Interest is in the Eye of the Beholder
by Erina Lee | April 1, 2009
{ 17 comments... read them below or add one}
Imagine you’re on a bind date, meeting someone for the first time. You talk, get to know each other. You look for cues to let you know if the other person is interested in you – a look, a certain smile. It is good to know if someone is interested in you so you know whether to go in for a kiss or expect a call for a second date. Interestingly, you may not be the only one who can see the interest cues – they may also be picked up by those around you, too.
In a study by Skyler Place and colleagues, 54 participants (college students from Indiana University) were asked to watch video clips of German speed dating interactions. During the speed dates, daters met a series of opposite sex daters in 3-minute, one-on-one conversations and then indicated whether they were interested in exchanging contact information with the other partner. The video clips were short 10- or 30-second footage of some of these speed dating interactions. After watching these clips, participants rated whether they thought the man was interested in the woman (yes/no) and whether the woman was interested in the man (yes/no).
The findings showed that the middle and end of the three-minute interaction were most valuable for observers to determine whether daters were interested in each other. Observers did well at predicting interest of men but less well at predicting interest of women. When an error was made, observers were more likely to think the woman was interested when, in fact, she wasn’t. Although this effect held true on average, there were both men and women who were difficult to read. Interestingly, observers who were in relationships did better at predicting than those who were single. Perhaps those in relationships have special insight over those who are not in relationships.
This study may be helpful in letting you know what and when to look for cues that your partner is interested. Pay more attention to the end of the interaction rather than the beginning. And if you’re not sure about whether your partner is interested…ask a friend or an outside observer, preferably someone who’s in a relationship already. They don’t even have to speak the same language as your date!
Further Reading:
Place, S., Todd, P., Penke, L., & Asendorpf, J. (2009). The Ability to Judge the Romantic Interest of Others Psychological Science, 20 (1), 22-26 DOI: 10.1111/j.1467-9280.2008.02248.x
So interesting. Especially the part about women being better at feigning interest. No surprise given how women are socialized.
Interesting but not surprising. People around me often let me know when a woman is interested in me, largely because I am oblivious. I see a lot of poor behavior-in the name of love, so I am usually shut-down to cues. If a relationship is going to be successful, then it cannot be built on simple attraction.
I frequently detect women that show interest in me, but I basically block it out because they do not interest me. The women that I would want to show an interest in me (or even pretend it), usually do not and I know subconsciously that they know I am interested in them… so it is really the same thing as I am doing to those who do not interest me.
I believe, that maybe the reason that women cannot be read is simply because, we are more sensitive tord others, and rather not be rude. I for one, rather get to know the person before making judgement.
Perhaps the fact that people in relationships were better at determining interest is more related to how they established their relationship. Not that being in a relationship gives them some ability they did not have earlier.
I would like to meet a cheerful and pretty woman between the age of 35 to 45. I am a ex marine and have a bs degree in electronis. I enjoy sports and going to movies.I am 6:1 and weight 240.
Nice move Gary. Any takers?
Hahaha Brenda – that was good.
I guess we are all wondering if Gary’s attempt actually worked. It was certainly a great try! Take care ladies.
What i am most wondering right now is if I am being rejected so many times more because of my photo or my profile.
Sharon,
I think it depends on many different things. I don’t get many matches so usually “communicate” based strictly on the photo and don’t even read the profile until a later stage.
Also, what are you considering rejection? I attempt to communicate with many people but never get a response……not even a “closed” message. I have come to learn that profiles are not removed just because the person has unsubscribed. You may be getting tons of matches with people that are not even checking it anymore.
I am a 40 y/o single but i look like i am 25 y/o younger skin I am a RN (Nurse) no kids I am still waiting for my soul mate i know love does not know color so i could be marride with some one that i am meant to be with. The problem how in the world could I find someone who does not drink alcohol who does not smoke or who does not do drug becuase i never smoke i do not drink alcohol or I never done drugs. I like one to go out of my way and help other person on the steet my goal is to go out in Africa or other poor countries and use my Nursing skills and help I would like to have a husband who would share the same life style. So far I do not see that person.Going on line for me feels like desperation all my life I waited on God to bring me my soul mate but now I lost hope and faith in God because waiting 40 years is a long time. As far as I am concern now a days men want just yonger girls to have fun parting I do not know if there are any men with good moral.
I have to remind myself that I am looking for “my friend”, the one that I want to spend most of my time with because he loves to be with me, he feels good, comfortable, challenged, accepted, etc. I say reminded because I am attracted to sweet talkers, flirts, smart alecks, sweet guys and I am very tolerant and patient. Yet, I don’t care to see myself struggle, question, doubt, anger, sadden over someone’s lack of interest, respect, consideration, protection, or selfishness. So, I need to assume responsability for myself and reminds myself that true love goes way beyond the first date.
I wish Eharmony would take off anyone who is not actually using the site. I communicate with most of my “Matches” and almost never get any response. I agree most of these guys are not actually on Eharmony or they would at least close the “match”. This needs to improve: it is very discouraging to think you are being rejected or ignored by almost every match. Friends of mine (all attreactive) have had the same problem. This could be a good site if this problem was resolved!
Dear ladies,
Don’t lose hope! I am 45 Plus …. (smile) I wear my age well. I consder myself attractive, slender with a muscular build. I am often told that I do not look my age by various age groups. Truth be told, if I was a cougar looking for a young man, I can have one.
However, I am a professional woman similar to Ayantu in that I don’t do substances, drugs or tobacco and I am single with no children. I do attend church. I have faith that I am getting closer to my finding my soul mate.
I am planning a trip to Israel. I like to travel and help people who are less fortunate than myself. I am a giver from the heart. I need someone that can appreciate that trait in a good woman.
Best of wishes Ladies for the man of your dreams or visions!
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