Dating and relationship advice you can really believe in.

I always give someone my undivided attention when dating – meaning that I don’t multidate and make it clear that is what I’m doing. However, I have just finished dating a guy who seemed really nice and told me we were in a relationship only to find that he was seeing (and sleeping with !) other women the whole time – ouch ! that really hurts. If he had been honest from the start I could have made a decision as to whether to carry on seeing him or not, but he LIED ! Seeing other people may be ok but not sleeping with several people – not good for body or mind, so grow up fellas !

‘Experienced’ is the female version of a ‘cad’. No intention of making a real commitment, even after months, or even years, of being a ‘couple’. A woman who wants guys to compete over her is shallow and, in my experience, not worth getting hot under the collar about. Best look for someone who is not continually looking to see if the grass is greener elsewhere. You will always be at stress level and on the back foot. And don’t think you can change these sort of people; they have this innate notion that they are ‘Gods gift’ to the opposite sex, and that you should always be competing with other ‘possibles’. You will probably find them ‘just mentioning’ that so-and-so has done – this or that – for their partner, hinting that you should do the same. Come bad times when you should stick together, and they will be off.

Helen – sounds like you had a lucky escape – best you found out sooner rather than later what kind of man that bloke was.

I always ensure I am dating multiple people at a time unless there has been a specific discussion about exclusivity. I think this is really healthy — otherwise there is the temptation to fixate on one person and overlook major flaws just through the desire to be with someone. I want to get to know someone, think of them as a friend and be on several dates with them and compare them to other men before I consider getting serious or taking myself off the market. Right now I am talking with 6 guys through eharmony and am dating two of them — haven’t decided if either of the two is the right one to commit to and it will take a few more dates before I know.

After a few dates and especially if things get more intimate, I would value exclusivity, Unfortunately, I have had a rotten experience of meeting lovely guy, falling for his charms and only realising after things had got intimate that he had moved on and was dating new people. He didn’t even have the guts to dump me! …just left me dangling on a string…. guess he wasn’t so “lovely” afterall!

I have met a few eharmony matches for what may be refered to as a date, I think of it as meeting to see what they’re like. Each time I’ve always got on well and had a laugh and felt comfortable enough to share my emailaddress or phone number. Only one though did I see again becuase there was “something”. We continued to date and after a few dates I didn’t see any other matches, the date had I thought turned into a relationship..
Except it tuned out he was squeezing in lunch and the odd evening with other women who were just women, just meeting up. I asked straight up if his words ‘I’m lucky to have you’, ‘you are the most gorgeous woman I’ve met’ were just lines. He said not. I guess I clicked onto this article because I don’t understand why, if he’s so happy with his luck, why does he feel the need to keep his eye on the market/field? Almost time for me to leave him to it I suppose. Sad. It’s been fun, intimate, friendly, serious, light, tears, laughs, a lot of sharing – the basis for a fabulous long term relationship .. that he hasn’t been honest enough to say he doesn’t want. Good luck everyone!

I am with Helen 100% on this one.If I start to date someone,then I concentrate on them and them alone 100%.I would expect whoever I was starting to date to do likewise and if it wasn’t right for either party,and I would think that you should know after a couple of dates if this is so,then move on.I feel sorry for Helen that some rat from the sewer was dating and sleeping with other women and I say good on you for dumping him,and if you are reading this I hope you find someone genuine like yourself who will give you his undivided attention.

Robert – it’s good to know there are men out there who show respect for women!

Robert – “If I start to date someone,then I concentrate on them and them alone 100%.I would expect whoever I was starting to date to do likewise and if it wasn’t right for either party,and I would think that you should know after a couple of dates if this is so,then move on”

sometimes it’s not as black and white as Robert’s world. I have dated girls who only want to date once a week, hardly flirt or are completely hard work to get any kind of signs of interest, take upto 18 hours to reply to a text – ie. come across very stand offish. The last one, when I went to kiss her at the end of the evening she kissed me but it was a bit half hearted. She still continued to text me the next day. I couldn’t seriously make myself exclusive to that girl and not make plans to meet another girl for a drink.

So I suppose it’s how you define “start to date” – perhaps it’s at the point when it gets serious.

Steve my fellow Mancunian,I actually know what you mean when you say you have dated girls who are only available once a week.I dated a girl from Warrington last year and she was only available once a week and was never available at weekends,it was either weddings in Liverpool,Chester,Sheffield or Warwickshire.It took her ages to respond to my texts,probably because she was in my opinion multidating.Of course with the benefit of hindsight,I should have slammed the brakes on at the first sniff of this and told her where to go.
Yet the funny thing is that she a couple of months ago out of the blue sent me a text asking how I was going on and that she had been wondering how I was getting on,even though I erased the number I still recognised it and needless to say I never responded,I thought well you had your chance and you blew it,goodbye.
You say that things are black and white for me,well that is true,and I take what you say as a compliment,because as far as I am concerned,that is how it is,there is no grey area in my book in my professional(especially professional)or personal life.

and I think you shouldn’t impose your will or attempt to impose it on other people so just because you think “Sex is only appropriate within a long-term, respectful, loving and settled relationship ” – doesn’t mean you are more or less moral than other people who dont subscribe to your ways.

I think you need to understand, the world is full of varied people who live by their own rules, religions and morals – it is not up to you to judge them and shout “shame on you” if you decide to look down on someone.

I think Steve,Manchester we pretty much agree with each other.People who are like that aren’t worth wasting a single second on and if that is the way they are,then quite frankly in my opinion it is no wonder they are single and deservedly so,and hopefully no one from the opposite sex will touch them with a 26ft bargepole.I want a woman who would make me feel good inside,and likewise I would make them feel the same.Like I say I like to know where I stand with the women that I have dated to the exact inch,so yes it is very much black and white for me,that way of course I can react accordingly and do whatever has to be done.
Hopefully I might meet someone genuine on this site.

…and I forgot to add..he was rarely available as often as once a week.. why didn’t I read the signals of disinterest?…

another thing is, if they aren’t very good at remembering things you did together…. it’s cos when you’re dating more than one person it’s not easy to remember which girl or which bloke they saw a certain film with etc

but as a general rule, the more attention someone pays you and the prompter the text replies, the more focused they are on you. the slower the replies to texts etc then the less focused they are, in which case you have to wonder where their focus is?!

If only there were more women about like Celticgirl and Helen,I wonder why I have been unable to meet someone who is straight and genuine?
It seems to me that the genuine people like Steve(Manchester)Celtic girl and Helen are unfortunately a rarity in society today,and that doesn’t just apply in dating either,it goes across the board in all walks of life.
I think that the reason that you have chancers(and that is the polite version) like the first post(experienced) who seem to think it is ok to multidate and mess people about is because society has created this type of rubbish over the last 40 or so years,and we are now “reaping”the “reward”.That rant is for another forum away from e harmony.

If I were you Bruce,it sounds to me as if you have doubts about this girl,which to be fair to you I think she has put that doubt into your head by the fact that she was seeing others,albeit the other bloke was a prick and she rightly ended it,BUT what if another bloke isn’t where would that leave you?I will tell you,alone so if I were you I would slam the brakes on now,and get rid of her,or to put it another way,do unto her before she does unto you because that I think is where it is heading,sorry to be so blunt but that is unfortunately the only way to deal with this.As a former PM said,there is no alternative.

internet dating is no different from dating in the real world. people will multi date in the real world too and also deceive.

With all this hype about equal rights I think it is shameful that some women still expect a bloke to pay for everything, especially if it is the first time you have met. The least you can do is offer to pay your share.

Re multi dating. I arranged 3 dates with 3 men over a fortnight once, none of whom I’d met before. As it happened I only met each of them once because, as enjoyable as the evening was, there was no chemistry on either side. So, yes, I multi dated and I see nothing wrong with it. If I’d dated them one at a time I could’ve missed out on a date that may have developed into a relationship because they may have got fed up waiting and closed me. If after 2/3 dates I still want to see the man then I stop dating others, unless he makes it clear that he’s also multi dating, then I’ll carry on until we decide either to make the relationship exclusive or go our separate ways.

Bruce, no, you don’t have to decide so early in a relationship, lets face it a couple of dates do not make a relationship. At that stage you’re still getting to know the other person, just be honest with them so they can make the decision whether they want to keep seeing you or not.

Just reread the ‘How long have you been together?’ part. If I’ve been seeing someone a couple of months then by then as far as I’m concerned it’s either an exclusive relationship or the end and move on time.

I met a girl a few months back for a coffee (via that other well know dating site) and I thought we hit it off – she appeared keen and had a bit of a moan about the previous bloke messing her around and not turning up his coffee “date”.

I texted her afterwards saying I’d like to go on a proper date with her – her response was something along the lines of “as I’ve only recently signed up I’ll meet you for a date but I’m intending to meet other men as well”. It annoyed me especially as she’d moaned about being messed about by other men and here I come along, totally genuine and wanting to be a part of her life.

I told her she was very cheeky and to forget it and that I was deleting her number immediately and that her approach will be rejected by any man worth his salt.

I suppose it depends on the approach but from my viewpoint dating is expensive so if someone says they want to date me but want to see if there’s someone else they prefer so they intend to meet other men, I’d walk away.

I know I’m worth more than that and I don’t think I’d use that approach with a girl and expect her to be flattered.

As for the once a week date lark – it tends to be the pattern of a player especially if your once a week date is very unavailable during the days you don’t see them. I’ve had enough experience to know that this is how players play the system. I’m not suggesting you are one just explaining why I wouldn’t bother with someone like that.

I just wouldn’t risk getting myself hurt by dating someone that standoffish/unavailable – I’d see it as too much of a risk – and if they are that busy then that’s a relationship that doesn’t have a future in my opinion.

The problem is Cat, he may have not known that some people default to “non exclusive” dating. I’ve always assumed, until I read these articles that when I date someone it’s exclusive – so I kind of default to ‘exclusive’. Think about how it must be in his shoes if he goes on dating assuming that you wont be seeing anyone else until you two have seen how things work out?

I’m now starting to think that I have to ask someone if I like them “are we exclusive” which I find a bit bizarre and then risk feeling like crap if they tell me they are seeing other men!

Fair enough. I didn’t cancel the other two dates I’d already set up when I agreed to a second date but I certainly wouldn’t have set up yet another date until after having the second one with him and then only if I’d decided not to continue seeing him.

It’s all down to communication, isn’t it? I feel it’s not unreasonable to multidate in the initial period of a relationship, but this should be made clear to all your dates fairly early on. I think it’s also important to let your date know why you are dating – to find an LTR, a potential wife, or just have fun with a ‘party girl’. This also affects the morality of multidating.
I say, talk openly and honestly. Don’t lie, don’t conceal anything. But don’t be suckered. It’s a fine line.

Ebony, Yes, these comments are hugely informative, aren’t they.

This pro-active dating approach sounds sensible Enony. However, it makes me nervous when a man I like is using this multi-dating/whittling down style with me. My fear of rejection gets in the way of seeing him as he is. Maybe that’s why it is occasionally an effective method to find a partner.
We all want love and everyone has their natural methods to finding a partner which may have worked in the past. I think the thing that works here is up-front integrity and trusting your instincts.

When I have pro-actively multi-dated with integrity, picking up the tab, telling my date I am looking for a partner and dating a few to find The Man, I have had met sincere men who became great friends. I did not fancy these men, but I admired them, enjoyed their company. Was I in to much of a rush and therefor didn’t meet a lover? Don’t know. This time I am dating one man at a time and talking to a few. I do want an exclusive boy friend,lover. There are tons of good men out there who really want a decent relationship. It’s the fancy factor which is lacking, which is why I continue to search.

How do you handle the situation where a new date wants to meet your friends. And you have no friends because they all sided with your ex regardless of how the previously ended