step in the right direction.  If you are already in a relationship (especially one that you think will turn into marriage) consider premarital education courses.  These sessions help by myth-busting immature notions of love and relationships.  Couples get a sense of their wishes and expectations for themselves, their partner, and the relationship as a whole.  With this knowledge in hand, hopefully your marriage will last longer than 72 days.

Further Reading:

Sharp, E. & Ganong, L. (2000). Raising awareness about marital expectations: Are unrealistic beliefs changed by integrative teaching? Family Relations, (49) 71-76. Doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3729.2000.00071.x

Murray, S.L. (1999). The quest for conviction: Motivated cognition in romantic relationships.  Psychological Inquiry, (10), 23-35. Doi: 10.1207/s15327965pli1001_3