9 December 2009
Is dating a friend a good idea?
by eHarmony
You know them intimately and get on with them brilliantly. But does that mean you should date your friend?
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A good friend should have many of the qualities you look for in a potential partner. They should be loyal, understanding and share the same interests as you – all great grounds for a successful relationship.
But while friends dating might sound like the perfect answer, we all know it can be fraught with problems. So, how do you know if it’s worth the risk?
Consider the consequences
Are you prepared to lose your friendship over this relationship? The bonus of friends dating is that you are already comfortable with each other so will bypass the customary awkward stage that most couples endure. You also know you both care for each other.
But, do you really think it will last? Consider your motives – are your feelings merely physical or are they more deep-rooted? It’s not worth risking a friendship over something that won’t last.
Look for hints
Read the signs to see if the feeling is mutual. If they are dropping hints verbally or physically then dating your friend will be a natural progression. But if they keep referring to you as like a sibling to them or talking about other people they are attracted to, you should hold back. They clearly don’t share your feelings.
Think about the future
Both of you should have the same expectations. If one of you thinks the relationship will be more serious than the other, problems will arise.
Casual dating is probably not worth the risk. It’s for a couple to gauge whether they have a connection and find out whether they share interests and ideals. As friends, you already know all this so if you want a relationship you need to be sure the reasons are right.
Take the progression seriously
Make a conscious effort with your new partner and treat them like a girlfriend or boyfriend, not just a friend. Plan a proper date and make it clear the relationship has changed. If not, it’ll be hard to think of each other as anything other than friends.
What happens if it doesn’t work out?
If you’ve taken the plunge and things don’t go as planned, it’s very unlikely that your relationship will go back to what it was before. However, that might not be a bad thing. You may feel comforted by the fact that you tried and are better off as friends. The best way to avoid post-breakup awkwardness is to be totally honest with each other about the implications of the relationship not working before you get involved.
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Jacqui Livesey
15 January 2010 22:09
Never date or marry a friend! In my experience it really does not work. At first you have a lot in common but as the years move on there is something missing. Cannot say what if I knew I would be happily married now. I married a friend! Perhaps with friends we compromise. We allow our differences. With a mate,lover we mould and grow together. With a friend its an acceptance.
2
ade
16 January 2010 13:33
in my experience it dont doesnt work 2 date a friend,one of the reason being that one is given more than the other in term of the relationship and bcos u know other already u accept each other which in my case its not fair.
3
ladylady
28 January 2010 02:23
Your article offer wonderful tips. It’s better never to date a friend
4
TianZhen
17 February 2010 22:05
I got involved with a good friend recently. He admitted before we slept together that he’s really attracted to me but I knew he broke up with someone not too long ago cos he didn’t want a serious relationship to concentrate on his studies. Nothing has changed since then, and I’m trying to stay friends with him (he’s doing the same) but it’s not easy knowing that he fancies me (and I the same). Wondering if it’s easier to think he’s lying and believe he’s just after casual sex after all and forget about the friendship..
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jane
16 March 2010 14:45
I allowed myself to get involved with a good friend (prefferable for casual sex) but i made it clear before and after that it was better for us to stay as friends than anything else.however we dont talk anymore…. so was i wrong to say that??? (tian zen) probably your friends likes you for different reasons. if you say he was in a relationship before, then maybe he’s looking for a fix up! its always good to make things clear by communicating with him….
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Scott
21 July 2010 06:20
I’ve had problems with a friend. At first she was just a friend and i introduced her to a mate of mine. When he dropped her (and i personally think he treated her very badly, and consequently i no longer have any time o r respect for the guy) i picked up the pieces with her. As a result we became really close and i found myself falling for her. We discussed it and she made it clear that we were just to be friends. But my feelings wouldnt budge and there have been some evenings when iv gotten in after work (i work in a pub and as a result i see virtually everyone in the area regularly) and completely broken down because of her. Kinda feel like i need help but dont know what kind of help, or what questions to ask.
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Amy Gaskin
10 October 2010 19:29
I had a bad experience with dating a friend. We were good friends for some time, we had mutual friends and we would get togever often.Over acouple of months we started to get closer, he hinted that he would like us to try and be more than just friends. We became more and more affectionate, kissing, holding hands, cuddeling but never anything more than that.After seeming so keen and genuine he suddenly became distant, making excuses not to meet up and generally messing me around.I confronted him over this and he just started saying he wasnt in that place,thought I was amazing and deserved much better.I was confused and hurt by the sudden change but tried to maintain some contact as I knew he was having afew personal problems at the time and I still cared.I havent spoken to him for several months now, he is now in a serious relationship and I just feel I couldnt care less if I never saw him again. The friendship we had feels meaningless.
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Steve, Manchester
17 October 2010 12:26
You did nothing wrong Amy and I really think he let you down big time.
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Amy Gaskin
17 October 2010 15:52
Thanks Steve,I can accept he changed his mind but he should have atleast explained that to me face to face. Thats just not how you should treat anyone let alone a close friend.I do feel let down by him.
10
john jusko
22 April 2011 05:49
Dating a friend may work and then may just die out like relationships sometimes do,and unless there are more than a dozen commonalities then it will crash and burn out.
I learned this the hard way after dating a lady who had issues with men and her ex husband was the constant boring thing she too often talked about.