Are secret relationships alluring or damaging?

Have you ever had a secret romantic relationship – a covert liaison that you kept from others?  Maybe it was just something you wanted to keep to yourselves – a romantic escapade between just the two of you.  Or maybe it was something you had to keep from gossipy coworkers, critical parents, or disapproving friends.  Although secret relationships can be alluring and sometimes necessary, does the secrecy have further consequences?

Researchers found that 15-33% of dating participants across their multiple studies were currently in a relationship that they hid from at least one other person (Foster & Campbell, 2005).  

There is definitely something to secrecy that is exciting.  For example, in one study, participants were assigned to touch the feet of another partner under the table while playing cards (Wegner, Lane, & Dimitri, 1994).  Those told to do it stealthily, had more attraction for their partner compared to those who performed the action out in the open (in front of other card players).  Researchers explained that the more you try to suppress a secret, the stronger it comes out, and therefore the more you think about it. Perhaps it was also the thrill of the secret that somehow got passed on to the partner, making him or her seem more thrilling as well.

In another study, researchers found that secrecy in the relationship was also associated with less commitment (Lehmiller, 2009).  They found that in hiding the relationship from others, secret-keepers were less likely to think of themselves and their partners as a joint pair and therefore limited the closeness and connection they felt in the relationship.   

As an important note, the findings were supported such that secrecy predicted commitment rather than the other way around.  It would be easy to think of an example where someone were embarrassed about a relationship partner (i.e., had less commitment to the relationship) and therefore wanted to hide it from his/her friends (i.e., developed secretive behaviors).  However this pattern may be more of an exception than a rule as it was not supported by the data.

The bottom line is that keeping relationship partners hidden might unintentionally undermine the foundation of the relationship – something to keep in mind before your next secret tryst.

Further Reading:

Foster, C., & Campbell, W. (2005). The adversity of secret relationships Personal Relationships, 12 (1), 125-143 DOI: 10.1111/j.1350-4126.2005.00105.x

Lehmiller, J.J. (2009). Secret romantic relationships: consequences for personal and relational well-being. Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin, 35 (11), 1452-66 PMID: 19713569

Wegner, D., Lane, J., & Dimitri, S. (1994). The allure of secret relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 66 (2), 287-300 DOI: 10.1037/0022-3514.66.2.287

Follow @ehLabs