The one who wants to ‘hang out’

At eHarmony, we make it our business to ensure that finding love is never a battle for you, but when new film This Means War turns the fight for someone’s heart into a hilarious action-comedy, we couldn’t pass up the chance to give you free advance tickets to see it!

Starring Academy Award® winner Reese Witherspoon, (Water for Elephants, Walk The Line), Tom Hardy (Inception, Warrior) and Chris Pine (Unstoppable, Star Trek), and directed by McG (Charlie’s Angles, Terminator Salvation), THIS MEANS WAR introduces Tuck and FDR – two of the world’s top secret agents, and best friends who never let anything come between them — until they inadvertently fall for the same woman. Now, it’s all-out war, as the two spies battle each other with high-tech surveillance, advanced tactics, and an arsenal capable of bringing down a small country!

With our great giveaway, you’ll have the chance to claim a pair of tickets to see the film ahead of its release at preview screenings around Great Britain on Thursday 23rd February.

It’s first come, first served so avoid a fight for your seats and get clicking!

To claim tickets to see This Means War at a cinema near you, just go to Show Film First, enter code 527718 and follow the instructions.

THIS MEANS WAR is released in UK cinemas on 2nd March 2012.

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Screenings will take place on Thursday 23rd February, 6 for 6.30pm at the following Odeon cinemas:

Birmingham
Brighton
Cardiff
Edinburgh Wester Hailes
Glasgow Braehead
Greenwich
Kingston
Leeds/Bradford
Liverpool One
Manchester Printworks
Newcastle Metrocentre
Taunton
Wimbledon

© 2012 Twentieth Century Fox. All Rights Reserved.

There are many pluses to getting to know someone online – you can remain practically anonymous at the beginning and reveal more about yourself as you go on which is great if you are a bit nervous or shy. However, there are some things you should bear in mind when you are sitting in front of your computer.

Conversation isn’t words alone
Experts say that around 80% of our communication when we are face to face is non-verbal. We are constantly responding to the non-verbal cues people give us to regulate what we are saying and how we are saying it. When we are chatting online we haven’t got the normal visual cues – frowns, smiles etc to tell us if what we are saying is hurting or upsetting the other person; making them happy; or whether they are interested or have grown bored or agitated by the conversation. This means we could, without realising it, go past a normal point where the conversation would dry up if we were face to face. This is fine most of the time but if you are talking about something that is emotional or important it can create a mismatch in what you need and what the other person is giving because they aren’t getting the non-verbal cues.

You are talking to real people with real feelings
There is a danger with online communication that we forget the person we are talking to has a real life, feelings, worries and concerns. What we say, and how we respond to them, will have an impact, often beyond what we are aware of, because we don’t know what else is going on in their lives. If you have never met the person it is even more likely that you will find it difficult to respond with the same sensitivity that you would in your normal human interactions.

Don’t play games, be rude, dismissive or otherwise insensitive. If someone is trying to make contact and you are not interested then say so, politely. It can be tempting to be more abrupt, flirtatious, aggressive or outlandish than you would normally be because you think that you will never meet the person so there will be no consequences. There will be consequences, you just might not know about them. You could damage someone’s self esteem, make them lose trust in online dating or put them off trying to change their situation altogether. The best rule of thumb is to treat others as you would like to be treated. Before you send any message you are unsure of ask yourself how you would feel if you received it.

When you say something it doesn’t just disappear
We speak on average between 7000 and 20000 words a day and about 95% of them are forgotten almost as soon as they have left our mouths; if they are recalled it is often inaccurately unless we record our conversations. When we talk to people online we get the advantage of being able to read through what we have written and edit it before we send it so there is less margin for error. However, once we press the send button we create a permanent record which we can access again and so can the person we sent it to. Also whatever forum we are chatting on whether that is a dating website, email, MSN or Facebook will keep a permanent and traceable record. For this reason it is a good idea to be more conscientious about what we say, promise, suggest and also how we say it.

Read between the lines
Rows and misunderstandings often happen between people when they have resorted to communicating via text, email or instant messaging. This is because the written word can so easily be misinterpreted. We fill in the blanks with our imagination and look for clues like kisses, CAPITAL LETTERS and smiley faces to tell us what mood the author was in when they sent the message. To avoid misunderstandings many couples now have a pact that they will only use electronic forms of communication to make arrangements and send light-hearted messages but anything important will be discussed face to face.

Strong imagination
When chatting to someone new online people build a mental image that’s often very different from reality. When we are getting to know someone online it is a bit like reading a book. We build up a mental image of the person just as we do with characters in books. Often if we read a book and then a film is released it is a disappointment because the characters in the film don’t match our imaginings. The same feeling of disappointment can occur when we meet someone we have been chatting to online for the first time. Don’t lose heart, go on a few dates and your mental image will quickly adjust to reality.

Self promotion is one of the most difficult forms of writing there is and we Brits are notoriously bad at it. CVs, personal profiles, dating profiles, all require a magic formula to get them to stand out from the crowd. Here are our 6 top tips:

1. Answer the questions as fully as possible
If your profile is no more than a list of likes and dislikes it isn’t going to stand out and potential matches will come away knowing little about you as a person. Use every question to give a full answer that tells the reader something about your personality. When asked ‘What are you passionate about’ don’t just put down the things that you do regularly or people you see regularly – what are you really passionate about? What can’t you imagine your life without? It may be music, art, personal growth; it could be your work, saving the whale or promoting peace. Say what it is, why you are passionate about it – a bit of history about how you first got involved is great – and how that manifests in your life. Write about things that are unique to you and in a way that will be memorable to the person reading it.

2. Its all about you
Even though our life is made up of the people around us your profile is about you, not them. Everything that you mention in your profile should be there to inform the reader about you. If you have a really supportive brother by all means mention him in the influential people section and say what he has done to help you but then say how you have made the best use of his help rather than loads of information about him. When you talk about films, books, hobbies, relate it back to you so that it shows something about your personality.

3. Inject a little humour
Don’t make your profile too serious. We are more likely to remember a profile that makes us laugh than one which gives lots of information. Tell anecdotes, what are the funny things that have happened to you recently? Think of it a bit like a CV – your CV needs to be short, succinct, interesting and show you have the necessary skills for the job – a good CV’s only purpose is to get you an interview, that is where you will be able to shine – a good profile is simply to get you dates and can never possibly capture the wonder of you – the reader will have to make contact if they want to see that. Make them smile and they are much more likely to come back for more.

4. Be honest
If a shop had a lovely display of iced buns in the window and you went in and discovered that they only sold nails you would naturally be disappointed. If you write a stunning profile that bears no relation to who you really are then you may find yourself with a few disgruntled first dates. Be honest about who you are by imagining what your best friend would say about you – ask them if you aren’t sure. Keep a positive, upbeat tone when you are writing – best achieved by making sure you are in a good mood when you write it. Also try to make sure that you have plenty of time to write, edit, reread and get some feedback on what you have written before it goes live.

5. Check it out with someone else
Remember that it will be someone of the opposite sex (or perhaps not) that you are trying to attract so ask a friend of that sex to check out your profile. The questions to ask them are; Is it interesting? Does it truly reflect me? Do you want to know more about this person? Do you think men/women would find this person attractive?

6. Look at what other people have written
Have a look at profiles that are by people the same age and gender as you and see what they have written. Another good place to look is the profile feedback section on the eHarmony website where people have posted their profiles for others to read. You can also read the feedback comments people have left and put your own profile up for feedback if you think it would be helpful. Remember you can edit and update your profile as many times as you like – it’s a work in progress.

It’s all too easy to let years slip by without anything memorable happening and when you start dating you can feel like nothing exciting or interesting has ever happened in your life. Make 2012 the year when you set yourself some personal challenges so you have plenty to talk to your dates about. Here are some suggestions to get you started.

Do something for charity
There are hundreds of different ways that you can get involved in raising money for a charity. Choose a charity that has some personal meaning for you or a cause you particularly want to support. You don’t have to commit loads of time or money to be able to help. You could give as little as an hour helping in a soup kitchen or as much as a regular weekly commitment helping as a volunteer; you could run a marathon or grow a moustache – collecting sponsorship for a one off event is now much easier now that most charities use the online facility JustGiving which keeps track of donations and collects them on your behalf.

Set yourself a physical challenge
We all have something physical we would like to learn whether it’s dancing the tango or learning to skate. No matter what your age or health it is possible to find a physical challenge that is realistic and attainable and it will make you feel great about yourself if you achieve it. Taking a walk every day, learning to juggle or pilates, meditation or kickboxing – whatever it is make sure it is out of your normal comfort zone and requires you to learn to do something new with your body. We all spend so much time in our heads that we can forget that our body needs stimulation too. You can give yourself added motivation by making it a challenge you do for a good cause and in that way you will also have a set target in mind like running a marathon or taking part in a sponsored bike ride.

Stimulate your mind
Do something that requires effort thought and concentration. This could be learning to play chess, reading War and Peace or learning a new language. The brain is a muscle and it will get stronger and more agile the more it is challenged. There are loads of brain training games and activities available on games consoles and smart phones as it is recognised that we need to exercise our mind as much as our body. Mastering a new skill like learning a language, will not only make you feel good about yourself but you will feel the benefit of it in other areas of your life as your thinking becomes quicker and clearer.

Take an emotional risk
Do you know how to ask for what you want? If not maybe your challenge in 2012 could be learning to be more emotionally honest in all your relationships. A lot of the time we do things that we feel we should rather than because we want to. We may be so busy trying to make other people happy that we forget about our own happiness and emotional needs.

Many people find it much easier to be honest about their positive feelings – ‘I love you’; ‘thank you for being there for me’, etc. but much harder to express the more negative feelings like ‘That hurt me’; ‘Please don’t do that’, or ‘I feel jealous when that happens’. People who struggle in this way often swallow down their feelings of hurt and anger and then end up either flying into a rage when it all gets too much or become depressed – the consequence of anger turned inwards. Learning an emotional vocabulary, and being brave enough to express your feelings, is empowering for you as well as inspiring for those around you as, in effect, it gives them permission to be more emotionally honest too.

For many people the computer is now the main way they organise their social lives, book holidays, stay in touch with family and friends and conduct their work lives so it’s understandable that it has also become the main way we find romantic partners too. Some people are still dubious about it so we have put together a handy little guide for you.

Why online dating?

Online dating really is no more than an introduction to people, but with the use of the internet you can be introduced to hundreds of people instead of the handful of single people you might normally meet in your social circle. Once you have struck up a conversation with someone dating usually proceeds much as it used to – in person. Here are just some of the pluses:

1. You will probably know much more about someone you meet online than you would if you agreed to a date with someone you met in a bar.
2. You can take your time browsing different profiles and really thinking about what you want from a partner.
3. The pond you are fishing in is much larger than your normal social circle giving you access to possible matches from all over the world.
4. You are not forced to talk to someone you are not interested in and can block any unwanted communication.
5. On websites like eHarmony you get the opportunity to fill in a personality profile which helps you get to know yourself more, most of us never take the time to really sit down and ask, ‘Who am I and what is important to me?’
6. You are free to flirt outrageously; a lot of people say that they feel bolder and more flirtatious when chatting online because they can edit what they are saying.
7. The website will use the latest technology to match you with people based on your own personal specifications which can be changed at any time.
8. If you are shy or nervous you may find building the initial stages of a relationship online much more comfortable as there is a level of anonymity.
9. It doesn’t cost a fortune; a monthly subscription is often less than a night out. It is better to go with a well known website that lets you sign up and view your matches for free and only charges a subscription when you want to communicate with other members
10. You are in control

Is online dating safe?

This is the most common concern for people when they are considering online dating, especially older people. The media reports scare stories about fraudsters and people being conned out of their life savings. The great news is that online dating with a reputable website like eHarmony is really safe, here’s why:

1. Your personal information is confidential. None of the information that you provide to the website when you sign up can be seen by anybody else. This includes your credit card details, address, phone number, email address and even your real name as you can have a screen name.
2. You decide who you talk to and who talks to you. If you are nervous about getting the initial contact started you can use the guided communication feature which take you through step by step. If you start chatting with someone and change your mind most websites will have a facility to block unwanted communication. Should anyone every make you uncomfortable at any time, you can block them from contacting you forever and report them to the site.
3. You get to see a photo before you meet. No matter how evolved we like to think we are, 95% of us based our opinions of people on first impressions and seeing a photo of someone before you meet them is reassuring for most of us.
4. You are not on your own. A reputable website will have a support team and advice pages which will help you through every step of the process from how to write your profile to how to stay safe on a first date.
5. Millions of people can’t be wrong. Online dating is an industry that has mushroomed in the last five years. Every day millions of people are logging on and finding love. If online dating didn’t work, they wouldn’t do this. But they do. And every day, new members sign up. The cycle of love continues. Have you logged on yet?

We think bucket lists are a bit morbid; the idea of making a list of things to do before you die doesn’t scream positivity. However, we do believe in the power of a great life list. It might seem a little simplistic, but writing down the things you want to achieve in life can be an exciting and positive experience. After all, who doesn’t love making plans around exciting things to do in the future?

If we’ve not yet convinced you to grab a pen and paper, then hopefully we will by the end of this article. Forget your bucket list, here are 3 great reasons why you should write your life list today.

1.       It’ll help you focus on your life goals

Sitting in front of a blank piece of paper is both scary and exciting. You might be tempted to write down everything you’ve ever considered doing, and end up with a 1,027 item life list. We wouldn’t recommend this. Use your life list writing as a chance to really focus on the life goals you want to achieve; or even, if you prefer, your plan for the next ten years.

If you’re a keen traveller, you might have lots of exotic destinations to add to your list. But, there are nearly 200 countries in the world, so writing your life list is the ideal opportunity to whittle those down to your top 10 must-see destinations. It’s a great way of really deciding what you want to do – and where you want to spend your money. You might like the idea of visiting the Pyramids of Giza, but if you’ve always wanted to travel on the Trans-Siberian express then the latter goes on the list.

And the same applies to anything you want to do – whether it’s sport, career or cookery oriented.

2.       It’ll stretch your imagination

Your life list can, and should, stretch your imagination – don’t be afraid to think big. Perhaps you have a life goal to write a novel, but you’re unsure whether you can do it. If it’s important enough to you, put it on the list. Getting there might require smaller goals (for example, getting published in a magazine, or attending a creative writing class), but by placing it on your list you will instantly feel empowered.

By stretching your imagination we also mean that your life list will force you to think creatively about what you want to do and how you want to do it. If you want more of an idea of what we mean, check out the One Red Paperclip project – the story of one man who ‘traded  up’ a red paper clip until he got a house. Amazing.

3.       It’ll serve as a constant reminder

Your life list, if you write it, save it, and then print it out, will serve as a constant reminder. It will remind you of the things you have said you want to achieve, and what you really think you can achieve when you set your mind to it. If you don’t do anything to realise these life goals it will act as inspiration for moments when you’re feeling down. If you do start to tick things off your life list, think how great you’ll feel!

Looking for some inspiration for your life list? Enter our Experience 2012 competition and you could win something amazing to do this year!

At the end of 2011, looking ahead to 2012, we asked eHarmony members what they were planning on achieving in 2012. We had nearly 4,000 responses, and whether they were things from a life list, or spur of the moment ideas, we had a huge range of activities sent back. There’s no surprise that ‘Get a girlfriend/boyfriend’ came top of the list, but there were some much more unusual entries on the list, including ‘See the Northern Lights’ and ‘Volunteer at a soup kitchen’.

Whether you’re looking for inspiration for a life list, looking for things to do in 2012 or are just curious, check out our top 100 below!

1. Get a girlfriend/boyfriend
2. Visit a country I have never visited before
3. Develop in my career
4. Spend more time with my friends
5. Lose weight
6. See the Northern Lights
7. Get a new job
8. Donate unworn clothes to charity
9. Paint my home
10. Buy a home
11. Raise money for charity
12. Get promoted
13. Fly first class
14. Go to festivals
15. Do a 10k run
16. Change career entirely
17. Walk along Hadrian’s Wall
18. Join a gym and actually go
19. Try a new sport
20. Try Zumba
21. Eat at a Michelin star restaurant
22. Watch an Olympic event
23. Be proposed to by my partner
24. Run a half marathon
25. Get a different hair cut
26. Find a new author and book I love
27. Have a complete makeover
28. Learn more about wine
29. Listen to new bands
30. sporting achievement
31. Have a baby
32. Learn to salsa dance
33. Get a new pet
34. Volunteer in a soup kitchen
35. Learn to draw / or go life drawing
36. Write a book
37. Go on the London eye
38. Personal development
39. Visit an elderly person regularly
40. Go to a musical
41. Go to the Edinburgh festival
42. Learn to ballroom dance
43. Grow my own vegetables
44. Run a marathon
45. Learn to drive
46. Learn self defence
47. Widen my social circle
48. Be in the audience of a TV show
49. Learn to scuba dive
50. Learn to play the guitar
51. Learn to make cocktails
52. Learn a new skill
53. Learn to play poker
54. Set up a blog
55. Propose marriage to my partner
56. Learn snowboarding
57. Lower my golf handicap to single figures
58. Have a street party during the Queen’s jubilee
59. Stop smoking
60. Adopt an animal
61. Go to more folk nights
62. Learn how to sing
63. Design / make a dress
64. Go to the Ivy Restaurant in London
65. Skydive
66. Set up an online shop
67. Learn how to play the piano
68. Start Tai Chi
69. Swim with sharks / dolphins
70. Learn to bake pastry
71. Learn how to make pasta from scratch
72. Learn to surf
73. Go on a race track driving day
74. Learn to make pottery
75. Enter to take part in a TV show
76. Make a mobile phone app
77. Learn how to make puddings
78. Teach my willful/disobedient dog to sit and stay
79. Develop creative skills
80. Educational development
81. Fly a helicopter
82. Family related goals
83. Volunteer at a care home
84. Join a book club
85. Learn to make sushi
86. Learn to knit
87. Learn to do clever magic tricks
88. Write my first children’s story/book
89. Learn to swing dance
90. Build a spice rack and use them all
91. Conquer my fear of flying
92. Try bingo
93. Captain a barge with friends
94. Learn to do a back flip
95. Set up a YouTube channel
96. Solve Rubik’s Cube
97. Learn to ride side saddle on a horse
98. Learn to balance work/life
99. Swim the channel
100. Home improvement

Looking for some inspiration for your life list? Enter our Experience 2012 competition and you could win something amazing to do this year!

Most people have a life-list. They might not want to share it, but somewhere either in their mind or written down will be written the top 10 (or more!) things they want to achieve in their lives.

A life-list beats a bucket list for sheer positivity, and can seriously help you achieve your life goals. Plus, it will really help you focus on the things you want to get out of life. However, sometimes it can be tricky to get started. If you’re planning to write a life-list this New Year, you might need some ideas for your life list. That’s why we’ve compiled our guide to 5 things that should be on everyone’s list.

1.       Something that scares you

If life-lists were easy to complete they’d be boring. Yes, you could fill your list with items like ‘learn knitting’ and ‘visit Nottingham’, but as those are things you’re likely to do without any effort in your everyday life, there’s not much of a challenge there. If it helps, think of it as things to do before you die. We don’t want to call this list a bucket list, but imagine looking back on your life and having no regrets. Then, begin your list.

Start with thinking of something you’ve always wanted to do but never quite had the guts to go through with. Maybe it’s something obvious like ‘bungee-jumping’, or perhaps something a bit more subtle like ‘acting in a play’. Whatever it is, make sure it’s something that takes you out of your comfort zone – you’ll feel a huge sense of achievement afterwards.

2.       Something you can learn from

Alongside all the fun things on your life-list, like, ‘eat at a Michelin starred restaurant’ and ‘learn to make cupcakes’, there should be something that can truly enrich your life; something that you would genuinely class as a life goal. It might be ‘learning a new language’, or even re-training to aim for the job of your dreams. Make sure you choose something that you’ll find useful in everyday life, or you won’t have the motivation to complete the challenge.

3.       A trip somewhere completely different

You don’t have to be a backpacking student to experience a completely different culture. And while there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a sunny week in Spain, it’s genuinely exciting to visit a country where everything is different. That country could be Vietnam, or it could be somewhere a bit closer to home, like Russia. Simply make sure that your life-list contains one trip to a place that you know nothing about. If you’re really stuck for ideas, or you just have two much choice, find a travel version of a things to do before you die website and pick somewhere at random!

4.       Something that gets your heart pumping

Every life list should have at least one entry that gets your heart pumping. It could be white-water rafting the Amazon, driving a fast car around a race track or going on a rollercoaster. It should be something you want to do, but it should also be something that really gets you going and gives you a thrill. There’s nothing quite like that feeling of being on the edge of being out of control (even if you’re actually in a really safe environment!)

5.       Something that will make you feel amazing about yourself

Your life-list is about you (it’s a very egotistical exercise really!) so it’s important to make sure that the things on it are all things you want to do; not things you think just look good, or things you think you ought to do. On that note, at least one of the life goals on your life list should be something that ultimately makes you feel amazing about yourself. Whether it’s losing weight or getting fit for a sporting event, it doesn’t matter; whatever it is you should complete it with the feeling that you have seriously achieved something great.

Looking for some inspiration for your life list? Enter our Experience 2012 competition and you could win something amazing to do this year!

Looking for some inspiration for your life list? Enter our Experience 2012 competition and you could win something amazing to do this year!

Winter days are short and the nights are long so hear are some great dating ideas to help you beat the winter blues.

1.      Ice skating

Most major cities now set up a temporary ice rink for the winter months. Even if you have never skated before it can be fun to try. As a date it is perfect as it is a great opportunity to wrap up warm, hold hands, support and encourage each other and, most importantly, have a lot of fun

2.      A romantic winter picnic

A great winter picnic starts with proper planning. Decide on where you are going to go and what you are going to do. Many well known beauty spots are just as stunning in the winter and attract many forms of wildlife during the winter months. A location by a lake or river is always a good bet. Be sure to check the weather reports though, a few snow flakes are ok but a blizzard isn’t good.

There are loads of different types of insulated picnic baskets and backpacks to choose from so you can make hot food at home and it will stay nice and warm for when you and your date are good and hungry. Popular ideas to include are a thermos of hot chocolate or soup; baked potatoes, chilli, or a warming winter casserole. The key is to keep it simple, wholesome and light to carry.

3.      Go to a matinee

There is something very romantic and indulgent about going to the cinema or theatre in the middle of the day. Matinee shows are often less likely to be sold out, and are less pricey, too.

4.      Paint a pot together

In most large towns now there are pottery cafes where you can go and get messy and creative together. You choose a cup, plate or teapot, select your colours, order a hot coffee and then spend as long as you like indulging your inner artist. It is a lovely way to get to know each other away from your normal adult responsibilities and roles. It’s also a good date choice in the early days of getting to know someone because there isn’t pressure to talk constantly as you will both be working on you ceramic masterpieces.

5.      Stargaze

Stargazing is much clearer in the winter because the earth is cooler. Either you can go to a place where there is little light pollution and take your own telescope – a good pair of binoculars will do just as well – or go to an observatory and use professional telescopes. It doesn’t have to be in the dead of night, watching a sunrise or sunset can be just as romantic. Do a bit of research on the constellations (some smart phones have an app you can use) get a laser pen and you can both try to pick them out.

6.      Go to a tropical garden

If you really don’t like the cold a visit to a tropical garden can be a welcome relief as well as a perfect date. As well as heating your blood you will get to see rare and exotic plants, birds and insects which will give you and your date plenty to talk about.

7.      Have a games night

Either just the two of you, or with friends, a games night is always fun. You can make use of the latest technology and show off your dance or racing moves on the Wii or Xbox; dust off your old board games or have a retro games night with games from your childhood like Snakes and Ladders or Cludo.

8.      Take a class together

The winter evenings can feel much more fun if you have a hobby to share. There are loads of different workshops and courses in almost any subject you can think of from circus skills to comedy improvisation or from archaeology to rock choirs. Trying something neither of you have ever done before can be a good bonding experience as well as great fun and may inspire you both to enrol on a longer course.

9.      Go on a ghost tour

The darker evenings provide a spooky backdrop to the ghost tours that are now available in most cities. Feeling a bit spooked, out in the cold is a good reason to hold hands and huddle together for support. Contact your local tourist information to find out what’s available in your area.

10.  Come on baby light my fire

There is something eternally romantic about sitting by an open fire, talking late into the night and toasting your toes as well as a few marshmallows. If neither of you have a fireplace at home then wrapping up warm and sitting round an open fire outdoors is equally as romantic.

Now the holiday festivities are well and truly behind us its time to turn our attention to the year ahead. Along with all the noble resolutions for a happier, healthier body and mind many people will be hoping 2012 is the year in which they find love. Here are some tips to set you on the right path.

Be proactive

Good things don’t come to those who wait; they come to those who are proactive. It is unlikely that love will come knocking on your door so you need to take some action to make things happen. This may mean subscribing to a dating website if you haven’t done so already. Give some proper time and attention to building up a profile, selecting photographs and reviewing matches. As with most other things the more you put in the more you will get out of the process.

Be committed

As Goethe said,

‘Are you in earnest? Seize this very minute;
Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it;
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.’

It may seem like a strange thing to say but even people who testify that they really do want a new relationship aren’t totally committed to the idea. They may be hesitant because they have been hurt in the past or on some deep level they don’t really believe they are worthy of love. Check if there is anything holding you back and if necessary go and talk to someone if there are obstacles you feel you can’t shift on your own.

Have a plan

If you don’t know where you are going it will be very difficult to know if you are heading in the right direction or even to recognise when you reach your destination. What do you want your new relationship to be like? What do you want and need from a partner? What are you bringing to the table? Where would you like to be (in this relationship) in five years time? This is deeper than your ‘must haves’ and ‘can’t stands’ – it’s about building a clear picture of what is important to you in your life whether you are in a relationship or not. Don’t put your life on hold waiting for someone to accompany you on your journey, get out there and live and you are more likely to attract someone who is doing the same.

Step out of your comfort zone

Sometimes we fall into the trap of using the same selection filters time and time again when viewing profiles even though experience has shown them to be less than effective. Make 2012 the year when you trust the matching process more and date people you wouldn’t normally have considered because of their photo, height, location or other unquestioned selection criteria. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Prioritise dating

We all have many pressures on our time and energy with work, family and hobbies. Often dating can seem like a luxury we have little time for and it ends up squashed between all our other commitments. Then when we do go on a date and it is less than perfect it can put us off making time for it again in the future. This year prioritise dating in your personal calendar. Give yourself time to select matches, prepare for the date, go out on the actual date and have time afterwards to reflect on the experience. In this way even if you don’t want to see the person again you will have got the very best from the dating experience and be able to take what you learn into future dates.

Listen to yourself

One of the biggest blocks to finding a new relationship is often low self esteem. Personal confidence can be damaged by relationship break-up, job loss, illness or bereavement. Whatever it is that has damaged your confidence it is important that you take steps to feel better about yourself if you want to have the best possible chance of finding love in 2012. There are many support groups and forums offering support for whatever you have been though. The first and most loving relationship to cultivate is the one with your self. Listen to how you talk to yourself; are you your own best friend or your worst enemy?

The end of a relationship is never easy but when it happens straight after Christmas when many of us are already feeling a bit low it can be doubly hard.

Talk about what went wrong

It is important to realise that if you are experiencing a break up you are not alone and support is available from various relationship and counselling services. It can be enormously beneficial to talk through what happened with a neutral person as you will be able express your hurt and anger to someone who won’t be affected by it in the same way a family member or friend might be.

Understanding what happened

Before you will be able to fully let go of the relationship you need to understand what happened. As tempting as it can be to place all the blame on the other person it won’t really help you to really learn and grow from the experience. Look back over the whole period and see if you can pinpoint the times when you could have done or said something that would have changed the outcome. Were you going along with things you were uncomfortable with? Were you being honest about what you wanted and needed? Were there already cracks in the relationship and the pressure of Christmas proved too much?

This isn’t about apportioning blame but about seeing your part so you understand what you could do differently in the future.

Expectations

Often relationships struggle at this time of year because people feel disillusioned. They may have had high expectations of what Christmas with their partner was going to be like, especially if it was their first Christmas together, but reality hasn’t lived up to their expectations.

Now is a good time to really look at the difference between what you were hoping for and what actually happened. Write it out if it helps. Did you have expectations of your partner in terms of gifts, time, attention and energy? Did they have expectations of you that you couldn’t fulfil? Did one or both of you try to pretend to be what the other one wanted by spending more money than you could really afford or going to places where you didn’t really want to be? Were you both trying to guess what the other one wanted or needed without actually communicating clearly?

Unsatisfied expectations are one of the primary causes for post Christmas break ups so it is important to understand yours and their foundations so that you don’t go into another Christmas feeling the same.

Was it because you drank too much?

Christmas is a time when even people who don’t drink very much the rest of the year have a tipple so it is common for alcohol to be at the root of any difficulties experienced around this time. However, if this isn’t the first time being drunk has got you into trouble it might be time to take a look at your drinking habits and get help if necessary.

The worst feeling in the world is when you know you have lost your partner because you were drunk. Not only do you have to deal with the hurt and sadness that accompany the end of the relationship but also the shame that occurs if you behaved inappropriately and that caused the break up. Add the fact that alcohol is a depressant and you will no doubt be feeling very low indeed. You can’t change the past but you can take steps to make sure that the situation is never repeated.

Have a time out

Often feelings are heightened around the festive period and things are done and said in the heat of the moment. If your relationship was going well prior to the holidays and you believe that you could both recover and move on from whatever has caused the break-up maybe suggest a time out. A few days apart will give hurt feelings a chance to settle and both of you a chance to reflect on what you want for your future.

Get back into your routine

As hard as it can be getting busy really is the best thing when you have been through a break up. Sitting around, dwelling on what happened and wishing things were different will only make you feel worse. Use the experience to help you learn about yourself and what you could do differently in the future and then, as far as you can, accept it is over.

Much of what we do in life is habitual. We do most things on autopilot and our habits, good and bad, make us who we are. The key is controlling them. If you know how to change your habits, then even a small effort can create big changes in your life and confidence. Here are some tips to get you started.

Write it down

Don’t just think about making a change, commit it to paper. This does two things. First, it creates clarity by defining in specific terms what your change means. Second, it keeps you committed since it is easy to dismiss a thought, but harder to dismiss a promise printed in front of you.

21 days                                                                                                                              

Experts say it takes about 21 days for a new activity to become a habit, and 6 months for it to become part of your personality. Choose the one habit that you most want to change, the one that makes you feel unhealthy, unattractive or generally uncomfortable with who you are. By telling yourself that you are only going to do it for 21 days, one day at a time, you have a much better chance than if you tell yourself you are giving it up forever. You will be surprised at how quickly the days add up.

Learn to resist the cravings                                                                                             

Habits can be broken more easily if you understand the process that creates them. We usually go back to an unhealthy habit because we give into cravings. Cravings are like a wave, they rise to a peak, and then fall. This happens whether you yield to the urge or not, though most people believe that their craving will escalate endlessly unless they give in. In fact, succumbing to cravings only reinforces them, resisting, in contrast, reinforces resistance. Watch the urge rise, peak and fall and see how easy it becomes to ride them, one at a time. The more you ride the more confident you will become, just like a surfer.

Another trick is to recognize that willpower is like a muscle; it gets stronger the more it is used but ultimately weakens if overloaded. That’s why it is better to set short-term realistic goals rather than trying to change everything at once.

Complete abstinence

Sometimes we think that cutting down on things will be easier than giving it up altogether but actually complete abstinence is often easier than perfect moderation. If we cut down on something it is more likely that we will be reinforcing the habit in the long term because the thing – cigarette, chocolate bar etc. will become more valued as we look forward to having it again rather than coping with the cravings and eventually breaking the habit.

Replace lost needs

Whenever we give up a bad habit, to have the very best chance of succeeding we need to replace it with something otherwise we will be left feeling like there is a void in our lives and will be more likely to give in to cravings. If you stop smoking take up something that you can do with your hands – knitting, crosswords – playing angry birds on your iphone – whatever it is do that when you feel a craving. If it is food you are trying to control replace unhealthy snacks with healthy ones wherever you can.

Get some support

Tell everyone you know what you are trying to do. Surround yourself with friends who can also be role models. Make sure that people you spend time with are people who look and act the way you would like to. Social imitation is the easiest form, not only of flattery, but of self-improvement. If you can find someone who also wants to break a bad habit you can be a valuable source of support and encouragement for each other.

Reward yourself

Rewarding yourself is an important way of staying motivated. A good idea is to put the money you are saving in a jar to buy, or do, something special at the end of the 21 days. Rewards don’t have to be things, they can be tickets to a gig, a trip to a spa etc. make sure it is something you really want and wouldn’t ordinarily be able to afford as that will increase your motivation.

The thrill of succeeding in breaking a bad habit will not only improve your health and your confidence but also all your relationships as you begin to feel really good about yourself. Good luck.

There’s a lot of rubbish talked about dating, so we’ve decided to debunk a few of the most persistent myths with these quick guides. First up is the ever persistent “3 day rule”, which frankly deserves to be kicked to the kerb forever.

For anyone unsure (and lucky you if you are unsure) the “3 day rule” is apparently the number of days you should wait before calling someone you’ve been on a date with. Traditionally this is a tactic men should apparently use to make the woman ‘want them’ more, but we’ve heard of lots of women using this tactic too. Hmm.

Considering trying the 3 day rule tactic? Here are 3 really good reasons not to:

1.       It’s game playing

No one likes a player. If you wait three days to reply to someone after a successful date you’re basically saying ‘I like to mess with people’. Everybody knows that it only takes a few seconds to write a text message, no matter how busy they are. And even if your date was really keen, the fact that it took you 3 days to respond to them might put them off and you could never hear from them again. All because you wanted to play it cool.

2.       It could backfire

Let’s say you do decide to wait a few days to text or call someone after a really nice date, or to reply to a message your date has sent you. If they have any sense they will have found someone a bit more worthy to go out with – someone who will get in touch with them when it matters. And if they do respond positively, do you really want to go out with someone who is seemingly needy enough to put their life on hold for three days, waiting for you to call?

3.       It’s a waste of your time

As well as annoying, or perhaps even hurting, the person you’re making wait around, you’re also wasting your own time. What’s the point in waiting three days to find out whether your date liked you back? Ask the day after the date, and then you can either arrange another date and start to develop a relationship, or simply move on quickly.

Dating is as simple as you make it. Unfortunately we often seem to have a habit of seriously over complicating things! Ever tried this tactic on a date, or think you’ve been made to wait? Let us know in the comments…

Sometimes it’s great to get a second pair of eyes on something. That’s why, every month, we showcase one user’s eHarmony profile, asking for your feedback. We’ve had a great response so far, and for our eighth edition we’re showcasing Rhona’s profile below.

Whether you’re male or female, we’d love your comments. What do you think of the profile as a whole? What do you think works? What do you think could be improved? All comments are gratefully received, but please, nothing rude or overly personal. She’s looking for helpful critique not harsh criticism!

And, if you’re interested in getting involved, you can find out more here:

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The one thing I am most passionate about:
I enjoy keeping fit, particularly running, and enjoy taking part in races. I am basically an outdoors-y person at heart. While long-distance running is my sport of choice, when I’m not training I prefer more leisurely pursuits such as hiking/hillwalking, cycling, sightseeing, etc. When not outdoors I like to visit museums/art galleries, exhibitions, places of historical and/or social interest, etc. I love music and am a keen participant in an amateur operatic society.

The most important thing I am looking for in a person is:
Honesty. Someone who is honest with himself and with everyone else both materially and emotionally. Beyond that I am looking for a gentle, caring man who shares my outlook on life.

In my own words:

The most influential person in my life has been:
My closest friend – she is always encouraging and very supportive, and has a positive outlook on life which is infectious!

The three things which I am most thankful for:
• I value the close bonds of my immediate family – they are the most important part of my life.
• I value personal security.
• I am grateful for my health and fitness, and the opportunity and ability to pursue an active lifestyle

Three of my best life-skills are:
• Achieving personal goals
• Keeping physically fit
• Finding pleasure and contentment in simple things

The one thing I wish MORE people would notice about me:
Under the surface I am a pretty emotional person, my feelings tend to run very deep.

The things I can’t live without are:
• My family
• Laughter
• Some peace and quiet – space to chill and relax.
• Freedom to be who I am without fear of ridicule
• Air, food, water – bet everyone says that!

The first thing people notice about me:
I come across to most people as being quiet and calm, and pretty level-headed.

Some additional information I want you to know:
I can come across as shy and retiring until I get to know someone – don’t let that put you off, there’s a lively, caring, fun-loving person underneath!

My interests
I typically spend my leisure time:
Keep fit – running, swimming, hiking/hillwalking, cycling, gym classes. Reading, particularly fantasy (eg Terry Pratchett, Ray Bradbury, Douglas Adams, JK Rowling) Amateur Operatics (musicals and light operetta) I enjoy learning in my spare time as well, and have recently completed an Honours degree through the OU. I enjoy the theatre, cinema, and performing arts though I don’t often have the opportunity and/or time to go as often as I would like. I love eating out, though again it’s something I don’t do often.

The last book I read and enjoyed:
I’m always reading something so it’s difficult to pick one book over all the others. I am currently reading Bram Stoker’s “Dracula” – I’ve been meaning to read it for years and have kept putting it off. I’m enjoying it so much I’m now wondering why I didn’t pick it up sooner!

According to my friends:
My friends describe me as:
• Physically Fit
• Quiet
• Loyal
• Intelligent

Sometimes life can seem to put you on pause. It might be that your job’s not going anywhere, your search for a new home has stalled, or that your dating life is at a dead end. And if it’s your dating life, then you can feel seriously helpless; looking for love is a hard thing to force.

But, even when it comes to dating, it’s possible to employ some tactics to get things moving again. And of course, once things get moving they can gain momentum and who knows what might happen? Here are four ways to unstick your dating life:

Problem 1: Same old, same old
If you get a sense of déjà vu from your dating routine, then you’ve probably become stuck in a rut. If you’re going to the same places, meeting the same people and behaving in the same way, then it’s no wonder nothing is changing.

The solution: Break the routine. Anytime you feel like you’re in a rut the simplest solution is to do something different. If your dating routine is to meet people through friends, then why not join a group instead and meet new people that way? Or try online dating as a way to tap into a whole load of people you wouldn’t otherwise have met. We won’t deny that this requires some energy, creativity and general ‘oomph’ but it’s well worth it.

Problem 2: You’re a quitter
Dating can be tough. Sometimes it requires us to put in more effort than we feel we want or are able to. And when the going gets tough, it’s often our instinct to retreat and hide under the duvet (literally or metaphorically!) Why would you want to keep subjecting yourself to such a tough process?

The solution: Give yourself a kick up the bum. We all need this sometimes, and all it takes is to try and focus on why you’re doing what you’re doing. Guess what? It’s very difficult to meet someone without going on dates. They’re essential part of the process, so even if you’ve gone through a tough patch, you just need to keep on going. While you might feel that your friends and family fell into their relationships, remember that at one point they will have been in a similar position to you. Also remember that if you don’t try, then you have no right to moan you’re not getting anywhere.

Problem 3: You’ve lost your mojo
Trust us when we say that most people have been through a dating drought. Whether that’s no dates, or a string of awful dates, it happens. And while you might still be going through the motions, your heart’s just not in it, which in turn can really affect the way you date.

The solution: Take a risk. Put yourself out there and do something you don’t normally do. Maybe that’s speed dating, or throwing a party and asking everyone to bring along a single friend. Going for dinner with friends is easy, taking the plunge and asking out the barman at your local isn’t.

Problem 4: You’re scared

Dating can be nerve-racking. Meeting someone new, making a connection and worrying about being judged are all potentially anxiety-producing situations. Sometimes it seems so much easier to stay at home and watch TV.

The solution: Decide to conquer your fears head on. You can still have fear and move forward. It won’t be easy, but after that first call, or date, or the first time you decide to ask someone on a date you will feel empowered, and your fear will start to melt away. Even if things don’t go to plan, the sheer fact that you’ve made that leap should give you the push to try again. No one ever met the love of their life sitting in front of the TV.

It can seem as though others have all the luck. They are lucky in love, get the big breaks and are always having amazing adventures. The good news is that you too can become one of those people simply by developing a more positive way of interacting with the world. Here are some simple strategies to help you make 2012 your best year yet.

Live your own life
If you are constantly trying to be the person others want you to be you are cheating yourself out of your own dreams. What do you want out of life? A good way to find out is to look at where you want to be in five years time. Look at every aspect of your life – work, relationships, hobbies, health, where you live and what you do with your spare time. Really put some time and effort into this exercise, some people like to get a large sheet of paper and map it all out, finding pictures in magazines of their ideal home etc. Once you are clear where you want to be plan your daily routine to include at least one or two elements that bring your goals closer.

What did you learn?
We cannot always control what happens to us but we do have choices about how we respond to it. The people we really admire in society often aren’t those who have never had any suffering, it is those who have been through terrible ordeals and emerged smiling and grateful that they are still alive.

When you look back over your life, and everything that has happened to you, you can choose to see yourself as a victim or as a survivor. All the heartache, pain and suffering you have experienced helped to make you the person you are today. By starting to view it differently you have a much better chance of coming to terms with even the most traumatic events and making your future different from your past.

Forgive and forget
Forgive the person but not the act. Whoever has hurt you, whatever they did, however unjustified, cruel and unfair it was holding onto it is only going to hurt you. Having a resentment against someone is like taking poison yourself and hoping the other person will die – it makes you sick and they aren’t affected at all if they are no longer in your life.

Use the New Year as an opportunity to let it all go. Look at the experience and see what positive lessons you learned from it. Forgiving the person doesn’t mean that you condone their behaviour or make it ok it simply means that you become ready to let it go and move on with your life without them living ren- free in your head. Getting rid of any emails, photos or mementos associated with that person, or that period in your life, can really help.

Slow down
When constantly pressed to finish tasks, you can develop a negative attitude towards life. If time is a commodity, figure out how you can manage all your responsibilities more efficiently. Just by rising 15 minutes earlier each day, you will have the time to enter the day at a much calmer pace.

Write a gratitude list
Make a list of all the positive aspects in your life. Include your achievements and positive personality traits. Read the list when you need a mental boost.

Step out of your comfort zone
Sometimes a negative attitude is simply the result of feeling a little jaded and bored of our daily routine. The best ways to counteract this are either to do something that scares you or to learn something new. It doesn’t have to be every day but you can make a commitment to yourself to break your routine whenever you can and do something new that gets your heart racing a little. Going on dates with matches who you wouldn’t normally consider or who live a bit further afield fits the bill perfectly.

Help others
Instead of always thinking what you can get from the world think about what you can give. If you want 2012 to be a rewarding year remember the more you give of yourself to others the greater the rewards.

Every year most of us make one or more New Year’s resolutions which we fail to follow through to spring. This can be disheartening and damage your self-confidence so here are some practical suggestions to help you stick to your resolutions in 2012.

Start with one week
The reason resolutions often fail is because they are unrealistic and quickly begin to feel unattainable. Before making any firm resolutions try to do the following for just one week:

• Take a daily multivitamin supplement
• Don’t drink any alcohol but do drink 2.5 litres water per day
• Get 8 hours sleep every night
• Go for a 30 minute brisk walk every day
• Eat 3 meals a day – breakfast within an hour of waking up and nothing after 8pm at night and try to include plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables
• Cut down on sugar, fat and salt.

This is only for a week which most people can manage. Doing this will give your body a much needed boost which will put you in a better position to think about trying to make any permanent life-style changes.

Start small
Once you have a clear head and rested body choose one thing that would really improve the quality of your life and concentrate on that. Sometimes we think cutting down on things will be easier than giving it up altogether but actually complete abstinence is often easier than perfect moderation. Research shows that in the long term, the pleasure of victory is a better incentive than the agony of defeat. Punishment is a poor motivator. It sets you up for failure. If all you do is punish yourself for failure, you won’t stay motivated to change for very long.

Experts say it takes about 21 days for a new activity, such as exercising, to become a habit, and 6 months for it to become part of your personality. Your new healthful habits will become second-nature in no time. You are more likely to succeed it you concentrate on doing just one day at a time, you will be surprised at how quickly the days add up.

Be mindful
Habits can be broken if you understand the process that creates them. We usually go back to an unhealthy habit because we give into cravings. Cravings are like a wave — they rise to a peak, then fall. This happens whether you yield to the urge or not, though most people believe that their craving will escalate endlessly unless they give in. In fact, succumbing to cravings only reinforces them, resisting, in contrast, reinforces resistance. Watch the urge rise, peak and fall and see how easy it becomes to ride them, one at a time, the more you ride the more confident you will become just like a surfer.

Another trick is to recognize that willpower is like a muscle, it gets stronger with appropriate use but ultimately weakens if overloaded. That’s why it is better to set short-term goals that are moderately difficult, realistic, concrete and measurable. As with weight-lifting, starting at a level that is challenging but not overwhelming can provide a sense of achievement and success which can give you the drive to take on bigger challenges.

Get some support
Don’t keep your resolution a secret. Tell friends and family members who will be there to support your resolve to change yourself for the better or improve your health. The best case scenario is to find yourself someone who shares your New Year’s resolution and motivate each other.

Consciously and unconsciously, people tend to imitate those around them. That’s why the latest research shows that things like happiness, smoking cessation and obesity can spread like a contagion through social networks. So surround yourself with friends who can also be role models. “Make sure that people you hang out with are people who look and act the way you would like to. Social imitation is the easiest form not only of flattery but of self-improvement

Reward yourself
Rewarding yourself along the way is an important way of staying motivated. Don’t reward yourself with anything that contravenes what you are trying to do i.e. don’t buy a big chocolate cake to celebrate a week of not eating sugar – but do plan something else that you will really enjoy like a night out with friends.

The most common mistake people make is giving up entirely is they have one small lapse. Keep trying and 2012 could see an improvement in all your relationships as you begin to feel so much better about yourself.

Families can be a hotbed for resentments and difficult dynamics. When you are all together under one roof the danger is it can all come spilling out. Here are 12 seasonal suggestions to help you weather any festive family snowstorm.

1. Limit the time you are going to be there
It’s not natural for the whole family to be under the same roof from Christmas Eve until the New Year. Think carefully about how much time you would actually like to spend with them rather than how much time you feel you ought to. As soon as you start doing things because you ought to you may feel trapped and resentful.

2. Have plans outside the family
Make dates for over the Christmas period. It is often a good time to meet matches because people usually have some time off work and everywhere is very romantic with all the Christmas decorations around.

3. Avoid drinking too much
It’s not called the demon drink for nothing. Alcohol is the fuel for most family rows as inhibitions are loosened and people say all those things they’ve always wanted to say. People often drink too much to numb painful feelings but more often than not alcohol acts like a magnifying glass making everything bigger and worse than it was before.

4. Remember you can only control your own behaviour, no-one else’s
As tempting as it can be to try and control other people – especially if you can see exactly what needs to be done in order to keep the peace – the only person you really have any control over is yourself.

5. Change the script
Families often have patterns that are repeated every time they come together – there are roles such as the comedian, the victim, the hero, the black sheep etc. Without even realising it we are often drawn back into our old role. The good news is we don’t have to be. We can change the script just by being aware of what our old role was and acting differently.

6. Do something different
It doesn’t have to be anything monumental. Something simple like leaving a room when you feel uncomfortable; phoning a friend if you need to connect with someone outside the family or looking for the positive in everyone can completely change the family dynamic and make you feel more in control.

7. Give what you can – no more
A lot of family stress builds up because we give far more than we actually have available. This is true for time, money and energy. If you have broken the bank to buy presents you can’t afford, for people who don’t appear very appreciative that is a volcano waiting to erupt. The same is true of time and energy. There are no prizes for being a martyr and burning yourself out to put on the perfect spread. Often the pressure we experience is self-imposed, our family just want to see us, happy and relaxed.

8. Reflections
Laugh, smile, and tell a joke. If you go into Christmas dreading it the chances are it will be dreadful. Go in with a light, bright attitude and a genuine wish to make the best of the time with your family and you are much more likely to enjoy it.

9. Expectations
Let go of all expectations – of what you are going to get, what will happen and how it will be. Having no expectations makes you appreciate everything much more.

10. Be present
Let go of the past and all the other Christmas’ you have spent together. Stop trying to predict what is going to happen next, you can’t see into the future. Stay in your own head rather than trying to mind read other people. Keep checking in with yourself and when you stop having a good time do something to change it rather than sit there like a pressure cooker about to explode.

11. Show your appreciation
Make eye contact and say thank you. Give hugs and kisses and generally show your appreciation for every gift, card, kindness and bit of Christmas cheer you receive no matter who has given it. You will feel good about it even if you don’t like the present!

12. Have a stocking full of coping strategies
Use some of these suggestions and even though your family might still be exactly the same you will be different and so will your experience of Christmas.

Over analysing is a stress disorder that can affect your daily life. It can be a symptom of depression, obsessive compulsive disorder or may occur on its own. Symptoms of over analysing include nagging, racing thoughts, being hypercritical toward yourself or others, high stress levels and trouble sleeping. It can be difficult to determine what is causing your over analysing, but with the help of some simple techniques, you should be able to break the bad habit.

Ask if you want to know the answer
If your over analysing tends to be centered around relationships because you are feeling insecure then give your poor, tired brain a break and ask the person whatever it is that you need to clarify. It may be that you are trying to mind-read or second guess how a date is feeling. You may be wondering if they want to see you again; if they were upset by something that happened on one of your dates or if you offended them by something you said. If in doubt the best thing to do is ask. If your head is still obsessing try some of the suggestions below.

Get active
Because over analysing is often the result of an idle mind one of the best ways to counteract it is to get busy with your body. Distract yourself with physical activity when you are tempted to return repeatedly to an issue. Exercise will help clear your mind and raise the level of endorphins pumping through your body. Your mood will be enhanced and because your attention has been distracted for a period it can help break the process. According to research a half hour brisk walk can be as beneficial as an hour of therapy.

Let go
Sometimes we get into an over analyzing pattern because there is a situation we need to address and we are looking for a solution. We may play a mental tape of a conversation, date or other uncertain situation over and over again. We do this primarily for two reasons; we are looking for clues as to the outcome of an uncertain situation ie. will our date want to see us again? or because we are struggling to accept our own part and are rewriting what we said or did. This often leads to us beating ourselves up because the more we pick it apart the more ridiculous it looks and by the time our date does call we have convinced ourselves that it’s all over anyway.

The only way to deal with this type of mental activity is to LET GO. Some people find it helpful to write down whatever is worrying them and put it in a jar. The act of writing helps get it out of your head and putting it in the jar creates a sense of separation. You will be amazed how many things that get put in the jar get resolved by themselves once you let go of them.

Relax before bed
Night time is often the worst time for over analyzing. Many people can’t get to sleep or wake in the middle of the night and there it is, over and over on that repetitive loop. One way to help prevent this is to make sure you fully relax before going to bed. Turn the TV off, put on some relaxing music, notice your breathing and have a warm drink – caffeine, alcohol, loud music and violent or disturbing TV programmes all create mental activity which will make it harder to get to sleep and more likely that you will wake in the middle of the night as your brain is so stimulated.

Count your blessings
Another effective way of winding down before bed and sleeping in a peaceful way is each night before bed repeat the phrase “I am thankful for…” and list everything you are thankful for in your life. This way, your mind will be busy with positive thoughts instead of negative thoughts and you will sleep better. Some people like to write down their gratitude lists and again it can help to make those thoughts more dominant than negative worrying ones.

Get outside help if necessary
Although we all suffer from over analysing to some degree if you feel it is seriously affecting your life you may benefit from seeking the help and support of a professional trained in this area. Your GP will be able to advice you of where the best help is available.

Christmas is often a time of high emotions, high expectations, and high stakes. We expend a large amount of energy preparing for it and for some of us it is over much too quickly, for others it is a disappointment. Maybe somebody didn’t get what they wanted for Christmas, or you got together with your family and old arguments were dug up. Sometimes people simply eat too much sugar, and that is enough to cause an emotional slump. There are many reasons that people experience post-Christmas blues. Here are some ways to avoid it.

1. Accept things as they are
Often the biggest problem with the post-Christmas slump is caused when we think we shouldn’t be feeling that way – that if it had been a good Christmas we would be entering the New Year feeling uplifted and exhilarated and ready to face every new challenge. More often than not we enter it broke, exhausted and carrying a few extra pounds.

Many people interpret feeling low as a sign that Christmas has been a failure or worse, that they are a failure for not being happy and fulfilled by it. As far as the pendulum swings one way it has to swing back the other way before balance is restored, the same is true of our emotions. If anything, the happier and richer your Christmas was the harder it can be to take down the trimmings and return to ordinary life.

If you accept that feeling low is a natural result of having had a lovely time rather than trying to disguise or deny your feelings, it is likely to pass much quicker.

2. Treat your body like a temple for one week
One of the reasons for a post-Christmas slump is chemical. Too much sugar and alcohol (which turns into sugar in the bloodstream) can leave you feeling ill and depressed. Add to that a few extra pounds round the middle, late nights, lack of exercise and fresh air and it’s no wonder many of us return to work looking like we need a holiday.

To counteract all this people often make extravagant plans to join the gym, lose 20lbs and never drink alcohol or eat cake again. The reason these resolutions often fail is because they are unrealistic and feel unattainable.

Instead of trying to impose such strict limitations for one week try to do the following:
• Don’t drink any alcohol but do drink 2.5 litres water per day
• Get 8 hours sleep every night
• Take a daily multivitamin supplement
• Go for a 30 minute brisk walk every day
• Eat 3 meals a day – breakfast within an hour of waking up and nothing after 8pm at night and try to include plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables
• Cut down on sugar, fat and salt.

This is only for a week which most people can manage. Doing this will give your body a much needed boost which will in turn lift your mood and you will be in a much better position to think about trying to make any permanent life-style changes.

3. Do something for charity
If you are feeling hard done by, lonely or like your self esteem has taken a battering, going and helping people less fortunate than yourself can dispel it all. Contact your local volunteer centre to find out how you could help.

4. Be kind to yourself and those around you
Say thank you for all the gifts given to you. Look at any matches who have been trying to make contact and take the time to reply. If you are feeling irritable and snappy take yourself out for a walk and remember those around you may also be experiencing a post-Christmas slump too, it doesn’t mean they didn’t appreciate everything you did for them.

5. Create some space
Having a good spring clean is also a good way to dispel the blues. It can make you feel focussed and productive and will help you set the stage for your normal routine. Once it is done you will probably feel relieved and ready to welcome your ordinary life.

If you have been single and hope that 2012 will be the year when you would like to welcome a new love into your life it’s good to have an emotional spring clean too. Are you holding onto an old relationship that is stopping you from moving on? If so take some time to clear out the emails, photos, gifts and memories and have a good cry over them if you need to.

Many people find the whole holiday period a bit of a challenge if they are single but New Year can intensify feelings of loneliness and isolation. Here are 12 suggestions to help you take a proactive approach and make sure 2012 starts with you feeling good about yourself and ready to create a future that is different from your past.

1. Stay in and review your year
Gratitude does more to dispel feelings of sadness than any amount of booze or chocolate so look through the past year and all the things that have made it memorable.

2. Bring the party home
If you do really want to party but can’t face going out invite some other single friends over to see the New Year in together. It doesn’t have to cost a fortune or be a big knees up, you could all do your reviews of the year and share them with each other.

3. Do something for charity
Many people help at Christmas but by New Year good will has often been forgotten. If you are feeling hard done by, lonely or like your self esteem has taken a battering, going and helping people less fortunate than yourself will dispel it all. Contact your local church or volunteer centre to find out how you could help.

4. Don’t drown your sorrows
It’s tempting to open a large bottle of alcohol and wallow in your misery but alcohol is a depressant and will no doubt leave you feeling worse than you did before. By all means have a glass or two but be careful, especially when it comes to calling, emailing and texting people when you feel low and a bit squiffy.

5. Start as you mean to go on
How do you want 2012 to be? Take a look at your life and situation and see if there are things you would like to change. Don’t go in for self-assassination; find one thing you could realistically change that would improve your life and focus on that.

6. Be bold
If you have been invited to a party or out somewhere but are holding out on going because you don’t want to go on your own, ask someone to go with you. Maybe you have matches who have shown interest but you have been too shy to make contact. Now is the time to do something different.

7. Say yes
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is say YES to life. We are limited only by our imagination. There is nothing you could do as a couple on New Years that you can’t do on your own if you really want to. Take your life off hold and start living.

8. Examine the possibilities
Realistically what are your choices for how you spend New Year? Are there matches trying to make contact with you that you have dismissed simply because you didn’t like their photo or location? Are there social places right on your doorstep you have never been to? Are you receiving invitations but dismissing them on the grounds that you are single? Sometimes we can think there is nothing to do and no-one to do it with but really we just aren’t looking.

9. Open your mind
Sometimes we get stuck in old ways of thinking and behaving and instead of making conscious choices we are stuck in outdated habits of mind. If you want your life situation to change the chances are that you will have to change, as Gandhi said ‘be the change you want to see in the world’. New Year is a great time to practice being different. See how it feels to go to a party to see what you can give to it rather than what you can get from it.

10. Throw out the old
Nothing new can come into your life until you have cleared space for it and that is true for relationships as much as anything else. New year is a good time to let go of old loves, clear out the emails, photos, gifts and memories and have a good cry over them if you need to.

11. Welcome in the new
Let yourself dream. Where do you want to be one year from now? Make the dream really big, clear and vivid. Write it down and put it somewhere where you can read it next year. Keep it real, achievable and focussed.

12. Fall in love
Make your new years resolution to spread love rather than find love and that means whenever and wherever you can. With a full life and an open heart and mind you are sure to attract more love into your own life too.