eHarmony Advice

Dating as a single parent can be tough – here is some new research that shows what you need to do to protect your children and have a fulfilling dating life.

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A study from 2008 found that nearly 45% of UK marriages are likely to end in divorce. With figures like this stacked against marriage, the chances are that many children will have experienced divorce, and their parents dating again. Unfortunately, while there is a lot of information around about divorce and step-parents, there is little about the in-between stage of dating.  Here are some considerations if you are trying to juggle dating, divorce and your children’s feelings:

Children need to adjust to you dating too

While you will need time to get used to the idea of dating again, your children will too. A 20-year longditudinal study by Dr.Constance Ahrons at the University of Southern California found that children worried about their parents dating. Additionally, Dr Ahrons found that children aged 5-10 were the most possessive of their mothers. Before dating again, divorced parents need to ensure their children know that they are still very important to them, encourage them to maintain a close relationship with their ex-spouse and prepare them for the possibility that there will be new people in their lives.

Older children will see your dating as an example

If your teenaged children are entering the world of dating as you are, then they will use the way you behave as a model for their own actions. Research has shown that single parents’ attitudes to sex influence their teenage childrens’ attitudes. More specifically, teenage sons are directly influenced by their mother’s dating behaviours, and teenage daughters are indirectly influenced by their attitudes toward sex.

Think carefully before making introductions

It’s recommended that any relationship should be serious before you introduce your partner to your children. This allows them time to get used to the idea of you dating someone, and the slower pace allows you to continue to be a great parent. When they do meet your partner, do it somewhere neutral and don’t go overboard on the introductions. If you tell your children this person is the love of your life then they will expect them to be around for a long time.

Be sensitive

Remember that children may view your new partner as the reason you got divorced in the first place, making it especially important that you introduce them slowly and sensitively. Also bear in mind that children often have a harder time accepting their father’s new relationships than their mother’s.

Resources:
Gingerbread – an organisation for single parents: http://www.gingerbread.org.uk/portal/page/portal/Website
Divorce Aid – http://www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Research:
Anderson, E, et al (2004). Ready to take a chance again: Transitions into dating among divorced parents. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 40, 61- 75.

Whitbeck, L.B., Simons, R.L., &Kao, M.Y. (1994). The effects of divorced mothers’ dating behaviors and sexual attitudes on the sexual attitudes and behaviors of their adolescent children.  Journal of Marriage and the Family, 56, 615-621.

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