7 April 2010
Relationship answers: why men don’t return calls
by eHarmony
How is it that you can have one of the best first dates ever – in your opinion – but never hear from the man again? Why do male-female relationships have to be so complicated? We’ve got three reasons he didn’t call .
You have a great first date when you really seem to make a deep-down connection, but then he never calls again. Yeah you understand a day or so cooling off period- but weeks later and he’s scratched off the list. We’ve all been there – and yes, women are guilty of this too, but in our experience, the cries of ‘…but they never called back’ are about men. Once you’ve read our reasons, we want your thoughts on why men don’t call – and men, give us your perspective too.
Reason 1
They’re not really interested, but they’re too immature to be honest. It may have felt like a great date to you, but to him it was just an ego stroking session. And when he told you he’s call at the end of the night he had absolutely no intention of actually doing so. If he’s really immature he’ll use this fact as some kind of trophy to show off to his equally immature mates. Ask yourself though, is this really the kind of man you’d want to start a relationship with?
Reason 2
They’re too polite. Essentially this is the same situation as reason 1, but this guy isn’t immature, he’s a coward instead. Judging that end of date moment is never easy – does a hug or a kiss feel right? Should you say you’ll call? Some men will say anything to avoid embarrassment. Also, think back: it’s likely you’ve given your number to a man, inwardly hoping he never calls. This guy is nice, though he’s a bit spineless – another person you probably don’t want to start a relationship with either…
Reason 3
They lost your number. Really, this does actually happen, even though it’s the last thing you’ll think of. Or, he’s just really busy. Either way, spare it a thought, as it’ll save your emotions a little.
The missing link
So, what links these three reasons why a man doesn’t call? Simply, it’s that none of them have anything to do with your worth as a woman. It certainly doesn’t feel like that when someone doesn’t return your call, but trust us, it’s not you. When it comes down to it, it’s up to you to make the decision not to put a negative spin on the situation. After all, what’s the point?
And if you find yourself feeling terrible because you haven’t had one call returned, then maybe you need to reassess your approach to dating. Perhaps you’re just not ready, or you need to learn to put less emphasis on one interaction.
One key to easing this disproportionate (but understandable) feeling of unhappiness is to focus on the present. The past doesn’t count anymore and the future is impossible to predict. So work out what you can achieve and enjoy right now, rather than thinking about whether the next man you meet is going to be the man of your dreams. And don’t just enjoy dating, but enjoy life – the more you emit the positive vibe of loving life, the easier you will find it to attract the people you want in your life.
Can you call him?
You might be thinking, ‘well, surely I can call him?’, and of course you can. But if you do, never ask these things:
• Ask why he didn’t call you
• Bend over backwards to please him (offering to pay for dinner, clean his house….)
• Ask him to ask you out – you’re not a teenager
All these things reek of neediness, which is an instant turn off for most men, especially one who has already delayed calling you first. But, by coming across as confident and relaxed, he may just find it very attractive that you’ve taken the initiative.
1
richard
9 April 2010 18:58
I’m a singhtly disabled who is looking for a parter who is a lady/ woman and I who loke to getting the person frist if the other person do’t not mind by texting or by port?and send a email?
2
ramsey
17 April 2010 12:48
well, I am a man and i have done this few times. and yes, the honest answer is: if a man does not call back then that means he’s not interested! it’s as easy as that. but the reason i did that not because i’m immature or coward, i just do not want to hurt that girl/lady feelings. but if she ever insisted to get in touch with me, i would just tell her that i’m not interested politely and softly so she does not get hurt. that’s all!
and as the article said, there can be nothing NOTHING wrong at all with the girl/lady, it’s mainly something to do with taste. there’re loads of very pretty ladies that i do not fancy going for a date with them. i’m not even that good looking myself. so, please remember that: if a man does not call back then that means you’re not his taste/type. that’s all.
hope that helps anyone there.
3
marion
29 April 2010 19:43
interesting .no call because he doesnt want to take the relationship any further is fair enough,but if the opposite was indicated at the end of the date then he should ring to say he has had a change of mind and not let the lady wait and hope for something that is not going to happen.
4
Roz
1 May 2010 21:00
Don’t take it personally if a man doesn’t call you back after a date! they are only human! they probably didn’t feel that you were what they were looking for now whether its because youre not someone with a DD bust or because youre not intelligent enough then it dosen’t matter! just dont give up and keep looking, you WILL find the one youre looking for one day and if you don’t then life is too short just go out there and have fun!!!
5
Sandra
3 May 2010 09:29
Hmmm…the man seems really positive and says ‘lets meet again’ then he sends you a text saying he’s chnaged his mind…yes I get it he’s not interested but how could he be? A cup of coffee is hardly going to reveal much about either of us! And this thing about being interesting…I’ve had a guy respond saying he couldnt keep up with my active life so would rather not get involved…seems I can’t win!!?
6
mike hughes
4 May 2010 00:19
personally I would always agree up front to meet and explain why I wanted to stop seeing someone so they could ask for specific reasons and I could reassure them of their probable suitability to another person.
7
marion
6 May 2010 16:06
mike you sound a 100% decent man.Most men dont seem to like confrontation and I think one of the most painful things about ending a relationship is if you never get to understand why..wish more men were like you.
8
sookie
6 May 2010 22:25
I’d personally rather know. For me I’d rather hear the hard truth than a pretty lie, but then I’m a pretty straight forward kind of woman. Saves a lot of heart ache. And I’ve actually given guys “outs” before- “if you’re not interested, that’s fine we can just leave it where it is” and they’ve actually said, “no, no, I’m really interested in you”. But everything they did showed otherwise.
If you don’t fancy someone, tell them. You’ll save a lot of inner turmoil for the poor person on the other end if its obvious they have feelings for you.
Oh and if a girl gives you an out- bloody take it!
9
RJ
10 May 2010 21:35
Don’t waste valuable energy wondering. They’re just not that into you. Move on & find someone who deserves you!
10
andrew
11 May 2010 01:48
A lot of the comments on the article talk about ending a relationship. A first date isn’t a “relationship”, you’ve just met someone for the first time.
However, I agree with the comments, that if someone says they will phone, they should phone. If they say they will meet up, they should meet up. However, if they just say “goodbuy, it was nice meeting you”, accept that they’re probably not interested in dating you.
11
Harriet
11 May 2010 14:46
I am have for years been hurt with the whole I will call you but now i understand thank you for the review from men that are honest enough to say how it really is
12
Harri
16 May 2010 15:55
I have had this happen to me A LOT! and it’s difficult when they say they’ll ring and don’t because you do start thinking,well what is wrong with me?
Guys,take a note! Tell us if you’re going to call us or not. don’t lie. It’s a lot less painful in the long run.
13
Neil
18 May 2010 01:32
Is there just a chance it works both ways?
14
RJ
18 May 2010 21:21
They’re just not that into you. Simple as that. Move on & don’t him (or her) another thought.
15
Rory Holburn
19 May 2010 20:10
The reason we don’t call back is because we know all too well how that moment of rejection feels. If we liked it we’d be out approaching endless strangers in nightclubs just for the joy of being humiliated over and over again – or nowadays get arrested or accused of sexism. No the deal is simple, we both turn up, we both assess, if either one of us is really keen then they should make the move to follow up and the other has the choice to respond or not – isn’t that the equality you ladies wanted? Or perhaps you’d prefer we went back to throwing you over our shoulders and dragging you back to our caves?
16
G
21 May 2010 16:54
It’s interesting that so many women still seem to think that it is the man’s role (duty?) to be the one to call after the date. I’ve spoken to many women on this and similar issues over the years, and despite so called sexual equality it is amazing just how many have never asked a man out on a date, let alone followed up and ‘chased’ a man when they are keen and he isn’t. For some reason this is still considered ‘man’s work’, although I suspect the real reason is that women fear rejection. If the chemistry is truly terrible when you first meet up then fine, agree to go separate ways but chemistry is NOT always instant – my brother chased my sister-in-law for six months, getting constant rejection, before she decided she rather liked his persistence, and then him. They’ve been happily married for fifteen years, but she admitted that she would never have asked him for a date, let alone chased him, if the tables had been reversed. Go figure that one!
17
Christina
8 September 2010 00:06
Ok, so I get why Men and Women do not call after a first date, it hurts but I find that easier to deal with than, when you have been dating a guy for a few weeks. Everything is going well, he calls you the day before and assures you, you will be going out for dinner the following night, and he will call you from work in the day. He doesnt have his mobile on him as works in a secure unit, you dont hear from him all day long so you are wondering if you are still going out for dinner. When he finishes work you decide to call, after all your hungry and half ready and eager to get out to see him. No answer so you leave a nice message. 40 minutes later at 08.40pm you receive a text message “dont get angry, I have just found out that my mate has got the sack this week, I am driving over to see him, I will call you” Three days later I have still not received a phone call. I didn’t reply to the text message as I was very upset and felt extremley let down, seeing as he said he would call me, I thought I would wait patiently for this call to hear him out with his excuse. So why no call? If he didnt want to see me, then why call and text me the day before to say the dinner was def going on? I just don’t get it. All that has happened is that I am now left wondering what happened? What did I do wrong? How can he go off me in less than 24hrs? And I darent call him, for fear of being hung up on or ignored. Im bemused!
18
Mel
13 September 2010 10:03
Christina, I have dated for the past 2 and a half years. Some relationships have lasted a few months and others not as long. I have come to realise that men at times just can’t be bothered putting themselves out, behave badly and then are too embarassed to pick up the phone again. I was seeing a really attractive, funny and lovely man. He was older, worldly and quirky. He went all out to get me, wanted to see me all the time and chased me. When he finally thought he had me he just never called again. I text him to see if our Saturday night date was still on and no response. I admit I was devastated, this had never happened before. By chance I bumped into him months later and he admitted he had cold feet and didn’t want to be in a committed relationship. We went out for a drink and at the end of the night he kissed me said he would take me for dinner the following week and guess what ? I never heard from him again. This time I really could care less. Moral of the story is move on, this man will never be what you are looking for. There has to be mutual respect and thoughtfulness and if there isn’t please don’t waste your precious time, you deserve so much better.
19
Amy
11 October 2010 14:33
I recommend reading the book “His just not that into you” it helped me and made me laugh at the same time. It explains alot about mens behaviour and the excuses we make for them not calling. worth a read.
20
Steve, Manchester
12 October 2010 00:47
Mel, he was probably multi dating or married. His excuse about cold feet was probably a lie.
21
Steve, Manchester
12 October 2010 00:51
Christina – wake up! He was a liar and a cheat. Strewth, it’s shocking that men (and women) come up with these excuses and some people actually believe them! If his mate had got the sack would he really abandon a date/night out rather than wait until the next day to go and see his mate? Wake up for god’s sake and stop asking “why”. HE WAS A PLAYER!!!!
22
Steve, manchester
12 October 2010 14:37
A friend of a friend recently had his sat evening date cancelled at the last minute because she said “my daughter has been in a car accident”. It turned out to be a lie.
23
joey
25 November 2010 10:12
If im not interested in taking the relationship further I invite the girl to a debriefing session where I display a PowerPoint presentation of her strengths & weaknesses as a potential partner. Ill suggest a written action plan for improvement & arrange a further meeting in 6 months time to evaluate if she has shown sufficient growth in the target areas. If she does display performance improvement we can then re-evaluate her dating potential with me on a trial basis. Time is money people.
24
jane
18 December 2010 00:11
very funny, joel.
i really think if a man doesn’t ring after a first date he’s just not interested in my experience/opinion. in a way, it keeps everything simple, so i quite like it this way (as a woman).
where it gets more complicated is after another date or some more calls, messages, etc. where sometimes men and women start to perhaps doubt each other and so forth and the protocol on who calls who is much less clear. for me thats when it gets very messy.
and exhausting! i think you have to learn to be very sensitive to what is going on, with yourself, with the other person, to try and understand things and keep them from going awry.
25
joey
28 December 2010 18:20
Jane,
Thank you for the comment.
My consultants have field tested my dating protocols extensively, I can vouch for their efficiency. Why don’t you consider dating ‘The Joey Way®’?
26
Sam
10 January 2011 20:39
What if they didn’t have enough credit on his mobile?
27
Mel
17 January 2011 13:00
Steve, Manchester.
You’re wrong, and this chap is local and notorious for this behaviour. It is cold feet, or at worst he thought he had me interested and he lost interest as the chase was over. Simple and typical male behaviour !!
28
George
17 January 2011 17:38
I personaly find this article quite offencive. Yes you get a few guys who are immature and just want to show off to their friends about getting girls numbers, but a majority of guys I know are nothing like that. If I tell somone I will call then I will, if for somone reason I don’t, there will generaly be a good reason, like I put the piece of paper with her number on in the washing machine by mistake or somthing in which case i hope she calls me!
I would completely disregard everthing this article says, if a guy said he will call and he doesnt , call him, even if he just says sorry I’m not interested you’ve not lost anything and you’ve got “closure” and he if says he lost your number and you then go on to meet up again he could turn out to be the love of your life! You don’t gain anything from not calling so just pick up the phone!
Rant over!
This article seems to have been written by somone who watched jersey shore and then decided that was what all men are like, please ignore it!
29
Jan
30 January 2011 13:48
Joey is hilarious he should have his own page !!
30
Joey
9 February 2011 17:18
Jan, I am Joeys PA & he has instructed me to thank you for your kind comment. Joey does not as yet have his own page on here but if you through the headings you will see various dating tips that his assistants have posted on his behalf.
(time is money people, date smarter – not harder)
31
Stewart
13 February 2011 12:26
Why men dont return calls:
who wrote this? sounds like a woman whos had bad luck dating as all 3 reasons suggests that all men are b*****s If I say Im gonna call I WILL call and Im polite and it says on here that Id be a coward, Ive lost count the times women have said to me “Oooh stewart youre such a nice guy” then I never from them again, woemn lie more than men and nmot all me are liars,
I dont think i will sign up for this site now that ity seems to be slagging off us decent men./
32
anita
20 February 2011 14:04
If someone doesn’t call you, male or female, it’s not because they’ve been hit by a truck or broken their dialling finger, it’s just because they don’t want to. Doesn’t matter why. If they did, they would. Move on.
As to why men should be the ones to call, well, we know how much you love the thrill of the chase; it would be so spoilsport of us to deny you that pleasure…Cruel even.
If we have learned nothing else through the years of evolution, we have learned that men like a challenge – that’s why they do extreme sports and drive manual cars. They are the hunter-gatherers – goes back to when we lived in caves and they brought home the sabre-toothed tiger for lunch. So why oh why don’t they do the sainsbury shopping??? Did one or two of you boys mention equality?
33
Teresa
30 April 2011 22:05
if he does,nt phone it,s his loss same as all these introductions that don,t bother to respone to my messages their loss!
34
Davy
8 May 2011 05:24
There is another aspect that wasn’t and that the man just thinks the lady is out of his league, he may want to call but thinks ‘she’ll never be interested in me’.
Also, there are times when you wait too long to call and it just becomes arkward after, say, a week.
There also the possibility that, when you meet in a night club/bar that you had a great time but he just treats as a one time special (a one nightstand with no sex if you will).
All of these, I have been guilty of in the, and that has absolutly nothing to do the fact that they don’t like them enough, in fact it’s the opposite, you like them too much. Unfortunatly these become self-forefilling prophecies.
35
Martin
10 May 2011 20:53
Amazing double standards! On this same website, there’s another article. It’s about why WOMEN don’t call back. And – surprise, surprise – the reason women don’t call back is because they’re nice people. When they said they’d call, they were being nice. Not cowardly, not immature – that’s just the blokes!
Give us a break.
Thanks at least for the sensible comments on here. If they don’t call – man or woman – it’s because they’re not interested.
36
clare
16 May 2011 00:14
Joey, please call…
37
clare
16 May 2011 00:16
Sorry…it’s cheap, but I couldn’t resist folks!
38
Joey
27 May 2011 16:16
Claire, thank you for the kind invite. Consulting my social calendar I see that I may have a lunch slot available in August when I return from St Barts but before I drive the Bentley down to Cannes. My PA should be in touch shortly…
39
Karen
26 July 2011 21:53
I had a first date (after online e-mail exchanges) with a guy. About an hour into the date (drinks) he asked if I’d like to have dinner with him (signalling he liked me). We had a great evening, lots to talk and laugh about but he never called back. I e-mailed him saying I had a great time and would he like to meet again? No response. Can’t figure that out as he was clearly attracted
40
Stepahnie
16 October 2011 21:29
I started communicating with a guy on eharmony, our first date went well and we agreed to go on a second date which also went really well, he was really keen and was calling and texting everyday, we went out a couple more times. All of a sudden I noticed he was not returning my calls and the texts dried up after just 3 weeks. However, we agreed to meet up one Saturday afternoon, but he texted me 20 minutes before I due to meet him and said his sister was in labour and he needed to take her to the hospital! I never heard from him again. I was actually quite hurt as I was stupid enough to think he was into me when all he was into was the chase. As soon as I showed a bit of interest he disappeared. Complete time waster!
41
Rod
31 October 2011 12:13
Vis-a-vis the last two comments. Its not only men who do this. Ive twice now been on 3 dates with girls who seemed interested at the time but who subsequently either disappeared from the face of the Earth, apparently abducted by aliens, or abruptly broke off all contact. On each occasion I was left wondering what went wrong.
42
TeresaL
31 October 2011 17:57
I had the same happen to me the other month. He was constantly sending me text messages and asking how I was and general chat which was nice. We had three really good dates and we’d arranged to meet the following Sunday. The text messages dried up that week and the day before the forth date he texted to cancel and rearrange. I sent him a message the folloning week to see how he was and he answer but there was no mention of meeting,I left it at that. It was very confussing as it seemed like he was really interested and was the one to suggest the 4th date. I think you should tell the person in a nice way that it’s not working out rather then leaving them to wonder all sorts. I had a similar situation last year where I was the one that had to finish it after 3 dates and we are still friends.
43
Alex (Female)
23 January 2012 21:31
Ok gents..I have a quick Question. Is it really like the movie
‘He’s just not that into you’
Where, if a man acts like he doesn’t give a damn…he truley doesnt give a damn?
44
Joey
28 February 2012 18:21
Alex – yes.
45
Julie
25 April 2012 21:59
I like Joey’s responses, they pull no punches & are to the point & funny!
Think it would help us all if there was a rule book & we all were all “singing off the same hymn sheet” so to speak. It’s very confusing for both sexes!!