2 February 2010
Five things you should NEVER say on a first date
by eHarmony
Nerves sometimes get the better of us all on a first date, and we say things we regret as soon as we leave the restaurant. Conversation on a date is key, but saying some of these things will have you relegated to the ‘never see again’ pile.
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The way you communicate on a first date is very important; it lets your date know about you and vice versa, and it shows you if that essential ‘spark’ is there. But there are some subjects that should never be touched on during those first tentative weeks, especially not on a first date.
Want to get to date number two? Then you’ll want to avoid these…
1. When are you planning on walking down the aisle?
Light and airy should be the tone of a first date. Conversation surrounding similar interests, jobs and musical tastes is perfect – asking about your date’s life plans is not. Keep in mind that that you are pretty much strangers, and questions like ‘What kind of wedding do you want?’ could be classed as rude or straight up scary. This applies whether you see yourself in the wedding photos or not. If you really want to know if your date is looking for a long-term relationship, look at their lifestyle, career and living arrangements which should give you good clues as to where they are in their lives.
2. You’re how old?
Your date may have the odd grey hair or wrinkle (amount depending on the age range you’re dating in of course), but unless you genuinely think they’ve lied about their age, this is just plain rude. If you have the urge to ask, yet you’re having a good time with your date, ask yourself, ‘Why does it matter?’
3. Do you have any kinky secrets?
However well you’re getting on, however much you think the sexual tension is crackling between you, refrain from asking about your date’s bedroom antics. Even said as a joke, you’re asking about someone’s most intimate desires, and they may not feel that comfortable with you. At best you’ll seem a bit crass, at worst you’ll sound perverted…You’re not playing drinking games with old university mates this evening.
4. Can you lend me some cash?
As we mentioned above, your date is a virtual stranger, so borrowing money off them is an absolute no-no. Even if you have the best of intentions and hope to see them again, they don’t know that. And ultimately, it gives the impression you can’t look after yourself, which is not an attractive quality. They’re also likely to think that the reason you asked them on the date was to get a free meal or drinks.
5. You’re the man/woman of my dreams!
We all go on dates with the hope that they might lead to something more, and if it’s an especially good date, you might even have a good feeling about the future. However, this is not the time to voice this thought. Hopefully, your date is having similar positive thoughts about you, but most people take longer than a few hours to process this information. Bite your tongue on this one, whatever signals you’re getting.
1
Sara
8 February 2010 12:50
I’d like to add, moaning about previous relationships – a MASSIVE turnoff and should be avoided. Especially if you’ve had a nasty divorce or breakup!
2
Michelle
8 February 2010 20:18
I can second Sara on that, I went on a date only last night, for the guy to tell me his ex beat him, and he was so depressing, really very sad. So much so, I told him that nothing was going to become of it..
3
Kev
8 February 2010 20:42
What about what you should say?
If you enjoy the time together and want to repeat it then you should tell your date but not put any pressure on when it is to be. Just tell them that you really enjoyed it, it was a lovely time and you really hope ‘we’ can do it again soon: but,no pressure on the other person. Let them reflect on what youve said.
4
adam
8 February 2010 21:15
Wise words, Sara
5
Emma
8 February 2010 21:28
I would reiterate the advice about not asking about kinky secrets ….if you are genuinely looking for a serious long lasting relationship, talk of sex or even anything slightly sexual can be a big turn off….. it gives the impression that the reason you wated the date was to jump into bed….really not great on the first date.
6
ROBERT COOKSEY
8 February 2010 22:09
Iwould like to add, some people do moan about previous relations,THIS IS A MASSIVE TURNOFF AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED.IF YOU HAD A NASTY DIVORCE OR BREAKUP!
7
johnchapman
9 February 2010 00:16
Very valuable advice, of course, at my age I would hope to have more wisdom.
But yes it is good advice .
8
bob
9 February 2010 00:46
For boys
Don’t mention you model railway in the loft!
For girls
Don’t mention your shoe collection!
For anyone
Don’t mention your ex
9
Stephanie
9 February 2010 00:50
Sara – agreed!!!
or generally being mr passave agressive or mr moaner/winger… complaining about anything and everything! crickey, get me out of that one quick!
10
piere
9 February 2010 01:12
all these are things i said to my ex girl friend on the first date and we were together for 5years until she died in iraq bomb 2year ago mean love is not fixed science
11
Mike
9 February 2010 08:45
Not totally relevant as it’s not about what to say, or not say, but my one piece of advice would be to make sure you choose somewhere where you /can/ have a conversation. I made the mistake recently of taking a young lady to Jimmy Spices in the centre of Brum on a Friday night and it was so noisy we were shouting at each other from a foot away and still not really hearing each other. Needless to say, that date went nowhere.
Mike
12
Louise
9 February 2010 12:14
OK each to their own. Personally I love hearing the messy break up stories. Especially the one’s where the behaviour of either party is so outrageous you can only laugh about it now.
Maybe that says something about me, but hey, that’s who I am. So if the guy I’m with is too self conscious, shy, (read too many of these articles) that he can no longer be himself….warts and all then he isn’t the guy for me.
If he’s got the psycho ex girlfreind/wife then I want to know NOW!!!! whilst I can still make a choice about whether I want to get involved with him (or her come to that).
I much prefer open honest people who have very little to hide than people who have closets full of skeletons waiting to be let out at a future date when ‘we know each other better’.
I’m not saying it should be the first thing that pops into the conversation, but I don’t think it should be omitted out of fear of not getting a second date either if it’s relevant.
13
kerry
10 February 2010 17:57
yes, i agree with sara. also men who go on about money and what they have is a massive turn off,but nobody likes a tightwad either.
14
Adele
10 February 2010 22:22
I totally agree with Louise.- I’d want to know about the messy break-up…what she did… what he did…how it got dealt with… and i’d want to open up about myself too and the nutters i’ve encountered… some of it is quite funny! I also think that if a single or a few negative words about ex’es are supposed to put a person off, then maybe they weren’t really that into you in the first place… if they really like you and really want to be with you… a few bed stories about your ex won’t put them off. But then saying that I’d want to know if his psycho or scitzo ex is still lurking around because i wouldnt want to be around if she’s hiding somewhere!!
15
Jonno
11 February 2010 03:33
I’m with you Louise (if you’ll pardon the expression). I’d rather have an honest approach and feel that the other person has nothing to hide. Small talk is for small minds.
16
Jane
13 February 2010 00:47
I agree with Mike I have had dates in the past and it is really difficult to talk over a music system, or have a conversation inthe cinema. If you want to enjoy good company and great convesation I would not pick any of the above.
17
russell
13 February 2010 12:06
I would say dat its a two way thing,a little openness,truthfulness and being straightforword is not bad,but if you have to talk about past relationships,one should be very discreet,positive and matured. Again i quite agree with Sara,the best way to really get a good result and truthful answers from people is not by asking a direct question….
18
Nic
14 February 2010 01:18
Adele re comment 10 feb 2010 I found the part of your comment in which you referred to an ex-partner as ‘psycho’/’scitzo’ very offensive. We all get sick being bomabarded with what is and isn’t politically correct but in this instance you are way out of order using these terms. Obviously you have no clue about mental illness. I suffer from a mental health problem and I can assure you it is no fun. By using terms like you have this only adds to the stigma of mental illness. You are a very ignorant woman and if I were a guy I wouldn’t want involved with someone like you.
19
Dee
14 February 2010 18:58
I also totally agreed with Louise, Adele and Jonno also Kerry, I have to be me and would want the guy to be himself, no skeletons in the cupboard, let’s move on with foresight through experience.
20
Forward
15 February 2010 01:46
I’m in the Louise camp, especially with a long distance match with whom you’ve had extensive email, chat, voice and video (skype) contact. I find prior relationships extremely relevant and instructive and am happy to reciprocate. The ability to be honest, articulate and verbally intimate (including about one’s deepest desires) is so fundamental to me that a date who ’stuck with the script’ wouldn’t hear from me again.
21
Donna
15 February 2010 06:37
Very good comments. A person can abide by most all of them
22
Alrick
21 February 2010 22:35
I think that it is important to have the space to be open and real….the film hitch was a good film many people could relate too…. the bottom line was about keeping it real but being sesitive to each other’s feelings…going with the flow and no painting any falsh pictures. Muturity plays a big part here , all the cards being placed on the the table. When a person reaches a certain point in their life it doesn’t take too long before being able asess whether or not this is going to work. The more open a person is the easier it is to come to a decision about future dates…
23
Caitlin
24 February 2010 20:07
I would really love a relationship with someone i would like to go on “Take me out” the show on tv.I think i would like to go on a date with Alrick he sounds like a nice guy.
24
Nadia
26 February 2010 01:23
Whilst most people would prefer to hear and learn about the person’s current life and future thoughts/plans, as opposed to the life with the ex, I equally think that it’s not necessarily the end of the world if it is discussed. Those stories provide an insight into how the person may treat you one day and their character. Additionally, our past, good or bad, makes us all who we are today — nothing wrong with being yourself and feeling comfortable enough to share. Obviously, there is the risk of ‘too much info’, so approach with caution.
25
Shirley
27 February 2010 13:01
I think the advice from Bob about shoe/model train collection is very pertinent. In the past I’ve had dates with gents who variously spent half an hour explaining how you strip the engine of a jeep, about the excitement of the stamp collection which began when Aunty Nora sent a postcard back from Beruit in 1973 and now takes over a room in the house and how to stuff a marlin – following a good fishing trip which led to a taxidermy course!
However for my sake maybe it was just as well these things were mentioned at such length straight off. I was at least able to extracate myself.
On a separate note I know I am guilty of interviewing men on a date. I’ve trained as a journalist and I keep forgetting to leave the job at the door. I don’t shine a light in their eyes and demand answers but I do take perhaps an overly strong lead which perhaps is off-putting. However I’ve read that people like you to take an interest in them – so it can’t be all bad.
26
Michael
3 March 2010 00:31
At the end of the day…just be yourself – but I would say that FIRST IMPRESSIONS are extremely important. All men & women are different & it’s not easy to find your match !!! If it was, we wouldn’t all be on here !!!
Happy hunting to you all….
27
Tom
3 March 2010 23:21
So, let me get this straight: be yourself, be natural, but make sure you follow these exact rules and don’t be yourself.
28
Lynn
14 March 2010 20:17
Love the last comment by Tom – my thoughts exactly…v funny
29
Anna
13 April 2010 13:27
Dating is tough-especially as we get older. Being yourself is important because if you’re not you will soon get found out!! It’s important to be honest but maybe avoid sensitive subject areas until you know each other a little better. It’s cliche but you never get a second chance to make a first impression!!
30
Mike
24 April 2010 20:49
When I actually get a date from this site will work out what to say
I will probably be so shocked I will be speechless !!!
31
jade
25 April 2010 22:08
people, let everyone run their dates the way they see fit-
some relationships get deeper in one night whilst others will take 10 dates to grow deep-
32
Lawrence
27 April 2010 09:53
Have read these words of wisdom and can gather that the best thing to do is to put all your woes on the table ie:- your wooden leg .. false teeth.. wigs etc be up front. Frighten everyone away and then live alone …. Nooooooo surely one can forget all the dirty washing and start afresh … isn’t this what it is all about or do we like to hear the gory details ?????
33
Mike
27 April 2010 18:27
Sorry I would rather know the dirty washing, a mate tried setting me up with a colleague , all I got told was she was 35 slim and attractive …..I was given her email and we exchanged a few , it was email 3 from her that revealed she was a heavy smoker, recovering alcoholic and was partially sighted……No need to go into past relationships etc, but some things need knowing about as may waste both persons time.
34
Karen
30 April 2010 23:22
Honesty is deffinately the best policy! I would have to lay all my cards on the table on the first date, I have so much bagage I have trouble getting on flights! If a potential partner doesn’t like that, I don’t mind, it’s better for both to find out straight away so I can find someone who doesn’t mind my experiences! Hey, life’s for sharing, good and bad!
35
David
4 May 2010 00:28
So from the above mails I realise that you should not say the following:
1 – I used to come here all the time with my ex…
2 – I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
3 – Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. (1 for the ladies).
Easy…
36
Hayley
5 May 2010 14:29
On the subject of the dirty laundry…some history is inevitable. You will always have some of the history coming out, it is what makes us who we are, and how we act. But we don’t need all the gory details straight off!! After we have got to know each other, then, maybe, we can explore a little deeper into each others personalites and why we are who we are
37
James
6 May 2010 23:34
To comment on all the above,in my experience of dating is that we are all individuals and have a past and a future.
Be relaxed,open and honest,if the chemistry works it works
Love like life is a lottery and not all within it is perfect.
38
Graham
7 May 2010 22:36
Getting the date in the first place is the hard bit.I,ve paid £39.95 to view the cast of Dawn of the Dead.
39
Drew
8 May 2010 16:01
I agree with you Graham. I dread to think what the ladies with no profile pictures look like (a large proportion of my mathches). I think it should be compulsary to include at least two photos, otherwise it’s ‘archive pile’. Call me superficial, but I would very much like to know what my potential date looks like.
Anyhow, back to the subject in hand one of the biggest turn offs for me on a date is a girl who says ‘I don’t know’ in answer to every question you ask. For heaven’s sake think of something to say! Even if you don’t know, have a think, weigh up what you know about the subject and give me at least a couple of sentences in response.
40
lizzy
10 May 2010 22:55
DATERS BEWARE!!! I really must mention this as very important having had various different experiences of this type of dating have noticed a certain amount of men pretending to be single when really married and can be quite cunning and devious in their lies to trick unsuspecting single women. They are well experienced in the art of deceiving women. This type of behaviour spoils this for honest single men and can be extremely hurtful and damaging to all concerned when the truth comes out, which it invariably does. Check them out thoroughly before committing yourself to any kind of relationship.Please be warned.
41
sarah
15 May 2010 17:28
omg, Ive just paid to go on this site and now after reading these comments im very worried. i do agree with some of the comments listed and why do the men hide their pictures, how are we meant to send messages if we have to spend our time asking to see who they are? i hope it gets better from here on or maybe ill prefer to stay single.
42
Celia
16 May 2010 09:17
David’s comments (35) are the best! The cat excuse just about sums up my own sense of humour. I hope I can remember that on my imminent date. It will keep me relaxed.
43
Toni
25 May 2010 13:39
i think unloading some of your baggage on the first date is a good idea especially if you have children and ur still in contact with the father/mother, ur date needs to know, but don’t go over the top with it.
44
Steve
26 May 2010 16:29
I think it’s fine to ‘touch’ on anything and everything on a first date. The more information, the more complete your first impression will be.
BUT, don’t go into detail. Pause frequently to give your date a chance to speak. If they want to know more about anything specific, they will then have the chance to ask you.
And Graham ( comment 38 ). V funny, have’nt laughed so much in weeks!
45
polly
27 May 2010 14:39
I think it depends entirely how comfortable you feel with each other on how much detail of your pasts you need to reveal. Within the first 5 minutes of meeting a person I think you can tell if you are able to get on with them or not!
46
Karen
6 July 2010 19:12
Graham Comment 38.
Ditto
I just signed up for a year and can not believe the unsuitable matches that have been sent to me so far. I am a 50 year extremely young at heart lady who scrubs up quite well if I say so myself! I have been contacted by ONE yes ONE match so far and archived by several potential match’s within minutes of them being downloaded. One guy archived me before I even got to look at his profile 30 seconds after I received it. What are these people looking for?
47
jenna
11 July 2010 20:34
I agree with louise i like to hear what went wrong before and where they stand now… guys also have very diffrent views on why things went wrong… my EX would say i was a psycho who flipped at the littlest thing and I would say he lied about everything, including his age, stole off me and cheated on me repeatedly who is right?? lol
48
John
16 July 2010 02:57
Jenna you are a psycho stop telling people I stole off you I borrowed the money, I was gonna pay it back, I never cheated on you, I was painting the ceiling and my clothes fell off and I fell off the ladder on to her and she was naked. It only went in half way.. come back to me I love you!! psycho
49
Luke
17 July 2010 12:27
1. ‘Good God! Didn’t you ask anyone how big your bum looked when you put that outfit on?’
2. ‘Oh sorry; I didn’t recognise you at first. Your pic was quite attractive…….’
3. ‘Sorry, forgot my wallet; you don’t mind paying do you? I’ll have the caviare for starters………’
4. ‘If you could just fill out this questionniare while I go get the coffee…..’
5. ‘Would you mind leaving now? I’m meeting someone else at half past.’
Hope these help…..
50
jane
17 July 2010 13:42
I think the boys get a tough time of it as much as the girls. Finding a loving partner just doesn’t happen overnight and it is fraught and hard going at times. Comment 38 was brilliant. So funny. Comment 39 was so true. Well done guys!
51
jane
17 July 2010 13:44
Regarding comment 39 you do need to see who you are going on a date with!!
52
glenda
18 July 2010 23:42
oh dear – only on here for a look around during ‘free communication’ weekend definately will not be paying to join after reading this lot
53
Laura
19 July 2010 03:29
I agree with Sara (1) because who wants to hear about nasty break ups?? The person you’re on a date with has probably moaned about it enough to their friends and family and now they want to tell a complete stranger about it?? Yawn…. Give me some light flirting, a bit of a laugh and show me your good side because that’s what I hope to see most of in the future!!
54
Steve
21 August 2010 19:20
I met a girl via another site at a bar/restaurant. After a couple of drinks she suggested we had some tea so we got a table and chatted, after the main course she asked what hobbies I had then told me that she had a hobby of “dressing up”!
And showed me pics on her mobile of her dressed up as a dominatrix with her transvestite friend. She said something about “wanting to be up front”. My opinion was that it’s not up to me to judge people so if that’s what floats your boat fair enough but perhaps she was showing off? It didn’t impress me or put me off – what did impress me was when the bill came she insisted on paying ‘cos I’d driven to her local.
I think it was a welcome change from meeting girls who moan about their ex or have a negative attitude about life.
In my opinion it’s not just what you say to someone it’s how you behave.
She had class in her own way.
55
Anna
30 August 2010 12:59
It does annoy me when people go on about how ‘ordinary’ they are. It’s not reassuring, it’s just dull. I’d rather meet someone special.
56
Jonathan
30 August 2010 15:36
Yes, it’s hurtful being archived; but if you’re not going to ever meet someone, or if you’re not attracted to them, or if they scare you too much, you have to do it, why not straight away? If I live in Ashby de la Zouche I don’t take it personally if Donalda from Stornoway archives me. I am sure it breaks her heart to do it! :0)
PS; What do I have to put in my profile to get matched Steve’s Dominatrix?
57
Steve
31 August 2010 11:52
sorry Jonathan – she wasn’t from this site! and I’m pretty sure there are lots of other equally quirky and interesting girls out there too – you just have to keep looking. Avoid the ordinary ones!