12 January 2010
Big question: How much should you change for a partner?
by eHarmony
Join this month's big dating debate...
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This month join the debate on: ‘‘How much should you change for a partner?’.
One of our posters recently cited the 80/20 rule – if you”re happy 80% of the time, be prepared to change 20% of the time. Do you agree? Or does this compromise who you are? We want to know how much you’re willing to change for a partner. Maybe you’ve changed in the past for someone and then lived to regret it, or maybe you stuck to your principles and thought it was the best decision ever.
Join the debate below!
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1
Aida
15 January 2010 11:17
Depends in what needs to be changed.. some issues can be over looked and changed for a better future.. we even do that at work for better productivity.. However if we are talking about changing your beliefs and desires in life for someone else then nah.. your either take it as it is or leave it..
2
Rob
15 January 2010 11:45
Generally speaking you should either accept your other half for what they are or not at all.
3
jean warwick
15 January 2010 12:07
you do not cover widows and widowers which is very difficult,from experience i know that you are compared and that you would not be there if the other person was alive not many have moved on and you are remined of days gone by i am a widow but prepared to live a new life but men are not
4
Nick
15 January 2010 12:44
In my opinion, in a relationship you should accept your partner for who they are, if there are small parts of their personality which perhaps for example, annoy you, then you may be able to work around it. ^_^
5
Garry
15 January 2010 15:08
What are you supposed to change? The person they first met is the one they were attracted to. If you start changing just to suit them then you are not being true to yourself. You will become unhappy with the situation and that will show in things you do. Conversely should you try to change someone, their clothes the way they see the world etc. The quick answer is no, and you should ask yourself why you need to make them into somebody else.
6
Elizabeth
15 January 2010 22:41
I agree that it depends what needs to change. If you are being asked (or feel the need) to change your values and beliefs then approach with care as they are what makes up yourself.
However, the further aspect is how much are you being asked/feel the need to change? If you feel that you need to change your values/beliefs 100% then I would say that is unacceptable. But everybody’s values and beliefs become modified by circumstances and greater understanding as they go through life and it might be that you can modify a belief a small amount in order to compromise with your partner. Also easier if the partner is also modifying their views too – compromise is give and take, not abject surrender by one person.
It may be more acceptable to change an aspect of your behaviour or lifestyle 100%. For example if you smoke but are dating somebody who becomes worried about the health risks you might be prepared to consider the risks to yourself and give it up.
And I would say that changing a part of your behaviour in response to a partner is inevitable and necessary – again, there should be give and take on both sides not just one person making all the changes.
Essay over
7
Mike
16 January 2010 14:22
I agree with Elizabeth. There are aspects of my personality that I wouldn’t mind changing and others that I have no intention of changing. I would expect my partner to be in the same boat.
Mike
8
corrie ward
17 January 2010 19:11
Changing a person has been tried. Wev`e all tried it and it does not work,especially after many years.
If we love a person I guess we should be willing. Having said that, small things are possible, for example, in a loving supportive way we canencourage a partner to be more hygienic meaning they wash more often.This from experience. Noone wants to cuddle a smelly partner, but it takes diplomacy and kindness to make it work. Smoking is another no no for me. But, I would be willing to get to know a guy seriously if we could come to an agreementand as in my profile I am willing to chance that the man would understand and cut down!
So, someone is going to challenge me and say that`s changing a man!!!
Well, is it?
Corrie
9
Patricia
19 January 2010 08:20
I think that women are more likely to make an effort to change but men seem to have the attitude of what you see is what you get. Also the obvious comment is that we knew what they were like when we got together etc,… If women understood and didn’t expect their man to change for their sake then relationships would last a bit longer in my opinion. It’s a matter of balance, do we love them enough to let them be themselves or do we love an idea of a couple and encourage them to make adjustments? Second time around and I will choose someone that does not need changing but I will also make more of an effort to change towards my partner’s ideal woman. It’s worth it for the right man.
10
Bigsy
25 January 2010 17:09
weldone Patricia i strongly agree with ya, well i recently broke up with my partner, or should i say she broke up with me because i didn’t change some things about myself and also that she doesn’t trust me, i have tried to smile often, compliment her,to talk more,to say thank you ‘you welcome’ more,clean the house, and to be as honest as i could be but all these changes were not enough to her, i feel lost, i feel very bad ’cause, we have a pretty boy (10m) together and she is about 3 months pregnant and i’m not there to help her ’cause she kicked me out of her house and she’s all there by herself i think…, first i thought it was hormones but then i realised that she hates me, i just don’t know how much or how far can a person change….
11
bob
14 March 2010 17:02
You can only expect them to change the things they want to change or things they except are right to change, anything else is not going to work.
Otherwise except their traits or look elsewhere.
No one is 100% perfect – not even me
12
Siguta
14 March 2010 22:12
What you see is what you get,woman or man, you can’t change who you are.
13
tor
19 April 2010 09:38
It’s about some compromise up to a point, respect and tolerance. If you’ve been single a while then this should be even more pertinent, as you’ve built a life on your own. You have to make room for someone else and their emotions and learn to be selfless. A man and woman should mould together…it shouldn’t be hard work.