7 January 2010
8 things you need to know about dating older women
by eHarmony
‘Like fine wine, women get better with age’ is the old saying, but if you’re thinking about finding love with an older woman, here’s what you need to know.
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It’s not just celebrities like Madonna and Sadie Frost who know the merits of dating a younger man. Relationships that cross generations are no longer a social taboo and are springing up all over the place. But what can a man expect if they find love with an older woman? These are the eight realities that you need to know.
1. Children
We all know that the older she gets, the less likely her chances are of conceiving. If you find love with an older woman and want children in the future, don’t dismiss the problem. You need to be realistic about the prospects of success and think about options like IVF treatment and adoption. If you haven’t considered children yet, be aware that it’s probably on her mind and will place extra pressure on the relationship.
Equally, there’s a big chance that she will already have children of her own. A potential new partner has to be aware that she comes as part of a package. While the prospect of a ready-made family can have its appeal, it’s important that you are realistic about how it will affect your life. Children will obviously restrict spontaneity and add new responsibilities. Sometimes you will find you are not her main priority. This doesn’t have to be an issue but it is vital that before you find love, you know what’s ahead and are sure it’s a future you want.
2. Sex
The good news is that women peak sexually later in life than men, so you could be in perfect sync. But, if you are used to younger, less experienced women, you might be in for a surprise. Be prepared for her to tell you exactly what she wants and how she wants it. You may have to relinquish some control but that could be a good thing.
3. Strength of will
If she’s got a few relationships under her belt and has experienced some tricky times, she probably won’t want a man who tells her what to do. So, if you like to make demands and expect them to be followed, expect a challenge. But if you’re looking for someone that says what she thinks and collaborates in the decision-making process, then she could be the one for you.
4. Social references
To you, Bob Geldof is Peaches’ dad; to her he’s the long-locked lead singer of The Boomtown Rats. While differences can be amusing – ‘When I landed my first job, you were still at school!’ – people use these references from the past to express themselves in the present, so if you’re just not getting it, it can be very annoying for both of you.
5. Money
There are various scenarios here. An older woman who has never had children could be at the peak of her career so be prepared for potential ego damage if you end up contributing much less. Equally, if she’s been concentrating on raising a family and has been out of the work place for some time, she is unlikely to have a solid source of income. If you are ready to make a financial, as well as emotional, commitment, this shouldn’t be a problem, but be realistic about how this will affect your future and responsibilities.
6. Health
Obviously, the older someone gets, the more likely she will fall ill so bear in mind how this will impact your role as her partner. Also, if she is between 45 and 55, she could be approaching menopause which can play havoc with the emotions – bringing depression, anxiety and memory problems, among other symptoms. Again, be prepared for what the future might hold.
7. A fling
Be aware that not every older woman is longing for a long-term relationship. She could just be looking for a fling and a seemingly carefree younger man would fit perfectly into her life. So, if you’re after something more, then this woman might not be for you. But if you’re looking for something more casual, she could be perfect. Either way, it’s best to establish what you want before you get involved.
8. She’s knows your game
Watch out – if she’s had a number of relationships in the past, she’ll be wise to your tricks. She’s heard all the lines and will be able to see through your behaviour. So you won’t be able to get away with being anything other than genuine. If your intentions are good, however, this won’t be a problem. She’ll appreciate you for who you are.
> Read more: 8 things you need to know about dating older men
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1
Cheryl Wilkinson
14 March 2010 22:46
I usually really like the tips and notes on e-harmony but I’ve got to disagree very strongly with the first point of this article. I speak from the point of view of a 40+ woman. Re: children – the assumption is that either older women want children or have children – I dont have children and dont want children – women are not controlled by their biology – motherhood is not the driving force for all women.
2
Angelique
27 March 2010 14:20
this really is a patronizing load of rubbish
3
Nerac
11 April 2010 11:54
I have to agree with the above two. It is completely and utterly patronising. We may be desperate to have kids, may be in the rages of menopausal furies, may just want a fling?
You clearly know very little about us 40 something women.
Like Cheryl, I have never had children and never particularly had the urge, so please don’t make such sweeping statements about us.
The only one that has any ring of truth is 8 – and we know your game, trust us.
4
Molly
15 April 2010 09:05
What a load of bull! You talk about older woman as if they are aliens and presume that men are thick!
Perhaps you could concentrate on matching people correctley rather then sending people that should only be matched with Mars inhabitants!
5
Amber
21 April 2010 18:55
I have to agree with all the above comments, this advice made we laugh out loud. What woman at any age wants a man telling her what to do! And to be used by men purely for casual flings I dont think so. May have too much money or not enough, I must say this is not age exclusive.
6
SW
2 May 2010 11:17
I was browsing your site as I am considering joining – but this article has deterred me. memory problems and health warnings on women over 45? where is the article about dating older men – or is it only women between 45 and 55 who fall ill in the strange world of the author of this article?
7
Gale
5 May 2010 14:23
Who on earth wrote this rubbish? It must have been a man. You make women sound like freaks of nature – particularly in your comments about menopause.
8
Jessica
8 May 2010 10:53
I’m in my late twenties and have decided I don’t want to have kids. This seems VERY difficult for a lot of people to believe! I’m sick of being seen as ‘the potential mother of my children’. I am very much looking forward to hitting my 30s, 40s and 50s but have no idea how I am going to deal with attitudes like this when I can barely cope with the comments now. Perhaps by the time I’m 45 I’ll be chloroformed and have IVF forced upon me (which incidentally, is how the first recorded artificial insemination took place)
9
Juliet
9 May 2010 22:06
HRT!!!!! Women aged between 45 and 55 are often very vibrant, sexy and love the freedom that comes with confidence of life experiences. Depression, anxiety and memory loss? Thanks for your support!
10
Jan
10 May 2010 22:41
Sorry to the ones that have commented on this article, but with some experience dating older women it’s not far off the mark. It’s not a criticism of women of an age, just advice on women older than the man. A couple have attempted to pressure me for kids just because they’ve waited too long and you’ve all gotten hung up on the first point about kids and ignored the rest of it.
Just because you feel this doesn’t apply to you, doesn’t make it patronising. There’s plenty of criticism of men on here in all their guises too and if you don’t like how some other women behave, for whatever reason, tough, you’ll just have to wear it along with the rest of humanity.
11
Helen
11 May 2010 11:14
The money bit made me howl, I am sadly the woman who is pathologically attracted to the ‘wrong’ type. When it comes to money it’s by no means the women who are the gold diggers, I have met plenty of men on these sites who are unable to cope financially (usually because of an addiction of one sort or another) I always feel deeply offended when women are referred to as gold diggers. If I had pursued some of the relationships I’ve had I would be in the gutter along with my son, however I did see the light eventually and steer clear.
12
JM
16 May 2010 05:08
Would like to agree with many women above that not all of us ever wanted children nor ever do and add that I prefer slightly younger men for their energy but need said men to know for sure that they either do or don’t ever want children. I’m keen on finding a life long love and it would hurt like the dickens if a couple of years in, he decided he did want children when previously he didn’t. Gentlemen, please spare a sincere woman the pain of losing you when all you had to do was seriously consider your desires in the first place.
13
SAJ
18 May 2010 10:32
I beg to differ with the comments above! As a 52 year old woman dating a 39 year old man, I believe the points in the article are valid. Some older women might be on the lookout for a ’sperm donor’and anyone who is already a decent mother will do their best to balance the needs of their children with those of a new partner. The hints about menopause were certainly worth giving but ‘night sweats’ and ‘hot flushes’ were not mentioned. My boyfriend loves them – especially in the winter!!!
14
J
25 May 2010 16:20
As a 40 something female who doesn’t want children I would like to concur with the comments above, but I especially liked SAJ’s comments, they made me laugh out loud. I think, given half a chance, I am a cougar in the making and that’s probably the nicest nickname that’s been handed out to older women in quite a while. But, I have to say that the health points are valid. There’s no denying that women do go through this phase in life, it’s just that we have more tools to deal with it than before. I’m looking forward to finding myself a nice, healthy and energetic young man. One question though, at 43, how young is too young? 5 years younger? 10 years younger? There is a very nice chap I work with but he’s 13 years younger than me, is that too much?
15
J
25 May 2010 16:22
Whoo hoo. Cougars Rock!
16
J
25 May 2010 16:23
One further question how young is too young? At 43 is 30 too much of an age gap!?
17
Isa
31 May 2010 15:02
I am a 38 years old woman and I found it odd when I joined eharmony that many of my matches were 10 years older than me but none more than 3 years younger. This fact and this article, seem to indicate a gender bias in eharmony, which I am not happy with.
I vote for this article to be excluded from the site unless one is added about the risks of dating older man. The article is really gender biased, patronising and chauvinistic. Please stop reinforcing machist stereotypes if you do not whish to alienate your women costumers. As our comments clearly demonstrate – we do not like it.
18
Rachel
1 June 2010 10:15
As a 54 year old woman, I think this article is pretty spot on. OK, so when you take all the points together, it sounds a bit cliche, but there are some valid ideas…I certainly agree with point 8 – us older women know your game younger men!!!
Also, Isa, you might want to look here: http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/dating/2010/01/8-things-you-need-to-know-about-dating-older-men
19
sarah
11 July 2010 01:06
I am 63 and have not been seriously hit on by a man my age or older since I was 28. I took a long break from the whole sex thing, and even thought of never going back to it. Recently I thought of going back. Now I am being hit on by a gorgeous, much younger (so much younger I am afraid to ask) man. I don’t have money, so it’s not that. I think it may be that I totally ignored him for the first five months I knew him.Or have I got a light bulb over my head? What is it? Maybe it is that I never had kids & was never much of a housewife during my ten year marriage, and maybe it is that. I have been kind of a hippie, punk, raver, etc. I straighten up and get myself under control, and then somehow the children drag me into corruption no matter how well I try to behave. I do not hate myself even one little bit and often believe God likes me best.
20
marie
28 August 2010 14:04
@Isa – agree entirely! I’d say 90% of the matches I’ve had have been older than me – and significantly so, in some cases – and of the remaining 10% none have been more than three/four years younger max. That may of course be because most men are only interested in younger women – in eHarmony’s defence, the software can only match what’s matchable.
I also find bits of this post simplistic and somewhat insulting, but hey – it’s sparked a good debate!