Your first fight

Not soon after the bouquet is tossed and the honeymoon is over, the real marriage starts to unfold.  In the beginning, the two of you are on “wedding high;” similar to the “summer camp high” only for couples.  Everything about that day is built to be so positive as to defy realistic expectations of the future. You just spent months planning (and paying for) a great party and your friends and family just spent time and money fueling you with positive energy.  You two were the stars of the show with expensive outfits, fancy hair and makeup, and professional photography to boot.  At the end of your reception, people told you that it was the best wedding they had ever been to in their entire lives- and you actually believed it.  But just as the summer camp high fades with the trek back down the mountain, so too will the wedding high. 

Enter the first fight of your marriage.  The topic could be about anything, and while it might catch you off guard, the fierceness by which it is argued shocks you.   When this happens, you might question the love between you two, and whether it was a mistake to get married.  But don’t panic, at least not yet: conflict in early marriage doesn’t necessarily mean doom for the relationship.  Research shows that conflict styles in early marriage aren’t as influential on marital satisfaction as they will be later on down the road.   In fact, it can mean an opportunity to make your marriage stronger and more resilient to future challenges.  Couples who display good problem-solving skills (fewer commands/ultimatums, blaming, rejecting partner opinions, etc) in the face of moderate stress early on in the relationship are often more resilient for bigger challenges in the future (such as parenthood).   

Early marriage is a time of intimacy building, since major stressors such as children have not yet come into the picture.  But it’s also fraught with adjustments, and sometimes the “way in which it is done” has two different versions.  These adjustments are usually part of the learning process of living with someone’s opinions, bathroom habits, and peccadilloes.  They require compromise and acceptance by both partners in order to keep the relationship afloat.   Conflict can alert couples to the need for change in a certain area, and it’s easier to make these changes early in the marriage than years later after routines have become set in stone.

There are several key components to consider about conflict, especially during early marriage:

Is this a major or a minor dispute?  Several studies have shown that consistent conflict on minor topics might impede motivation to change, create resentment, and lower marital satisfaction.  While you may be disgruntled that your partner did not deposit an important check into your mutual account, if this was an isolated incident it might do more damage to get angry than to either let it go or bring up the topic gently.  Consider the possibility that the misstep could be attributed to circumstantial external factors affecting your partner (ran late from work, caught in traffic, fielded a call from you to go the grocery store), rather than a sudden and deliberate insensitive turn against you.  However, if the dispute is major or consistent, take heed.  When the problem is severe it’s better to constructively approach the problem and work to change it sooner rather than later.  Consistent missteps may reflect underlying issues within the foundation of the relationship. 

Did you hurt their feelings yesterday?  It’s not the best behavior, but it’s real. If you slighted your partner yesterday, they may respond by behaving just as bad, if not worse, tomorrow.  Does this mean it’s your fault?  Not exactly, but you must examine your involvement in creating the situation you now find yourself in with your partner.  There is the intent of your actions, and then there is the impact of those actions on your partner.  Often miscommunication is borne from the mismatch of intent versus impact.   An example would be a toddler in a gift shop who bumps a knickknack that falls like dominoes down half the shelf.  While he didn’t intend for that to happen, the impact of the mess still has to be addressed.  Your words can have the same impact on your partners’ feelings.

What is your conflict resolution style? Some partners flee the scene the moment they sense conflict, while others holding their ground and making demand after demand.  When these two opposing styles emerge in a couple during an argument, there is less chance that the conflict will go well, and satisfaction declines.  If you and your partner are fighting over minor issues, and it’s you that desires the change of behavior, try gently approaching your partner, without commands or blames.  If your partner wants change, don’t withdraw into passive aggressive inaction.  Sit down and talk about the conflict as constructively as possible, without defensiveness, calling each other names, listing ultimatums, claiming the impossibility of change (sorry, it’s not impossible for you to learn to pick up your gym clothes), or total denial.  Like I mentioned earlier, couples who have good problem-solving skills can buffer against later martial dysfunction.  Consider relationship skills training if can’t get through an argument emotionally unscathed.  It’s normal to complain, it’s destructive to criticize.  If you notice that you or your partner displays criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling (you may have heard of John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse) consider outside help, such as a therapist.

One bad fight usually does not break a marriage.   Each argument provides the couple with an opportunity to learn, change, and hopefully avoid the same pitfalls in the future.  It takes a long time to find the right groove in your marriage.  Try and remember that you are ultimately on the same team.

Further Reading:

Eldridge, K., Sevier, M., Jones, J. T., Atkins, D. C., & Christensen, A. (2007). Demand-Withdraw Communication in Severely Distressed, Moderately Distressed, and Non-Distressed Couples: Rigidity and Polarity During Relationship and Personal Problem Discussions. Journal of Family Psychology, 21, 218-226.

Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (1997) Neuroticism, marital interaction, and the trajectory of marital satisfaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72, 1075-1092.

Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2000). Attributions in marriage: State or trait? A growth curve analysis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78, 295-309.

McNulty, J. K., & Russell, V. M. (2010). When “negative” behaviors are positive: A contextual analysis of the long-term effects of problem-solving behaviors on changes in relationship satisfaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98, 587-604.

Murray, S. L., Bellavia, G., Rose, P., & Griffin, D. (2003). Once hurt, twice hurtful: How perceived regard regulates daily marital interaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84, 126-147.

Schneewind, K. A. and Gerhard, A.-K. (2002), Relationship Personality, Conflict Resolution, and Marital Satisfaction in the First 5 Years of Marriage. Family Relations, 51: 63–71. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3729.2002.00063.x

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