18 May 2010
Three things men find irresistible in a relationship
by eHarmony
Most men respond well to certain attitudes in women – we reveal three of these attitudes and how you can adopt them to get that ‘irresistible factor’.
There isn’t a set formula for making a man fall for you – after all, if this were the case, we’d be out of a job. But there are some ways to portray yourself that men will almost certainly find very attractive. And conversely some attitudes that are a complete turn off.
It’s likely you’ve had a great relationship with a man, felt him pulling away, and have done everything you can to pull him back. And it’s also likely that that strategy backfired. The fact is that women often try to draw men back to them by being extra nice, doing them favours, being very emotional – and this just turns men off.
The reason behind this is simple: If a man isn’t feeling it, anything you do to force him to feel it will result in a negative reaction.
However, if you employ one of the attitudes we’ll go into below you have a good chance of becoming one of those women that attract men with seemingly no effort. OK, it’s not a magic formula, but you’ll have seen some of these in action before:
1. I control my own love life
The woman who has this attitude doesn’t wait for a man to deliver what she wants in her romantic life. She goes looking for what she wants and doesn’t settle for second best. This engenders respect in men – they will either be inspired by this enough to want to be with you, or they will pull away because you’re not looking for what they want. Either way there is clarity about expectations, and no room for confusion.
2. My happiness comes before my need to be in a relationship
Or put another way, ‘I’d break up with someone, rather than let them make me unhappy.’ Doormats aren’t attractive, men like a woman who can stand up for herself.
This woman won’t stay in a relationship that’s abusive, degrading or morally questionable. She also won’t put up with bad behavior from a man. Integrity and trust are important to her, and she lets him know that.
3. I’ll let a man have his own life
The attractive woman knows that the worst thing you can do to a man is try to cage him and change him. Many women forget that men are humans with their own interests who should be free to make their own decisions. Try and force a man to do what you want and you’ll get the opposite reaction.
By adopting these attitudes, a man will feel more open (i.e. be less likely to get weird with you) when you let him know how you feel about your relationship. This will be because he feels like he wants to forge this deep connection with you, rather than that he’s being forced to.
> Coming soon: Three things women find irresistible in a relationship
1
fire7
29 May 2010 08:00
all points have some weight of value but i felt point 3 has the most bearing.
i feel just as the lads have a regular lads night out we empresses should likewise have regular night together.i always like to be in a relationship whereby my partner sees and understands that need-after all we had friendships before we met them and we came into the world alone!!
2
bea turner
15 June 2010 07:55
very good sound ,some points clarified my own,feel reassured that my thoughts are clear & make sense.
3
babs
12 September 2010 14:38
agree with all the above but there’s 2 in a relationship and if you are prepared to let your partner do his/her “own thing” then he/she should be “ditto”!!
4
h
17 October 2010 19:25
Number 2 is just crazy. Men like women who do for them. It’s a traditional thing that’s been going on for thousands of years. Headstrong (read arrogant/selfish/stubborn) women are a huge turn off.
5
Pete
5 November 2010 05:38
I admit it’s impossible to generalize but don’t listen to 1 & 2 ladies. I can tell this was actually written by a woman because this is exactly what they want
We do not want to date Virgina Woolf.
6
Steve, Manchester
6 November 2010 20:13
I don’t know why you disagree with point 2, I think I’d find a woman less attractive if she was a doormat and put up with abusive relationships.
7
Shirley
14 November 2010 11:50
Thanks Pete. I’d be proud to be Virginia Woolf but I think you’ve expressed the views of many men for whom strong, opinionated, feisty women are far too scary. Most men appear to like simple comforts and to know their place in the world.
Relationships are evolving and it may take centuries for the sort of person I am to “fit” as far as men are concerned. I’m cerebral and well-read so need a soul mate who values my erudition as I would value his. Just because I am strong-minded doesn’t make me stubborn or unwilling to hear a counter argument. You can’t change someone else, only yourself.
8
H
14 November 2010 15:51
Well said Shirley
9
Roddy
14 November 2010 18:50
I Have to say i find opinionated fiesty and extremely well educated women an instant attraction and turn on.It’s so refreshing to be challenged and have a relationship with a smart and articulate woman!!For me it’s a life blood of a relationship it keeps the whole whing dynamic and alive.
10
Steve, Manchester
15 November 2010 22:39
yes me too. a woman with direction and personality is a major attraction.
11
Cat
16 November 2010 11:55
“Men like women who do for them.”
H can I suggest you get back in your time machine and go back to the 1950s. Believe it or not, women weren’t put on this earth to cook, clean and service men.
12
Ayrshire Girl
26 November 2010 18:44
Cat, I completely agree…H needs to get a grip!the older generations’ relationships lasted because men tended to be the breadwinners and the women looked after the home. Even if they were miserable, the women,probably stayed in their relationships because they had no independance and couldn’t afford to go it alone. However, times have changed and there are more divorces now because there are alot of independant women who have their own incomes who won’t put up with being treated like slaves/doormats… Myself included…When both work then neither should expect the other one to be doing everything in the house. Equality after all! Although, there will be plenty of women out there who are happy to stay at home and cook and clean and not do much else with their lives,a ‘stepford wife’springs to mind…and there will be plenty of guys who will be happy with that type of woman….H.,good luck with your search on this site…I’m suspecting most of the women on here are professional, intelligent, confident and certainly won’t be walked over easily….phew rant over…lol
13
Ashley
3 January 2011 21:47
The above points ring very true for myself. I’m 22 and want to live an exciting life with a partner who can keep up, that certainly won’t be satisfied by a “stay-at-home” gal that will let me tread all over her. I want someone I can bounce off and who can bounce off me (in an emotional and intellectual sense people!!), someone who is willing to have a go at bungie jumping and skiing and all the other stupid things I love to try. With this will come someone who can give as much as she gets in any situation including our relationship, but who also knows that we need SPACE TO BE OURSELVES in order to have fun TOGETHER.
I think any bloke hoping to find a “door-mat” on here will be disappointed as I think it takes more gusto as a female to put yourself on these sites as opposed to males.
However in the end if we all looked for the same things and all acted the same the world would be flippin’ boring, so good luck to you all in whatever you are looking for.
14
Lynn
9 January 2011 04:10
I have to say I think you can get a good balance by being both intelligent and a woman … some independance is attractive … I am looking for a real man so don’t think being too independant would work in the long term.We all love a RomCom and over the years this formula seems to work … If you let it happen.
15
Rye
13 January 2011 07:07
It’s a generic article which applies to most people (not just guys). I can’t imagine anyone being satisfied in a relationship with an unhappy spineless partner who tries to cage him or her.
16
Raisha
14 January 2011 16:03
I don’t know why people have a problem with these points. These are generalised suggestions which are for men and women. A true relationship involves give and take from both partners. Yes some situations or areas in a relationship may be best suited for a man but the same applies for a woman. My personnal opinion is that it doesn’t matter whether a couple believe in traditional values or modern day values, as long as they are both happy with their relationship then good for them!
xxx
17
Emily
18 January 2011 12:16
So, I am one who abides by all three, but still can’t seem to find a guy who is interested…?
18
Luke
31 January 2011 10:21
“Believe it or not, women weren’t put on this earth to cook, clean and service men”
<in Homer style moan voice) Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
19
Katie
6 February 2011 20:41
Roddy and Steve
You guys are rare exceptions! I am glad to see that such exceptions still exist at all!!
Men in general like to be challenged by a women only when they know that they can’t lose, which is not necessarily the case when they are facing a well educated and articulate one.
20
Jo
7 February 2011 23:41
I’ve found that a lot of men still dont like a woman to be too independant, I’ve dated to many men that have assumed because of my height and looks that im going to be this docile obedient person, they seem to find themselves amazed when I have opinions of my own and am capable of expressing myself.
I also still find myself amazed with how many men have an issue if a woman earns more than them? Anybody else experience that?
21
kate
27 March 2011 23:33
Iagree that a lot of men want to be looked after and don’t like independent women who are capable,courageous and earn more money. I feel sorry for them because they are missing out on the opportunity of self- growing and developing a rewarding relationship with somebody to walk the paths of life with as an equal.
However I must say we are all human beings and it’s no good generalizing as I know a lot of men who want a partner in every sense not a second mother, a servant or a doormat.Cheers to those men, the world needs more of them.
22
John
9 May 2011 19:45
I agree with these points. If the woman isn’t following 1 & 2 then they can end up treating the man like a pseudo-father figure. A husband/partner isn’t meant to be that! And he can’t either, so you’ll end up with an unsatisfying relationship that stops you from growing by keeping you dependant. (Any man who likes you treating him like a father-figure isn’t going to treat you well.)
23
kat
15 May 2011 12:05
There’s one point these guys forgot to mention…and I do think it applies to all men (well and at times women too), which is about ALWAYS going after someone for their looks!!! You women are truly inspirational because I share these views, especially in this ever-evolving day and age, women are more independent and opinionated, but this doesn’t mean they’re selfish, because take a look back in time and that’s exactly how men were/some still are. Bottom line is if someone can’t look beyond the surface and appreciate your true attributes and qualities then they are just NOT worth the time or emotional investment ladies!!
24
bill from gravesend
15 May 2011 13:37
there are no tips that will help you act your way to getting a man/woman.all any of us should do is be ourselves no acting in a certain way, if we want to find that special person they need to see the real us not us on good behavior and being careful to say the right thing. just be yourself .
25
Ags
28 May 2011 21:14
Thanks Bill@24, I really like your comment -IT IS SOOOO TRUE!!
26
Eric
12 June 2011 21:02
Kat at 23 I cannot agree with you enough. My partner and I have absolutely no male/female roles we both just work together to make things work. I can’t see the point me sitting about with a woman working when if we both work together stuff gets sorted out between us we both get things fixed quicker and we can spend time together – which is after all what we’re both after. I don’t need a mum, sister, slave etc etc I want an equal. I love a woman who is equal, don’t bother about her being taller, stronger, earning more or anything else like that I’m just looking for someone caring loving and expect to give at least as much as I get. I iron, cook, clean, wash etc etc and don’t see why that should make me sound special. All guys should be like that and if you’re not you don’t know what you are missing and how liberating it is for both a relationship or you and more especially your partner. Shame on you in the 21st century if you don’t want an equal. And yes I still manage to spoil and be spoiled, bring flowers home for no reason and without it being a special occasion or because I’m in the bad books. I’ve always been like that and I’m 52 now so it aint a generation thing either.
C’mon guys waken up to the 21st century and more important what you’re issing out on.
I love a woman who is my equal and is strong, independant but still likes me being polite, opening doors and to me men should have changed to be like women not women changing to be more selfish and more like men (ie:girl racers, girl thugs etc) the guys should have gone up to womens standards not the other way round but Kat you have it bang on
27
Jill
12 September 2011 16:46
Eric, you must be one of a rare breed, hope your partner appreciates you.
28
Susan
7 November 2011 01:25
I have no interest to be one of these woman who does not have a role in their relationship
I want to be the womam things
And my man to be a man to do the man things
Then we can join forces together when we have to .
29
KLAATO
13 November 2011 12:07
bill from gravesend
15 May 2011 13:37
there are no tips that will help you act your way to getting a man/woman.all any of us should do is be ourselves no acting in a certain way, if we want to find that special person they need to see the real us not us on good behaviour and being careful to say the right thing. just be yourself .
Agreed Bill, but, women are pretty shrewd on the whole, they have this uncanny ability to see right through our so called ‘Good Behaviour’, they see the ‘Real Us’ right away!
KEN LONDON
30
sannie
7 January 2012 17:01
I don’t think we should be following any rules, be your self not everyone will click hence we are all different and find different things attractive. I feel that eveyone should be individual in a relationship which includes time for personal growth which includes personal space. After all who wants to be glued to each other it also give you plenty to talk about when you meet up. Trying new things with each other is always a plus life is for living after all.
31
Kristiyan
10 April 2012 11:12
I think the most irresistible thing that one women can do in a relationship is putting an effort in sex. diversifying things that will keep the men happy and always trying new things. This is keeping me very happy with the girl I am with now.
32
thepeacehappiness
18 April 2012 12:20
what about not nagging, that is surely NO1 turn-off women can commit, it should be a crime.
33
Jack
17 June 2012 11:10
Kristiyan @31. That sounds like an ‘it’s about her keeping me happy’ statement – lucky girl!
34
John
28 June 2012 06:51
Well, 1 & 2 are both utter tripe. If it’s one thing men are sick to the back teeth of it’s all these “strong, independent women” with their ridiculously unrealistic standards. How about just being pleasant company and behaving in an honest and straightforward manner?
35
C
11 November 2012 10:21
I think all men want to date women who are like their mums. So if a mans mum has cooked, cleaned, ironed etc… For him the chances are that what he is expecting. But that’s a little detail surely if you fall for someone all logic goes out the window doesn’t it ?
But then what do I know! I went on literally my first date ever a few weeks ago and we were talking for hours. He held my hand. We shared a kiss and now he messages me every other week but hasn’t confirmed date two!
I’m guessing there won’t be another.
Have got another date now, hope it goes better!
Men are very confusing!
36
S
4 January 2013 18:40
A lot of the above comments seem suffused, ironically, with a lack of respect for men! It seems that some consider it perfectly fine to generalise about guys. Strong women are “scary”and have evolved beyond men according to one poster! Another has men willing to be challenged by a woman only when they can’t lose. Or we want to date our mothers apparently…. *rolls eyes*
Ladies, would you be happy to be written off so comprehensively as a sex? I hope not.
As a man in the UK in 2013 it sometimes feels like women have incredibly high expectations of men, but perhaps don’t consider what they are bringing to the relationship! I hate being prejudged and pigeon holed as much as any woman does. But come on girls, do into others as you would have done to yourselves. If you want respect – treat men with a bit more respect! Many of us are NOT animals/cavemen/useless! We are as complex and interesting as you are – in over words, very! Men seem to be increasingly portrayed as hapless and thick in the media and in advertising, which does not help.
At the end of the day we are all individuals, male or female. If we are transparent and honest and real with one another we won’t go far wrong. But get down off your high horses and meet us on the ground.
And yes, I know I too have generalised somewhat above!
37
advice
20 January 2013 17:46
The one about letting your man have his own life is so important. If he knows from the start that there will be no sly comments when he wants to go out with his friends occasionally, it can really help the relationship bloom.
38
Daria
11 May 2013 17:34
In response to no 7: ‘You can’t change anyone else, only yourself’. If you change your own behaviour, then the other person has no option but to change so as to adapt to the change in you (rather like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle). It is the dynamic between two people that counts.