Variety may not be the spice of life

Speed dating was built on the principle that you can learn A LOT about someone in the first few minutes of meeting them.   This is true.  Even within 30 seconds we are pretty good at picking out the broad stuff, like if someone is extraverted or curious.  This tells us if someone is a possible dating prospect.  

In theory adding choice or variety to that process should lead to a better selection.  When you meet a bunch of people you can raise your standards on what is important and you end up with a better choice. 

It doesn’t happen this way.

Allison Lenton and Marco Francesconi just published a paper looking at how choice impacts our ability to select a prospective partner.   They looked at 84 speed dating events where single men and women meet a bunch of prospective partners during a series of short mini-dates.  At the end of the evening each person gets to pick out who they would like to exchange numbers with, and if both agree then they get each other’s contact information. Lenton and Francesconi found that having a lot of choice, and a lot of variety within your choices, leads you to making a worse decision, or even no decision at all.  People who had greater variety in their choices (i.e., range in age, height, occupation, etc.) selected fewer people to meet and were less likely to want to meet the best prospect . The authors conclude that too much choice makes us confused and we end up doing nothing.

You might be thinking to yourself “but choice is good, and the more choice I get the better my chances are that I will find the perfect partner.  Those people only realized that no one that met fulfilled all of what they wanted in a partner”   That thinking is the problem.  Professor Barry Schwartz at Swarthmore College calls it “The Paradox of Choice.”   When we have lots and lots of choice we think we can get exactly what we want as long as we search long enough.  Unfortunately, that rarely if ever happens because there are always tradeoffs.  When there is a lot of variety within the choices it becomes even more difficult to choose because you don’t know how to prioritize the criteria.  For instance, you could get stuck with someone who is the right age and occupation but the wrong religion, or who is the right religion and has the right education but smokes. 

Moreover, Schwartz shows that lots of choice gives us the illusion that we can get exactly what we want.  We figure it has to be out there somewhere. Then, when we are forced to make a pick that isn’t 100%, we regret it because we think “If only I could have searched more, then I would have found the right one.”  Applying that to the search for love, in the end too much choice can leave us unable to figure out who the best prospect is, less likely to pick someone to meet, and less happy with the choice we make.  Although people believe limitless, unfettered choice it leads to the best decisions and the most happiness it just isn’t true. 

So what can you do about this dilemma?  The best thing is to try and manage the amount of choice you have.  You are better off trying to select between a few options at a time, rather than dozens, or hundreds.  When it comes to the dating game, immediately cut out choices based on absolute deal breakers.  So, for example, if you know you would never consider dating someone who smokes, immediately cut all those offenders.  However- be realistic about your expectations.  Not every item on the wish list is a dealbreaker.  Don’t pass up on a prospect that meets 93% of what you want in hopes of finding someone who meets that magical 100%; that person doesn’t exist.  Choose well.

Further Reading:

Lenton, A. P., & Francesconi, M. (2011). Too much of a good thing? Variety is confusing in mate choice. Biology Letters. DOI: 10.1098/rsbl.2011.0098

(2011, March 1). Mating game: Too much choice will leave you lonely. Yahoo News.

Schwartz, B. (2004). The Paradox of Choice.  Why less is more.  HarperCollins, New York.