Explaining the Decline in Marital Satisfaction Post Baby
by Lynlee Tanner | March 27, 2008
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As Steve Carter recently mentioned, a lot of research points to the idea that having a child will inevitably take a toll on your marriage. However, many of these conclusions have been made by only studying couples who have children, rather than in comparison to couples who choose not to have children in the first several years of marriage. So the questions remain: Are changes in satisfaction a direct result of having a child, or do these changes just represent a normal “coming down” period as newlywed bliss fades? Are there other factors to consider besides the birth of a child in explaining satisfaction declines?
A recent study by Erika Lawrence and colleagues (including my dear advisor, Tom Bradbury) set out to find these answers by doing a controlled comparison of newlywed couples across the first five years of marriage. About two-thirds of couples had their first child during this time while the other third chose not to have a child (couples battling infertility were excluded), and couples were matched across groups to make sure that any observed differences were not due to how long they had been married or other demographic information.
What they found adds some important nuance to the question of post-child marital satisfaction. Yes, both husbands’ and wives’ happiness with their marriage drops faster around the time of having a child than does that of couples who do not have children during this same time. But, it’s important to point out that these couples on average start higher in satisfaction than childless couples too. So even though this may feel like a bigger change from where they started, there is a “selection effect” associated with deciding to have children earlier in marriage, which may mean they have a firmer relationship foundation for weathering the stresses of parenthood. Couples who are less happy often choose to postpone parenting or forgo it altogether.
This is not to say that couples should, or have to, just sit and passively accept these changes though. Another important finding was that both husbands and wives who were happier early on were more likely to have planned their pregnancy, and this planning resulted in less of a drop in satisfaction over time, especially for husbands. Thus it seems that being more prepared for and involved with the pregnancy and planning for the changes a child will bring can protect couples from the “baby bummer.”
Moral of the story: Being a parent is hard work and the freedom and flexibility you have to simply enjoy your spouse will likely take a hit. But a little planning, whether it is stocking up on fun leisure time together pre-baby or merely sitting down to hash out your desires and expectations before plunging in can go a long way in preserving the positive characteristics of your marriage that made you interested in baby-making in the first place.
Further Reading:
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