21 April 2010
Dealing with dating a tightwad
by eHarmony
Times are tough and our pockets aren’t as deep as they used to be, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to be Scrooge. Dating someone who never puts their hand in their pocket can be downright frustrating – here’s how to deal with them.
Being frugal, especially when times are tough, is commendable. But being a miser is just plain rude. Whether he insists on taking public transport on your date to save on parking, or she seems to think that paying for dinner is the man’s job, dating a tightwad can be a real turnoff.
Now, this isn’t an article about whether it’s up to the man to shell out on a first date or not – that’s a whole other hornets’ nest we’ll deal with elsewhere. What we’re talking about is whether it’s possible to date someone who’s obsessed with counting the pennies – and whether they’ll ever appreciate you over their money.
1. When dating cheap doesn’t equal careful
Most people don’t have lots of money to spend on a posh meal out or a luxury holiday, and that’s ok. Sometimes the simplest experiences can create the best memories. If he makes the effort to take you out for a wonderful picnic rather than spending a mint on a Michelin starred restaurant, the effort and creativity certainly outweighs the fact that he hasn’t spent much cash. If you’re considering having a future with this person, then their ability to be careful with their money could be a great asset.
If, on the other hand, your date has made it clear she has money but just doesn’t want to be parted with it, she most probably falls into the cheap category. By no means are we saying that if your date earns a good wage then they should be taking you out to expensive bars every night, but you have to ask if they’re going to be equally unforthcoming with their time, or their emotions. How someone manages their cash is often a great indicator of how they manage their life.
2. Air your thoughts to your date
Usually relationship problems can be solved by an honest chat, but too often we choose to avoid issues in the hope they’ll go away. In this situation, don’t just blurt out to your date that you think they’re cheap. Instead, explain how you think that the odd birthday weekend away or celebratory dinner isn’t such a bad thing. Also make it clear that you don’t expect them to stump up all the cash; that you’re in it together.
If you’re both on a tight budget, suggest putting a little cash aside every week so that once in a while you can have a small treat together – even if that’s just a cinema trip (you can even take your own popcorn) or a 2for1 deal at your local Italian. Hopefully, once you’ve had a few of these treats your date will realise that the shared experiences you can have with the odd splurge far outweigh spending the cash you stump up.
3. Do you always want to think about money?
If the issue really bothers you (and we assume it probably does if you’re reading this article) you need to decide whether your partner is simply concerned about money at the moment, or whether they’re always going to be tight with their cash. If you’re dealing with the latter case, and it bothers you now, it’s going to keep bothering you. Think about when you’re booking your first summer holiday together – do you really want to be scouring the two-star package deals on the Costa del Sol, or would you rather be spending a bit more cash to go away somewhere you’ll actually enjoy?
The biggest trap you can fall into is thinking habits go away over time, or after marriage. They’ll most likely stay the same, or get worse. If you’ve really got a tightwad on your hands, be prepared for a future of cheap birthday gifts and staycations…
1
Robert Ward
26 April 2010 15:05
In these hard pressed economic times,it pays to look for the best value for money,and that can sometimes mean paying a bit more but getting far better value for money,ie buy one get one free,and personally I don’t see that being an issue at all.Granted someone who is a bean counter,well I have no time for that sort of person.
2
Steve
26 August 2010 13:35
why date anyone who is mean with money?
3
Broke-n
15 November 2010 16:04
Generosity can be a wonderful thing, but always exceeding the available resources quickly turns into a nightmare for the party trying to keep things together. Careful does not have to mean tight. Unbounded generosity is irresponsible and the path to ruin.
4
maria
1 December 2010 00:42
One can be careful with money without going overboard special during the initial courting period,there will be plenty of time for saving later on when the relationship progress.Being tight is a sure way to kill passion
5
Betty
12 December 2010 00:09
In the first few months of a relationship you should be putting your best foot forward. If your earning a good income and if spending money on dinner, drinks and coffee is an issue for someone you really like… Then thats a sure sign of more problems to come!
6
Ruth
12 December 2010 12:33
what mi to do??if for the time being, i have no money at all,this is not normally me, but i have made a terrible mistake in the past, so im suffering the conseguances now. shall i not date, till i sort this out?but that is a frustrating situation.i really dont wish to set a bed impression.please advice!!!
7
Feeling Blue
28 December 2010 13:49
Building on from Ruth’s comment. This is the real world – most normal people DON’T like being “tight” with money, but neither should anyone be expecting new dates to be “splashing out” their hard earned cash with “strangers” (new dates).
I have been affected by the recession and am now in an IVA which means that I am financially “buckled down” to tight budgets for 5 years (this is a legal thing for those of you who don’t know what this entails). Consequences? I am finding it very difficult to even go out on dates because I don’t want to be perceived as a tight wad and I am very really decent person (according to my friends). So there should be some new advice to be put out there “dating for broke people without feeling embarrassed” anyone with ideas will be welcome! (thank you)
8
Miss J
5 January 2011 03:45
To feelingblue – For first dates, you may want to start with simple coffee and cake in the daytime. If the weathers nice, you can have a walk and better yet visit a local point of interest. In the summer consider outdoor activities (no, not those ones!) such as cycling followed by a picnic. Larger metropolitan areas have free outdoor plays/jazz concerts in the summer, Check online for websites that offer discount deals on restaurants.
That may make her feel less than special.
Many websites allow you to read restaurant reviews and book via their site – often at much discounted rates to booking direct with the restaurant itself.
One site even has search options for particular restaurant themes (e.g. scenic views etc) and search option of 15, 20, 30 or even 50% off the bill. I would mention one but that’s free advertising (prob against House rules)
Research free things to do in your area. Read the local borough magazine that drops through your door for ideas. Lots of free things make for a unique and fun date.
Not sure of your interests but consider museums – they’re free and not all are stuffy, some are interactive too!
Consider the famous discount site for holidays – they also do days/evening outs, two for one etc. If you’re active what about a dance class often just a few quid (e.g. salsa) followed by coffee/drinks?
With a reduced income you’ll need to do a little more planning and be creative.
Fish for ideas from your date – did she have a burning ambition to be a painter – how about a life drawing class? Does she love music – how about a pub that has a live band (not great for a first date you need to hear each other speak!)
If you’re making effort to have and show her a good time, cost shouldn’t be a major deal, especially if the date is personalised and thoughtful.
Also try not to make a big point of having got your deal on the cheap…
All the best