How to Look on the Brightside

I don’t know about you, but I am so sick of reading about celebrity infidelity. It’s always such a bummer to see how one person’s life is turned completely upside down and in the meantime, obtaining a comment is a reporter’s biggest concern. Yes, people cheat. Yes, according to the news and supermarket magazine stands, if you’re a politician, you will cheat; if you’re a famous athlete, you will cheat; if you own a motorcycle shop, you will cheat. A person’s profession is almost turning into an explanation for infidelity (that and the infamous and overly-used excuse of being a sex “addict”). I am worried that we as a society are falling into a spiral where we can’t fully believe in our partners, because everyone seems to be unfaithful these days.

Jesse James (the turd who cheated on Sandra Bullock) is quoted in Men’s Journal as saying, “I cheated on my wife. Guess what, so do millions of other men.” Thank you Jesse, for that fascinating insight! Do I really need to use the Brooklyn Bridge analogy here? It’s difficult to pinpoint exactly how many people cheat on their significant others. Regardless, I can tell you that there are politicians who remain faithful, there are famous athletes who remain faithful and there are motorcycle shop owners who remain faithful. So why don’t we as a society ever concentrate on the good guys (and gals)? Whatever happened to having idealism and hope in other people?

I came across this VIDEO while surfing through Ted.com (a site which boasts “Riveting talks by remarkable people, free to the world” – and it’s true) this week. It’s a rare clip of Viktor E. Frankl , renowned psychiatrist and neurologist (not to mention, Holocaust-survivor), discussing why we should believe in others. Frankl pioneered the psychotherapeutic school of Logotherapy, which is founded on the belief that striving to find meaning in life is the strongest and most powerful motivation for humans (“logos” is the Greek word for “meaning”). If you have ever read Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, you understand the strength and astonishing courage of this man. Suffice it to say, he is pretty extraordinary in that he found a common ground and understanding in everyone, including the officers at his concentration camps.

Frankl postulates that we need to overshoot our belief in others, in the same way that a pilot would begin crabbing (turning the nose of the plane slightly into the wind) in an effort to overcome a crosswind while maintaining the same target destination. By taking someone as they are without any added expectations, we make them worse. But by taking them as what they should be, we make them capable of becoming what they can be. And this is his basis for psychotherapeutic techniques.

It sounds flowery, yes. But this notion is similar to the idea of “fake it ‘til you make it” by smiling – if you smile more, even if you’re not in a particularly good mood, you will be happier. A professor of mine would practice this technique with adolescents at the juvenile detention center which she directed – pretend to be a productive member of society and you will become one. And most of them did. She held her clients to a higher standard than what they presented, and they turned out to be pretty good people. This practice is less existential and more behavioral but it goes to show that this idea of high expectations in self and others is found in more than one application of therapy.

Essentially, what Frankl is saying is that by not seeing the meaning in others, we make them worse. Therefore, we can’t give up on our spouses (or criminals or juveniles, for that matter). We should be idealists about our marriage and this idealism should go both ways. We should hold our significant others to a high standard but maintain realistic expectations of the outcome. By fully idealizing and believing in your relationship, it will be better. Of course there will be issues and communication road blocks at times. The catch is to appreciate the meaning of your partner in his or her life, not yours. If Frankl is right, and the strongest motivations of humans is finding meaning in life, this is the most powerful thing you can do for your partner. Believe in their meaning, and hold them to a higher standard than they hold themselves. This doesn’t mean you should critique the gifts they give or the amount they tip a waiter. It means we should encourage one another to be great. By having the fundamental presupposition of greatness, we are able to elicit it from each other.

People change, relationships change, lifestyles change. Much of it is out of our control. The one thing we can control is our attitude toward the changes and the way we shape our lives within the limits of the given possibilities. Let’s not assume the worst in people because it’s all we are exposed to. Let’s celebrate the people in our lives that remain honest and faithful and let’s not get trapped in the gossip-mill we call News.

Who’s with me?!

Further Reading:

Frankl, V. E. (1963). (I. Lasch, Trans.) Man’s Search for Meaning: An Introduction to Logotherapy. New York: Washington Square Press. (Earlier title, 1959: From Death-Camp to Existentialism. Originally published in 1946 as Ein Psycholog erlebt das Konzentrationslager)

Schnall, S., & Laird, J. D. (2003). Keep smiling: Enduring effects of facial expressions and postures on emotional experience. Cognition and Emotion, 17, 787-797.