8 April 2010
Are you a desperate dater? 7 signs to look out for
by eHarmony
Desperation and dating don't mix. Find out how to spot a desperate dater with these 7 signs - and if that person is you, find out how to dial down the desperation.
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Desperation isn’t sexy. You’ve probably recognised it in some of the people you’ve dated, and you may have been guilty of it yourself before. When you’re under stress – whether it’s your first date in ages, or that you just really like this person – the over-wide grin and the ‘like me!’ tone can come all too easily.
But how do you know whether you’re just showing your interest, or you’re being that desperate figure? Here are seven signs – are you guilty of any of these?
Desperation means…always being available
You have a great time, but your date doesn’t call as soon as you’d like. You start to wonder if they like you, if they felt the same as you did about the date. Then suddenly, at 8pm a couple of days later they’re on the phone. ‘Hey, fancy some dinner tonight?’ The desperate dater in you says, ‘Yes! I’d love to! I can be out the house in 20 minutes!’
But, what does this really say about you? You could rationalise it by saying that you’re an adult, and that game playing just isn’t your thing. But at the same time, at the start of a relationship, your behaviour tells the other person how you like to be treated – and in this situation you’re telling them that you can be picked up and dropped at any time.
If your instant reaction is to say yes, bite your tongue and have the confidence instead to say, ‘I’d love to but I’m busy tonight, let’s do something at the weekend.’ If they’re interested they’ll be happy with your response, if not, they’re really not worth it.
Desperation means…clinging on for dear life
Human nature means that the more we fear losing something, the more we cling onto it, and dating is no exception. The desperate dater will fall into the mindset of thinking that they need to focus all their attention on one person, lest they slip through their fingers. They fear they’ll never find anyone else as good.
The desperate dater calls and texts constantly, and asks prying questions: ‘What were you up to last night? Why didn’t you answer my call? Who’s that woman on your Facebook profile?’ Rationally, we know the opposite is true – the tighter you cling onto someone, the more likely they are to pull away. Give the other person space to breathe and they’ll be naturally drawn to you.
Desperation means…needing constant status updates
Do you find yourself wanting to know if you’re dating, or serious, or boyfriend and girlfriend yet? The desperate dater needs to put a label on everything because it makes them feel more assured about their relationship. We liken it to a small child on a 2-hour car journey, constantly asking ‘Are we there yet?’ At best it’s annoying; at worst it pushes the other person away. Also, the other person may feel obliged to give an answer, which will just create a false sense of security before they eventually jump ship.
Desperation means…fishing for compliments
Desperate daters need to know they’re loved and constantly fish for compliments. A common tactic is self-deprecation, such as saying something like ‘I hate the way my hair looks’. At which point the other person has so say ‘No! It looks amazing!’
Their need for approval can come in many forms though, and it is simply exhausting for the other person. It’s possible that enough reassurance will make the desperate dater more confident and the compliment fishing will tail off – but not many people will take that chance.
Desperation means…forgetting friends
Who needs friends when you’ve got a loving partner? After all, if your relationship ends, you’ll be able to pick up with them where you left off, surely? Wrong. Putting effort into a relationship is one thing; putting your life on hold for it is another. In fact, it’s a bit weird. For starters, no one wants to feel like someone else’s happiness rests entirely on their shoulders.
Desperation means…lowering your standards
There is a difference between being realistic and lowering your standards so much that you’ll date anyone who’ll have you. It’s tempting, especially after a dry spell, to convince yourself that the next person you meet is your soul mate – even if they’re an unappreciative, unhygienic slob. The desperate dater forgets all the standards they previously had in place, and believes they can’t get any better than the lowest common denominator.
Desperation means…it’s ok to be treated like rubbish
You’ve become so desperate to be in a relationship that you’ll put up with any behaviour from your partner – sound familiar? If you find yourself excusing your partner’s behaviour to your friends, perhaps things aren’t as rosy as you’ve persuaded yourself. In this case, it’s time to take a long, hard look at things. You know deep down that your happiness is more important than a bad relationship; you just need to act upon it.
Portrait of the non-desperate dater
Taking into account the above, the non-desperate dater:
• Is sometimes unavailable, as they’re busy with their own life
• Enjoys space in a relationship
• Doesn’t need constant reassurance – be it on the state of the relationship, or on their own appearance
• Keeps friends and family as their priority
• Maintains good standards for whoever they date
• Doesn’t take bad treatment in their relationships
This ‘checklist’ might sound like we’re describing someone who’s tougher to date, but the fact is that they are much more likely to enter into happy, healthy relationships. If you’ve found yourself doing any of the things we’ve listed above, maybe it’s time to change your approach.
1
Irene
11 April 2010 10:15
Very good and I totally agree with the statement
2
Lynn
11 April 2010 10:20
This is something that I have tried to intill in my son for some years now, but your words describe it so much easier than my own; I shall have him read this article.
3
Emma
11 April 2010 10:53
Very good, especially the last suggestion- don’t continue dating a man UNLESS HE VALUES YOU!
4
Wanda
11 April 2010 13:42
OMG! This was so me in the past, my mum always made me believe that I should be grateful that a man was interested in me & that I should put up with their bad behaviour as that man ‘loved’ me!
5
Jack
11 April 2010 13:55
Oh god ! this is still me !
6
Mak
11 April 2010 14:43
I don’t disagree with any of this but in reality there is a fine line between being non-desperate and not being committed. So if your potential suitor is busy with their own life to the extent that there may be no genuine quality time for you, and enjoys space to the extent that you are there just to fill in the gaps, and doesn’t need reassurance from you because at the back of their mind they know they can get it elsewhere, and whilst friends and family should always be important are always given priority over you and your relationship to the extent you feel second best, and maintains good standards for whoever they date to the extent they think you aren’t good enough or that they could do better or themselves far superior to you, and whilst they dont take bad treatment they really dont care how you feel, then that also needs a change of approach because that suitor is just as much a waste of space as the non-desperate dater?
7
kath
11 April 2010 16:43
Great you have just confirmed i am not a desperate dater so pleased even thou i am on my own
8
Tracy
11 April 2010 17:37
Completely true, but if you are a desperate person you’ll only be able to hold out for so long. The truth will out eventually. The trick is to realise that if someone doesn’t treat you with respect they’re not worth your time anyway. You have to really know this in your hear for it to show in your character
9
Lindy Barker
11 April 2010 20:01
Fantastic advice. I agree with every word.
10
John
11 April 2010 21:36
easier said than done, fair enough say things about desperate daters, but what about those of us who cannot seem to even find anyone to date?
11
Owen
11 April 2010 23:42
Fortunately I am only one of the above. That one is lowering standards. The suggestions made are all good and I tried them for so long and had an active social life but it was all to no avail. It’s been 5 years since I was in a proper relationship and now my standards have lowered that I’ve been settling for casual relationships i.e. fleeting romances. Something I wouldn’t have considered before. The trouble is when you’ve been without for so long and you’re finding it so difficult this is what happens.
12
wendy
12 April 2010 10:36
John, (11th April) I agree, no one so far has seen passed my disability, so I don’t get asked on dates!
13
John
12 April 2010 11:37
OMG!! I’m the desparate dater
The thing is, is it too late for me and the person I’m dating at the moment? Do I try and change and keep quiet or do I try and change and admit to being a muppet?
14
Em
12 April 2010 11:49
I agree with Mak,
can be a fine line so always listen to your gut instincts about someone.
15
Jill
12 April 2010 11:56
I find this strikes a chord with me as I’ve just been on the receiving end of this behaviour at the start of a relationship which I ended a couple of days ago. We only met 6 times. At first it was flattering to have a “fan club” who wanted to spend a lot of time with me, but when someone starts hanging on your every word, texting several times a day and is always available, I found it very very suffocating and pressurised. Now I see he was a DD. P.S. I also recognise in the past I have been a DD and resolve never to be in future!
16
Mary
12 April 2010 18:10
This was me about 6 monthes ago doing all those don’ts,married for 27years then widowed, so out of the dating scene for a long time, But to give you all hope now have a partner who is nearly all the things I could wish for. So they are out there and yes I still sometimes ask for compliments. I told myself I was worth more than that.
17
D
12 April 2010 18:31
I was a desperate-singleton (similar thing) when I met someone who was to become my future husband. In my case I married for the wrong reason(didn’t think anyone else would ask me) and of course it failed eventually. So what is said in this article is so true. Keep dating for the right reasons, and never marry for the wrong ones.
18
Lola
12 April 2010 18:36
Totally agree with the article but i also agree with Mak
19
Steve
12 April 2010 19:39
Whilst some of this article may be true some of the time(possibly even most of the time), don’t think for a second somewhat trite articles like this will automatically provide the solution. (Thankfully ) love is not a checklist of dos and don’ts. It’s a good thing to examine your own behaviour but you could make yourself very unhappy by seeing the article as a set of rules to follow rigidly.
What seems self-defeating behaviour in a dating situation with one person (who might turn out to be ‘the one’) could well be the positive and adaptive response in another dataing situation (with someone who could also turn out to be another ‘the one’).
Mak’s got it about right.
20
Lou
12 April 2010 21:25
I think Im both! I have a very busy lifestyle and have had it thrown at me that Ive got no time for a man. However, when i do find a man i like i have been known to do pretty much all the things you say i shouldnt. I agree with a lot of Mark’s comments- Ive certainly felt like i was just an accessory in a man’s life
21
John from Chelsea
12 April 2010 22:45
This is too simplistic. If this is your style you need someone who has or likes your style.
If you try to be something other than your real self you are living a lie and your lie will come home to roost.
If your date can’t stand the attention then either they aren’t serious about an affair and are just playing games, or your date is the wrong person for you.
Either way your date is wasting your time.
Some people love being told they’re beautiful 10 times a day. Others, I suspect the ones with a heart of stone, like the hard to get ploy of being kept in suspense/or being used, which is clearly the writer’s fetish.
Shame on you for imposing your ideas on everyone else!
I suppose you believe in global warming too!
Bet you won’t post this.
22
kat
13 April 2010 10:54
Ah yes, I am prone to wishing my date would call sooner, and hoping he likes me as much as I like him, but surely those are the signs of interest in getting to know someone better. Balance is the key, and as one of the other replies said, it depends on how the other person sees things. You could both be sitting at home waiting for the same thing! Talk to each other and take it slowly.
If your date doesn’t see your view as worth considering….he isn’t for you.
23
Dave T
13 April 2010 11:34
I agree with most of the article, alot makes some sence but it has to be viewed genarally and not and a ‘This is how it is’.
As an example, When you’re seriuosly wanting to meet someone and its important to you, then you will go that extra mile to be with them and/or communicate (without smothering them) When I have suggested to someone that we could meet up one evening and am told they are doing something else thats ok I can accept that but if it happens the second time I dont bother again as they are obviously not bothered either.
24
paul
13 April 2010 17:03
i met a girl on this and she sounds like everything on the desperate stages,i work alot of hours and have a son,so somtime,s most of my time is taken up by them,i tried to explain things to her but she didnt listen,even tho she had a child too,i like my space somtimes too,it was constant texts,s and phone calls to see when i was seeing her again or asking was i ok,cause i hadnt textd or phoned her back,it did my head in,im afraid she matches every one of the desperate issues listed?it put me right off!
25
Duncan
17 April 2010 20:36
I enjoyed reading the article and found it thought provoking. In some senses it describes me and so reading the aricle has made me think more carefully about how I present myself. Its also intersting since it mentions not taking bad treatment in relationships. I took some bad treatment in a previous relationship. Its only when we step back and view ourselves from a distance do we start to notice these things. In this respect none judgemental friends are very important and can help bring a bit of sense into what might be a confusing relationship. If you cannot see the wood for the trees, get help!
26
Silvia
18 April 2010 03:20
Whilst this article highlights good guide lines,there are no hard or fast rules in dating. I think it’s important to be yourself, do that you’re comfortable with, be sensitive to the other person and go with the flow.
27
V
24 April 2010 12:32
I was impressed by the article and interested in the comments. Maybe I have been totally the opposite. Pride and a rejection phobia leave me unable to follow up or to show to much of an interest. I am totally impressed by others ability to show that much interest and accept that they may be told to ‘go away’. I agree that there is a balance and different situations require different rules. We all need reassurance and although it may seem a bit desperate at the time, I do think that it may be worth a few seconds just to say that you understand but you do not need that sort of intensity. Unless these things are discussed no-one will know what the other expects. Oh that life was so much simpler!!
28
Opeyemi
6 May 2010 13:09
I sincerely appreciate your timely points. They are reasonably explained without bias. It’s good to allow TRUE LOVE to flourish and grow naturally and not grow and die premturely out of desperation from a desperate dater. I’ve read, read and re-read the article. Prayerfully, I’ll apply your lovly but frank advice.
29
Abi
11 June 2010 00:01
Oh I completely agree with this article, however, with the point about keeping your friends and family your priority, dump any man who says “just so you know, you’ll always be last on my priority list. I’ll come and see you when I get a spare hour” 6 months into the relationship, and then only calls when he wants something. Not that I’ve had it said to me before….. *halo*
30
Ned
11 June 2010 14:36
Do people genuinely listen to this? The more people buy into the game playing rubbish the fewer sane people are left in the world. If you like someone, tell them, if you just want a fling tell them.
If a girl plays games with me I just wont bother, its immature playground antics.
31
Laura
11 June 2010 20:23
My opinion is that honest open relationship is what counts. I think its best to understand your partner/date, know what they re most comfortable with, then you know how best to treat them – more space or less space. Everyone is different, compromise is the key. Communicate your needs and listen to your partner’s too.
32
Mike
13 June 2010 13:41
i agree with a lot of what has been said by everyone.
a few years ago, my wife left me for her boss…. long story short fell into this cycle and became a clingy dater, read a book a year or so ago called Meuro-Liguistic Programming for Dummies, changed my entire life, my out look, the way i veiw myself as well as others.
if you can get your hands on a copy, i recommend having a read and trying some of the tips and excersises in there.
trust me, you will value yourself more, your persepsions will change and you will acheive your goals, because you’ll set realistic goals with posative conclusions.
serious guys, give it a try, changed my life.
and yes, i am still single, but happy with the fact that the right one will eventually come along.
33
Jane
14 June 2010 17:06
I agree with a lot of the points here. I have been guilty of some myself in the past.However, a lot also depends on how passionate a person you are and what you are used to. I came out of a relationship where we texted all the time..jokey, flirty and fun texts. It was lively and he made me laugh and smile every day. It was all encompassing I suppose but there was always a morning and good night message and kiss! Its nice to know someone is thinking about you.However, not at the cost of being used or walked over.i agree about not being too readily available or more dropping everything to accomodate.Gives them a sense of power and thats when you let in the game players. However, I am now in a very pleasant relationship – maybe one text a day. He calls when he says he will and he is a very nice man. However, the passion, the energy isnt there. My friends and family always come first. I cant be available at the drop of a hat for anyone. My kids will always be top of my priority list but fun, laughter and all those other things are important. I think its difficult to be able to know how to progress things sometimes as you can also just go on and on seeing someone once or twice a week. I need some passion and exitement and a few feel good texts and comments…I dont actively ask for them or go out and seek them though!! Interesting article and most of it spot on!
34
C
14 June 2010 20:53
I believe you have to be happy with your own life to a certain extent before you start dating and not rely on your date/boyfriend for your own happiness. If you are satisfied with your life you are more likely to attract people to you. You have to be yourself and if your date doesn’t like what they see then better you don’t see them again at that stage than six months down the line when you have really formed an attachment. The right person is out there for us all somewhere!
35
beckie
14 June 2010 22:54
i agree with john and wendy.not having anyone ask u out for a long time,it will at some point reduce someone to a desperate dater.
36
Pamii
19 June 2010 01:09
this is my now ex best friend. got sooo wound up in his new partner he forgot about his friends. he tries to spend every living second with this guy and he had only knew him 5 minutes and he was practically moved in. It ruined our friendship, but i can say i sure as hell didnt do this to him when i was in a relationship.
37
tsi
19 June 2010 18:32
the thing is dont change yourself, if you are a DD then be that you will find someone who likes that. if we try to compartmentalise love then it becomes a job yet its something that should spring from passion. the is no wrong or right dater out there. i agree with Mark.
38
Sally
20 June 2010 20:25
Great article, and is so me – just one question, how do i change my approach? Help?!
39
Paul
21 June 2010 15:30
I think a degree of enthusiasm is required when dealing with new relationships as it’s all to easy to give over the wrong impression. sure, you shouldn’t bug the person, but quick replies keeps the fire burning. It seems to me that by adhearing to the above that all you’re doing is playing games and surely that isn’t a good foundation for a relationship…..
40
Dave
21 June 2010 22:50
There is a difference between being a “desperate dater ” and what is your “norm”. We are all defined by our relationships in our childhood and the experiences we had. It’s down to emotional security. Remember that there are those in life who need a lot of emotional support and there are those who are happy to fulfill that need (as it fulfils a mutual need in them). It’s great to have an awareness of what your own needs are bur it is also helpful to remember that a) you are not alone, b) there is nothing wrong with those needs and c) be honest to yourself and everyone else and the person who finally responds to you will more likely be much better matched to suit yours and their needs.
41
Liz
22 June 2010 20:56
I wasn’t desperate or depressed until I joined this website nearly 6 weeks and approx 100 compatible matches and only one response from the numerous ice breakers, now Im not only desperate but disillusioned!
42
JACKY
24 June 2010 09:23
Good article but a little simplistic . Life isn’t that defined.I totally agree with Mak and lots of others. The danger is you try hard not to be a DD that you come across as too independent! Had it said!!!!!!! Happy medium needed maybe?
43
Anita
26 June 2010 08:42
I empahise with Sally’s comment. Most of us know what a DD is and recognise it in ourselves if we are one and how to dance the courtship dance but how on earth does one change one’s behaviour? resources please!!!
44
abimbola
27 June 2010 11:22
i so much love this ,it’s an opportunity shared for many of us to learn how to handle new relationships because guys generally tend to put up a non challant attitude at first wanting to know if a lady is the desperate type so they treat her like one and the feelings they were initially having tend s to die down gradually until they check out for a less desperate one
45
Cath
1 July 2010 07:48
I find everything that Mak says to be true based on my own personal experience. Being selfish surely is a greater flaw than being selfless although the former do seem to thrive at the expense of the latter…You shouldn t try to change who you are. At the end of the day you have to live with yourself.. I would much rather be me… with a clear conscience !!!
46
tom
1 July 2010 16:02
i dont know if i am desparate i joined this site to find a partner.if you met some one at the pub/club etc you would know by the end of the night if there going to return your calls by the way you both got on and you tke it from there on here it seems like most of the ladies want just a pen pal and are not willing to meet up with you even after 3 months.No i am not pushy nor ask personal questions i have always asked them to meet me in very public places and asked them if they feel the need to bring a friend along and i will meet them anywhere they choose…..
47
alli
2 July 2010 00:37
This advise proved very valauable for me as a date I first met at a supermarket(sainsburys) left me after 6weeks just as I got to like him very much.The reason is because I asked jokingly whether he would like to come and live with me. When you like someone a lot you can say and do foolish things. I was always available and always texting him. I am wiser now. But hey, what’s the point of having beautiful things-house ect and there is no one to share it with. My husband died 8 years ago and I was dating my boss for 7 years before it all cooled off-still good friends with him though; I was very naive obviously and behaved naturally in the relationship or what I saw as a relationship. But now I’ve read this piece I know what to do next time! I just feel very asahamed of myself now and wish I read this artyicle before I met this guy. I bypassed the crucial getting to know you stage and by the second time we met was sleeping with him and he never told me where he lived’ was never available after 6pm. He told me that he was an investment banker and worked at night-6pm to 2am; his mobile phone was mostly switched off and at weekends he said he was visiting his mother in Leeds. I only saw him during the day weekdays. When he left me I called the Bank he said he worked for- Barclays investment in St Paul’s he was not known! I have since been feeling such a fool. I know what everyone reading this would think but I am a straightforward and honest person and so are most of the people I’ve met in my life. After what happened to me I felt such a low esteem I was feeling suicidal not because he left but because he lied to me and treated me like a fool. But I’m all right now and realised that I am a beautiful, loving woman and now wiser in the dating world. Girls I wanted to share this story with you, if you are not aware be aware now- if you can’t get honest details off a man after the 3rd date dump him and check out details before you sleep with him especially if he sounds middleclass and tells you that he is an investment banker, lawyer, barrister etc he maybe using these professions to make you feel cpomfortable with him.
48
Jacqui
2 July 2010 12:39
Unfortunately, in my experience the other person does show more interest when you don’t, I have been a desperate dater. I met a man who seemed ideal and i really loved him, saw him for about 6 months and after being single for four years it was nice to be in a loving relationship. At first he contacted me at least twice a day but when I asked for a commitment he backed off, I was open and honest about my feelings but realised all he was interested in was sleeping with me. I agree with so much of whats been said but it is hard not to text etc because you want them to know how you feel,I don’t want to play games, people should just be honest with each other.
49
sarah
6 July 2010 22:55
I agreed with the above article, you need good friends, family and a life of your own. I always say if you are not enough on your own, you will NEVER be enough with someone. I am committed to time alone at times to reflect which is also time to get to know me, after all we must love ourselves. I believe Bthat being with someone means adding to your life not taking away friends, hobbies, family or any of the above, it means give and take, not take and take.
Good luck
50
Isaac
8 July 2010 00:16
Unto the pure all things are pure, but unto the defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure…
J was desperate in her approach to me where the other matches were either being snubbish and cold or quizzing me as if they were going to be my boss in the relationship. I was amazed aat the way she kept texting, emailing and calling me. I saw it that she really wanted me as that was not common. So, I have decided that she comes with me. To the guys I say, the gal that is desperate for you has truly submitted her self in her heart to your love. She knows what she wants, and mostly such will keep her word if you keep yours too and you appreciate her for being in relationship with you.
To the gals: if a guy is desperate check out his thinking pattern and language. If he is pure then he means good business go with him, but if he is dirty and defiled, please run as he only wants to enjoy your beautiful body for a while before he dumps you..
51
Jonathan
9 July 2010 00:02
Send the same message to every new contact whom you wish to get in touch with, with a polite request that they reply.
Should they choose to ignore you, then they are not the type of person who is worth making a friendship with, or pursuing into a relationship.
everyone deserves the politeness of a reply
52
P
11 July 2010 20:44
I haven’t been guilty of the above but can see how easily it can happen. You want to remain positive and meet the person you know that you deserve but your confidence gets knocked every time you don’t meet them. Also I have been on a few dates with men and the conversations have flowed easily and the chemistry is there (otherwise why go on a second or third date) and then they say that you have some things in common but not enough. Surely you are both supposed to bring new dimensions into a relationship. I think sometimes we are looking for perfection instead of thinking well we get on well, fancy each other and have a reasonable amount in common…
53
Aimee
31 August 2010 12:32
Ok… here’s a question, I loathe those getting to know you questions they encourage you to send on here, you know the ones with the multiple choice answers, I’d much prefer to send an opening message to start the ball rolling but do men find this too over-friendly?
54
Steve, Manchester
28 September 2010 21:12
it’s not ‘over friendly’, it’s skipping a vital stage where you get real info on someone rather than the usual small talk.
55
Steve, Manchester
17 October 2010 12:59
I’ve allowed myself to be treated like rubbish (as mentioned in the article) in a previous relationship. I will never put up with that again and never treat someone like that. And I believe you should treat people as you’d expect to be treated.
I also think there are a lot of people who forget that behind every profile there is a person. Just because it’s a computer screen and someone you have never met doesn’t excuse poor behaviour and bad manners, so always have the decency to reply to emails.
If someone has taken the trouble to write an email they probably spent 5, 10, 20 or 30 minutes of their time on it. At least have the manners to respect the time people put into making an effort with you.
56
Jason
9 September 2011 18:03
I do agree with most of these desperate dating signs. However ‘saying your busy when your not’, I do not agree with. Especially in the NYC area. I’ve been called last minute many times after only a couple of a dates. I went, and a good percentage of the time we ended up having sex. After that, the relationship moved on as normal. So, should I have sat home alone instead. This didn’t just happen once. This happens in NYC to my friends and I on a regular enough basis.
57
Ramona
10 September 2011 00:48
OMG…these are all the signs I used to warn my girlfriends about when I was in a happy relationship, when my ex cheated I walked away from that relationship and took a year out from dating. I’ve been single for three years now and I have slowly turned into the desperate dater without realising! Wow, I never thought I had it in me to be the desperate dater. Might be time to re assess my dating habits, glad I read this article!