Soulmates – how believing in them (or not) affects your relationships

Your beliefs about relationships – specifically your belief in soulmates – can impact your relationships. 

So, do you believe in soulmates?  If you are like most Americans, the answer is yes.  In a Marist Poll conducted in 2011 with a nationally representative sample, researchers found that 73% of Americans said “yes” when asked, “Do you believe in the idea of soulmates, that is two people who are destined to be together?”  This is up from 66% in 2010.  Southerners were the most idealistic, with 78% believing in soulmates, and Westerners were least idealistic with only 63% believing in soulmates.  Younger people, people with less education and income, and non-whites were also more likely to believe in soulmates. 

How does believing in soulmates affect your approach to relationships?

People have ideas about what relationships are and how they should be (also called implicit theories).   For example, some people believe in the idea of soulmates – that there is only one person (or a few people) that you are destined to be with, and that a good relationship will only come from a relationship with “the one” (or ones) (Franiuk, Cohen & Pomerantz, 2002).  Others, however, believe that good relationships are about commitment, rather than destiny.  You can be happy in a relationship as long as you put in the effort to grow and maintain it.

If you are a person who believes that good relationships are a matter of finding the right person, you might invest more time in that front.  One study found that people with these kinds of destiny beliefs placed a lot of weight on satisfaction at the beginning of the relationship and were quick to end a relationship that was not working out (Knee, 1998). In other words, if there is only one person I am meant to be with, then conflict at the beginning of the relationship may be a sign that the person I am with is not the one.

If you are a person with a more work-it-out approach, you may put less weight on the beginning of a relationship and want to work through problems as they arise in a relationship, since good problem-solving is what makes successful relationships.   Incidentally, neither belief was related to relationship satisfaction alone – just believing in soulmates or commitment alone does not make for a happier relationship (Franiuk et al., 2002).

What about for married or committed couples?

Based on their study of men and women in Louisiana, researchers compared married individuals who believed in a more passionate soulmate model of marriage with those who held more traditional/conservative ideas of marriage.  They found that people who believe in soulmates had more passionate but also more conflictual relationships (Wilcox & Dew, 2010).  This may be because people who believe in soulmates and are with their soulmates are most happy while people who believe in soulmates but are not with their soulmates are least satisfied in their relationships (Franiuk et al., 2002). 

But let me remind you that believing in soulmates and believing that relationships are a commitment are not mutually exclusive.  People can, and do believe in both (Franiuk et al., 2002).  In fact, Wilcox and Dew (2010) suggested that the happiest relationships were those that had the emotional passion of soulmate couples but also the commitment and social support of more traditional couples.  In other words, even the most destined relationships require effort to make it work.

Further Reading:

Franiuk, R., Cohen, D., & Pomerantz, E. (2002). Implicit theories of relationships: Implications for relationship satisfaction and longevity Personal Relationships, 9 (4), 345-367 DOI: 10.1111/1475-6811.09401

Knee, C. (1998). Implicit theories of relationships: Assessment and prediction of romantic relationship initiation, coping, and longevity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74 (2), 360-370 DOI: 10.1037/0022-3514.74.2.360

Wilcox, W., & Dew, J. (2010). Is love a flimsy foundation? Soulmate versus institutional models of marriage Social Science Research, 39 (5), 687-699 DOI: 10.1016/j.ssresearch.2010.05.006