Equality in the Bedroom (and why it matters)

After a recent outpouring of opinions for Dr. Erina Lee’s blog on whether men or women should pay for first dates, it got me thinking: how does equality affect sex? In the reader’s comments, many people brought up the exchange women make for things like meals, commitment, gifts, more dates, etc., insinuating a critical exchange between men and women and how it affects life in the bedroom. Here I look further into this area which helps spell out the Dos and Don’ts of finding equality (and harmony) in bed.

1) DO live in a place that suits your needs
• New research from Roy Baumeister of Florida State University in Tallahassee contends that a country’s importance of gender equality directly corresponds with satisfaction and frequency of sex. He has an interesting take on Social Exchange Theory in which he believes that female sexuality is used as a resource for women, as they tend to desire sex less frequently than men. Countries with higher gender equality had more sex partners per capita, more casual sex, greater tolerance for premarital sex, and a younger age for first sexual encounter. When a woman lives in a country where women are highly disadvantaged, they tend to restrain sex, as it is their strongest resource. Therefore, men need to work harder for it by providing other resources that women are unable to provide themselves. His very unromantic point is, in either scenario, men and women alike have an (mostly) unspoken exchange as a part of their interaction.

2) DON’T compare your satisfaction with your partner’s (or your friend’s)
• Through 50 interviews with women ages 25-67, Maya Lavie-Ajaui found that many women tend to compare themselves to men in terms of the degree of sexual satisfaction. They felt that having fewer orgasms than men meant that there must be a problem with them. Lavie-Ajuai says, “By imposing a male ‘normality’ on women, it places responsibility on women to overcome the differences, and to perform sexually as if they were men.” Because men are viewed as being more physical, and women are viewed as more emotional, we tend to find men to be simple and women to be complicated. This comparison, as well as viewing a woman’s needs as problematic and complex are combined to reinforce what Lavie-Ajaui terms “the orgasmic imperative” in which having an orgasm becomes the ultimate goal of having sex, otherwise feeling deep disappointment (more on this in #4).

3) DO speak up
• I started browsing the community forums in eHarmony’s Advice site. This is a place where people can go to ask other people for advice on issues they may be encountering, or to express their opinion on a topic. I noticed that in many of the topics within the “Let’s Talk About Sex” group, people were asking about how they should handle certain situations with their partners. For instance, in a previous thread, one user asked about how soon he should reveal he has a foot fetish. Instead of telling him to keep it to himself, almost all respondents told him to have a frank discussion with his partner – if they weren’t into it, it’s better to know now than invest time only to find out that your fetish is a deal breaker for your partner. The same goes to women. We should be talking openly with our partners about what we want in the boudoir; how else will they know what to do?

4) DON’T make having an orgasm the goal of intercourse
• It needs to be understood that roughly 70% of women do not achieve orgasm from intercourse only. In fact, some researchers believe that the women who do achieve orgasm through intercourse happened to have been exposed to lower amounts of prenatal androgens, which determine the necessary spacing of the anatomy of sex organs (Wallen & Lloyd, 2010) for this to occur. In other words, whether or not you have an orgasm through intercourse was decided for you long before you started having sex. If you make achieving orgasm the only goal of intercourse (the orgasmic imperative), you begin to lose sight of the other benefits of physical closeness and for many women, that void becomes filled with the anxiety of underachievement (Lavie-Ajaui, 2005). So don’t freak out if intercourse doesn’t work for you. Look at this as an opportunity to try new things while underlining the importance of foreplay to your partner.

5) DO try variations of the same thing
• Just because something doesn’t work for you one way, doesn’t mean it won’t work for you in another way. There is an intriguing article by N. Bizimana (2009) which describes an ancient African way of lovemaking called, Kunyaza. I would recommend reading up on this technique at home, as the images are not suitable for work (NSFW). But basically, Bizimana describes this traditional sexual technique which seems to effectively stimulate strong orgasms in women and involves very little (if any, depending on the variation) intercourse, but still gives you the physical connection with a partner. This connection is important, according to the women in Lavie-Ajaui’s study and is a necessary component to sexual satisfaction for women. So whether it’s an ancient secret passed down to generations, of if you just want to turn over to the other side, do it. If what you’re doing isn’t working for you, team up with your partner to try something else!

6) DON’T use the word “normal”
• When it comes to sex, what’s normal to you might be completely out of bounds (or extremely boring) to someone else. We tend to learn our own sense of normalcy and compare our partners to our definition, and then we judge (Lavie-Ajaui, 2005). Worse, when we have a problem (achieving orgasm, low sex drive, etc.), we tend to view ourselves as abnormal. By loosening our grip on our definition of normal, we can start to understand our preferences. You stop judging others and stop judging yourself. In doing this, you might find out that after a little exploration, your preferences begin to align differently to your definition of normal than they once did.

7) DO empower yourself to say when
• Another discussion from Baumeister’s study was that typically (unless otherwise forced) women have the power to say when sex can happen – or if it will happen. Don’t base this decision on whether or not you think he might not ask you out again. Respect your boundaries enough to know what you’re comfortable with. By doing this, you are less likely to have regrets about your decisions. Talk to your partner about how you view the progression of your physical relationship and at what speed you would like to take things. When the both of you start off on the same page, you have a healthy platform to discuss other issues that may arise.

So these are a few of what I’m sure are many tips for equality in the bedroom. If you can think of other things that were left off this list, please be sure to comment and fill us in!

Further Reading:

Baumeister, R., & Vohs, K. (2004). Sexual Economics: Sex as Female Resource for Social Exchange in Heterosexual Interactions Personality and Social Psychology Review, 8 (4), 339-363 DOI: 10.1207/s15327957pspro804_2

Bizimana, N. (2010). Another way for lovemaking in Africa: Kunyaza, a traditional sexual technique for triggering female orgasm at heterosexual encounters☆ Sexologies, 19 (3), 157-162 DOI: 10.1016/j.sexol.2009.12.oo3

Lavie-Ajayi, M. (2005). “Because all real women do”: The construction and deconstruction of “female orgasmic disorder” Sexualities, Evolution & Gender, 7 (1), 57-72 DOI: 10.1080/14616660500123664

Wallen, K., & Lloyd, E. (2011). Female sexual arousal: Genital anatomy and orgasm in intercourse Hormones and Behavior, 59 (5), 780-792 DOI: 10.1016/j.yhbeh.2010.12.004