How many relationships should you have before settling down with ‘the one’?

Have you ever been in a relationship with a great person and wondered if this person was the right person for you? Do you imagine who else you might be with if you hadn’t met them? Is there an ideal number of relationships one should have before settling down? Peter Todd, professor of informatics and cognitive science at Indiana University, says yes and he has the answer.

The short answer: 12. You should have 12 relationships before you settle down.

Here’s why: According to an interview with Todd in this month’s issue of Wired magazine, we should establish a baseline, otherwise described a point of reference, in order to clearly understand our relationship standards. Todd contends that 12 is roughly the number of relationships it will take to build up our baseline standards. Once our baseline is set, we should settle down with the next person we meet who exceeds our baseline standards. It’s so simple!

This doesn’t mean there isn’t any wiggle room. It’s unrealistic to expect 100% of the population to find true love on their thirteenth relationship. It could be a few more, or a few less. Likewise, if you have 12 horrible relationships in a row, it could be a sign that you should be looking elsewhere.

How many is too many?

How do we know if we’re being too picky? According to Todd, if you’re baseline’s nearing 30 people, odds are you’re being a Choosy Charlie.

How can we apply this knowledge elsewhere?

Todd suggests using this technique in choosing a home, or even an employee – any decision that requires an understanding of your preferences, available options, and past experiences.

Are there any holes in this theory?

This interview does not discuss what age we are supposed to start counting. Considering the numerous grade school “relationships” I’ve had, I could very easily be considered too picky. Furthermore, Todd doesn’t mention how serious a relationship should be in order to “count” in the baseline. Considering how research has shown that too many serious relationships in which you have cohabitated with your partner could lead to a higher risk of divorce (Lichter, 2008), they should probably not be weighted the same as someone you dated for a few months.

So I’d like to open this discussion up to you: would you use a set baseline, or do you believe it’s the heart that knows when to stop searching?

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Further Reading:

Dutton, J. (2011 November). A scientific way to find a soulmate. Wired, 171.

Lichter, Daniel T., Qian, Zhenchao (2008). Serial cohabitation and the marital life course. Journal of Marriage & the Family, 70 (4), 861-878