9 May 2011
10 facts you should never share on a first date
by eHarmony
Has your big mouth landed you into trouble on yet another date? Thinking of joining Oversharers Anonymous? Or just wondering how to stop yourself putting your foot in it? If you answered 'yes' to any of those questions this gallery is for you.
"My last relationship was a complete failure."
Picture 1 of 10
First dates should be all about looking forward, not harking back. If you go on about your last failed relationship, chances are your date will either be bored stiff or plain horrified. They might also wonder if you really are ready to move on. On a similar note, resist the temptation to recount terrible date stories; your date might start to think the issue lies with you more than anyone else if you tell too many…
1
kat
15 May 2011 11:56
Right, this is a load of crap. Sorry but I’d rather keep it real from the beginning than start off on a farce THEN let someone see me for who i really am. You may as well be who you are from the inside right from the start and if your “date” judges you harshly then it just speeds up the disappointment of investing yourself into that person when inevitably it’s bound to happen anyway, so you may as well get it out right at the start. Also, I have opened up a lot on a first couple of dates with this guy and it has brought us both much closer together, because it’s about being honest but also having fun, not just one or the other – there are no set rules!! No point starting off with superficial things!!
Hope this helps to those in doubt
2
Teresa
15 May 2011 19:47
the only one i am guilty off is sleeping with the man on the first date easy come easy go so they say and i won,t be making that mistake again!
3
S
15 May 2011 21:51
Ah im guilty of a couple of the above. Although, in defence I bought up such subjects with those I didnt see going anyway.
)
4
Jill
16 May 2011 12:46
In response to Kat’s comments (eHarmony). I do more or less agree with her. I have been on a couple of reputable sites for a few months at a time over recent years, and have found in my case that being myself has proved to be the best option. Men have respected and appreciated my openness and honesty. I dn’t play mind games or preend to be anything other than who I am. What would be the point longterm?! I have spoken with and/or met guys who look nothing like their photgraph(s) or who tell me as we get to know each other a bit better that they have actually knocked more than a few years off their age. Trust and respect is instantly lost for my part, you can’t build any sort of relationship on a foundation of lies! Overall, I have to say my experiences have been positive and would do it again. I have met some very interesting people. Good luck, enjoy and be aware.
5
reg
17 May 2011 20:38
Good tips. Makes sense.
6
David
18 May 2011 10:49
Must agree with Kat there.
Have met this wonderful lady and right from the off we talked about our ex’s and got it out of the way and as long as you don’t drone on and on it can really bring you closer as you are being honest.
so yes by all means talk about your past, just don’t moan and keep it light!
7
Jude
7 June 2011 12:19
I must say, I completely agree with Kat and David, being honest is so important and being yourself even more so.. otherwise, really, what’s the point?
8
Kite
10 August 2011 22:26
Is so good to be honest with one another cos honesty is the best key in life n it brings happiness
9
Rob
19 August 2011 17:28
This article is great for those who have trouble knowing where the ‘line’ is on what to talk about.
The main theme to take away is to put your best foot forward on a first date, as this IS when you both judge the other and decide if you want to see the person again. No sence making it harder for yourself.
Also it’s worth remembering that you are not being decietful, the other person has likely not told you every single bad habbit or personality trait they have either. This is the enjoyment of new relationships, finding out all the things you love about another person is just as important as dicovering the things you aren’t so crazy about.
10
mitch
9 October 2011 04:36
i think its good to talk about your past as this is part of your life that moulded you of who you are now. learn from the experience but don’t live with it
11
Susanne
18 October 2011 11:32
I would say honesty is the best policy.It’s best for someone to know from the start who you are than reveal when love bloomsom, When you start telling the lies, there may be doupts of your future
12
johnmack
13 November 2011 11:42
i’ve met people who seem to have their minds filled with thoughts of their past so much so that they are hardly in the present at all. Being fully present on a date giving the other person your full attention and not being critical of anything, will enhance an evening to such an extent,that you will soon want this to become second nature.The past is just the past it no longer exists..
13
Valerie
13 November 2011 13:22
I agree honesty is the best policy. When you are talking about something the odds on you having done, or been there with an ex is pretty high, so somewhere along the line you will say oh I went there with whoever at least the person will know it was your ex and hopefully have no problems with it. The hardest is trust, I would say this would take a lot longer.
14
Paula
21 November 2011 20:30
I recently went on a date where he bragged about how much he earned when he first left university – which was over 10 years ago, so totally irrelevant if you ask me, so I agree that discussing money on a first date is in poor taste. He also randomley dropped into the conversation that he’d smoked drugs in a cafe in Amsterdam, as if I would find this cool and exciting, it had the complete opposite effect, I just felt embarrassed for him, definately not appropriate info for a first date!
15
Stephanie
11 December 2011 15:14
Paula, the exact same thing happened to me as well. He bragged that when he left uni 10 years ago he started earning a lot of money and always has done since. He also worked in Amsterdam for a bit and took drugs in a cafe whilst over there. I wonder if we dated the same guy lol. The thing is he turned out to be an unpleasant character that just disappeared after 4 dates. Never returned calls and went very cold on me. I racked my brain for days trying to work out what I’d done!
16
Jason
16 December 2011 02:03
I totally agree that the best way forward is truth and honesty. The past can have a nasty habit of popping up when least expected and biting you on the bum. I have met someone of here, straight away (worth the money anyway) and we have been nothing but honest with each other. We have done nothing but laughed, felt for each other and behaved like a pair of teenagers, perfect……
17
Katherine
18 December 2011 19:27
I agree that honesty is the best policy but also discerning when to talk about certain subjects is also important.
Some people find it easier than others to open up and it may take longer for some people than for others.
18
Robert
7 February 2012 20:34
Sorry! You need to be honest right from the start, otherwise the date won’t move forward. I personally hate lies and would like any date I meet to open up. Do this in a light way, but get rid of the baggage, then move on.
19
Barbara
12 February 2012 16:58
Very good information. We all need advice.
20
Barbara
12 February 2012 17:03
Excellant to know where we are all coming from.
21
David
12 February 2012 23:23
It must be an awful putoff on a first date to be given lots of details about previous dates or relationships. OK say you have been involved in the past but then say that is the past. If pressed perhaps comment briefly, but do not put down previous people. A new date will mentally wonder if this is what is in your mind about your current date.
You have to realise that you are trying to “sell” yourself to this person you have just met, and show what a wonderful interesting person you are and how great it would be to be involved with you.
Of course within minutes you might realise the person opposite you is not for you, in which case you need to tactfully bring the date to a close fairly quickly, but never, never put the person down. Treat him/her as you would wish to be treated yourself.
22
Jo
26 February 2012 19:42
Agree honesty is generally the best policy but sometimes it’s good to with hold selected information too.
I recently had a second date where he started to discuss in length, and ask my advice, his hemorrhoids! I said I’d rather not talk about it as it kinda takes away the spark of fancying someone…why doesn’t he speak to his doctor about it? He said it’s too embarrassing to speak to a doctor about, but clearly not too embarrassing to talk about on a second date! Needless to say there wasn’t a third!
23
thepeacehappiness
27 March 2012 16:37
this is like reading some childrens book, why is eh patronizing its customers ??? surely its enough tp say keep it light and fun and positive ???
24
julie
3 April 2012 11:32
I have just joined eHarmony so it’s interesting to read all the above
25
John Ramsbottom
14 April 2012 18:16
Any opinions are interesting. I do still have my own opinion and this can be an informed decision.
26
Erick
15 April 2012 18:35
Without doubt being honest is the best policy. I met with a person from eHarmony and from the get go we have been honest to each other. I believe being honest sets the relationship in the right path. If a person is not honest and I find out that they have been telling me lies from the pit of hell, is gone be hard for me to trust them. I hate lies. People forget we are the products of our past’s good or bad, I do talk about my past.
However, I do not let the past determine my future.
27
Natalia
5 May 2012 06:33
Being negative or spending too much time talking about failed relationships on the first date is not attractive. Once I went on a date with a guy who was talking exclusively about his ex and how nasty she is. All I thought at the time was that I understand the poor woman why she left him…
28
Natasha
13 May 2012 13:31
For me it’s all about balance. We’re all adults, we all have a past and we’re all here looking for a positive future with that special someone – so why play games or paint an inaccurate picture of ourselves? We won’t be doing ourselves or our match any favors – just keep it real!
We also need to balance that with being wise enough to know what needs to be reavealed at what stage of the conversations.
BUT what do you do when a match asks you a question that you’re happy to answer but they totally take it the wrong way and convince themselves you’ve got issues? How do you bring yourself to still remain honest with the next one for fear of being unfairly accused and hurt again? I know eharm urges us not to take things to heart but words hurt – even via email!
29
Ann
19 July 2012 17:38
I have only just joined the e family and agree with telling it as it is. why lie you will get found out…First dates are always tough and yes it is about balance you need to get some of the “Stuff” out of the way and then with luck you can both move forward … That’s what we are all trying to do after all…
30
onmyowntwo
1 August 2012 00:10
I don’t think this article is condoning telling lies, or not telling it like it is, but I think it’s pretty sensible not to share too much information on a first date. Just have fun. My fiance started to tell me about his past relationships after the first few weeks of dating, but I told him to I didn’t really want to know – we act differently with different people – we ARE different with different people. This doesn’t mean we are being dishonest about who we are, but some people bring out different facets of ourselves. My fiance doesn’t know everything about my past – he is just happy with who he’s with now. He doesn’t need to know how I got here. I’m here – that’s all he needs. You don’t need to tell people everything, especially on a first date. You could misjudge a situation and spoil things for yourself by not giving them time to take a breath and assimilate what you’ve told them, and create the wrong impression. You could cause them embarrassment, which isn’t nice. I went for a coffee with one man, about a year ago. It didn’t go well, so I wound the date up early. I didn’t see him again. I was polite but said I didn’t think we were well-suited. The other day, I had a text from him stating that he thinks we should be okay to maybe kiss, now, as we had been seeing each other for twelve months. I’m so glad I hadn’t give him too much information. The people you date for the first time are complete strangers. Don’t forget it.
31
annie j
13 August 2012 23:13
I agree with the article – certainly on the first date I would not want to know, for example, of the ins and outs, ups and downs of their past relationships. The article didn’t say lie or be dishonest, just that the first date be happy, fun and about getting to know each other a little more. If I were on a first date and they started getting all maudlin and talking about why things have failed in the past it would be byeeee!
32
tracy
29 August 2012 07:25
I joined about a couple of weeks ago not something I would normally do and so far what I thought has been correct .the men who start conversation seem to be after sex and nothing else. One guy asked me for a first date and said is it a date or shall we just go to have sex . Charming.not sure really that most of the men on here are just looking for sex with lonely people.
33
Cesca
3 September 2012 00:03
Divulging information on a first date should always be conducted with caution as the other person is a stranger and the majority of us are by nature just too trusting! Have fun, think safe, act safe, be safe! and if you are both going to discuss your ex then fine be respectful to the ex as they are not there to defend themselves, remember it is a onesided opinion about a two sided past relationship! and more important do remember that new person is NOT your ex so cut comparing them or seeking potential unpleasant similarities, trust me being on that receiving end is most unpleasant…. Good luck…
34
Megan
5 September 2012 19:01
I agree with Tracy – have been on here only a week and already had 4 blokes have asked me for sex straight off. We should be able to report people like this.
35
eHarmony
6 September 2012 07:59
Hi Megan,
Thanks for your comment. If you are at all concerned about any of your matches please report them to us at matchconcerns@eharmony.com. Your safety is of the utmost importance to us.
Hope this helps.
Best wishes,
Emily
eHarmony Advice
36
chrissy
25 September 2012 22:54
I have been on here for a few weeks now and have been chatting to some lovely guys, but i know a couple who are older than they say on their profiles. I also agree with Tracy about the lounge lizards who just want sex! Why don’t they join the s**g sites? but no, they don’t want the kind of women that they find there, they want us decent, maybe professional women!
I am not disillusioned though, as i said before, there are a lot of genuine guys on here.
And as for telling all on your first date, i could write a book!
I have been told such crap!
37
Graham
26 September 2012 01:59
Having just read the various and interesting comments from everyone, I was quite disappointed to read the last few, and I’d just like to reassure you that there are fellas like myself that genuinely want to find a loving partner. Don’t get me wrong, I think that we all want a degree of intimacy from that special someone at some point, but that should come later as the relationship grows stronger.
So be patient and don’t be put off – there’s someone out there for you!
38
Aila
13 October 2012 00:36
Thank You for the post,Very usefull
I understood there’s nothing to do with lies,but yes with discretion.By the way the past is past so We have to keep going,and than in the mean time if there’s a chance or if it is really important to talk about the past it’s ok.
What we must understand is that each relationship is quite different and there’s no comparision,so why bring memories that only hurt us and make the conversation very heavy and uninteresting specially on the first date?All of Us really want to turn the page for a new experience and love,isn’t it?
I do!:)
39
Mark
14 October 2012 12:01
Well I guess the article is for people who are new to internet dating. It is roughly right.
Personally I think everyone lies, so I think it’s unrealistic to expect everyone to be 100% honest. I did actually read some where that women tend to lie more as they wish to avoid conflict & don’t like upsetting people – don’t quote me on that !
I have knocked a few years off my age. Personally if I meet someone in a bar I don’t walk up to them & tell them my age. I don’t think it should actually be on there. If they stick around I do tell them. In the job market it is illegal to judge people on age, as one just jumps to conclusions.
Some people have said that men on eharmony are motivated by sex. Actually I’ve often found that to be the case with women. As soon as I mention the word relationship they run for the hills, maybe that’s just me !
I am very upfront & honest initially (ok, except with the age). Actually I give them quite a hard time initially, to see if they will stick around. If they are going to be flaky, I would like to know from the get go.
Doesn’t always make me popular i.e one girl refused to give me her mobile number. Against my better judgement I turned up (never met up with out a mobile number before). She didn’t! Apparently she didn’t like the fact I didn’t agree with her. So sort of proved my point !
Another one wanted to speak to me a few times on the phone before we met up. I mentioned I was busy that week, & didn’t normally do that. She replied by saying my attitude was ridiculous & to delete her number.
For me it’s important to work out who is open to having a conversation & has some level of motivation for a relationship.
So far women have only been interested in a roll in the hay. Which on a personal level doesn’t make one feel great about oneself.
I actually think it’s the men that behave like the traditional way women are portrayed & visa versa. Men are definitely more romantic than women, well certainly the ones I’ve met !
In the modern world, what does a women need one man for ?
40
Anita
12 November 2012 18:54
I’m wondering what’s wrong with my profile as I’m not going on any dates and have little communication. I think I’m quite attractive and interesting so am puzzled about lack of interest.
41
Pat
19 December 2012 21:20
Thanks Anita thought I must be the only one not getting any replies. What do you have to do? Like other people have stated the only one who did communicate started sending messages with sexual content very quickly. Where are the genuine men who want a real relationship?
42
Aftab
30 December 2012 12:46
I find this article, like a lot of the other stuff on this site, to be extremely patronising. The only thing you need is common sense and one needs to play things by ear. I have just joined and it seems to me that this is the “nanny” version of a dating site. It feels as if I ever end up on a date, there will be someone from eHarmony monitoring the date and telling us what to do……..
43
Jon
30 January 2013 19:24
Thanks for all the comments. I am absolutely amazed that some men ask outright about sex. Rest assured ladies, not all men on here are like that. I am chatting to a couple of lovely ladies at the moment, and there has not been one mention of sex! Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy it as much as anyone else, and no relationship for me would succeed without it, BUT I wouldn’t dream of asking a lady I met at a party for sex, and the same applies to meeting people on this site.I think you also need to be as open as you feel comfortable, don’t set your expectations too high, and relax and enjoy yourself. You will find someone you click with eventually.
Oh, and to make the ladies laugh (because you don’t get to see ladies profiles) one lady currently on here has two of her three pictures taken wearing her skimpy bikini in her dining room! So its not just men who come across so blatantly!
44
Carol Baillie
2 February 2013 13:11
Mark, there is no point lying about age, it matters one lie is a lie. you are wrong about women its not true, its in their genes to have commitment. Please dont give out such negative rubbish sexist comments about women. I find most men are just go on sites for sex most want to take you off to yahoo msn skype and are vague 100% honesty and no one should be pressured into meeting photos are a must.
45
Roger
17 February 2013 13:24
Just remember those two pieces of advice:
1 “You never get a second chance to make a good first impression”
2 “What is done can not be undone” (Shakespeare ?)
and
“The moving finger writes and having writ moves on nor all thy piety or wit shall cancel half a line nor all thy tears wash out one word of it” (Omar Khayam)
46
Tony
25 April 2013 12:22
I don’t think it’s as black and white as this. I think you need to go with the flow. Not everyone wants your life history straight away but sometimes it’s just right to share. I had a great experience of sharing … it established a solid foundation of trust and understanding. And, yes, even if the relationship doesn’t end up working on a romantic level you may have gained a fantastic new friend …
47
David
5 June 2013 07:17
I think guys who are just after sex are on the wrong site, I think it will be hard work on here, the ladies mind set on here is certainly different from a sex site. My take is you can get sex anywhere, can you get a compatible lady anywhere NO. I don’t know if its on here yet, but I am having fun looking, 1st date, be yourself, and trust me you will know within 5 minutes if the meet is game on or not. I have driven 200 miles and been on my way home within 10 minutes of a meet, if its not right it goes right through me ” I’ve got to get out of here panic takes over” I know it’s not right on my part but saying “All Righty” at the end of each sentence put me right off and I was back on the M1 within 10 minutes with lunch cancelled, and the lady was extremely attractive I would say an 8′ so looks are not everything Ladies.