27 October 2009
Big debate: Should you ever settle?
by eHarmony
Join this month's big dating debate - we want to know if there's ever a point when you should just stop looking for love and settle for companionship? Or should you never give up the search?
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This month join the debate on, ‘Is there a time when you should stop looking for love and just settle down?’.
With more single people than ever in the UK, should some people just settle? Or should we never give up looking for love? We want to know how you feel about your search for love – maybe you even have a pact with a friend to get married if you’re both single at 50?
1
Roderick
10 November 2009 13:21
I think some people should just settle. I did have a pact with a friend my own age, that if we were both unmarried when we were 35, we would just marry eachother, although i didn’t fancy her one little bit, I thought that the love might come in time. And it’s better than being left on the shelf, right? Sadly the day before her 35th birthday she unexpectedly killed herself. I have no idea why.
2
Harley
10 November 2009 18:46
Never settle!!.. Its better to be alone and miserable than with someone you are not happy and in love with with making you are both miserable..
3
Helen
10 November 2009 18:48
I do not think people should just ‘settle’. Having said that it may suit some people. I could never settle for something that ticked a few boxes. It would never work long term.
4
Sarah
10 November 2009 19:13
There are many perfect people for each of us we need to be in the right place (physically and emotionally) at the right time to fine one of them – but we do need to remember that no one is perfect and sometimes you have to settle or compromise on what you want because you love someone.
5
Lesley Farley
10 November 2009 19:23
Although I often think I should be grateful for all the good things in my life, I am loathe to accept that I will never again experience the comfort of knowing there is someone else to share the joys and the sorrows of life with.
6
Tony Morgan
10 November 2009 19:44
What if you are settling at being single, and not looking for miss right, even if you know deep down, you really would love to be with someone.
7
Claire
10 November 2009 19:47
Never, ever just settle. I would rather be on my own forever than be with someone that made me “nearly” happy. There is a difference between settling and compromising – once you understand that the rest is easy.
still waiting for Mr Right tho !!! x
8
Sue
10 November 2009 19:48
Settling for someone you don’t love I believe is wrong and you will both end up miserable. Settling for someone you love and sacrificing your best-laid plans for family or ‘mr perfect’ list is a different matter! As for being single – you don’t have to be miserable because you’re single… make the best of what you have!
9
Paul
10 November 2009 19:49
I think that you can try too hard to find love. If you relax and settle down but keep an open mind and never be afraid of opening doors then love will come sooner or later. The important point is to live life to the full both in and out of love.
10
Horsemadpeter
10 November 2009 19:51
(About to cancel my membership on here)
Having been single now for 8 Years, and having been on a few sites and not managed to meet anyone, I am about to give up to it all!!!
I will stay here to the end of the Month and try and try and see if I can meet anyone, but I don’t hold out any hope…….but hey-ho I have my horse for company and my dog.
As the song says “Better off alone”
11
David Keen
10 November 2009 20:00
I’ve been on my own nearly forever silly Claire..! -5′times of intimacy’ in my entire 43 years on this planet.
I find trust, discussion & freedom to explore needs & fantasies would be the best way to go (when/if that ever does happen!). But it should be about exploring together/each other.
Perfection is not what to aim for. Try what makes you happy, & work from there…!
12
Samantha
10 November 2009 20:14
I think some people are a little bit too fussy, but no you should never settle, that won’t work for either you, or the partner you settle for and in the long run won’t bring either of you happiness.
13
Julie
10 November 2009 20:26
Even E harmony cannot find me any matches- and after a rotten year of stress, bereavement and having to cope on my own, I’m now thinking that someone decent is never coming along now- and I should now be looking for that perfect British Blue Shorthair kitten.
having once been in a relationship with someone who everyone though was perfect (who had a drink problem on the scale of Oliver Reed) and who was deeply flawed I know all about being miserable with a partner.
On another tack- Why isn’t there a place where women can hire a platonic companion for the evening and have a meal out without it being a scandal.
14
Susan
10 November 2009 20:28
The notion of ” looking for love ” is a misrepresentation. Love is like being born – you didnt ask for it and couldn’t change where it took place. The thing is be content abd happy with yourself, then place yourself out there and love in one or more of its guises will find you!
15
Claire
10 November 2009 20:42
Settling sounds so defeatist and desperate! I think it is really a question of what you can and can’t put up with in a relationship for it to be successful and long term. Otherwise all those things things that are only half ticked will become great big crosses to bear. Do you find your partner physically attractive? Can you imagine waking up with them every morning, bad breath an’ all? Do you love them? Do you love making love with them? I wouldn’t call that “settling”, I’d call you extremely lucky! Hurry up and get “settled”!
16
lorraine
10 November 2009 20:46
I agree that it is best to be on your own then with someone and both be unhappy. As for settling for being on my own.Then no, I don’t want to settle for that. You are a long time dead and though I have had bad experiences in the past, I hope that there is someone good for everyone out there and how else can you find each other in this day and age? I will find a good man one day, I hope, until then I will keep on looking and maybe have some fun, lol!
17
frankie
10 November 2009 20:50
I think it’s better to live alone than live a lie. I am not sure I am in the ready to look for love. Maybe one-day I will be ready to let someone close. The idea of being with someone just for the sake of not being single is depressing. I may be single but I am happy with what I have been dealt for the most part. Life is good.
18
Julie
10 November 2009 21:00
I believe that you should never give up looking for love if that’s what you really want to do, but at the same time, it is very important not to become obsessed with your quest. Fair enough you’re looking for love, but you do not need to make it the only thing on your mind.. Go out, have fun, enjoy life to the fullest, but at the same time, keep your mind open
19
Felicia
10 November 2009 21:23
If you are looking for someone to complete you, you will never find the right person. Relationships are about sharing what you have not trying to change the other person to fit what you need. Find yourself first and the rest flows naturally. No need to settle for less because that only brings disappointment in the long term.
20
Peter
10 November 2009 21:42
Love happens when it happens. The best kind just develops through the building of a friendship. Don’t look for it. Just put yourself in the way of meeting compatible people, either through an agency like eHarmony or through social and intellectual activities. Make lots of friends and let things take their course. Nice things often happen when you are not expecting them. In any case, we sometimes have to ‘let be’ and see what we can do to help somebody else. Reality tells us that most of us are bound to end life on our own any way, which is not necessarilly a depressing thought. Grow a flower!
21
Sheila
10 November 2009 22:00
Never never never settle,you are not being true to yourself, and it is not being fair to the other person.
22
Sandy (also horse & dog mad)
10 November 2009 22:38
I was widowed in July this year at the age of 55 after being married for 38 years and can’t imagine being on my own but in the same breath i am scared of dating again but i will give it a go when i feel the right person comes along but if not i won’t settle for anyone just to be with someone, i haven’t subscribed yet because no matches have come near enough for me to….so no i won’t settle….i also have my unconditional dog for company thankfully but no horse at the moment!!
23
mary
10 November 2009 22:42
Its fine to know what your wants and needs are. Particularly when it comes to love. It takes on many different facetts. To know is to grow, true love comes when you least expect it. its definitely not always the way we plan it. open yourself to the very best always. most of all because you deserve it. easy.
24
Julie
11 November 2009 00:16
It depends what is ‘settling’. My priorities have changed now I’m in my late thirties. I’ve always been so independent, so busy leading a single life, I missed the boat possibly on a few good men.
Love isn’t always like in the movies, knocking you for six when you least expect it. You at least have to be ready to let it in. Is that settling, or just reassessing what’s important to you in a partner?
25
Melanie
11 November 2009 02:06
I have been on this site twice now and have yet to find a date, contacts have been unreliably in many ways, therefore i will not settle for just being with someone so as not to be alone. Either way it stinks and is a lonely experience, in an unhappy relationship or going it alone. Make the best of what you have at that time.I have decided to get on with my life and explore the big wide world.
26
Pee
11 November 2009 02:48
I am a good woman and will not ‘settle’ for less than what I what and deserve from a partner.I know my worth and what I have to offer. Nothinhg happens before time. @You can’t hurry love@ so live life to the max until love comes your way. You must complete yourself and your parnter complement you.
27
Marea
11 November 2009 07:29
Every person deserves to loved and wanted for whatever qualities they have, not just be settled for. That said many people have unrealistic expectations in finding what they want in a partner. Yes there needs to be an initial attraction but you need a lot more to sustain a relationship than physical attributes or youth.
28
Anita
11 November 2009 08:45
I’ve done the ‘settle’ thing rather than be left on the shelf – I wasn’t even that old! It didn’t work.
I have loved many times in my life at different levels and I don’t regret any of it. Lessons learnt, lasting friendships made, wounded hearts that mend – it’s all part of lifes great journey, we are here for a good time, not a long time so just go with the flow xx
29
Rocket12
11 November 2009 10:37
Adam went to sleep one night and in the morning there she was . Why can’t life be so simple. I am saved single solvant and a nice guy why should finding love be such hard work. He that finds a wife finds a good thing so you have to look.
But it easy to see why you could give hope. But the Bible is full of examples of saints waiting a long time for God to bring things about.
30
Andi
11 November 2009 10:54
“Settle for being single” sounds like the consolation prize,
I’m single now after a long, happy marriage, which bizarrely ended in divorce (he had mid life affair!) and now I absolutely love being single, my own money, freedom, choices, friends, no-one to answer to etc. Occasionally I think it would be nice to be loved again and I do miss cooking for someone else, but I’ve done both and being single is definitely the best. Unfortunately society expects everyone to be part of a couple, stuff that!! life can extremely enjoyable on your own. (I’m not a good advert for e.harmony!!)
31
Catherine
11 November 2009 12:31
Lesley, I’m right there with you.
I don’t want to settle but at 50 I might have to because I’m not prepared to ‘settle’ for being alone.
Pee’s right about not settling for less than you want or deserve but do my dates see me like that? Apparently not.
I guess ultimately I cannot live the next 20 odd years alone. I won’t do it!
As Richard Burton said, “Unless you love someone, nothing makes any sense.”
32
Anthony
11 November 2009 19:03
‘Just settle being single’ is a thought that scares me to death. Nearing 40 and being a single man the thought of living the rest of my life alone is something I couldn’t contemplate. I would rather die than live the rest of my years alone. I don’t want to give up the search but at some time bridges will need to be crossed.
33
Suzy
11 November 2009 20:00
I don’tthink anyone should settle. I believe there’s someone out there looking for me. It’s just a question of when and where we’ll find each other. Read before that we should be content and happy and love will come. How can one be happy and content when feeling low and having confidence issues after having been hurt badly? It’s the hardest thing ever. Should we pretend? I really don’t think it’d work…
34
terry thomas
11 November 2009 20:03
Never settle just for the sake of it. O have had 3 relationships in my 62 years My first wife died at the age of 49 after 29 years of mariage.My second decided to leave me, and my last partner was happy living in a country where my work came to an end after 6 years of being together. I have now been on my own for nearly 8 months and seeking to find a partner to share my life with. I have been lucky in my love life up to now in as much as I remember the good times but I would not just settle for some one because I am on my own and fear being lonely as I grow old.I am sure there is someone out there if not a live in relationship but one where a relationship can help to share the good things we both have to share. here’s hoping.
35
Jayne
12 November 2009 13:17
Dear ‘madhorse peter’ Number 10 above
getthrough to me on eHarmony.
I have horses too, have been on my own same length of time, through choice.
Never rush to be in the permanent/semi-permanenant company of others. If you can’t stand being alone, what chance has someone else??
Be comfortable in your own space first. I do believe that too many men rush into a new rellationship, simply because they can’t bear the silence.
36
Jayne
12 November 2009 13:18
sorry Horse mad peter ! (Not madhorse, as I previously wrote!!)) hehe
37
jean
12 November 2009 15:05
iv been single 9 years i would love to meet my match but lost my trust after a bad marriage i think your match is around some where but its finding him
38
gail
12 November 2009 19:16
it is all about optimism and the what if’s – there are some truly genuine people out there – and why settle for anything that does not give you the energy and desire to be yourself.
39
Jane
12 November 2009 20:36
I don’t think you can settle AND be happy! I tried with the last relationship, really tried to overlook so many things…eventually these issues keep surfacing and you can’t keep lying to yourself! I believe the truth in the saying “you’d only make two people unhappy in the long run!”
40
Tracey_London
2 December 2009 16:20
Some thought provoking stuff in all these comments!
I married at 25, knowing subconsciously that he was just “Mr almost-Right” – which was confirmed when we divorced at 30.
My belief: Mr Right does NOT have to be Mr Perfect – just Mr Right-For-Me
and so no, I wouldn’t settle for anything less. I’ve been mostly single since the divorce, because of trust issues at first, but also because I’ve not found someone to ENHANCE my life – too many people want to change me, or for me to fix them – no thanks! 
We’re all wonderful beings, looking to share our lives in a way that will make them bigger and more meaningful – but not at the expense of losing ourselves.
41
bob
14 March 2010 17:10
There is no such thing as a perfect partner for life (or very few). We all change overtime, what’s perfect today might be a nightmare in 10 years time.
Remember you don’t have to be single to be alone!