16 February 2012
How to let a date down gently
by eHarmony
No matter how much you communicate on line and feel like you have got the measure of each other the first few dates may reveal a need to pull the plug. Here are some useful tips on doing it gently.
An essential aspect to successful online dating is the willingness to go out on a limb a bit and date people you are not 100% sure that you will be compatible with. This gives you a wide playing field and ensures that you are not being too picky. The downside is that, not only will you have to learn how to deal with rejection yourself; you will also need to learn how to let other people go.
Be honest
The first and most important thing is to not play games with anyone’s affections. Nobody likes to hurt another person’s feelings but it is better to be upfront and honest about how you are feeling rather than stringing someone along because you don’t know how to tell them you aren’t interested in seeing them again. It is a good idea to allow a few dates before you make your mind up but you will know in your heart if there is no chance of a relationship developing.
Clear and direct communication is best whether it is face to face, on the phone or online. If they say ‘Can I see you again?’ it is better to answer, ‘No, I’m sorry,’ than to make an excuse and then hope that they never try to contact you again. It is also better to make it clear that you are not going to change your mind. Saying vague things like, ‘I’m just not ready for a relationship yet’ can lead someone to believe that when you are ready you may like to see them again. Don’t leave the door ajar, shut it firmly, but gently.
Be kind
Try to treat people as you would like to be treated. If you go on a date and know in the first five minutes that it is a non-runner don’t be rude or dismissive. Stay for the duration of the date and adopt the attitude that you are going to learn as much from this experience as possible. You want to go home feeling good about yourself and you will only do that if you feel like you have behaved well towards the other person despite the fact you don’t want to see them again.
Don’t block people
What often happens is that you have been chatting online for some time, finally meet up and then the person blocks your communication. This is a horrible way to treat anyone and leaves the person on the other end of it with lots of questions, insecurity and uncertainty. It is very hard not to take this personally and you can really damage someone’s confidence by treating them that way. Tell them why you don’t want to see them again. You don’t have to go into a character assassination just a clear, straightforward bit of feedback like –
‘Thank you for taking the time to meet with me, I really appreciated it but didn’t feel like there was any chemistry between us, sorry. I wish you the very best in your search for someone. Thanks again.’
It is better not to enter into a situation where you are giving them detailed feedback about what you did or didn’t like about them as that will keep the door very much ajar.
In extreme circumstances
If there is something about a date’s personality or behaviour that you find disturbing, offensive or abusive please have no qualms about cutting the date short. Above all you need to keep yourself safe and comfortable and while the vast majority of our members are good, honest and respectable, as in any other group, there will be the occasional bad apple. Please report any instances like this to eHarmony customer support and block further communication with the person in question.
1
Gregg
24 February 2012 10:18
Every so often, someone will send me an eharmony email and then close the match. That’s very kind of them, but because the match is closed, I can’t read the email!!
2
LVaughan
25 February 2012 21:17
Excellent article
3
Liz
3 March 2012 09:38
I’ve had this happen too and I think it’s just a problem with the communication page and people do it by mistake. The page has the close button next to the send button at the bottom of the page and the ‘back to matches’ button is at the top of the page. I reported this to customer services this week but got nowhere. Maybe if more people report it they might look into it.
4
Frank
4 March 2012 21:40
Good article. just a pity some matches don’t read it. Instead they ask for your permission to talk via E Harmony Mail, you give it, then find the e mail has personal comments such as ‘hiding behind spectacles’ then close the match so you can’t respond.
I need my specs to see and I think a comment like this is discriminatory.
Why not just close the match like I do.
5
Nix
5 March 2012 19:29
I’m not sure this comment is nice
‘Thank you for taking the time to meet with me, I really appreciated it but didn’t feel like there was any chemistry between us, sorry. I wish you the very best in your search for someone. Thanks again.’..
The first part is fine until the “sorry” part. That is rather arrogant assuming the other person likes you allot..Maybe they felt the same as you. But even If they do like you writing “sorry” is really rubbing their nose in it.
‘Thank you for taking the time to meet with me, I really appreciated it but didn’t feel like there was any chemistry between us,Im sure you felt the same’ Sarah’
Much better and far less arrogant.
6
emma
7 March 2012 13:45
It’s always difficult to write something which will possibly not be what someone else does not want to read. However, I’m not sure that assuming you know what they are thinking and feeling as suggested above is any less presumptious than the approach suggested originally. Why not say or write
“Thank you for taking the time to meet, but for me there wasn’t the essential chemistry between us”. I don’t see anything arrogant in adding a “sorry” if you mean it genuinely, nor in saying you enjoyed talking with them – if you did.
7
emma
7 March 2012 13:49
Apologies to my English teachers for all those double negatives!!!
“It’s always difficult to write something which someone else may not want to read or accept” reads a little less lumpy.
8
Caro
11 March 2012 16:54
Meet, wow you guys actually got to meet someone on here and had to sent an email to say thanks but no thanks? I was starting to believe that this was just a site to get profiles sent and no one bothers to reply to any type of correspondence as no one seem to have been ‘active’ over the past month ( well nto the matches I get sent) but it’s good to read that at least some people seem to meet up even if it does not work out. Hence the suggestions for the ‘let you down gently’ emails.
One more month…. not holding out much hope anything will change ;o)
9
Phil
15 March 2012 00:12
Had someone just completely ignore me after going out with her for ages – still none the wiser what I did wrong. Also been let down after apparently being not right after just a short chat on the phone!! Well they made up some other excuse but I know what they meant
10
matt
18 March 2012 22:47
Nix,
Sorry, I don’t see how a genuine sorry is arrogant in anyway. And your suggestion goes from arrogance (in your opinion) to presumption ‘im sure you felt the same’, ironically suggesting you can read someone mind is somewhat arrogant as well.
I think eharmonys original suggestion was polite and well written, clearly too many people over analyzing every word sent to them.
Common guys….
11
Ari
25 March 2012 21:39
…I made your words mine Matt. the original sentences from the eharmony is simply the well written and correct one.There’s no wrong in saying Sorry. Nothing’s worse than trying to fix what ain’t broken…
12
Nige
30 March 2012 23:08
WOW, does this mean that people actually meet up in person from this site?