Dating

Remember the first time you meet someone? You’re nice, polite, funny. You smile, act interested, laugh at their jokes. And as you get to know them better, the newness dies down, you become more relaxed, more comfortable. And then maybe there’s that point things turn, when you become almost too relaxed. You make them get you water because you don’t want to get up, you tell them that shirt makes them look odd, or you even tell them their jokes aren’t that funny.

Have you ever been afraid to rely on your partner for fear you would be thought of as weak or- gasp- dependent? Turns out that relying on your partner during stressful times- and getting the proper support- may help you act more independently in the future.

A recent article in the Washington Post by Shankar Vedantam reported some of the benefits of doing altruistic and moral things. In short, more and more research on the brain is showing that doing good makes us feel good (and doing the wrong thing makes us feel bad), and that these altruistic and moral tendencies may be rooted deeply in our biology and our evolutionary past.

The point of being in a relationship is to find someone who understands you, who loves you unconditionally, who lets you feel free. But even when you find that relationship, do you ever think about the “what ifs”? What if we grow tired of one another, what if we want different things in our lives, what if he loses interest in me, what if she meets someone new? You want to be close with your partner, but you don’t want to be hurt if the “what ifs” come true.

Lots of people debate if internet dating works or doesn’t. Recently Dr. Jeff Gavin of the University of Bath did an internet study looking at the success rates of internet dating. Here’s what he found.

Dr. Laura’s harsh comments regarding the lives and perspectives of military wives leaves me appalled. As someone who is licensed as a marriage and family counselor, it would seem that she would understand the impact of trauma on a family, and the need to demonstrate empathy for those who are undergoing trauma. To tell military wives to basically “suck it up” is to ignore decades of research on the impact that trauma, stress, and burnout has on relationships (both in and out of the military).

I’ve noticed a trend in evolutionary psychology to attribute motivations and behaviors in modern humans to our evolutionary prequels. According to some, my wife probably chose me based on my dominant genetic traits and physical symmetry which indicated my potential to breed strong babies. It goes without saying that I smelled good.

We need others – we long to be close, to be loved, and to belong. The closer we get, however, the more vulnerable we become, and the potential to hurt others and to be hurt increases. Not following through with a promise, forgetting a birthday, or having an affair – these violations can be hurtful, especially when they come from those we rely on and trust the most. But what happens when we are hurt? How do we evolve past these incidents so that we can maintain our closeness and connection to others?

Do birds of a feather really flock together or do opposites attract? Are we attracted to people who are similar or who compliment? Although people still have varying opinions on this question the research on the topic is pretty clear. You are more likely to be attracted to and more likely to have a satisfying relationship with someone who is similar. In fact, when Thomas Gilovich (Cornell University), Dacher Keltner (UC Berkeley), and Richard Nisbett (University of Michigan) addressed this topic in their Social Psychology text book (one that is used in psychology classes in many colleges and universities) they concluded that “Similarity is the rule and complimentarity is the exception” (page 102).

Despite their geeky image (or perhaps because of it?) scientists have been devoting an increasing amount of attention to what makes Person A more attractive than Person B. Some things we’ve known for a long time. Propinquity (science lingo for “being nearby”), youth and health have long been viewed as important elements of physical attraction, as has physical symmetry. However, little has been offered that would seem to help the “dater in need of assistance.” What can you do to make yourself more attractive tonight?