4 March 2010
Dating a former cheater – a no-no?
by eHarmony
You know they’ve cheated before, but does that mean they’re damaged goods forever? Find out how to make your way through this dating minefield.
Realising you like someone who’s cheated in their past is tough, and you’ll no doubt be plagued with doubts. How can I trust them? Will they do the same to me? Your decision on whether you date them or not will be based on lots of factors, such as how you define cheating, or the circumstances in which it occurred.
The simple answer to whether you should date someone who’s cheated before is that you should be very careful before you make any serious decisions. Here are five crucial questions you need to ask yourself when you’re weighing up whether or not to date this person.
> What do you think? Can you ever trust someone who’s cheated before? Add your thoughts below.
Have they accepted responsibility?
If the person you want to date appears to acknowledge that they have made mistakes, which went on to hurt people they cared about, then this is a good starting place. Of course, you have to assume they’re sincere – which can be tough with someone whose fidelity you doubt – but if this is the case then they are demonstrating necessary self-awareness.
However, if they make excuses for what happened – ‘she didn’t love me’, ‘he didn’t pay me enough attention’ – then you should be wary. Yes, sometimes there are extenuating circumstances that lead to cheating, but that person still chose to be unfaithful to their partner, and they haven’t faced up to that.
Has the experience changed them?
If a person cheats on their partner, and faces up to that fact, then they should undergo a maturing process. You should feel confident that their experience changed them; that they learnt something from their actions. Not only should this person be able to accept responsibility for what they did, but also be able to tell you how they will be different going forward, potentially in a relationship with you.
Have they undergone a transformation?
We still urge you to exercise caution when considering whether to date a cheater or not, but it is possible for people to undergo transformations in their lives. Significant events can spur change in a person, and may cause them to completely change how they view the world.
It will be hard for you to judge this if you haven’t known the person long, but look for clues in the choices they’ve made. Perhaps they made a conscious decision to change the route their lives were going down by changing jobs, moving, or even undergoing therapy. These will help you see if they have made that all important transformation.
Will you worry about them cheating on you?
Now we turn to you, and your ability to forgive, and forget. If you’re the kind of person who believes that the past stays in the past then you should have the faculties to deal with this situation. However, if you are someone who constantly worries whether your other half is being faithful, then the added knowledge that they cheated in the past will likely eat away at you. You can’t spend the your time together wondering where your partner is, or who they’re texting. If you fall into the latter category then you should seriously consider passing this person by.
What does your gut say?
Your gut feelings about nearly every emotional situation should be listened to. If it is telling you that you could trust this person, and that they really have changed, then you should listen. However, if your gut is squirming at the thought of being with this person, telling you that you could be making a big mistake, then run with it. Ultimately, it’s you who has to make this decision, and live with it, so you need to be sure.
If you’ve read these questions and feel you can answer them all positively, then you should be on the right road. Everyone makes poor decisions in their lives – it’s how we deal with them that matters. If we show ourselves to be mature, and admit our mistakes then we deserve a second chance.
The most important thing to remember is that you deserve to be treated as the great person you are, and if this person can earn your trust, and treat you accordingly, then they may well be worth your love.
1
Robert Ward
14 March 2010 15:22
Once a cheater,ALWAYS a cheater.If I ever met someone then I would want to know if they had ever cheated in the past.If they did then I would have no hesitation whatsoever in ditching them there and then on the spot.
2
bob
14 March 2010 16:41
How do you know they are cheater, if they cheated are they likly to tell you anyway?
Just get a good pre-nuptial and hope for a rich cheat
3
tony
14 March 2010 16:59
i would never trust some who has cheated once as the old saying goes once a cheater always a cheater.
4
sandra mills
14 March 2010 18:05
22years with this man only to be cheated
on yet again (3 times in all) will never trust him again.
5
Chris
14 March 2010 18:17
It’s so shallow to judge someone just because they cheated. Yes it does show poor character – but I’ve seen a few people who have asked for space but been given none. They think they still love their partner until they go out and start drinking.
Incidentally, almost all cheating is associated with drinking copious amounts of alcohol.
Additionally – there are people who are just unhappy but are under the thumb of a controlling partner. They are unable to leave a poor or abusive relationship. They are looking for that special someone to whisk them away.
It takes maturity, and the ability to consider every person’s situation in the story. Of course, you will only get one side, but I do believe that you can tell someone who is going to cheat.
Incidentally I cheated years ago in a situation similar to the first. I should have walked but was told that the other person “had invested too much time in the relationship”. I asked for space and got none. I was young and naive. Didn’t realise the amount of hurt it can cause.
What goes around comes around though. The last relationship I was in I kept forgiving my partner because I was thinking “well I did it”. I didn’t realise that there were far more times than the two I knew about.
As they say – fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
The pain is indescribable and something I never want another person to experience.
To ROB: Don’t be so jaded man. You’ve obviously been hurt and are bitter. Don’t miss out on what could be a committed relationship just because of a past. Peace.
6
Jacqui Livesey
14 March 2010 18:48
I am a firm believer it is their past and it was not me that they cheated on. A person always deserves a chance.
7
pippa
14 March 2010 19:14
very sorry jacqui, but you are very much in line for a nasty wakeup call.
I had a cheating husband that I was with for 28 years until we broke up in 2002 over his most recent affair, and he was a VICAR!!! True his first dalliances were before he took the cloth, (as far as I know for certain) but then he had become so adept at covering up, lying through his teeth and making me believe I was at fault for even suspecting such a thing again, that I do not doubt for a moment that there were other notches. Indeed, I have been told there were by friends, but I have no proof. Once a cheat always a cheat!!!
8
Sue
14 March 2010 21:04
Been on the receiving end of this… believe me if they do it the once they will do it again and again and again.
Plus trust is an important part of a relationship and once the trust has gone, the relationship has gone.
9
Matt
14 March 2010 21:37
I’ve been cheated on and also cheated on a partner. Its has to be one of the most excruciating emotional pains knowing you’ve been cheated on. A lot of factors can lead to cheating i think inexperience and emotional immaturity being the key factors. If you’re a good person at heart the guilt of cheating on a partner will mature and and develop you as a person as long as you can take a look at your actions and realize what you did wrong and learn from it. I know i won’t ever cheat again because if you’re faced with that want to be with someone else then you’re likely to have serious issues in your relationship which should be addressed one way or another. I think in many cases the want to cheat and cheating is a sign something isn’t right its if you actually deal with the problems or just run into the arms of another person that makes or breaks a relationship.
10
Patrick
15 March 2010 00:49
I was married for 13 years to my childhood sweetheart.
Like Chris’s example, she was very controlling.
We had a great life, house, family but for the last 7 years she was completely cold towards me romantically.
The strange thing is she always rejected the idea of counselling and refused to acknowledge any problem existed. I eventually concluded she was simply not interested in men, physically.
I was absolutely beside myself with frustration, loss of self esteem, from having such extended rejection from my life partner who was also my best friend but insisted it was all entirely normal.
When the opportunity to have an affair came along it seemed a perfect solution, the woman concerned was only interested in a no strings arrangement, just like me. I agreed to start an affair on the condition if would never affect my marriage.
It worked fine for two years and my marriage improved considerably, while we had no physical relationship still of course, she was not feeling under pressure from me.
What went wrong? My mistress found someone else. Realising I had to go back to a cold relationship sent me over the edge into full depression. I confessed all to my wife hoping the affair would make her realise how bad our situation had been… she simply sought a divorce as quickly as possible.
Lessons learned?
- affairs don’t solve anything they cover up the real problem
- if you can’t communicate equally in a relationship you don’t have one
- if your partner won’t go to counselling, get the ball rolling by going *on your own*!
I would do things differently following my experiences and I never will again think an affair would solve a relationship problem, so I agree with this article, people can learn and be trusted.
I have had two relationships since my marriage and cheating has not once crossed my mind.
11
Christina
15 March 2010 01:21
Yeap i agree once a cheat always a cheat,even thought they were so sorry,and say they’ll change there’s no room for second chances.
My ex cheated and then when i found out got down on one knee to propose so i told him to go and propose to someone else,the one he ended up with ended up cheating on him
What goes around comes around,they’ll get there come up ance
12
con
15 March 2010 01:30
i was cheated on so many times and forgiving and understanding him did not stop him cheating again. Now I believe once a cheat will always be a cheat. If you have the first gut feeling that you are being cheated on, then more than 95% its happening and move out of the relationship as soon as u find out the first time as this will happen again. I am still grieving my relationship, it feels like a death inside and how can you help me to move on. I try to be strong but its so fresh in my heart its like yesterday. its been 4 monhts since I walked away.
13
dave
15 March 2010 03:33
I cheated on loads of girls when i was younger but have now chosen a different path. I have 100% confidence in myself and my word, but convincing other people i have changed is impossible. I also don’t tell lies at all any more and am finding out people don’t always like the truth. The path i have chosen is difficult but i accept i have caused alot of pain in the past and i am determined never again so i am sticking with it no matter what.
14
Patricia
15 March 2010 09:59
My partner of 26yrs cheated on me on numerous occasions over 5 times, each time I forgave him. Suddenly I kicked him out this time he never cheated, but he never showed any remorse or said he was sorry. Never even promise to make things better between us, just blamed me for not being there for him which was a lie. From my experience cheaters will always cheat.
15
Pip
15 March 2010 10:36
Once a player always a player!! I would never trust anyone who had cheated. Why would you want to put yourself in that situation? It took alot for me to trust my soon to be ex husband as he was married he met me and I had no idea until I was pregnant. 5 years later 2 kids and a move to Australia (his dream)meant to be for too years. I came home first with kids he was due to follow 3 weeks later but decided to find himself a nice little sheila to shack up with! Ain’t life a bummer? Never again! Run like mad!! Xx
16
Robert Ward
15 March 2010 11:32
Jacqui Livesey,yes people do make mistakes,you may leave your job to work elsewhere and it doesn’t work out,you may make a mistake whilst driving and prang someone elses car,minor things perhaps BUT the one thing you should NOT DO UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES is cheat on your partner,it is wrong and no one who does this should get a second chance.If I did this rubbish then I would deserve not to have a second chance,end of.
17
Christine
15 March 2010 14:50
I had a wonderful relationship with my husband for 15 years which ended suddenly in his death, I feel fortunate to know what a good relationship feels like. After recently dating a man for twelve months I decided to end what on the surfaced seemed by my friends to be a beautiful blossoming romance with a chap that I had grown to love. I knew he had cheated on his wife during his previous marriage; I chose to accept that had happened as he appeared on the surface to have learnt from the experience and showered me with lots of attention. Things were wonderful until he became what I can only term as ‘over confident’ with me. He suddenly became secretive and seemed to need and want the attention of other women. He was not able to talk about this side of his personality or what in our relationship had brought it on. I was left with a growing feeling that i could not trust him and felt increasingly uncomfortable that I could feel this about the man I had grown to love. I ended our relationship suddenly after he alluded to having made contact with three previous girlfriends and became very protective about his text messages being read. The trauma was incredible and not something I never want to experience again even though he hadn’t had an affair and that I knew he loved me. I knew he would have been very able to have been unfaithful to me, compartmentalising a person and situation for his own purpose or pleasure. So I will never know if he would have been unfaithful but I think my gut instinct was pretty accurate given the warning signals. I was just so disappointed that he couldn’t or didn’t want to talk and overcome what were probably pretty petty issues – what a waste of a year!
So after this situation I still do believe that a person can be trusted after they have cheated. I however would not ever put trust in someone that I could not communicate with. Life is not always a bed of roses as it appears in the beginning of a relationship, so if immaturity, a lack of responsibility and inability to communicate are detected in my future relationships will be very wary. Thank you Patrick for your comments they have restored my confidence in mankind!
18
Adele
15 March 2010 19:02
I was married almost 25 years…he turned 40 and ‘decided’ to have an affair….by saying even President Clinton could have one…..i didnt take him seriously….we were solid together…however…the torture, his lies,even to this day…the trauma it has caused myself and my 3 grown children is imeasurable…He came back into my life and is now treating the say way he did 10 years ago….i have doubts, he ‘talks to me in bed, in pretend sleep’ saying ‘you clever clever girl, her boyfriend caught us’ my gut feeling is he saw his X again…..I am hurt beyond words as he ‘denies’ anything saying he never even said those things…lies lies lies…and im left with this awful loss of self esteem… he talks of remarrying…i have the ‘new ring’…but im torn inside….I have forgotten what is like to ‘mean something’ to someone….my children, one left home to be with her boyfriend and two wonderful sons….i wonder once they have ‘left’….I will have been ‘left behind’. Im so distraught inside but putting up with it because i have ‘nothing’…other than this home and my loves of my life, my children. I dont care what happens to me. But thepain inside is indescribable. His verbal abuse continues…..he gives me expensive presents, smiles, trips out in the day, the suddenly…so cruel…verbal….I dont know where I am ….except I adore my children .
19
gisella
15 March 2010 20:02
Yes, it is true that men like playing around, we have plenty of examples of celebrity, Presidents, very clever men, there is no difference, not even at 83 years old they can keep one woman only, they constantly need confirmation of their virility even when that doesn’t happen, it is very sad, but a reality, you could eventually work your way around their sexual fantasies, but is it worth it?
20
peter
15 March 2010 21:41
A leapord never changes its spots
21
Margaret
15 March 2010 23:54
Adele,
Look up the word “narcissist” read the full meaning on a website, He is unable to love, your man sounds exactly like one.
22
Andrew
16 March 2010 21:11
It is absurd to suggest, as some people have, that if a person has cheated at any point in their life then there is no way they can ever be trusted again. Everyone makes mistakes, some learn from them while others do not. There are all kinds of reasons why cheating might occur. You have to look at the circumstances and judge each case on its merits.
Having said that, if the person in question has shown a clear pattern of cheating on several partners, you would most likely be deluding yourself if you thought they would suddenly change for you.
23
Louise
17 March 2010 14:07
I have only ever cheated once in my life. I was seventeen (not married) at the time and I felt so guilty and disgusted in myself that I never contemplated it again.I have been married since then and have been cheated on several times as well as by subsequent partners following my divorce 15 years ago.
What I have come to learn is that there is only ‘one’ sure thing in life, and that is that one day we will die! All other undertakings are a risk, a gamble. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t, but no matter how good, or bad something is………one day it ‘will’ end.
Instead of worrying about what other people may or may not do (something which we have no control over), why don’t we start taking responsibility for ourselves. More importantly, take control of our own happiness, change our own life scripts if thats whats needed. Happiness attracts happiness and it’s no one elses responsibility to make you happy…..it’s yours……after all…..one day ……we ‘will’ die. Let the ones who commit the offences answer for themselves, that is their responsibility. Our only enemy is time and I for one dont intend to waste it.Good luck to everybody!
24
Gwen
17 March 2010 20:00
My personal experience, having been married to a serial cheater (at least three times in twenty years, and observing other peoples relationships have taught me not to trust any one who considers their past irrelevant. Just as important is how they communicate. I so agree with Patrick when he wrote:
- affairs don’t solve anything they cover up the real problem
- if you can’t communicate equally in a relationship you don’t have one
- if your partner won’t go to counselling, get the ball rolling by going *on your own*!
you’re an inspiration Patrick!
Also I am convinced that anyone who needs to have afffairs either is emotionally unavailable or is with someone who is emotionally unavailable. But one thing that should be looked for is how they tried to solve the problems in their relationship.
I tried everything I could think of in my marriage then talked him into going for couples counselling. When even that didn’t work (he was paying ‘lip service’ only) I divorced him. I continued in counselling to get myself together and gain confidence. Since then I have had one relationship but I knew he wouldn’t stay faithful even though he was loyal, so ended it.
My concern is that I may never meet a man that is not screwed up by his past and isn’t afraid of the whole commitment and monogomous side of a good lasting relationship.
25
eHarmony review er
17 March 2010 21:57
I have always thought that the eharmony team do a great job of “getting to the core” of relationships and what traits a lasting relationship has to have, and yet again they have been able to put a fine point on what you can expect from a potential partner that has cheated in the past, much of the same…- Great stuff guys!
26
Gina
19 March 2010 04:03
One can only change oneself and take responsibility for one’s own actions.
I think that it is the deceit that is the problem.
27
william
21 March 2010 01:51
My girlfriend (now wife) cheated on me several times before we were engaged. I was deeply hurt but although she has been a faithful wife and is sorry I was hurt she still maintains she acted within her rules and that I was largely to blame for suffocating her. Although I now feel I should have left her after the last and worst affair, at the time I was more concerned about winning her back since she had become very cold towards me. She saw me in a new light and felt more strongly about me, but I never realized how the past would eat at me for years. It is fading after 30 years but if I see her and feelings for her begin to rekindle the past always twists my gut just a little. Some say I need to mature and look at this more rationally. But I think no-one ever really gets over cheating particularly a in what was a deep and while not perfect , a good relationship initially.
I do not have perfect trust and am always expecting to find skeletons of other lovers in the wardrobe. My advice is think very hard and do not make my mistake.
28
Rachael
22 March 2010 09:51
Just because someone cheated in one relationship doesn’t mean they’re going to cheat in the next one. It completly depends on the situation, someone who is a serial cheat is unlikely to change but someone who has cheated and regretted it is someone who is unlikely to cheat again.
29
Robert Ward
24 March 2010 11:22
Rachael of course they will cheat,it is in their nature to do so,it is like a drug to them.I hate to say it but I think that the majority of women and men for that matter cheat.You should watch the US show Cheaters on Living,that will educate you as to what happens.
30
amanda
24 March 2010 16:09
When it comes to relationships if you are both being honest with each other from the start there’s no reason to not trust someone who has cheated. If the person you are with can’t or won’t communicate with you then how can you trust them anyway?
If you’ve got a history of dating guys/girls who cheat, maybe look at their character a bit more closely and see what the pattern is. It may help you to choose someone more trusting.
I’ve never cheated. I have been cheated on once but I’ve also dated previous cheaters more than once and they have always been faithful to me.
Try and understand the circumstances that caused them to cheat. It may be that they felt they weren’t trusted so figured there wasn’t any point in being faithful. It’s not an excuse but may simply highlight their insecurities.
At the end of the day cheating is a choice people make. It’s not involuntary. Just because someone has done it once, doesn’t mean they will do it again.
I will say this:if the person has done it more than once in a relationship-then perhaps their issue is much deeper. In which case, get out of the relationship to save yourself the heartache but be a friend and suggest they get help.
31
Robert Ward
25 March 2010 00:46
Amanda,they WILL cheat again,these people that cheat have as much honesty as politicians,and politicians are not very popular(bring on the election)
32
leeca
31 March 2010 15:50
sorry submitted by mistake , i guess I am trying to say he left his wife then he went back, in this time he asked me to wait for him I said We will see …
the thing is she kicked him again and he asked if he could stay with me until the following day and he could get his own place sorted… i said yes it was realy strange that night… something different with him .. anyway i put it down to everything going on, he left the following mornign and stay at a hotel, the thing is it never dropped… he aske me to lend him money and I did ..over £1,0000 .. in the mean time of this i had bad acicdent and.. anyway he became really distant and said he needed space to sort himself out i said yeah fine I understood .. he rang me every day and night.to top and bottom of thisngs is tha het he was the control freak and that he was the one that didnt like his wife going out etc , he was in my life up to about 6 months agao drilling me down saying that it was myfault that he his family and has children 1 son and a step daughter. in the last 4 years i lost my confidence, self believe and respect and so much more and… in all this time I have taken mental cruielty from him and also some physical too… in the last 12 months he changed his number becasuse he said I text and rang him to much … and he didnt want his children to see this yet everone else has it so I have allowed him to totally control everything, yet i was still there becasue I beleived that i had invested nearly 4 years of my life yet he never introduced me to his children etc I have been in such bad states that I went with gut feelings and drove to hhis house when has said he has his children and there I would see him getting out of cabs at 1-00 am in a morning …he then tells me he has been with his children etc the problem with that the cab came from total different direction to where they live …
I am sorry for the rammbling on but everyone , once a cheat always a cheat I am wrighting this down now and thinking Karma is paying me back for getting involved and to be honest there is so much more I could tell you . what I was trying to say go with your insticts they are the true feelings that you should believe in. never date a cheat ….they will do it again
33
jayne
5 April 2010 13:51
Robert Ward,i think you are being too self opinionated and may find it difficult to be with someone genuinely in the near future because you might develop problems of not being able to trust.
34
hayley
6 April 2010 15:31
i have been cheated on all my dating life and found out evry time and dumped them. im now in a what i thought stable reltionship when i have just found out my partner is on most of the dating sites saying hes ‘single and looking for females to date’. when i confronted him he denies it and gets very angry and accuses me of not trusting him….i dont no if he has met any other woman from the sites but what gets me is that its black and white on the sites yet hes saying its not him lol.
35
Georgina
11 April 2010 21:53
Serial cheeters are usually those who have very little self-esteem and are extremely insecure of themselves and always feel the need to be ‘wanted’ by someone new as this ‘proves’ to them that they are ‘worth’ something afterall, and makes them feel special….but unfortunately, they’re actually caught up in a vicious circle – people like these aren’t worth a monogamous person’s time – no matter what the monogamous person does to make that individual feel wanted, special, etc….they will not be able to change how that insecure individual feels about themselves, as the change has to commence from inside the individual themselves, not from an external source. Until they realise that and take action to change themselves, they’ll remain the same insecure and weak individual cheater they are.
However, I am also aware of the other type of cheater – those who cheat due to loneliness / boredom etc. Relationships are hard work and it takes more than one person to make a relationship work. Neglect of a relationship from either party can cause the scales to be unbalanced…and unfortunately, sometimes for those who feel ignored by their efforts to save the relationship or feel unappreciated etc, they then take the ‘easy’ road to battle their loneliness and find comfort in the arms of another. Therefore, if cheating arises after some considerable time, say 15-20 or more so years, I would strongly urge both parties to look at whether both are responsible for the inbalance in the relationship that has subsequently ended up with one and/or both having an affair and then to assess whether they could both live with what has happened.
36
Richard
12 April 2010 09:03
If a guy cheats because his current relationship is at it’s end, that one thing. But if a guy cheats because subconsciously it’s a way of proving his worth (either to himself or to others) and is underneath constantly insecure and in need of repeated reassurance by making new conquests, then that’s quite something else. No women can save a guy who suffers from this.
I say suffer because the poor guy will never find contentment and happiness and will never be able to provide it either.
Unfortunately it’s up to you ladies to decide why he cheated; And the hardest part is that the answer is not always what you want to hear.
Beware the man that just says what you want to hear. And don’t mistake a lack of sincerity for a sense of humour.
37
tor
19 April 2010 09:19
It’s all about respect for another person and their feelings…that’s it really…does anyone actually think about anyone else apart from themselves when they are about to cheat? There is no excuse and everyones comments on here about taking responsibility for our own actions is very true indeed. It’s no one elses fault but your own, if you make the choice to cheat. If there are problems in your current relationship which make you want to seek attention elsewhere then ppl have to be mature enough to sit down with their partner and discuss their worries (you don’t have to say you want to cheat, that’s your alert that something is up)…surely it’s the problems in the relationship which may be responsible? Or like some ppl have said, perhaps for some it’s personality driven and no one will make a difference?
38
tor
19 April 2010 09:25
P.s I would never date a cheater, how can you know initially if it’s personality driven? …and besides, ‘be sure, your sins will find you out’, as they say. I almost think a serial attention seeker can be just as bad?
39
Amanda
20 April 2010 14:58
My word…. So much bitterness.. ouch.
40
Kate
22 April 2010 16:41
This can go both ways.
I agree once they cheat in your relationship, then they will do it again, and hide it better the next time.But if I found out I was dating a guy who in the past cheated, I would ask him why? Maybe it was different circumstances, and would give him a chance.
I have been on both ends. I cheated on my first boyfriend when I was 17, and never did it again (due to the pain I caused), and after that I was in a relationship with someone for 10 years, and I found out he was constantly cheating and lucikly found out 5 months before we were due to get married.
41
Robert Ward
26 April 2010 14:59
Jayne,I do say what I think,that is my nature being a Northerner(Manchester),and are you saying that I should take that sort of s***?I am someone who doesn’t take fools and will not be messed about by anyone,in any circumstances.If others are prepared to take that,then that is of course their choice,besides genuine people simply don’t do things like that in my opinion.
42
me
15 May 2010 16:31
There is a big difference between a serial cheater and someone who made one mistake in the past. The serial cheater is addicted to the thrill of the chase and to proving to himself that he can notch up any woman he wants.
A serial cheater I know told me “When a husband beds a beautiful woman, he comes back to his wife feeling more like a man.” He also told me that although there is no happiness in wanting lots of different women, that is his preference. He is a miserable alcoholic, a football fanatic and a chauvinistic pig. If he read this, he would recognise himself.
I think he needs therapy and have told him as much.