28 April 2010
Four real reasons why dates disappear
by eHarmony
You can have the greatest first date ever, but then they drop off the face of the earth. Here are four reasons why...
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It’s something many of us on the dating scene have encountered – the ideal first date, followed by…nothing. Not a word. They’re punctual, take you to a great restaurant, you have sparkling conversation and then after saying goodnight, they disappear off the face of the earth.
This is something that happens all too often it would seem, and the hardest part is that there’s apparently no reason. It’s much more understandable if the date goes badly, or if you simply don’t like them. Here are four reasons why your date may have disappeared – and why you need to stop beating yourself up about it.
1. They’re emotionally immature
Most people have emotional issues and baggage but everyone still wants to appear as ‘normal’ and happy to the outside world as possible. Think about it – often meeting someone you like is much harder (and more pressured) than spending the evening with someone you’re not bothered about. Your date may have had a wonderful time, and told you so, but as soon as they’re alone in their flat the niggling doubts start. What if she didn’t like me as much? What if he’s seeing other people? And in the end, they decide that it’s not worth the hassle or the heartache to get involved.
Why your date doesn’t just tell you this is a whole different story – and one you can probably figure out for yourself.
2. They like you too much to mess you around
Some people are players. A few years ago, this article would have been written solely about men, but these days we have to acknowledge that women are game players too. Players date lots of people at the same time, and manage to make them all fall for them. They’re not necessarily terrible people, they just don’t want to settle down yet with a husband/wife and children.
The player tends to prefer a date who gets what their game is; otherwise it all gets a bit messy. If you’ve spent the evening with a surprisingly charming, attractive date who promptly disappeared, then chances are that you met a player. He or she disappeared because they like you too much and realised it would be unfair to subject you to their shallow charms.
3. They faked it
Faking it is surprisingly easy. Serial daters often have an idea in their head of the kind of person they’re looking for. If you don’t fit that pigeonhole then mentally they will say, ‘S/he’s just not [insert adjective] enough’ and try just to have a good time, finishing the date with minimal drama.
Yes, they could be rude or obnoxious, but they know that’s not going to get him anything but grief. It’s not that your date is faking enjoying your company per se: they’re faking that they wants to see you again. Not that that’s much of a consolation, but bear in mind that if this is how they are on your first date it’s unlikely you’ll want them around for much longer anyway
And as for why your date doesn’t call and tell you this – see point number one.
4. They like you, but not enough
We don’t go on dates to make nice friends. We go on dates in the hope that we’ll find an emotional and sexual connection with someone. If you and your date manage to have a nice conversation and hold hands at the end of the date, that doesn’t really relate much to the emotional and sexual connection we’re talking about. It may take a couple of dates to work out there’s no real connection, despite the fact that you have a good time. In this case, you really are just subject to what your date thinks constitutes two people having a future.
The crux is that if a date disappears on you, it’s often a blessing in disguise. Most of the time you’re having a lucky escape from someone who would do you no good in the long term. It may not feel like that at the time, but you just need to get back on the horse and get out on another date.
And one final thing…
We know these reasons are all well and good, but they’ll still be prompting some of you to ask why your date couldn’t just have had the courtesy to call you and explain. How much of an explanation you’re entitled to really depends on how long you’ve been dating. Two years down the line and you deserve a personal explanation. One dinner date, and really you can’t expect anything. If you’re unsure, here’s the rule of thumb for this etiquette:
1-3 dates: Nothing
4-7 dates: Email or phone call
7 dates or more: Face to face
1
John Cupis
10 May 2010 20:06
So I’ve been going out with a nice lady just over a year . Last Friday we were walking together with her dog in the Mendip Hills when she turned to me and said, “You know, I’m NOT your soulmate!” Now I have grown fond of this lady and that really hurt and that is why I suffered a knee jerk reaction and joined eHarmony. But I have to say that I really like my friend and my heart is not really in eHarmony. When she said those words we were climbing a hill and only six months ago she had a knee replacement op. She said this when two thirds of the way to the top and insisted on turning back. Later we met my grand daughter (Chloe is 20, a student nurse and knows my friend quite well) My friend then said to Chloe, “I think I did quite well today. Next time I’ll make it to the top!”
Now I am left a lovesick teenage boy of 72(!) and just don’t know where I stand! Wodja fink?
2
kelly
10 May 2010 21:01
very good reasons! But I don’t even get to the dating stage they disappear on the texting stage what is it I’m doing wrong!!!!
3
Emma
10 May 2010 21:11
If after 1 date or even 2 they dissapear then to quote a popular phrase “they’re just not that into you”, their loss, walk away and don’t look back.
4
RJ
10 May 2010 21:34
You’re missing the one true reason:
THEY’RE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!
5
Lizzie
11 May 2010 10:13
I’ve been played recently, the guy in question I fell for really heavily and then one day he just walked out of my life, deleted me from facebook, no calls, its the nothing and the silence that hurts the most.
I have now sunk into depression and whilst I am really trying to move on. it is so difficult.
I don’t want anyone else feeling the way I currently do
6
Gina
11 May 2010 13:19
Very true – I guess the chemistry is wrong
7
Helen
11 May 2010 16:39
I’m in a situation where the bloke in question can’t seem to make up his mind! I made the 1st suggestion to go out, we did, had a great time, then he disappeared for a week. Then reappeared. Then started to gradually confess feelings for me, then let me down on a date & disappeared. Then reappeared. he goes through fluries of activity where he just doesn’t contact me. I don’t hassle him, or demand explanations. He’s giving enough mixed messages to fill a barn!
8
Julie
11 May 2010 17:59
You sound too nice a person. By not saying anything to him, you’re letting him get away with treating you like a door mat.I’ve been there and done that….you don’t get any more respect for being ‘too nice’. You’re worth more than that! Show him the (barn) door!
9
stella
11 May 2010 19:47
My opinion men & women dont know what they really want, some are on a rebound, some get scared , my experience after 3 years was he could’nt move on, dead wife still remembered, 7 kids, he wanted more than me.. past!! still ruled..Broke my heart, but, cant trust men again.. hav’nt met any ,, dont want to get that hurt again, so I get scared.. Honest opinion..Spoken to lots of nice men, but they disappear after a few phone calls..
10
Aylaminx
11 May 2010 21:55
If he/she just disappears without explanations (totally regardless of how many dates or even if you’ve just been mailing) then you really DO need to think of it as a blessing – just imagine if this total lack of style, manners and respect is there from the start…can you imagine that cowardise will suddenly change when you REALLY need him/her somewhere down the line in a relationship??? Thanks but no thanks…even if it hurts real bad at first. Don’t EVER give up on yourself and what you deserve. You’ve been brave enough to go on a site, be brave enough to fight for minimum manners!!!
11
Sarah
11 May 2010 22:15
I dated a guy from here for 6 months and it was going really well. Unfortunately this one was emotionally immature and totally messed up from previous relationships and really shouldn’t have been on here in the first place. Anyway the end result was a short e-mail ending it. I think it’s hurtful and cowardly to e-mail someone after this length of time especially when they have done nothing wrong. He got scared and ran. He wasn’t ready to have a mature relationship and wasn’t able to see past previous baggage. I wish I had known this sooner as I would have avoided him! Show some respect and be honest from the start and don’t mess people about.
12
Mike
12 May 2010 10:45
Both fortunately and unfortunately we humans and the relationships we form are not exact sciences. Our feelings for just about everything – from illicit bacon sandwiches to our closest loves – ebb and flow.
They largely depend on our own emotional state-of-mind as that impacts on our outlook on life generally. I’m sure that gaining emotional maturity gives us the capability of interacting with others with respect, with dignity and treating them as we would like to be treated – even if this is a difficult option.
Unfortunately not everyone matures emotionally and it is often all too easy to take the easy way out. We live in an increasingly “disposal society” and many seem to view relationships and fellow human beings in this way.
I truly doubt there are many/any people that have not, at the end of a relationship, felt hurt, disappointment, confusion, self doubt and many other emotions. Unfortunately they may not care to remember this when drawing one to a close themselves.
But……as hurtful as they can be, if we allow these thoughtless/careless experiences to forge a wall behind which we emotionally retreat, we lose twice.
And if we take such “baggage” into our next relationship, well, we are then perpetuating just that which may have hurt in the first place!
We can only answer for ourselves. Why others do the things they do will always be an unfathomable mystery and one which has the potential to pervade our emotional, physical and spiritual well being. We should try to keep that particular genie securely in its bottle!
13
Helen
12 May 2010 11:39
Problem with internet dating is that people join sites when they are on the rebound. They have probably been hurt and looking for the attention. They are not ready for anything more than just getting winks, messages to boost egos. In particular men!
Avoid separated men and look for someone who has been split up at least 6 months!
Good luck..its a minefield out there!
14
Bella
12 May 2010 17:34
I seem to be having trouble even getting a date, only one since joining eharmony and that didnt come to anything, which was OK as we werent a match. I am wondering why the men join eharmony if they are not really into it. I find that hardly any men are looking at my profile let alone contacting me. Is anyone else having this problem or is it just me!! I even tried contacting a few, but no response!! I wish I knew what I was doing wrong!!
Good luck everyone in finding love.
15
Adrian
14 May 2010 22:18
Bella
Its not just the men. I’ve probably sent about a hundred communications and very few even bother to reply. I think part of the problem is that lots of people on here aren’t actually full members and therefore are unable to reply, even if they want to. You say you ‘even tried contacting a few’. Why wait for them to contact you? If you think they are interesting, send a message. I now send a message to everybody who I think could be suitable. I can’t say its working perfectly but at least I think my odds are improved. Good luck.
16
Unlucky
15 May 2010 03:12
To Lizzi:
You story is SOOOO similar to mine. I have been played recently as well((( He has done everything to make me fell for him badly!!! Then one day he blocked me from him Facebook profile. When I asked on a date why he did that he swore that it was not his fault and there was no logic in removing me from his friends. Silly me who believed him. I have no trust in men any more. What’s the point to wash someone’s brain if you know that you are not that into? After some time I have finally decided I did not want to spend my time on someone who does not want to be in relationship even though he was so keen on that(as it looked like at least)
17
Caroline
15 May 2010 21:08
Mike,
A well said statement. You seem emotionally mature and intelligent. Want to go on a date?
18
George Luke
16 May 2010 00:39
Yep have been on this site for 6 months or so,and have had the unexpected disapearances!Great dates,but 4 definite players.Fortunately,I have just started messaging a new lass,and she wants to take things nice and slow.You never know she might be the one!
19
cris
16 May 2010 07:46
also been played by a man l met here who could not get his hands off me. we had two dates because we live so much far from each other. on the first day we made love several times that i even lost count.followed
by mind blowing emails and texts. were even discussing moving in together.second time it was the same thing as we missed each other badly. he even cried when l boarded the train back to where l live. there wasn’t a day that went by without him telling me how much he loves and misses me.he was even emailing my children giving them advice on about anything they wanted to know showing how much he cares. then one day he decided to go quite,l emailed, texed, no replies. when l tried to call him, he went ”l’m busy at the can l call you back” that will take onother 2days to call or l’ll end up calling again. l am so heart broken up because this is the man l trusted and never thought he will treat me this way. don’t trust anyone no-mater how genuine they claim.
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21
Cris
23 May 2010 10:44
In general this article is fairly spot on, I would take issue with one point though. I think that you always send some form of communication saying that you don’t wish to take things further. It doesn’t cost much and it stops any doubts for the other person.
As it says treat others as you would like to be treated, the abscence of an answer is not a definite answer in the first place.
True you don’y owe it, but in this life it shouldn’t be about doing the minimum you have to, it should be about raising the game and being decent.
Good correspondence everyone.
22
Chris
23 May 2010 12:57
I had an extended email & text session with the lady, who for want of a better phrase said she wanted me sexually & we had “text sex”. In terms of our emotional/spiritual values we seemed to be 100%. However, when we finally met up I wasn’t so sure, & neither was she as our alter ego’s had been playing the game. I’d say more hers, but takes 2 to tango. A shame, as I think we did have an emotional connection as we’d talked frankly about our pasts & fears for future.
I think many people on these sites, whilst you can see details of others & get to natter about things, are not fully certain if they want to find a soul-mate. There are many different stages – from just wanting a friend to wanting a “relationship” but keeping independance to full on marriage. I’ve got to the stage of my life now where I’d like a “relationship” with someone, but each keeping their own life they’ve built (home etc). The older you get the less you want to change hence getting involved can be more difficult. The “should I let you in” scenario. But to all I say – be true to yourself & any dates you meet.
23
Jane
29 May 2010 22:00
Interesting article! Could it be that 1/3 of people on internet sites arent even officially single? Or are probably dating lots of people, the grass is always greener, supposedly, hence why they internet date for years and stay single!!!
Number one is the key – emotional imaturity. Women show men more respect in this area.Its a matter of courtesy and good manners to simply call someone or in the worst case scenario send a text message. If you’ve seen him or her for a few dates why is it that people are unable to be polite enough to have that conversation? EVen after one date, it is polite to send a brief text and that would be acceptable. Whatever happened to good manners? Women hate loose ends, like lids put on boxes and like explanations, lets face it! It takes nothing and solves a lot of problems and upset to provide those. Most women like neat endings, we want to be friends with you – even only if its said and we actually have no intention of keeping in touch.But we’d like that option. The most important differentiation is that women like and need closure. Most of all we like manners, decency and respect. We show as much to you, the same should be returned. Who would want to date someone with such disregard and bad manners anyway? Easy said I know! What amazes me is how after a lengthy period of 2 years or so you can get an ‘over’ text and then they ignore your replies and requests for closure. Its easy to talk it through and make someone feel ok about it. Its not necessary to make someone else feel unnecessarily worse than they probably already do. Someone said about a disposable society….sadly that attitude is all too true. Good luck! Be honest…talk…when they wont talk/reply to you they have made a decision…dont keep texting they have made a decision…you want to tell them how you feel..do but never send it…save to drafts!!!! Self preservation and hold your head high. You are better than they are…. trust me!xx
24
Madgesmum
7 June 2010 18:06
I was considering signing up to e-harmony – my friends are very keen for me to give it a try but,to be honest, having read all the above I am having second thoughts.
25
JACKY
24 June 2010 10:08
Caroline 17. You read my mind!! Nice one Mike!
26
P
17 July 2010 22:19
What I don’t understand is when a match stops communication with you after a date but still keeps checking your profile. I would much prefer that they had the strength of their convictions. If I am not the one then stop checking me out. And yes I know that I could close them and I often have. Has anyone else had this experience?
27
O
16 August 2010 23:26
Have been seeing a guy here for a few months. He’s very sweet and caring which made me really fell for him. However things changed and he seems to have a lot of other activities to do and hardly making time for me. I questioned about it and he told me he decided to end it because he thinks he’s not emotional mature to commit to a relationship. I was left furious and hurt! I just found it difficult to trust men again!
28
Steve
25 August 2010 23:00
get over it and why on earth does that mean you wouldn’t be able to trust a man again? dont carry the baggage and start fresh with your next man.
29
eliza
9 September 2010 12:57
At least most of you were told! I was with someone for over 6 years and then one day he stopped texting, wouldn’t answer his phone etc. So upsetting.
However when he tried to get in touch 3 months later it was his turn to get cold shoulder. However it has affected any future relationships I have had.. I think even the decent ones will do the same thing and in fact its started to happen again!
30
J
12 September 2010 18:45
I have been in the same position too. I don’t understand why men seem to think that just because you have met on a dating web site common curtesy can go out of the window. I went on a date with a match and everything seemed fine we even ended the date with a kiss which he initiated, he even carried on texting me afterwards . Then I checked my facebook account a couple of days later and he had deleted me. I was dumbstruck. I text him to say I understood he was no longer interested and was sorry he felt he could not tell me rather than me find out that way, which just seemed cruel. Needless to say I didn’t get a response. It is just rude and it doesn’t take much to even send a simple text saying thanks but no thanks. What bothers me is I have no idea what went wrong. Could it be possible we all dated the same man lol.
31
Geoff
14 September 2010 15:20
Lots of interesting stuff here. Like most people I expect good manners and even after one date want to be told why I am getting the brush off. I have recieved a good number of ice breakers and where appropriate I have told every one why I don’t want to take it further. I had been chatting to someone who appeared warm and genuine and received plenty of encouragement to meet up. We had a great 1st date and talked and laughed all evening. She instigated swapping phone numbers and we agreed to meet for a movie a few days later. The usual texting back and forth followed with very positive messages. On Monday I get a message ” I’m not into this dating thing, think your great but I’m going to cancel my e-H membership and can’t see you. My fault not yours ” I’m left feling like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. Now I almost can’t be bothered to continue with e-H. I am a self-motivated guy with a good social life and no financial worries. What made me think I needed a woman to complete my life !!!
32
Steve, Manchester
15 September 2010 09:03
Geoff – sounds like a girl who isn’t over an ex ie. her head isn’t straight. Loads do this – join a site when on the rebound or trying to get over someone or not quite sure if the previous relationship is over. You had a lucky escape – who wants to be with someone who treats you like this? I’ve had it happen to me loads of times and what annoys me is I don’t like people wasting my time and you can’t win with people like this – they are clearly selfish and ignorant. Even if you texted back to her saying “that’s a bit weird” – I have had the response “yeah I know I am”
If you didn’t ask – in future – always ask questions about when their last relationship ended – by email you may get the truth – in person after a bit of wine in her you’ll get the reality. In one case a girl told me “3 months ago” then in person after wine “last week” – I then asked “did you sleep with him?” the reply was “yes”! shocking!
33
Steve, Manchester
15 September 2010 09:06
J – you want manners – you want a text saying “thanks but no thanks”. I think you need to accept the reality – it rarely happens so when you meet people, until you’ve known them for a while don’t invest much emotionally and expect rejection to be dished out without tact when it’s early days.
34
J
15 September 2010 18:27
Steve- you are probably right about me accepting the reality of dating. Fortunately /unfortunately I have not had much experience of it in the past. I have only been on the site for a couple of weeks so I went into the whole thing with my eyes closed and maybe thought naively I would find my ideal match straight away lol. I had just felt a bit stupid by it all. Luckily I think I am a little more hardened to take the next bout of rejection that will most likely come my way
35
Geoff
16 September 2010 13:26
J – Unfortunately I probably made the same mistake as you in terms of naivety. I have only been on e-H for a month and I guess, as Steve has suggested, I need to remain less emotionally involved in the beginning. Although I have a busy and rewarding life I realise now how vulnerable online dating makes you.
36
Celticgirl
19 September 2010 12:36
I’m so glad it’s not just me who has been through this. If a guy has slept with you, they should have the decency to at least communicate an ending, rather than pretending to be busy or unavailable. I thought e-harmony was meant to be for serious relationships but so far I have only met a player who was separated and talked about his “ex” wife’s breast feeding! In fact, I’m wondering why I am so hurt that he cut off contact in a kind of game.. pretending he was going to phone and then not.. on four occasions! It has put me off men and relationships for life!! Why wasn’t he honest enough at the beginning to say that he was only after one thing.. there are plenty of other sites that are designed for that.. so why be a wolf in sheep’s clothing?! Why pick on someone naive who hoped for a million times better?
37
J
19 September 2010 21:15
Geoff- You sound like a decent bloke, who like me is looking for that someone special (I honestly think there are a lot on here who just enjoy the chase) and although I agree with Steve that I need to accept matches are going to cut contact without tact in the early stages, the one thing I don’t agree with is not to get emotionally involved. I really think to be able to find out if someone is right for you and you to them emotion has to play a part otherwise it would be like attending a job interview. (and how boring would that be). Don’t change what your doing as the right lady is out there and she will accept you for you not someone eharmony tells you to be. Good luck with your future dates and I am sure a lovely lady will snap you up soon. x
38
Amy
17 October 2010 15:31
I really felt sad for Lizzie, hope things are much better now. Ive been very down in the past when someone I was dating just disappeared on me after telling me he couldnt be in a relationship as he felt too hurt by his ex girlfriend. For awhile we stayed intouch and I was very understanding,I thought with patience and time things could work out as I really did like him. Anyway all contact stopped, I texted once afew weeks later and never got a reply. Afew months past and after some facbook snooping I found out he was loved up and in a relationship despite telling me how scared he was of being close to anyone again etc. What im trying to say is, its better to let people just disappear, dont waste energy trying to work out why it will drive you mad. Have faith that a better man will come a long.
39
Steve, Manchester
8 November 2010 22:32
Amy is so right. All it will do is upset you and drive you mad chasing after a dead end no hoper.
40
lizzy
19 March 2011 19:15
Cris, are you out of your mind – sex, considering moving in together, giving him access to your children – someone you’ve met twice? Maybe you’ve been really hurt in the past but for god’s sake, get some respect for yourself. You don’t need a relationship, you need therapy.