Is he (or she) too good for you?

A beautiful girlfriend of mine was on eHarmony and was matched with an incredibly handsome and successful guy.  Although, they were matched on compatibility and I thought they would make an especially good-looking pair, she felt otherwise.  She closed him out immediately without a chance for communication.  Her thought: he was just out of her league. 

According to the matching hypothesis (Walster, Aronson, Abrahams, & Rottman, 1966), each of us walks around with an idea of how socially desirable we are (i.e., how good of a catch we are), and we tend to look for partners who are similar to us in social desirability.  The idea is that if we pursue someone similar to us, we have a better chance at a good outcome. 

In a series of recent studies, researchers investigated the matching hypothesis with actual online daters (Taylor, Fiore, Mendelsohn, & Cheshire, 2011).  Although results were not entirely consistent, there were a few interesting findings to note.  First, researchers found when initiating contact, men and women both contacted people who were more physically attractive.

Since there is more to social desirability than physical attraction however, researchers conducted another study. Using self-assessments of social desirability (measured by an assortment of questions including self-esteem, physical attractiveness, and personality), women high in social desirability were found to communicate more with people who were also more socially desirable (measured by more initial contacts on the site); women lower in social desirability were more likely to communicate with those who were less socially desirable.  This pattern did not apply for men.

A slightly different story emerged when using objective measures of social desirability for both initiators of communication and those receiving communication.  Real online daters were found to match in popularity.  “Popular” daters (those contacted by more people) were more likely to communicate with people who were similar to them in popularity; however, people who contacted similar others were just as likely to be successful (receive responses) as those who contacted dissimilar others.

Does the matching hypothesis play out in online dating situations?  There is some evidence that people choose others who are similar to themselves in social desirability, but not entirely consistently.  And there are differences in social desirability based on your own perspective and others’.  How you see yourself may not be how others perceive you.  So believing in yourself may provide more opportunity to be with someone you might not have otherwise considered.  If given the chance to advise my friend, I might tell her to forgo the idea that he is out of her league and just go for it.

Further Reading:

Taylor, L.S., Fiore, A.T., Mendelsohn, G.A., & Cheshire, C. (2011). “Out of my league”: A real-world test of the matching hypothesis Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin, 37 (7), 942-54 PMID: 21632966

Walster, E., Aronson, V., Abrahams, D., & Rottman, L. (1966). Importance of physical attractiveness in dating behavior Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 4 (5), 508-16 PMID: 6008393