Can you ask your kids to take sides after a divorce?

I’ve been reading about several divorced dads and the varied connection they have with their children.  What are factors within the divorce process that make it so difficult (or easy) to provide good parenting?  Is one spouse 100% to blame?  Is it possible that some of these fathers are good parents in horrible circumstances?

Mothers influence the children’s relationship with the Father, even after divorce.

It’s important to understand the origin of situations like these in the constellation of the divorce process; many times it’s the mother that gets the benefit of the doubt, and the father has to prove his worth.  It’s possible for a good father to lose his cool after repeatedly being isolated and demeaned.   According to a review of literature on divorced fathers, Nielson (1999) reported that “the single most important factor [for parental relationships] is the mother’s attitude towards the father.  That is, fathers and children usually remain close only if the mother actively encourages and facilitates their relationship…too many divorced fathers end up with little or no relationship with their children in part because the mother has not been supportive.”  In other words, mothers still have a responsibility in nurturing and prioritizing their children’s relationship with their father after the divorce (provided there is no legitimate reason to separate them), even if it pains the ego to do so.

What about the identity as a father and a husband?  Looking at a case study supplied by Baum (2004) divorced parents have to outwardly sever the identity as a spouse, but inwardly those roles may remain joined.  This may result in psychological “residuals” of the former identity as a spouse, affecting the man’s ability to create a new identity as a fully transitioned ex-husband and present father.  Worse yet, the more these residuals remain present, the easier it is for reminders of that former life to trigger strong emotions previously experienced by the marriage (something referred to in the paper as “refueling”).

Why does it matter who the children are close to- as long as they have one of us?

Looking at Nielson’s 1999 review of the literature again, several studies reported that teenagers and young adults that maintain close relationships with their fathers are less likely to experience clinical depression, eating disorders, or anxiety disorders.  The children also tend to be more socially mature and have fewer problems related to dating and sexuality particularly if the mother hasn’t remarried.  Many turn to their father to get practical advice on everyday matters or future considerations regarding jobs or education.  Nielson doesn’t mention the influence of a supportive male role model (like a step-father, uncle, family friend) if the father is flat-out not appropriate or available, and I hope that would make a difference.

Bottom line, if you are divorced make sure to put your children’s relationship with the other parent above your ill feelings of the relationship, especially when you know deep-down that your ex is good to your kids.  Denying your children a relationship with a good ex may have devastating long-term consequences.  If there are legitimate reasons why a relationship is not possible, make sure your children have good role models of both genders to help in their development.

Further Reading:

Baum, N. (2004), Coping With “Absence-Presence”: Noncustodial Fathers’ Parenting Behaviors. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 74: 316–324. doi: 10.1037/0002-9432.74.3.316. PMID:15291708

Nielsen, L. (1999). Demeaning, demoralizing, and disenfranchising divorced Dads: A review of the literature. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 31(3-4), 139-177.  DOI: 10.1300/J087v31n03_08