Relationship taboos: Are some topics too personal to discuss?

Honesty and openness are important in any relationship – to get to know one another, to build trust in the relationship, etc.  But are there times when too much honesty can hurt the relationship?

In a recent study, 104 young men and women (mean age = 20) in romantic relationships (average about 1 year) were asked to “list all the topics they avoided in their romantic relationship” (Anderson, Kunkel, & Dennis, 2010).  Commonly avoided topics included:

1)      Past relationships – including details about past sexual experiences (38%)

2)      Controversial topics – like religion and politics (16%)

3)      Relationship norms – like comfort with public displays of affection (13%)

4)      Activities outside the relationship – any activity not involving the partner (13%)

5)      The state of the relationship – where is this relationship headed? (11%)

Given that past relationships and past sexual experiences were at the top of the list, participants were also asked what reasons they had for avoiding that topic.  Reasons were similar for men and women, and included explanations like:

1)      To keep the past in the past, especially when it did not pertain to the current relationship

2)      To avoid comparisons and insecurity about measuring up to past partners

3)      Fear of harming the relationship – making it seem less special, ruining the closeness and trust

4)      Causing embarrassment, hurt, or jealousy

Of course, the topics avoided and reasons for avoiding may be a reflection of the age of the participants in this study, but I think anyone can relate to the desire to side-step awkward or embarrassing conversations.  And although it might be tempting to avoid difficult topics especially if you think it will hurt your partner or the relationship, continual avoidance may actually be detrimental to the long-term health of the relationship.  Here are a few reasons why you might consider having those difficult conversations after all:

1)      An enhanced sex life – talking about past experiences may help you learn about what your partner likes or dislikes in a relationship or in the bedroom

2)      Coming to a better understanding – coming to agreement about what you both need or expect in a relationship; how will you know unless you ask?

3)      Building trust – being able to strike the delicate balance between giving enough information to build trust but not too much detail to provoke insecurity

4)      Creating intimacy – being able to accept all aspects of one’s partner

5)      Physical health – to protect each other from physical harm (e.g., STDs, etc.)

In fact, in response to the question about why people avoid conversations, about 13% of participants in this study mentioned they were entirely comfortable talking about past sexual history and roughly a quarter felt it was especially good for the relationship to discuss.

When thinking about whether to broach a difficult topic, think about how the long-term benefits may outweigh the potential short-term cost.  Are there topics you tend to avoid in relationships?  What’s the best way you’ve found to broach the subject?

Further Reading:

Anderson, M., Kunkel, A., & Dennis, M.R. (2011). “Let’s (not) talk about that”: Bridging the past sexual experiences taboo to build healthy romantic relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 48 (4), 381-91 PMID: 20432132