5 October 2009
The top turnoffs for men
by eHarmony
Just as it’s vital to know how to spark his interest, it’s equally essential to know what douses a man’s dating flames.
As we attempt to find, attract and keep our perfect guy, we often consider what turns a man on. But, no matter how much you hone your flirting skills or perfect your pillow talk, there are certain types of behaviour that will sabotage all your efforts. Identifying these turnoffs will help you keep the spark alive from first encounter to a committed relationship. Discover the big five:
1. Flakiness
Admit it now – if you’re a regular plan changer or frequently cancel on dates at the last minute, you need to take yourself in hand. Men report that flakiness is one of their top turnoffs. By only pencilling in plans or deciding to do something else an hour before you’re meant to be meeting, you are telling them that they’ll do for now but you’re really holding out for someone better. Nobody wants to be with a person who makes them feel temporary. If you care about a man, make plans and stick to them.
2. Making him do all the work
Tradition might dictate that the man asks the woman out and plans the first date, but it’s not fair to assume he is happy to keep this up forever. If, for example, you expect him to always come to your part of town, pick you up, pay for dinner, call you the next day and generally pander to your every whim, you are asking too much. And if there’s a disagreement and you always expect to get your way, you’ll end up lonely and single. Today, chivalry goes both ways and the dating game requires input from both sides. If you can be fair in the dating game, men will appreciate it.
3. Inability to communicate
We’ve probably all done it at some stage – gone along with something that our boyfriend or date says even though we’re not happy about it, only to blow up later at an utterly inappropriate time. While this kind of behaviour is common, repeatedly acting like this is likely to ruin a relationship. How is the man supposed to know how you feel or what you want if you don’t tell him at the time? Just as you deserve to be with someone who communicates his needs and desires, so does he. So get in the habit of saying what you mean.
4. Trying to get him to fit your mould
We see, hear or read about women who try to change their man so frequently it has become a cliché. Whether it’s the way he dresses, his friends or his manners, the girl who tries to kick her man into shape usually comes off looking like a control freak. Don’t be this woman. Just as you want to be accepted for who you are, you should love him warts and all. If you can’t accept him as he is, he’s probably not right for you. Instead of trying to shape him into what you want, move on and keep dating until you find someone you have no desire to change.
5. Ultimatums
There’s no bigger turnoff than a woman who gives a man ultimatums. If you communicate your needs properly, you won’t need to make such demands. It’s usually when communication breaks down and a relationship isn’t going the way that one or more people want that ultimatums are issued. They are toxic to a relationship and should be avoided at all costs.
By grasping the types of behaviour that make men want to flee, you can spend your energy on lighting his fire.
» Search for your soul mate – subscribe to eHarmony
1
alun
15 October 2009 13:48
I agree. But I’d add “playing hard to get” to my personal list. This is virtually indistinguishable from plain lack of interest and I haven’t the time or inclination to deal with it.
Oh, and if someone said “It’s me or the dog” to me, I’d pick the dog every time on principle.
2
observer
15 October 2009 15:07
Alun, you seem quite bitter!
Ultimatums: men always say “i’m not a mind reader, unless you tell me then I don’t know”. So you tell them what is bothering you, and some men will act as though you never had that conversation and carry on regardless, so sometimes with some men ultimatums are necessary to get something achieved rather than plod on without results.
3
Pam
15 October 2009 16:58
Sometimes an ultimatum is neccessary if a guy thinks he can get away with treating you like you don’t matter or have no value. Lack of communication is so common in men and I’ve met a few who think it’s ok to not bother turning up for dates with no apology and no realisation that they have done anything wrong. I know I deserve better so yes, I will in those instances issue an ultimatum and I believe I am right to do so.
4
Jenny
15 October 2009 22:22
All of these points could be equally applied to men lets be clear these are not solely female traits. Flakiness, lack of clarity, and lack of commitment has often been my experience of men. So this article should be headed turn offs for men and women.
5
Karine
16 October 2009 12:44
I agree with Jenny. I experienced flakiness last week. lacl of clarity this week and lack of commitmnent with my ex…..they are all men!
6
Reader
27 October 2009 01:54
Alun, you’ll end up very loney! Why do men assume that they can call/text whenever it suits them and that women will always be there, eager to see them? How wrong guys – you always push too far and then it’s time to move on.
7
Chris
20 November 2009 14:55
Ladies,there is a section about men too.The article is right,ultimatums are toxic to a relationship,there is never any need for them and it is the bastion of the desperate.
If you are not getting the result you intended:
1)Ask yourself if the request really is that important
2)Try to be the easy going one,if they end up taking the pee,move on.
3)The most important one that everybody overlooks: try to reach a compromise,its not a battle.Again if one side doesn’t compromise,see question one and two !
If things get to the stage where it becomes a battle or a source of anxiety,then MOVE ON.
8
Sharon
12 December 2009 00:41
Plain and simple, if someone likes you they want to see you, there is no “flakiness, lack of communication blah blah blah”. If a realtionship is hard work from day 1, then it’s just not right. Go with instinct, it speaks volumes.
9
paul
24 December 2009 23:43
my marrage is over but for one thing, my two girls, i stay only for them! my wife shouts, and have been violent towards me thee times,i have called the police twice, and on both occations droped the charges.i have given altimations, what a waste of time.
10
me
8 February 2010 16:39
oh please paul. get out! dads have rights too. a happy child is not necessarily one with two parents living together.what are u teaching them? it,s ok to stay with someone who is so disrespectful to you? do u want that for ur children when they are older?
if she,s violent report her, gives u more leg to stand on to see kids when u split.
my brother is a single dad, some do win custody.
do it for them.
11
Helen
9 February 2010 16:23
I agree with Sharon (8) Gut instinct, it works every time.
12
Helen B
17 February 2010 23:34
I agree with Sharon (8). If it’s hard work whether just beginning a relationship or in a long term relationship then it is pretty much doomed and you should move on.
13
Ratamahatta
27 February 2010 00:33
I agree with the first poster Alun, one of my pet hates is when women play hard to get. By that I really mean mind games, they try to increase your interest by jumping in and out of the picture, or being mysterious. Deep down it screams to me control freak on some level.
I appreciate it much more when two adults can talk/interact as adults. Mind games, playing ‘hard to get’ and all similar things I just don’t have the patience for. I don’t appreciate people playing games with my emotions/interest, especially when I really like them.
14
Geoff
28 February 2010 12:09
A big turnoff for me jumping into bed on the first date. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as up for it as anyone, but in the cold light of day I’d be asking how many others had the pleasure. Lust at first sight and love at first sight are totally different.
15
Neil
14 March 2010 21:09
In contrast to Geoff I don’t care much for what someone has done in the past. If I find myself worrying about that then I know I’m not with someone I feel I can trust in the first place. Infact it puts me off when a woman makes a point of not jumping into bed purely to avoid being branded as easy. It shows a lack of integrity.
16
Jamesy
15 March 2010 23:55
Honestly! It sounds like a list before some SAS mission of derring do. I’d break it down to its common denominator..we’re all people regardless of gender and so wanted to be treated with respect and dignity and love….I think if you can give of those freely regardless of gender then you’re on to a winner
17
jane
16 March 2010 15:17
ok the first poster is just confussed… firstly woman dont play hard to get… you perceive them as hard to get!! ok those who you think are hard to get possibly are just complicated and thus a good thing!! only a few woman can pull that off and most guys are after that complication as it is a unique gift… it just means that there is more for you to find out about the individual that makes it interesting..
secondly: guys should know that lack of communication is a turnoff for us not knowing how you feel… first if you dont put in the effort hence we wont… so both parties have to play fair
18
Tor
23 March 2010 13:24
Why does everything have to be so much hard work….? Unconditional, acceptance, respect and tolerance….the key things….why have we got so many exectations? Baggage that’s why….dump the baggage and start afresh….it’s all about love love love!
19
Tor
23 March 2010 13:32
p.s quite frankly there are too many rules and although these articles are meant to help…they still spell rules! Rules not good!
20
meg
11 April 2010 07:08
Seems to me your all missing the point. You want to be with someone that you can spend the rest of your life with so open, honest communication is the key.
If your not willing to share then why would someone want to share with you!Leave your baggage at home. Take it for what it is and enjoy it. and whether you sleep with someone on the first date is between you, but why would you thats only sexual attraction. We are all worth more than that and it our life were putting at risk.
21
S
14 April 2010 12:16
Geoff – “A big turnoff for me jumping into bed on the first date. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as up for it as anyone”
LOVE this attitude…perhaps you should add ‘more willpower than me’ to your list? Have no doubt Geoff, in the morning women also wonder where you’ve been…
22
Tara
16 April 2010 00:21
Reading all these messages makes you realise why some people suit some people and why others dont.When you meet someone who suits you it is easy and there is no need for ‘mind games’ as such etc etc. As for feeling bad about jumping into bed on the first night..well its a two way thing and its hilarious that one person can think oh my how many other people has this person done this with…you’ve just done it yourself…Dating is suppose to be fun and something you can learn alot from if you choose to
23
Amanda
18 April 2010 10:13
Dear me… Are we in the play ground here or grown ups? Ultimatums, who’s right or not.. ffs..
The right attitude breeds the right response.. if a person is charismatic confident and good to be with, the other person will respond to that regardless of gender. Less placing the oness on others to react or respond and more looking at what/who YOU are methinks and maybe you will all get out of E.H whats there to be got?
I havent been here long but have already made a couple of great friends, who knows if/where anything will go and I hope to meet more x I expect nothing so anything I get is a huge bonus. Far easier than living in constant disappointment If that person is meant to be for you.. they’ll be there with out the need to force the issue..
This is after all an opportunity to meet some great people and learn from that not rentaspouse.
The responses to a lot of these articles makes me think there are a lot of people out there who need to take a few moments to take a long hard look at themselves – would YOU want to be with you?
Have fun ! Lifes to short to be desperate.
24
Harry
14 July 2010 21:00
Reading this string helps me realise why I’ve stayed solo for so many years (after an amicable divorce) and avoided so much hassle. Yes, I’d love to love again, yes I’m missing so much, yes time is passing – but is it just me, or is it just so much calmer, more peaceful, when you’re not fussed about getting hitched? So what am I doing here, you ask? Well, I have faith that one day it’ll happen, “she” and I will ‘hit it off’ and there’ll be no space for flakiness, suspicion, playing hard to get etc….. And if not, who’s to say I (and “she”) will not be better off staying as we were?
25
Luke
17 July 2010 12:17
An interesting thread, with some strong opinions being expressed. I thought this thread was about men’s turn offs, girls? Go open your own thread to air yours…..maybe we’ll pop over and critique them for you……..Me, as you may get the hint, my big turn off is self opinionated and intolerant people, male or female!
26
Richard
22 July 2010 16:59
Interesting. When to people agree to meet up why try acting the part?
Just be yourself. Neither party need to play hard to get as you are both there to meet and start to get to know one another.
I feel very dissapointed when I meet a lady and all she is after is a free meal and drinks, that is why I do not use other sites.
What you see is what you get and if one doesn’t feel any rapour with the other then for goodness sake say so, I’m not going to break your neck for that, I expect honesty from day one.
I am seriously looking for a lady to spend my most precious treasure with, my life, it is serious not a joke.
Sorry for the rant but that is my biggest turn off. x
27
maria
26 July 2010 20:39
i av 2 admit i agree with wot the men are saying,, if you stay true 2 urself and dont play games, u wont go far wrong,but works both ways
28
tynia
27 July 2010 18:11
came to read the artical & realised it sums up most of the men ive met!!!! lol ive kissed many frogs but stil live in hope of kissing one that turns in to my prince!
29
Dominic
30 July 2010 09:41
First off, let stay away from the gender bashing from either side, this article has valid points that some women will relate to in regard to some men they have had experience with. That goes without saying but it is an article from the male perspective, presumable written with male input just as there have been articles similar to this from the female perspective.
Second of all I don’t see that either sex has the monopoly on mind games and other less pleasant dating habits.
Thirdly (mostly directed to Jane “17″)
I am fairly sure that women are not jigsaw puzzles with key pieces “hidden” to increase a mans pleasure in discovering them. This is just another form of mind game which some people like to play. I think in the main however that being straight up is more valuable than making a perspective partner jump through hoops.
Lastly
I would say that many of us looking for that good connection would rather have someone treat us the way they would have us treat them. Granted for some that will involve whips and food products of some kind! But I think most people will read that as mutual respect, honesty and kindness, with trust and love earned over time through application of the former.
Good luck to all you daters!
30
Steve
30 July 2010 13:42
Well, I have to say that I think this article is pretty accurate! I also agree with post 1 – playing hard to get or being ‘mysterious’ should be on the list as it’s hard to distinguish it from plain lack of interest, but I guess everybody is different.
31
sue
31 July 2010 13:06
Like your comment Alan, I would choose the dog too! Surely if you are having to issue ultimatums the relationship can’t be right, just say thanks for trying and goodbye.
32
Charlie
2 August 2010 05:15
Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship.. along with it comes a deeper understanding of each other… it helps to in developing your relationship.. Discussions instead of arguments… defo number one on my list.. i think mind games are for the immature and insecure… If you have to issue an ultimatum then the people in the relationship arent communicating properly…
Making him do all the work…. Yeah ok dont push it too far.. But am i the only one who still thinks that a man can be a gentleman and a woman can be a lady.. for instance on a date!?
33
Angela
2 August 2010 21:14
What does flakiness mean?
34
ian
3 August 2010 13:54
Very good article. I would say if your a straight loyal guy, a female playing games in a relationship when your being really good to her is the quickest way to end things. Also adding uncertainty by adding little tests is fraught with the chances of destroying the relationship. I especially agree with the female expecting the guy to do all the running there comes a time when he just thinks am I a mug and will start asking around to see if others have experienced similiar traits with the same person.
35
mark
7 August 2010 22:53
family is important but a big turn off is family members who try to control the relationship and dictate how and where the relationship should go. and you are left feeling “well who am i having a relationship with”.
went out with a young lass last year and the sister was very dominant and to put it bluntly she hated me. but where it got difficult was every time the sister snapped her fingers the lass i was with jumped. she would cancel dates. hang up on phone conversations and it finally ended when she told me her and her sister were going to be going away on holiday and i said ” I bet you go away and i never hear from you again.” she rang me the once when she had arrived at her destination , then that was the last i heard of her. so family can also be a problem.
36
Anna
10 August 2010 10:11
A very interesting thread of comments… Not sure what to say. Dating and relationships are tough, and with all the communication issues of today-text/e-mail/phone it makes it harder. If you like someone or have had a good date tell them, then either one if you can make the next move…. It’s pretty hard to read someones mind!!
37
julie
12 August 2010 21:10
I think compromise is the name of the game but i have never been able to find anyone who will compromise and that has been the demise of the relationships i have had as well as just physical attraction
38
David
14 August 2010 08:44
Having lived a considerable portion of our lives, we all have our foibles. The main thing in any relationship is compromise.
39
v
15 August 2010 11:21
Apparently when you meet the right person you just know & all of these rules and things that other people have told you etc that you may follow don’t matter anymore. This isn’t a gender issue but a compatibility issue. The person who usually wouldn’t date a woman he slept with on the first date may marry this person if she is in fact right for him. Instead of focusing on what is wrong with someone I think people should work out what the must haves are and just focus on those. You can always find an excuse for why someone isn’t right but the better question is if they have all of your must haves then why are you looking? I think this is a great article and I think it is helpful to see what men find puts them off. Whether its 100% accurate for all men doesn’t matter. If it helps some woman avoid screwing up the first date with someone they like then its a good thing.
40
E
15 August 2010 14:25
I just issued an ultimatum of sorts. Sick and tired of just texts no request for a date just mindless back and forth texts with no effort. My ultimatum, I’m not going to answer your texts if you wanna communicate or go on a date you’re going to have to press the little green button. Now I know how appauling this may sound. But what is the polite way of telling someone that you can’t be bothered to text – cos 9 times out of 10 if you don’t give these ultimatums then the guy can persist in dropping useless texts just to get his ego boosted and unfortunately us girls have to bat them off time after time, knowing full well it’s not going anywhere and that he just wants to keep dangling a carrot. I take all the above points on board but I think someone needs to right a book on the dating world with texting, cos to my mind, I can’t stand living a relationship via a text!
41
anon
15 August 2010 20:37
not been on this site long but already starting to think why i bothered joining
communication is THE KEY to any relationship
ok im not a millionaire and im not brad pitt just a decent honest respectful guy
looking for love
so called matches dont seem to have the decency or politeness to even reply to any communication why is this ladies ?
please enlighten me
surely thats not too much to ask is it ?
42
James
16 August 2010 09:02
The trouble is: women often enter into relationships hoping that he’ll change whereas men enter into relationships hoping that she’ll NEVER change. Both are unrealistic. Compromise is key.
43
DAVID
16 August 2010 19:36
THIS WEB SITE IS ONE MAJOR TURN OFF WILL GET OFF IT AS SOON AS POSS DAVID XXX
44
Mel
17 August 2010 15:37
I agree with the last comment from David. Site is poor, matches are all based in the US and I live in the UK. Happy to hear from people abroad but there are no matches in the UK. Guided communication is a major turn off, as are the idiots who opt for that and are scared to email. Men are hunters and the truth is if they want to be with you they will move heaven and earth to do so. If they don’t then they really aren’t that into you, and nothing will change that. No amount of game playing, will change that. And as a final thought, men think with their ……..not their heads !!
45
eharmony
17 August 2010 16:06
Hi Mel,
Sorry to hear your matches are based in the US. We have over 1 million registered UK users, and you should probably be seeing some UK matches. I’ve forwarded your comments onto our Customer Care team who will be in touch within the next 48 hours. They will be able to give you some tips on altering your match settings so you see matches from the UK.
Hope that helps.
Best wishes,
eHarmony Advice
46
Steve
18 August 2010 15:15
“I just issued an ultimatum of sorts. Sick and tired of just texts no request for a date just mindless back and forth texts with no effort. My ultimatum, I’m not going to answer your texts if you wanna communicate or go on a date you’re going to have to press the little green button. Now I know how appauling this may sound. But what is the polite way of telling someone that you can’t be bothered to text – cos 9 times out of 10 if you don’t give these ultimatums then the guy can persist in dropping useless texts just to get his ego boosted and unfortunately us girls have to bat them off time after time, knowing full well it’s not going anywhere and that he just wants to keep dangling a carrot. I take all the above points on board but I think someone needs to right a book on the dating world with texting, cos to my mind, I can’t stand living a relationship via a text!”
- usually there’s a reason, the bloke is seeing someone and keeping you strung along, or he lied in his profile – eg. a fake or ancient picture or he’s in a relationship/married. it’s called a time waster – delete the number and move on.
47
andrew
19 August 2010 21:14
re steve!!!!
think yourself lucky you get any tex.s
what a waste of thirty odd quid
95% of my matches are twice the distance i specified and the rest are just ignorant or not members
needless to say i wont be renewing my subs worst site ive ever been on and this is only the second one
48
Christopher
20 August 2010 13:25
I think a reality check is needed.
At the end of the day, I think most of us rely primarily on a photograph to initiate an interest in potential match, and this is only natural.
If we see someone who we feel is quite attractive – or at least not unattractive (to us, it’s all subjective after all) – then their profile will either leave us more interested, or may put us off entirely.
If we try to introduce ourselves to someone we’re interested in and don’t receive a reply it’s not because that someone is ignorant, it’s probably because it’s awkward to reply with a polite response which basically will say they’re not interested.
Don’t take it personally or you’ll end up with a complex – move on, be patient – if anything’s going to happen, it’ll happen.
Now good luck everyone. :0)
49
Karen
20 August 2010 14:21
Hi everyone
Well christopher, i quite agree with your last comment. I know i’d rather see who i’m initiating contact with, and whether i find them physically attractive. Having this view doesn’t mean your shallow or take looks over personality either.
You can read a profile and think yep this person sounds great, they seem to fit all your criteria, then you see a photo and yep if physical attraction isn’t there, unfortunately, sometimes it doesnt matter how great they sound.
Lifes to short to get upset over none responses, again i agree, move on, i believe there is a special someone for everyone out there.
Take care all x x
50
andrew
20 August 2010 22:39
re christopher
i dont worry bout not gettin replies
my point was we,re all adults on this site it doesnt take much to say no thanks does it seems manners dont exist here whats dificult about that
sod it im off t pub
51
David
21 August 2010 11:01
I find flakiness the most irritating and annoying quality in a woman. Like many who join this site and find themselves unable to communicate properly, respond to an already moving message chat, or even log in much for that matter…spells out nothing but flakiness of character which there seems to be so much of, save your money girls and go to the pub.
52
Steve
21 August 2010 19:24
Andrew I’m in the same boat as you – most people don’t reply – that’s (I assume) because they are cheap skates who are waiting for a free weekend or are half in a relationship with someone else so just on here as a fallback.
I had one girl throw her toys out of the pram this week cos I send her a nudge. Another who closed me ‘cos I hadn’t replied to her email after 36 hours.
53
andrew
22 August 2010 20:16
re steve
welcome to the club
how did you give her a nudge ?
i can understand being closed for not replying fairly quickly ive closed many today for that reason i mean whats the point being on a site and not checking regularly any correspondance
mind you those that do check your emails and still dont reply are the worst
and prove they havnt got any manners are probably best left on the shelf
anyway good luck mate think we,ll both need it on here
54
Rikki
23 August 2010 11:48
My top turn-off is a woman who drinks a lot/can’t handle her drink. There really is nothing worse than enjoying a night out (or in) only to have your partner start talking rubbish and trying to start an argument for no reason whatsoever.
By the way, you can tell that I’ve obviously had that happen on several occasions. I should’ve got rid after the first ‘episode’…
55
Steve
24 August 2010 13:49
Andrew – I gave her a nudge just by clicking on ‘nudge’. I then got a stroppy email saying my haves/have nots were shallow and had offended her. I pointed out that if she wasn’t happy with my have/have nots then why hadn’t she clicked on ‘close’ like you’re supposed to.
The one who closed me after no reply within 36 hours – I just dont get it – another toys/pram situation in my opinion. I’d actually had a few busy days and a computer that played up.
56
Steve
24 August 2010 13:50
Rikki – my top turn off is girls who come out with no money or who do but never pay for anything – they last a date or 2 then I delete their number so they can move on to the next man to freeload off.
57
Ynishee
24 August 2010 14:58
Unfortunately sometimes it needs a third party to point out those things which put others off us; rather than take it as criticism see it as an opportunity to improve yourself especially when it comes to the basics like blowing your nose into a tissue rather than onto the street.
Though I’m with Richard (26) talk true and straight (I’ll even split the bill.)
No ultimatums – just go, and let it be the end. No bashing, just move on.
Communication is a must – all the truth all the time, not just when it suits you; no half truths or omissions.
Chivalry I love – i want my loved one to open the door for me and not leave it slam in my face in his hurry to get to the loo; and YES I do thank them everytime.
I tend to be right most of the time cause I take my time posing questions – when I’m wrong I’m the first to admit it an be embarassed by it. This though is just effective communication.
Good luck to us all.
58
andrew
25 August 2010 21:06
cheers steve
had around 50 matches in last 2 week and not one has viewed my profile all are double my specified distance that just tells me none of them are paid members
this is disgraceful EH
what about a refund what youve sold me is not fit for purpose EH
59
eharmony
26 August 2010 10:16
Hi Andrew,
I’m sorry you’re not having the eHarmony experience you hoped for. I’ve forwarded your comments onto our Customer Care team, who will be in touch within 48 hours. Alternatively, you can call our freephone Customer Care number, 8am-8pm, Mon-Fri: 0800 028 0308, if you would like to talk to someone sooner.
Hope this helps.
Best wishes,
eHarmony Advice
60
Steve
27 August 2010 18:16
Andrew I get around 50 matches a week – of those some view my profile but most dont reply to my guided communications – I assume because they aren’t paying. Either a bunch of cheapskates! or they aren’t seriously looking e.g. waiting to see how it turns out with their ex b/f who they’re on the rebound from? Perhaps it should be compulsory for people who setup a profile on a site like this to subscribe?
61
Dawn
27 August 2010 21:17
Oh dear…I’m guilty of a few of the above!
More so…I’m guilty of being a cheapskate – I’m not a paid member.
However…of the 50 or so ‘matches’ I get each week, only 1 seems interesting enough to persue (I DO read the profiles!!!!) and then I realise he’s 100 miles away! I can’t be arsed to travel that far – I’m pretty tired after working all week! Is that not understandable? And if HE travelled, then I’d be worried that something was expected in return. Is that idea unfounded?
I need to rethink this whole dating site thing. Maybe I’m just not ready to take it seriously.
62
A
30 August 2010 01:20
How easily this thread has moved away from the article!
I think EH is excellent, I’ve met several people (some nice, some disastrous) but it’s best to use it as a conduit for introductions rather than becoming emotionally involved through emails.
Turn-off: Bitterness leading to reading too much into things, over analysing only demonstrates your own issues. Why judge matches harshly with the minimal infomation you have, move on.
63
Noo
30 August 2010 09:34
Interesting debate.
I just think if you are both into each other then everything happens naturally with no need for thinking about it. Sometimes life gets in the way but if you are committed then you can jointly find a way through any problems.
As for this site, I’ve communicated with over 100 guys and have had a handful of replies – which is really disappointing. There don’t seem to be many people in my area and therefore I get lots of matches too far away – I have children and don’t plan on moving so what’s the point in contacting them. I agree the cost is steep which I don’t mind paying for a good service.
I’m just a nice woman who treats people how I’d like to be treated, who doesn’t play mind games and is open and honest in all things – too much to ask? Too much to ask for someone similar in return…
X
64
Kay
30 August 2010 10:04
Steve & Andrew, it’s not just guys that have this problem – I have received upwards of 30 matches, have sent an icebreaker to 10 and not received a single reply, and barely a handful of guys have even bothered to check out my profile. I actually wish they had closed me out, at least then I would have a reason!
I have a plea to the guys out there on this and any other dating website – if you’re in your forties, but want to meet a svelte, beautiful 20-something, first of all WAKE UP! and secondly, specify what you really want in your profile so that those of us who are forty something, intelligent, average looking women don’t have to be matched with you!
65
Jon
31 August 2010 15:40
Cost; spend four quid a week on lottery tickets, you’re already blowing more than this site costs. If I don’t meet anyone, so be it, I’m not going to win the lottery either! But when the matches come up, there might, just might, be someone in there whose smile is going to smile on me for the rest of my life. Or not. You pays your money, you takes your chance. All you’re doing with EH is improving the odds.
66
Steve (manchester)
31 August 2010 16:32
I agree Jon – nothing ventured then nothing gained.
67
andrew
2 September 2010 18:21
re Kay
seems this happens to many
are you anywhere near south yorks flower ?we are around the same age and im not looking for a younger model
nearly fell off my chair in shock today
3 actual views of my profile today
thanks ladies ALEX LISA and KAREN
68
Steve, manchester
2 September 2010 22:18
excellent! things improving for you!
69
Cat
4 September 2010 21:34
Steve re someone closing a match shortly after contacting you, I have to admit I’ve done that. I’ve only ever shut a match in such a short time when they’ve viewed me though. I send the questions/email, I notice they’ve viewed me then if they don’t reply I assume they’re not interested. After all it doesn’t take more than a couple of minutes to answer a few multiple choice questions/send a short email to say they’re interested but have a lot on but will be in touch within say a week.
70
Cat
5 September 2010 11:55
To add to my previous post, I sent an icebreaker yesterday. This morning I checked to see who’s viewed me and the match I sent an icebreaker to has viewed me. I’ll give him a couple of days but after that I’ll assume he’s not interested and close him. My reasoning being if he’s had time to view me he’s had time to at least send an icebreaker back.
71
susan
5 September 2010 17:10
I am shocked to read that EH sends ‘matches’ that are not members! What is the point, and this may explain why my ‘matches’ havnt viewed me or replied to my icebreakers.I too am very disenchanted with EH after a very short time and will not be renewing when my membership expires.It is dishonest and a waste of time.
72
Steve, manchester
6 September 2010 16:49
Cat – they may be interested but haven’t subscribed and it’s worth noting that if they aren’t a subscriber yet then they can not view your pic. So until they subcribe they haven’t seen if you’re their type – closing someone off so quickly will reduce your options because some people setup a profile and fine tune it over a week or 2 then get their credit card out and subscribe.
73
Steve, manchester
6 September 2010 16:51
Cat – I agree with you, it only takes a few minutes to answer questions on here BUT I get quite a few odd moany emails from girls saying they’ve given up on the site because it was too tedious – these same people wouldn’t have that lazy selfish ignorant attitude if a bloke came up to them in a pub and asked a few questions would they? or do they expect to get a boyfriend with little effort?
74
Steve, manchester
6 September 2010 16:54
Susan – all your matches are members but not all are paying subsribers and some are too lazy to respond to the guided communications.
75
Jules
6 September 2010 17:58
Whoa some people on here need to chill out – this kind of thing takes time peeps, what’s the point in closing matches left right and centre just because they don’t reply immediately?? There are little messages around the site saying ‘be patient’ for this very reason!
I’ve been on eharmony about 7 weeks and very happy – over 200 matches so far inc about 40 I am/was communicating with and I’m emailing 2 guys. Surprised to hear so many people have had bad experiences.
As to the people who complain about the ‘guided communication’ system – well why sign up if you don’t like it, did you not read how the site works first? And there is an option to skip the guided communication you know.
I’m just astonished how many whingers there are around!!
76
susan
7 September 2010 12:32
Jules-Sounds like you have had a positive experience but this has not happened to me.Been a member for about 4 weeks, had around 50 matches.I sent 11 icebreakers and got 2 replies.One declined and the other and I exchanged a few emails then he ‘disapeared’I have only received 1 icebreaker and very few of my ‘,matches’ have even viewed me.Also my ‘matches’ mostly have nothing in common with me-personality wise or interests.I think I am wasting my time.
77
Steve, Manchester
8 September 2010 01:34
even when I reach the emailing stage, I some most people are time wasters who have no intention of actually meeting.
78
Cat
8 September 2010 11:59
I think, in some cases, where people disappear it could be because they’ve been emailing several different people at the same time. Then they’ve met up with one whom they’ve wanted to get to know better and therefore disappeared from communication with the others.
79
Steve, manchester
9 September 2010 11:43
you’re probably right Cat or they get bored? I’d say that it’s unwise to commit to someone until you have met them and had a few dates – often emails are good and then you meet and it’s a completely different person!
80
Kay
9 September 2010 17:41
Hey Andrew,
Thanks for your support and your message made me smile! Haven’t logged on in while – so disenchanted. Unfortunately I’m nowhere near South Yorks, but if you’re looking for a pen pal…ha ha! Congrats on getting the viewings of your profile – I’ve had a few but no one wants to contact me – I think I’m scary!
xx
81
Shirley
12 September 2010 15:29
Kay: It is disenchanting. I’m wondering what makes the difference between those who report hundreds of matches and those who just get a few. Because I am in the latter category I haven’t subscribed. I can still see the basic summary and know when someone isn’t going to gel with me.
I have created a profile with broad criteria in terms of age, location and so forth but I haven’t had anyone instigate a conversation with me in over a year. A friend suggested I should be even more easy going about things that are for me non-starters. But this seems to defeat the object of the site finding the right fit.
I know it isn’t, for example, practical to sustain a relationship with someone living over 60 miles away, nor with someone who doesn’t share my core values. My observation is that many men want the woman to be younger than them so I don’t get included in their age sweep. The matches I do get are in general 8 years or so older than me. I persevere with them by entering into conversation hoping to be pleasantly surprised at how youthful they will turn out to be but they don’t reply (this is over the free eH weekends) and I don’t buy into this patience business – why would you take months to get back to someone??? If I get an email from anyone (not just dating related) I reply as soon as I see it, even if just to acknowledge, it is polite – like sending a thank-you note after a party.
82
Cat
12 September 2010 16:23
Steve missed your post (72) previously. Re my post about shutting it this was a match from the end of July, so he’d had time to edit and subscribe. If he hadn’t then it was a waste of time contacting him anyway because he couldn’t of answered. As it happens he shut the match a day later anyway so I’d say it’s safe to say he wasn’t interested lol
.
83
Cat
12 September 2010 16:38
Steve re your post (73) I’m not giving up on this site because it’s too tedious. I may take a break from the site for various reasons but until I meet someone (whether it be here, another site or in real life)I won’t give up on it just because someone doesn’t bother to answer.
84
Steve, Manchester
12 September 2010 19:53
I think there would be a lot of time saved and less confusion if non subscribers weren’t matched with subscribers.
85
kay
13 September 2010 13:45
Hi Shirley,
I hope you get this. I sympathise completely with what you’re saying – friends advise me that I’m being too restrictive, but I’m choosing a potential partner, not a pair of shoes, so I think I’m entitled to be selective! I agree that the guided questionnaire thing is just silly – if you like someone talk to them! Just remember it’s not you!!! – there are so many intelligent, confident women on this site who are not getting anywhere. I’m seriously thinking of giving up on this dating site stuff and just trusting to serendipity. Either that or I’m going to join a cougar site – they may not be relationship material, but at least younger men have energy, to say nothing of firm bodies to hold onto! Good luck Shirley – I hope you find someone worthy of you!
Kayx
86
Steve, manchester
13 September 2010 17:31
I disagree – the guided communication is a great way of finding out critical information about someone – around 10-20 girls have stopped communicating with me after seeing my ‘must haves’ and ‘have nots’ – saving everyone a lot of time and heartache.
87
Steve, manchester
13 September 2010 17:37
think about it – if a bloke is going through guided communications he’s more likely to be looking for something longer term. us blokes only only ask few questions if we’re after a relationship that is casual. the more questions we ask, the more serious we are about a serious relationship. if you just want to skip the guided communications then there is no time investment to get to know you.
88
kay
13 September 2010 18:09
Hi Steve, I take your point, but is there anything wrong with just asking those questions by e-mail? I would certainly respond to someone who did that. Frankly on this site, I would welcome communication from any kind of quarter – this ‘forum’ chat has been the only kind of communication I’ve had since joining!!!
Kay
89
Steve, Manchester
13 September 2010 20:40
not really possible to put those things by email and often you can forget. it’s a longish list of things I don’t like and do like – some are real deal breakers. and as most on here run a mile when they see my list – it’s best the list is exchanged at an early stage to avoid time wasting.
sorry you aren’t having much luck.
90
Diane (Glasgow)
21 September 2010 21:48
Jenny’s comment : All of these points could be equally applied to men lets be clear these are not solely female traits. Flakiness, lack of clarity, and lack of commitment has often been my experience of men. So this article should be headed turn offs for men and women.
YES YES YES 95% of the men Ive dated hence they are ex’s lol
91
Steve, manchester
22 September 2010 10:23
there’s usually an alternative article e.g. ‘top turnoffs for women’ if you look around the site.
92
amy
8 October 2010 03:36
wow…reading all this makes me super paranoid…haha!
im new on this site and i dont know half of the things everyone is speaking about as im still trying to get used to everything and how it all works – i mean the politics is mind boggling (who would have thought “viewing” someone and not getting in touch is deeply offensive as they can track who you are)….i need to figure out how you know someone views etc…
but i’ll tell you something…if someone views and doesnt want to get in touch then i dont see the big deal…if they want to look again, fine…if they want to look fifty times – who cares..and i will do the same to others until i wish to stop
and should i meet up with someone then i’m not going to wrap myself up in some stupid paranoid bubble so the guy will “like me”…..lifes tough enough without that rubbish, we’re human not blinkin barbies
ps. everyone just relax and enjoy the ride
93
Steve, Manchester
10 October 2010 19:11
I agree Amy, just go with the flow and like you say – it isn’t a crime to view someone’s profile and not get in touch. I think it just gets a bit irritating/frustrating when lots of people view and don’t even send an icebreaker – but like your viewpoint I wouldn’t lose sleep over it.
94
JO`
14 November 2010 14:06
i NEED HELP DESPERATLY i;M MARRIED AND MY HUSBAND AND I have not had sex for almost 6 months Is he having an affair?
95
Steve, Manchester
17 November 2010 01:20
erm not enough information there in order for us to answer that question Jo. All I can suggest is you talk to him!
96
Antonia
29 December 2010 12:53
Re The top turnoffs… Dating websites. I never truely understand how it works, but i suppose key element is communication!! and with a bit of time and patience.Its reassuring to read real comments form real people having trouble in finding love most of these websites sell you unrealistic love stories and that is a real “turnoff” I’d like to wish you all good luck and peace in finding joy. Happy New Year!!!
97
skyline
29 December 2010 21:59
Steve your journalistic talent knows no bounds and your knowledge of the do’s and don’ts exudes such confidence that one would believe that you are already in a relationship and not looking for love… your comments are motivational for others one should be on the payroll..
98
Polly
2 January 2011 20:54
OMG, ‘flakiness’ – I probably have the full quota of that: quirky, chaotic, eccentric but also creative, artistic and frankly Bjork without the voice and thankfully the aggression! It’s all a bit sterile this advice and anyway, I ony listen to Steve/Manchester (shame we live so far apart lol).What’s your number?
99
Pauline
4 January 2011 04:31
Wow – what a read! I must say, I agree with Amy (92) and am feeling apprehensive about looking at anyone else’s profile!!
I’m new to eHarmony as well and had problems with my computer for a couple of weeks at the beginning of December so am only just catching up with looking at my matches. I am looking at all of them (260′ish) – not just the photos but the information they have supplied so it’s taking time to get through them. I’m not rude nor do I wish to be seen as such but am now worried about the politics involved!!!
I’d really appreciate some advice here – that’s why I looked at this topic in the first place!!!! Cheers x
100
Ashley
5 January 2011 15:36
Pfff, Pauline I’d say that any match who gets antsy about you not replying within a couple of weeks and closes the match on you isn’t worth it or it wasn’t meant to be. You’re doing your best to catch up now and if they can’t wait then more fool them. Don’t worry about your own actions, you can only ever do your best and no one can ask any more than that!
101
Pauline
6 January 2011 00:45
Thank you Ashley. I’ve managed to catch up and have whittled the matches down to 110 and have just sent about 40 icebreakers. I don’t want to sound desperate by admitting this but my theory is that eHarmony have already matched me with these people so I should at least try to get to know them. What do you think? Do you think this is a top turn off for men LOL?
102
skyline
17 January 2011 00:24
Polly….ever heard of satire….mind you your comments were satiric …
103
Luke
27 January 2011 14:25
I would love for women to communicate better. THey always seem to think we can read their minds, but we can’t as blokes! Tell me directly what you want, tell me directly what’s wrong, and I will happily talk through it and help.
But I really can’t stand women who just hide it away and then take it out on the guy indirectly.
104
fred
30 January 2011 16:51
It seem to me that over analysis of people’s motivations you don’t know (basically putting your view onto their decisions) is where people go wrong. Keep your own house in order and the rest will come, don’t see them as a game to play and manipulate.
105
Jo
7 February 2011 22:51
I agree with giving people a few weeks to answer communications if still nothing and they’ve viewed ur profile get rid dont stress. What I dont understand is how we get so many new matches each day surely not that many people sign up each day?
106
Luke
22 February 2011 11:03
Where are you getting so many matches each day? I’ve had 40 in the last month and a half, 95% of which weren’t even worth pursuing and lots of them were flex matches despite having very very slack settings bar distance and smoking.
I’m lucky to see 1 match a week now if that.
107
Jo
6 May 2011 06:15
Comment 14………!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Typical male rules……… how shallow – pot kettle etc
108
Audrie Howard
15 May 2011 12:25
I really enjoyed the article about what to say on the first phone call…. until it talked about the woman giving ultimatums and the woman being to blame for controlling etc. Just coming from a relationship where I was the one who was controlled and given ultimatums I suggest that the gender references are changed to reflect both genders not just the woman. A VERY SEXIST ARTICLE
109
Jules
24 June 2011 00:00
Well…i am not a paid member and only registered and set up my profile tonight and have been checking out many of these threads to see how people are feeling about the site….i have to say that a lot of these comments have really put me off wanting to pay up!!!
110
What men want on dates | Articlesworkonline.org
21 March 2012 12:56
[...] hard work on a date is one of the top turnoffs for men. Men enjoy feeling masculine but they don’t want to do all the work all night. They want to [...]
111
Grace
31 March 2012 16:24
Im very new to all this, i have enjoyed the information i have gathered,i will conclude that discipline is needed by anyone who is as serious as i am to find someone who is looking to find someone like me to love and share, so help me God.
112
Jerry from Kettering
15 April 2012 12:44
.
Ladies be less distructive.Be prepared to pay your way instead of all the overt meanness. You forget about eqality when it suits.
Blokes stop allowing yourselves to be feminised.
Ladies why are you attracted to men who are already with a lady.Find your own single man.
Men that backbone needs to regrow and disgard lifes nasties.
Ladies you can talk all night to your friends why do you play the mystery card with a bloke.
Come on stop the sexist wars and lets be happy.
113
What men want on dates | Articleshub30.in
8 June 2012 18:46
[...] hard work on a date is one of the top turnoffs for men. Men enjoy feeling masculine but they don’t want to do all the work all night. They want to [...]