24 November 2009
What it means if he doesn’t call
by eHarmony
It’s happened to the best of us – you exchange numbers after a great date, and you never hear from him again. Here are five real reasons why he might not have been in touch.
You thought you had a wonderful evening together, and he says he’d love to see you again – so why hasn’t he called? And why does it happen so often to so many great women? Check out the five most common reasons he won’t call.
1. Honesty is not his forte
The simple fact is that if you meet a man, exchange numbers, text a while and yet he doesn’t actually initiate a meeting, then there’s probably a subtext. It’s possible he’s met someone else in the mean time, for example. The best approach is to invite honesty by saying something like ‘I think we’ve got something good here, are you seeing anyone at the moment?’ If you assume you’ll get the truth by just waiting, you’ll be waiting a long time.
2. He doesn’t want anything serious
If a man just wants a fling and thinks you’re after something more serious than he is, he’ll most likely just move on – and not call you. You can take this two ways; he’s either doing it out of respect for you, or simply to fulfil his selfish needs. But at least if this is the case, you’re probably better off not hearing from him again.
3. He was being nice
Sometimes, at the end of a date, it seems a lot easier to just accept someone’s number than tell them you’re not interested. In an ideal world, we’d all just be honest and say ‘No thanks, I just don’t think there’s a spark’, but this isn’t an ideal world. Just as you’ve probably taken someone’s number to be nice, men do it too.
4. He’s lost interest
Unfortunately, it is entirely possible a man can lose interest in a woman during the course of the first few dates. Maybe he thought you were a little full on, and just didn’t want to get into that kind of relationship. Or maybe you said something like ‘So, you’ll definitely be in touch?’ – the desperation of which can be a real passion killer. Interest is rarely something you can re-instil so it’s best just to chalk it up to experience and move on.
5. He forgot/he lost your number
This is the one reason we all want to believe, and sometimes it just might be true. Unfortunately, if it is there’s not much you can do about it.
It’s not about you
What do all these reasons have in common? They’re about him and not you. The fact that he doesn’t want anything serious, for example, has nothing to do with the kind of woman you are. It’s about what he wants from his relationships. But, by beating yourself up about why he doesn’t call is damaging not only to yourself but also your future relationships.
If you develop this sense of fear around being called by a date, they will pick up on that and may pre-empt you by deciding that this lack of confidence is not something they’re looking for in a woman. Be positive and you will inspire confidence. This isn’t foolproof but it’s far more productive than the alternative.
1
AlBass
12 December 2009 18:13
There’s potentially another reason – that he is interested, but is just as unsure about how to go about making that follow up phone call as you might be.
Making the first move isn’t always as easy as it might seem!
2
Forward
17 January 2010 03:39
Agree, Al. It’s quite a sexist perspective that puts all the risk on the guy. Come to think of it, if you’ve exchanged numbers, I don’t see how there’s “nothing you can do” if he may have lost it. After a decent interval, surely it’s possible to call or text so they have the number again? I’ve lost whole phones before with numbers in and would have been grateful for a call from persons I couldn’t contaact anymore.
3
Pam
11 April 2010 12:15
I went on a first date, thought it went well, swopped numbers, he said he would call but didn’t. I didn’t want to be pushy so I left it and wrote it off. About 2 months later he phoned me and asked why I hadn’t called him as I said I would!
4
Caren
19 April 2010 00:07
Its so hard not knowing the right way to go about it.
If a woman calls first they fear that they could look desperate. Also what to say??
I like Al’s perspective that the Man also has the same fears.
What does it mean when a guy takes your number and txts you hours later to give you his number. Replies to your friendly txts but doesn’t seem to arrange to meet you.
However when I asked him to come to mine at the weekend he responded with “Yasssss I’ll be right over give me 10 mins okay pal x” and he was true to his word.
5
Diane (Glasgow)
23 September 2010 01:39
Eh!!! He aint interested lol
6
Steve, Manchester
7 October 2010 21:57
What it means if he doesn’t call
- he’s just not that into you!
7
Amy
10 October 2010 21:58
I agree with Steve, if he doesnt bother to phone or even text (which takes zero effort) then he is just not that into you….
8
Steve, Manchester
15 October 2010 00:04
he’s either not into you or you’ve done something to offend which from my experience is not make a trip to the bar or – in one instance….
a girl who before we met said we should go for tea and go dutch then when the bill came didn’t go dutch but instead disappeared to the loo for 20+ mins until I had no choice but to pay for the meal, I deleted her number after the date she kept chasing me by text, I ignored her because she’d took the p.
9
julie
15 November 2010 22:04
been talking to a really “full on” guy who was ringing me twice a day and texting (which was a bit stifling) but we arranged to meet, i get a message two days before saying sorry no time for a relationship!!
any ideas why??
10
Steve, Manchester
21 November 2010 18:43
Julie, no point in even trying to work out why just delete the number as he’s established he’s and idiot and a time waster. Internet dating has plenty of time wasters. Possibly he’s married or living with someone or not single in some other way – e.g. he broken up with his ex, joined the site, and then got back with her.
11
eHarmony oldie
3 January 2011 01:49
Julie, I agree with Steve, there’s no point figuring it out. Whatever the reason, it won’t change things. Some people are into the chase or a fantasy relationship. They feed off your interest and get an ego boost. However, when it comes to meeting or progressing the relationship they quickly disappear! These people can be initally quite intense, full on etc. In other cases, people aren’t being malicious but having got carried away, they soon realise they’re not cut out for a (serious) relationship. Put it down to another life lesson, focussing your attention on yourself and those who actually want to date you – not those who don’t. Hope it all goes well for you
12
Ange
13 January 2011 00:19
And they say women are hard to figure out. I had a great date with a bloke who text me the next day to say I was ‘delicious’. I’m still waiting a week later to be asked on a second date? What does a girl have to do to get a second date these days?
13
heartily
30 January 2011 00:53
Do you not just meet people and ask them out?? There’s no such thing as a right person, more of a right time and place for it
14
Jo
7 February 2011 21:53
Ange, could you not ask him out? He may wondering the same thing and at least then you’ll know
15
cogiao
26 March 2011 01:21
I had a wonderful time with this guy on two dates. I would like to see him again, BUT he failed to return my 2 texts. I really wish guys would just learn to be polite. He could just say “Uh uhm, I’ve lost interest” and I’d be ok with that.
16
hannah
23 May 2011 20:57
I had 2 brilliant dates, I got texts and calls in between dates and texts after the 2nd date. Then no response to the last 2 messages I sent. I’m confused… don’t think I will ever understand men!
17
eHarmony oldie
28 May 2011 22:48
cogiao and hannah i’m with you! Manners maketh the man, as the old saying goes.
It’s just plain rude & unkind to ignore someone who took the time, effort and lets face it expense to get to know you and spend time with you.
Ironically half the men who do this have ‘honesty’ and ‘kindness’ listed as what they’re looking for in a partner!
18
Em
2 June 2011 22:36
Well I’ve just been exchanging emails with a guy who seemed great and kept emailing, suggesting we meet up and then although I had pics on my profile he asked for more pics but added ‘not that I’m shallow’ so I sent a couple more and hey presto I hear no more. That made me smile! Fortunately I’m wise enough to know when to let it go!
19
Lynda
10 August 2011 00:31
I am not sure I agree with some people putting themselves in the victim category. I have met several men on this site and have enjoyed one or two dates without any developing into a relationship. I tend to think positive I am going out, enjoying the experience of meeting new people and generally having a good time trying to find a long term partner!.
Should the date fail to respond then it was not meant to be. I think it is best to concentrate on the reasons why you wouldn’t want to be with a man who does not treat you with respect, rather than what you have done wrong, to deserve such treatment.
There are a lot of lovely guys on this site, I remain good friends with one of them.
20
Jo
14 August 2011 11:00
The truth is that if a man is interested in you he will ring/text you etc. We have all been on those dates where we thought it went great and never heard or seen from them again if you look a little deeper and think about it you no the answer already. I no for a fact that if a man likes you he will do anything to see you again even if he has lost your number he wont wait 2 mths and then say why didnt you contact me what a wet weekend!! Dating rules are not that hard you go out you get on or you dont if you dont hear from them then they are just not in to you a text takes no time just to say hello and if they dont do that just shout NEXT !!