How you can kill love with “should,” “always” and “never.” Do you have unrealistic expectations for a relationship?

Unrealistic expectations are biased notions of how one should behave, or how an extreme measure of acceptability in couple behaviour.  These are usually blanket statements that impose stress on anyone trying to adhere to them.  Here are examples of beliefs that can dismantle relationships:

Disagreement is always destructive: Do you think that partners should agree on all matters, getting extremely upset if your partner disagrees with you on even casual beliefs?  Can you not let an idea go until you both agree (or your partner agrees with you) even if it means you are up half the night arguing?   Do you feel that the relationship (or your feelings) is falling apart if you have a disagreement?  You might have an unrealistic belief about conflict in your relationship.

Relationship partners should sense each other’s thoughts and feelings without having to verbalize them:  This is tantamount to mind-reading.  Do you expect your partner to understand your moods simply by the huff in your voice?  Do you think people really in love should be attuned to each other at all times?  While partners should be empathetic to one another, super powers are for comic book heroes.  You are expecting too much from nonverbal communication.  While it’s risky to pipe up and talk about vulnerable feelings, it’s the only way to true intimacy with the one you love.

Partners cannot change:  Having this unrealistic belief is a great way to avoid doing the work behind a relationship.   Men and women learn new things and apply them in every area of their life, and relationships are no exception.  The flip side of this unrealistic expectation for a relationship is the idea that partners should and will change simply because the other one wants them to do so.  Partners need to share the power of influence in the relationship or else resentment will build.

Relationships should never feel mundane:   We all want to have a successful relationship.  Finding a partner might have felt like magic, but the day-to-day maintenance of a relationship can feel more like kneading bread.  It’s requires consistency and some routine; not every moment is amazing.  Even good couples have occasional issues with sex, connection, and communication- but they address these matters to keep them from getting out of hand. 

A good boy/girlfriend “should always…” Do you have a laundry list of must-haves for any relationship partner that predominantly has to do with how YOU are treated?  Do you proudly consider yourself high maintenance?  Everyone deserves respect and security in a relationship, but having the expectations of near worship is going too far in the name of love.   Similarly if you have a litany of rules for a relationship partner, you may just be walling yourself off from vulnerability and intimacy.

Further Reading:

Fincham, F. & Bradbury, T. (1987). The impact of Attributions in Marriage: A longitudinal Analysis Bradbury article on attributions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 53, 510-517. Doi: 10.1111/j.2044-8260.1988.tb00755.x PMID: 3656082

Sharp, E. & Ganong, L. (2000). Raising awareness about marital expectations: Are unrealistic beliefs changed by integrative teaching? Family Relations, (49) 71-76. Doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3729.2000.00071.x