Recent research investigated how social networks can play a part in a romantic relationship.  First, researchers looked at how each partner within the relationship perceived their friends and family felt about the relationship over time.   In general, more approval of the relationship and liking for the others friends and families increased throughout the relationship.  Specifically, for men, they felt that the approval of their relationship by their own friends and family increased as the relationship went on, as well as liking their partner’s friends more and more.  Both men and women felt that their relationship was getting more approval from their partner’s friends and family over time.  However, women did tend to like their partner’s family less as the relationship progressed.  It could be that women just flat out tend to like their partner’s family less as they get to know them more, but it could also be that certain family members are liked less over time rather than the entire family.

In another aspect of the study, the researchers looked at how these different approvals and likings of the couple’s friends and families could in fact predict the chances of the couple breaking up.  They found that the more her friends approved of the relationship and the more she liked her partner’s family would significantly increase the chances of the couple staying together five years later.  This effect was not found for men.  But why?  It could be that women are more likely to involve their friends in everything that happens in the relationship, and turn to them for advice more often than men.  If the woman’s friends don’t approve of the relationship, they’ll more than likely tell the woman to end the relationship when turned to for advice.

This research shows that outside of your own development and maintenance of your relationship, the way your friends and family feel about you and your partner can have a real effect on your relationship.  So if you are just starting a new relationship, winning your partner’s friends and family over may be essential, especially when they are giving advice to your partner!  Even though integrating your social network with your partner’s social network can be painful at times, it is clearly important to do so in a way that makes your friends and family supportive of your new relationship.

Further Reading:

Maywood, E. (2011). The trouble with in-laws…

SPRECHER, S., & FELMLEE, D. (2000). Romantic partners’perceptions of social network attributes with the passage of time and relationship transitions Personal Relationships, 7 (4), 325-340 DOI: 10.1111/j.1475-6811.2000.tb00020.x

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When men used sexually explicit materials primarily with their partner, they were happier in their relationship. However, men who mainly used sexually explicit materials alone (which was more common for men) were less happy in their relationships and had slightly less happy partners.  When women used sexually explicit materials it was more likely to be with a partner than alone, and those who did so were happier in their relationships and had happier relationship partners.

Researchers found that when used with a partner, sexually explicit materials have a neutral or slightly positive effect on the relationship.  However, when used alone, use of sexually explicit materials is less beneficial.  Whether problems lead to more solo media use or whether more solo media use leads to problems is still under debate.   Interestingly feelings of commitment in relation to erotic material usage (either alone or together) were not included in this study.

Tell us what you think…

Further Reading:
Bridges, A., & Morokoff, P. (2011). Sexual media use and relational satisfaction in heterosexual couples Personal Relationships, 18 (4), 562-585 DOI: 10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01328.x

Sascha Topolinski and his students studied whether or not merely typing a specific combination of numbers on a mobile might change your emotional state. In order to do this, Topolinski devised a set of numeric sequences which correspond to positive and negative words. Participants (who were told they were part of a study on ergonomics) were then given a cell phone which had stickers over the buttons so they were able to see numbers, but were not able to see letters.  After typing each numeric sequence, they were asked how pleasant the action of dialing the numbers was.

On average, participants preferred dialing numbers relating to positive words. Interestingly, each sequence only included numeric-word pairings that didn’t necessitate dialing the same number twice in a row. Therefore, it could be ruled out that people may be used to, for example, hitting the number 5 three times to reach the letter, “L” and so forth. Simply dialing 5683 could make participants feel like what they were doing was a pleasant activity.

Topolinski points to a psychological concept called, “embodiment”, which proposes that particular movements in your body can make you think of a related idea, to explain his findings.  In an interview with Science Daily about this study, he suggests that this study opens a new door in embodiment research. He explains that in essence, participants were all doing the same behaviour – typing numbers on a phone. However, because of the different pathways in typing each sequence, he was able to induce specific positive and negative feelings.

So the next time you begin to feel a little blue, take out your mobile and dial away! Better yet, change your phone number so people who call you having a feeling of being loved before you even pick up the phone.

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Further Reading:

Beber, J. (2011). To text or not to text? Dating and your mobile phone.

Topolinski, S. (2011). I 5683 You: Dialing Phone Numbers on Cell Phones Activates Key-Concordant Concepts Psychological Science, 22 (3), 355-360 DOI: 10.1177/0956797610397668

Valentine's Day can often be a catalyst for break-ups.

Should new relationships be avoided or encouraged around Valentine’s Day?  This holiday unlike most others has (or at least is marketed) a scripted path of success: card/flowers, dinner, “romantic” activity.  Walking this path may just fulfill a relationship requirement without scoring any relationship points.    While the holiday provides an opportunity for couples to express their intimate feelings for one another (or to purchase a card that will do it for them) the very nature of the holiday’s expectation for emotionally-laden gestures might overwhelm fledgling relationships, or break those that are teetering.  Conversely, those in high quality relationship should theoretically sail through this holiday, since their emotional overtures should be time-tested and genuine.  Considering that the conditions for a “successful” Valentine’s Day is fraught with peril, should any couple besides the experienced and satisfied try to get through it?

A new study shows how Valentine’s Day has a catalyzing effect on relationship dissolution, with unhappy couples more likely to break up before or directly after this holiday than compared to the rest of the year.   Couples that broke up were highly correlated with decreases in expectations, decreases in favorable relationship comparisons, an increase in attractiveness to other potential mates, and a general decrease in relationship quality.  Valentine’s Day facilitated the downward slope into break up.  However, this holiday had no influence on high-quality relationships or those whose feeling for each other was increasing at the time of the study.

The Valentine’s Day effect was not limited to the new or casual relationship.  In this study, the average relationship length was 18 months.  Many of the couples reported high levels of relationship quality, regardless of duration.

Would these unhappy couples have otherwise survived if they hadn’t felt this way over the holiday?  Possibly.  Past research has shown that unhappy couples can more likely weather the angst of waning feelings or quality if it had happened at another time of year.  Valentine’s Day provides that spark to ultimately kill the flame.

Valentine’s Day can be important to both members of the couple, but it also has the downside of forcing couples to evaluate their relationship.  If you do experience a breakup during this time, consider the possibility that this holiday actually does you a favor.  Getting out of a relationship that was declining anyway saves you time, stress, and money.  It might be bitter consolation when the world seems to be extravagantly declaring its love for one another, but you’ll be well on your way to recovery by summertime.

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Further Reading:

Morse, K., & Neuberg, S. (2004). How do holidays influence relationship processes and outcomes? Examining the instigating and catalytic effects of Valentine’s Day Personal Relationships, 11 (4), 509-527 DOI: 10.1111/j.1475-6811.2004.00095.x

This is true – people look at their partner’s behaviours as an indicator of how well the relationship is going.  Research shows that when you see your partner following through on promises, you think he/she has your best interest in mind and feel happier about the relationship.

Unfortunately, this conclusion can be very misleading!  Think of the reverse scenario.  If you see that your partner does not follow through on his/her promises, you might conclude that that person does not care about your feelings or the relationship.  In fact, research shows that the more your partner likes you, the more promises he or she will make.  However, wanting to change does not translate to being able to change.  People who cared for their partners the most were not the ones who followed through on promises the most.

You might make the same mistake when looking at your own behaviours, too.  In a recent study, people attributed their own ability to follow through on promises more to their feelings for their partner rather than circumstances or their own personalities.  However, researchers found the opposite – that personality and circumstance mattered more than feelings.  People who followed through on promises were either more dependable and organized in general or they had a plan – for example, written steps to fulfill their promised behaviours.

The bottom line is that broken promises are not always a sign that your partner lacks consideration or that your relationship is in jeopardy.  If made with good intentions, the promises themselves may be a good sign.  Following through on behaviour changes can be tough, especially if you set high expectations.  If you are trying to make your own changes this year, consider making a plan to change those behaviours in addition to making resolutions.

Further Reading:

Peetz, J., & Kammrath, L. (2011). Only because I love you: Why people make and why they break promises in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 100 (5), 887-904 PMID: 21244176

Setrakian, H. (2011). Relationship Advice: Why do those that love you make promises they can’t keep.

1.  Who should pay for dates …men or women?

2.  How long do you wait for the ring?

3.  When good dates don’t call: Why does it hurt?

4.  When do you know your relationship is exclusive (without asking)?

5.  Does Playing Hard To Get Really Work?

6.  Relationship taboos: Are some topics too personal to discuss?

7.  How many relationships should you have before settling down with ‘the one’?

8.  Read this before saying “I love you”

9.  Have more sex by doing more housework

10.  Creating Closeness on a First Date

11.  Is he (or she) too good for you?

12.  Soulmates – how believing in them (or not) affects your relationships

13.  Flower Power: The Impact of Flowers on Dating

14.  How to break through social insecurity and get the acceptance you want from others

15.  Chat Up Lines that Actually Work

Researchers Carin Perilloux, Judith Easton and David Buss designed a study which put 69 males and 103 females through a “speed meeting” exercise in which every person talked to five potential opposite-sex mates for three minutes each. Prior to the exercise, all participants were asked to rate their own level of attractiveness as well as their intentions of having a short-term sexual encounter. Afterward, the participants rated each potential partner on measures such as physical attractiveness and whether they believed the potential partner had sexual interest in them.

Results suggested that men who were interested in a short-term sexual encounter tended to overestimate a woman’s desire for them. Additionally, there were differences among men in estimating a woman’s desire for themselves depending upon how attractive they thought themselves to be vs. his actual attractiveness (or, how attractive women rated him). The hotter a man thought he was, the more he overestimated women being hot for him. On the contrary, men who were actually attractive did not make this mistake. Women, on the other hand, tended to underestimate men’s desire in general.

In a recent Science Daily article, Perilloux discusses the impacts these findings have on evolution, in that she believes that these errors may have enhanced men’s reproductive success. The researchers suggest that the type of guy that continued to ask women out, even at the risk of being rejected, were likelier to reproduce and therefore pass on their erroneous ways of perceiving a woman’s desire.

Though previous research had already suggested that men and women tended to misidentify sexual cues from friendliness cues (Farris, Treat, Viken & McFall, 2008), this study is the first examine individual differences, according to Perilloux. Her advice to women is to be very clear when communicating either your desire or your disinterest in a man. Men should also be keenly aware of how their level of attraction to a potential mate might distort their perception of how the other person feels towards them.

So the next time you’re wondering what a potential mate might be thinking, keep these findings in mind in order to have the best shot at finding love.

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Similar articles from eHarmony Labs that you might enjoy:

Interest is in the Eye of the Beholder - Can you tell when others show interest in you? You might not be the only one…find out more.

Sexual Intentions are Written All Over Your Face - We can determined whether someone is looking for a long-term or short-term sexual partner just by looking at their face.

Is Love Blind? - Or does love make us blind? Despite wanting to know everything about our relationship partners, we are sometimes inaccurate in understanding how they feel. Find out more about Dr. Kenny’s latest research and discover why.

Further Reading:

Farris C, Treat TA, Viken RJ, & McFall RM (2008). Perceptual mechanisms that characterize gender differences in decoding women’s sexual intent. Psychological science, 19 (4), 348-54 PMID: 18399887

In previous studies, low serotonin levels have been associated with more social isolation or time alone.  Even certain monkeys with reduced serotonin levels have shown problems creating and keeping long-term relationships.

In this more recent study, scientists gave half a group of healthy adults a drink with tryptophan and gave the other half a drink without tryptophan.  Because the body uses tryptophan to generate serotonin, researchers believed that those given tryptophan would be able to make serotonin and thus help them attune better to social relationships.  Those not given tryptophan would be depleted of serotonin and be less attuned.

After given the drinks, the participants looked at photographs of couples either touching (i.e., holding hands, with arms around each other, or linking arms) or not touching standing slightly apart. They then rated couples on a number of things including how committed, intimate, romantic, trusting, etc. the couples were.

Participants who were depleted of tryptophan rated couples as less intimate and less romantic than those given tryptophan.  The effect held true even after controlling for the ways people think about relationships through their attachment styles.  For example, those with fearful or insecure attachment styles have more concern over being vulnerable and rejected in a relationship.  These people are less likely to see stability and romance between couples, but the effect of tryptophan worked even after controlling for attachment style.

So the lesson learned from this study is that serotonin can affect the way people think about relationships, at least temporarily.  And if this research extends to your own relationships, perhaps eating foods high in tryptophan – like egg whites, cod, and raw soybeans – on your next date will help you see more romance too.

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Similar articles from eHarmony Labs that you might enjoy:

Chocolate the Aphrodisiac: Science or Myth? – learn about the components of chocolate linked to mood and potential “aphrodisiac” effects, including tryptophan

Interest is in the Eye of the Beholder – your relationship status can affect your perception of romantic interactions

My fault, your fault, default? – read more about the genetic link to feeling emotionally upset and how men and women perceive these emotions

Further Reading:

Bilderbeck AC, McCabe C, Wakeley J, McGlone F, Harris T, Cowen PJ, & Rogers RD (2011). Serotonergic activity influences the cognitive appraisal of close intimate relationships in healthy adults. Biological psychiatry, 69 (8), 720-5 PMID: 21396628

Numerous studies have shown that stress will cause marital satisfaction to decline.  For example, Schulz et al. (2004) found that on days where a spouse experienced more work stress, their partner would rate them as more angry and irritable at home.  Studies have also shown stress causes diminished communications between couples, as well as a lower likelihood of forgiveness between spouses.  But why does stress hurt our relationships like this?  Finkel and Campbell (2001) discuss that pro-relationship behaviours require much more effort than destructive behaviours, requiring more self-control and attention to create those behaviours.  When someone is stressed, these self-regulation abilities are consumed by this external stress, and it doesn’t leave enough resources for self-control to create these pro-relationship behaviours, thus leading to lower feelings of marital satisfaction.

But is stress always bad for relationships?  Recent research by Neff and Broady (2011) examined if moderate stress early in a marriage can better prepare couples for very stressful times ahead.  In one of the studies, the researchers examined marital satisfaction at the beginning of the marriage and after the birth of their first child.  Although having a child can be a very joyous occasion, it can be an extremely stressful time in the lives of the couple and can strain the relationship.  They found that couples with high social support for one another who had experienced moderate stress early in their marriage had higher marital satisfaction after the birth of their first child than couples with high social support who hadn’t experienced much stress.  So in a sense, practice makes perfect in this case.  Even though a couple may be very supportive of one another, their marital satisfaction can suffer drastically if they don’t have experience managing stress in their lives.

But how can this work?  From dealing with early low to moderate levels of stress in your marriage, you and your partner build better strategies for dealing with this stress, discovering what works and what doesn’t for you.  You and your partner also get a boost in your confidence in being able to diffuse stressful situations from your successes in the past.  So when a bigger and more stressful event happens later on, you and your partner are much more prepared to deal with it than a similar couple who hasn’t had this practice in dealing with stress.

So if you find yourself stressed or see your partner stressed this holiday season, first and foremost, be supportive.  Listen to them vent about what’s irking them, offer words of advice on how to get around it, and show that you understand where they are coming from and that you care.  From these experiences, you will build up an arsenal to be able to tackle any event that comes your way in the future.

Further Reading:

Neff LA, & Broady EF (2011). Stress resilience in early marriage: Can practice make perfect? Journal of personality and social psychology, 101 (5), 1050-67 PMID: 21688919

Finkel EJ, & Campbell WK (2001). Self-control and accommodation in close relationships: an interdependence analysis. Journal of personality and social psychology, 81 (2), 263-77 PMID: 11519931

Schulz MS, Cowan PA, Cowan CP, & Brennan RT (2004). Coming home upset: Gender, marital satisfaction, and the daily spillover of workday experience into couple interactions. Journal of family psychology : JFP : journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43), 18 (1), 250-63 PMID: 14992625

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