When good dates don’t call: Why does it hurt?

You know the drill: you meet cute somewhere.  You go out.  You have a wonderful time: laughing, sharing common interests and making ironic statements about popular culture.  You might have even shared a kiss (or more) as a nightcap.  In a phrase: you clicked!  Or at least you thought as much, but here you are six days later and no call, text or email.  Your date seems to have moved on- but why haven’t you?  Why do some dates haunt us longer than the date itself?

One theory is simply one of narrative incompleteness.    When you open yourself to the start of a potential relationship by going out on a date (or a few) – and it goes well- you often visualize the entire relationship (or at least all the good parts) based on this experience.   Some may have even tried to figure out which features are going to get inherited in the future children.  In essence, you get carried away.  The reality of early dating often comes back to stomp on the daydream.  It ruins our story!  And research has found that continued distress comes out of an individual’s inability to construct a narrative ending to the experience.  Since you don’t know why he hasn’t called, you think you can’t finish the story.  So you review, recount, and generally ruminate about the why a good date didn’t grow into something more.

When a date doesn’t call, it’s important to finish the story on their behalf.  Providing a complete account of the story is going to give you a deeper awareness and understanding of why it didn’t work out.  You can reflect on the situation without the sting of the emotions, eliciting a clearer understanding of what happened.  While it might be harsh to conclude that your date didn’t feel the same potential about a possible relationship, placing a finale on the story allows you to establish a sense of control, closure, and increase in self esteem.  Telling the story elevates you from hapless character in a comedy of errors to author of your own dating destiny.

In order to gain the full benefits of writing your narrative, your story must:

1. Sequence Events correctly and clearly
2. Provide examples in the timeline of the date/ relationship
3. Connect the above two together in a coherent, complete story (it’s not enough to just free associate.  Or cry to our Mom for a half-hour.)

Trying to get over a larger break-up?  Writing about the positive aspects of a relationship break-up has proven to be a simple, effective way to cope.  By combining these types of writing interventions you may create the optimal mechanism to increase positive emotions, self esteem, and empowerment; getting you ready for the next date.

Further Reading:

Koenig Kellas, J., & Manusov, V. (2003). What’s in a Story? The Relationship Between Narrative Completeness and Adjustment to Relationship Dissolution Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 20 (3), 285-307 DOI: 10.1177/0265407503020003002