The Key to Good Sex is in Your Head

This blog goes out to the women who are tired of thinking that they are the problem when it comes to enjoying sex with their partner. And no, the blame isn’t suddenly supposed to be put upon your partner. According to a recent study from the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction (Heiman et al., 2011), when it’s all said and done, the biggest component of sexual satisfaction in women is age. In fact, sexual functioning begins to predict relationship satisfaction for women after roughly 25 years in a long term relationship. Furthermore, this isn’t just an “American Woman” thing; this finding is consistent across multiple cultures.

When I read this, I nearly spit my coffee out onto my keyboard. Women have to wait 25 years in order to finally be optimally satisfied with their sex life?! Well, no. Heiman and her fellow researchers with the Kinsey Institute are not saying that as soon as 25 years in a relationship hits, women can start enjoying themselves. Rather, they explain that over time, women are becoming more sexually satisfied with their partner, while their partner is becoming happier with the relationship overall. Over time, other factors begin to become more of a priority for both men and women in order to maintain relationship satisfaction. The following findings should also be pointed out (and bolded and underlined and italicized):

• More sexual partners in a man’s history predicted less sexual satisfaction

• For men, relationship happiness was more likely if he reported being in good health and if it was important to him that his partner experienced orgasm

• Frequent kissing or cuddling predicted happiness in the relationship for men, but not for women

• Compared to men, women showed lower sexual satisfaction early in the relationship and greater sexual satisfaction later

The authors of this study suggested that perhaps menopause is the reason for this increase in importance of sexual satisfaction. At this age, women are free of reproductive worries. A man’s testosterone levels are much lower, and they begin to enjoy intimate cuddling more and prioritize the needs of his partner more. This makes sense; however, there is another possible reason for these findings that were not discussed: it’s been 25 years! Don’t you think women and men at that age might know a thing or two? Also, and here’s where media comes in, women in a menopausal age bracket aren’t constantly being told to perform better.

Along with the pressure of bearing and raising children, women are also freed from the pressure of women’s magazines, romantic comedies, and certain self-help books – all describing ways in which you can be better; you have a problem and they are there to fix it. We’re told through our developing years how mind-blowing and amazing sex will be. We see movies, TV shows, articles, etc. supporting this perception. People allude to how awesome it is. Your friends talk non-stop about their sexual prowess. And then you find out it isn’t exactly what you pictured. It hurts sometimes, your partner is sweating on you, and you hear weird noises. He is stinky. You are stinky. He says weird things in a different voice that you have never heard. And you think, “Wait, am I supposed to say something back?” It’s silly, but it’s all a part of the learning process in determining what we like, what we want and what we consider weird. Sometimes, it’s tempting to look to a magazine for advice on how to ramp up the sex knowledge bank. But in doing this, we hand over the control of our expectations to another person. Let me ask you this:

If the women who are in their 50’s could tell their 20-something selves what they know now, do you think they would say, “oh yeah, I wouldn’t change a thing…you’ll like that forever”? Probably not.

And I certainly don’t see many 50+ year olds paging through these “tips” and taking it seriously. They’re happy because along the way they have realized that it’s up to them to decide what they like, where they like it and when they want it and not simply because they reached their silver anniversary. They are empowered to define what “mind-blowing” means to them. And yes, there are young women who don’t have any difficulty with this. Likewise, there are women who actually do suffer from some form of Female Sexual Dysfunction (a topic which will be discussed in a later blog).

This blog is a call to action for all women. The odds of something actually being permanently “wrong” with you are LOW. Personally, I don’t believe age has as much to do with sexual satisfaction as others may think – especially considering that not everyone makes it to 25 years with their partner, much less 25 months, or days. But in general, by learning from your experience and by being honest with yourself and your partner, you can unlock the power to choose your own path to Satisfactionland. And men, start valuing your partner’s orgasm more (except for the ones who already do – you rock).

Further Reading:

Heiman, J.R.,  Long, J.S., Smith, S.N, Fisher, W.A., Sand, M.S, Rosen, R.C. Sexual satisfaction and relationship happiness in midlife and older couples in five countries. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 2011; 40 (4): 741 DOI: 10.1007/s10508-010-9703-3