Creating Closeness on a First Date

You are excited about meeting your date for the first time.  After exchanging a few emails, you think this date has potential and you want it to go well.  Meeting someone for the first time can  cause some anxiety especially if you are unsure of what to say.  Research shows that some questions and conversations are better at enhancing connectedness in a budding relationship than others. 

In a series of studies, participants were paired with someone they did not know before (Aron et al., 1997).  Then they were given a set of questions or conversation topics used to either enhance closeness between the pair or be neutral small-talk questions.  Pairs who interacted in the closeness condition, compared to those in the neutral, small-talk condition, felt significantly closer to their partners after 45 minutes of conversation.

Questions and statements used in the experimental condition were chosen specifically to be personal or focused on the other person.  And in the study, topics of conversation got gradually more intimate, so no need to jump into the most intimate or personal questions right off the bat. 

Here are a few examples of questions you might try and a few you can leave at home.

• Instead of this: What newspaper do you read?
  • Try this: How would you describe your perfect day? 
• Instead of this:  What did you do on your last vacation?
  • Try this: What is the most important quality of a good friend? 
•  Instead of this: What kind of music do you like?
  • Try this: If you could know something about the future of your life, what would it be?

And if you are feeling brave, tell your partner what you like about them already – try saying something you normally would not say to some you just met.

 Although questions about vacations and music are worthwhile in getting to know someone, they can be less personal and are not as effective in getting people to feel particularly close to one another.  In addition, evaluative questions that have “right” or “wrong” answers – even if it is your own humble opinion – may make people feel more closed than open, especially if questions seem more like an interrogation than a date.

Exchanging information and getting to know each other are important parts of developing a relationship.  By using questions to enhance intimacy, rather than keeping the questions polite and generic, you can actually induce your partner to feel closer to you.  And of course, be sure to ask and answer questions sincerely yourself.  Since intimacy is a two-way street, you also want your date feeling close to you.

For those already in an established relationship, answering personal questions with other couples (i.e., getting to know new couple friends) can also help strengthen your own relationship (Slatcher, 2010).  Researchers explain that interacting with new people and sharing personal information makes you feel good, and these positive feelings in turn make you feel closer to the other couple as well as to your own partner.    

Further Reading:

For more examples of questions and conversation topics that enhance closeness, read: Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E., Vallone, R., & Bator, R. (1997). The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23 (4), 363-377 DOI: 10.1177/0146167297234003

Slatcher, R. (2010). When Harry and Sally met Dick and Jane: Creating closeness between couples Personal Relationships, 17 (2), 279-297 DOI: 10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01276.x