The one who wants to ‘hang out’

There are many pluses to getting to know someone online – you can remain practically anonymous at the beginning and reveal more about yourself as you go on which is great if you are a bit nervous or shy. However, there are some things you should bear in mind when you are sitting in front of your computer.

Conversation isn’t words alone
Experts say that around 80% of our communication when we are face to face is non-verbal. We are constantly responding to the non-verbal cues people give us to regulate what we are saying and how we are saying it. When we are chatting online we haven’t got the normal visual cues – frowns, smiles etc to tell us if what we are saying is hurting or upsetting the other person; making them happy; or whether they are interested or have grown bored or agitated by the conversation. This means we could, without realising it, go past a normal point where the conversation would dry up if we were face to face. This is fine most of the time but if you are talking about something that is emotional or important it can create a mismatch in what you need and what the other person is giving because they aren’t getting the non-verbal cues.

You are talking to real people with real feelings
There is a danger with online communication that we forget the person we are talking to has a real life, feelings, worries and concerns. What we say, and how we respond to them, will have an impact, often beyond what we are aware of, because we don’t know what else is going on in their lives. If you have never met the person it is even more likely that you will find it difficult to respond with the same sensitivity that you would in your normal human interactions.

Don’t play games, be rude, dismissive or otherwise insensitive. If someone is trying to make contact and you are not interested then say so, politely. It can be tempting to be more abrupt, flirtatious, aggressive or outlandish than you would normally be because you think that you will never meet the person so there will be no consequences. There will be consequences, you just might not know about them. You could damage someone’s self esteem, make them lose trust in online dating or put them off trying to change their situation altogether. The best rule of thumb is to treat others as you would like to be treated. Before you send any message you are unsure of ask yourself how you would feel if you received it.

When you say something it doesn’t just disappear
We speak on average between 7000 and 20000 words a day and about 95% of them are forgotten almost as soon as they have left our mouths; if they are recalled it is often inaccurately unless we record our conversations. When we talk to people online we get the advantage of being able to read through what we have written and edit it before we send it so there is less margin for error. However, once we press the send button we create a permanent record which we can access again and so can the person we sent it to. Also whatever forum we are chatting on whether that is a dating website, email, MSN or Facebook will keep a permanent and traceable record. For this reason it is a good idea to be more conscientious about what we say, promise, suggest and also how we say it.

Read between the lines
Rows and misunderstandings often happen between people when they have resorted to communicating via text, email or instant messaging. This is because the written word can so easily be misinterpreted. We fill in the blanks with our imagination and look for clues like kisses, CAPITAL LETTERS and smiley faces to tell us what mood the author was in when they sent the message. To avoid misunderstandings many couples now have a pact that they will only use electronic forms of communication to make arrangements and send light-hearted messages but anything important will be discussed face to face.

Strong imagination
When chatting to someone new online people build a mental image that’s often very different from reality. When we are getting to know someone online it is a bit like reading a book. We build up a mental image of the person just as we do with characters in books. Often if we read a book and then a film is released it is a disappointment because the characters in the film don’t match our imaginings. The same feeling of disappointment can occur when we meet someone we have been chatting to online for the first time. Don’t lose heart, go on a few dates and your mental image will quickly adjust to reality.

For many people the computer is now the main way they organise their social lives, book holidays, stay in touch with family and friends and conduct their work lives so it’s understandable that it has also become the main way we find romantic partners too. Some people are still dubious about it so we have put together a handy little guide for you.

Why online dating?

Online dating really is no more than an introduction to people, but with the use of the internet you can be introduced to hundreds of people instead of the handful of single people you might normally meet in your social circle. Once you have struck up a conversation with someone dating usually proceeds much as it used to – in person. Here are just some of the pluses:

1. You will probably know much more about someone you meet online than you would if you agreed to a date with someone you met in a bar.
2. You can take your time browsing different profiles and really thinking about what you want from a partner.
3. The pond you are fishing in is much larger than your normal social circle giving you access to possible matches from all over the world.
4. You are not forced to talk to someone you are not interested in and can block any unwanted communication.
5. On websites like eHarmony you get the opportunity to fill in a personality profile which helps you get to know yourself more, most of us never take the time to really sit down and ask, ‘Who am I and what is important to me?’
6. You are free to flirt outrageously; a lot of people say that they feel bolder and more flirtatious when chatting online because they can edit what they are saying.
7. The website will use the latest technology to match you with people based on your own personal specifications which can be changed at any time.
8. If you are shy or nervous you may find building the initial stages of a relationship online much more comfortable as there is a level of anonymity.
9. It doesn’t cost a fortune; a monthly subscription is often less than a night out. It is better to go with a well known website that lets you sign up and view your matches for free and only charges a subscription when you want to communicate with other members
10. You are in control

Is online dating safe?

This is the most common concern for people when they are considering online dating, especially older people. The media reports scare stories about fraudsters and people being conned out of their life savings. The great news is that online dating with a reputable website like eHarmony is really safe, here’s why:

1. Your personal information is confidential. None of the information that you provide to the website when you sign up can be seen by anybody else. This includes your credit card details, address, phone number, email address and even your real name as you can have a screen name.
2. You decide who you talk to and who talks to you. If you are nervous about getting the initial contact started you can use the guided communication feature which take you through step by step. If you start chatting with someone and change your mind most websites will have a facility to block unwanted communication. Should anyone every make you uncomfortable at any time, you can block them from contacting you forever and report them to the site.
3. You get to see a photo before you meet. No matter how evolved we like to think we are, 95% of us based our opinions of people on first impressions and seeing a photo of someone before you meet them is reassuring for most of us.
4. You are not on your own. A reputable website will have a support team and advice pages which will help you through every step of the process from how to write your profile to how to stay safe on a first date.
5. Millions of people can’t be wrong. Online dating is an industry that has mushroomed in the last five years. Every day millions of people are logging on and finding love. If online dating didn’t work, they wouldn’t do this. But they do. And every day, new members sign up. The cycle of love continues. Have you logged on yet?

Winter days are short and the nights are long so hear are some great dating ideas to help you beat the winter blues.

1.      Ice skating

Most major cities now set up a temporary ice rink for the winter months. Even if you have never skated before it can be fun to try. As a date it is perfect as it is a great opportunity to wrap up warm, hold hands, support and encourage each other and, most importantly, have a lot of fun

2.      A romantic winter picnic

A great winter picnic starts with proper planning. Decide on where you are going to go and what you are going to do. Many well known beauty spots are just as stunning in the winter and attract many forms of wildlife during the winter months. A location by a lake or river is always a good bet. Be sure to check the weather reports though, a few snow flakes are ok but a blizzard isn’t good.

There are loads of different types of insulated picnic baskets and backpacks to choose from so you can make hot food at home and it will stay nice and warm for when you and your date are good and hungry. Popular ideas to include are a thermos of hot chocolate or soup; baked potatoes, chilli, or a warming winter casserole. The key is to keep it simple, wholesome and light to carry.

3.      Go to a matinee

There is something very romantic and indulgent about going to the cinema or theatre in the middle of the day. Matinee shows are often less likely to be sold out, and are less pricey, too.

4.      Paint a pot together

In most large towns now there are pottery cafes where you can go and get messy and creative together. You choose a cup, plate or teapot, select your colours, order a hot coffee and then spend as long as you like indulging your inner artist. It is a lovely way to get to know each other away from your normal adult responsibilities and roles. It’s also a good date choice in the early days of getting to know someone because there isn’t pressure to talk constantly as you will both be working on you ceramic masterpieces.

5.      Stargaze

Stargazing is much clearer in the winter because the earth is cooler. Either you can go to a place where there is little light pollution and take your own telescope – a good pair of binoculars will do just as well – or go to an observatory and use professional telescopes. It doesn’t have to be in the dead of night, watching a sunrise or sunset can be just as romantic. Do a bit of research on the constellations (some smart phones have an app you can use) get a laser pen and you can both try to pick them out.

6.      Go to a tropical garden

If you really don’t like the cold a visit to a tropical garden can be a welcome relief as well as a perfect date. As well as heating your blood you will get to see rare and exotic plants, birds and insects which will give you and your date plenty to talk about.

7.      Have a games night

Either just the two of you, or with friends, a games night is always fun. You can make use of the latest technology and show off your dance or racing moves on the Wii or Xbox; dust off your old board games or have a retro games night with games from your childhood like Snakes and Ladders or Cludo.

8.      Take a class together

The winter evenings can feel much more fun if you have a hobby to share. There are loads of different workshops and courses in almost any subject you can think of from circus skills to comedy improvisation or from archaeology to rock choirs. Trying something neither of you have ever done before can be a good bonding experience as well as great fun and may inspire you both to enrol on a longer course.

9.      Go on a ghost tour

The darker evenings provide a spooky backdrop to the ghost tours that are now available in most cities. Feeling a bit spooked, out in the cold is a good reason to hold hands and huddle together for support. Contact your local tourist information to find out what’s available in your area.

10.  Come on baby light my fire

There is something eternally romantic about sitting by an open fire, talking late into the night and toasting your toes as well as a few marshmallows. If neither of you have a fireplace at home then wrapping up warm and sitting round an open fire outdoors is equally as romantic.

Now the holiday festivities are well and truly behind us its time to turn our attention to the year ahead. Along with all the noble resolutions for a happier, healthier body and mind many people will be hoping 2012 is the year in which they find love. Here are some tips to set you on the right path.

Be proactive

Good things don’t come to those who wait; they come to those who are proactive. It is unlikely that love will come knocking on your door so you need to take some action to make things happen. This may mean subscribing to a dating website if you haven’t done so already. Give some proper time and attention to building up a profile, selecting photographs and reviewing matches. As with most other things the more you put in the more you will get out of the process.

Be committed

As Goethe said,

‘Are you in earnest? Seize this very minute;
Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it;
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.’

It may seem like a strange thing to say but even people who testify that they really do want a new relationship aren’t totally committed to the idea. They may be hesitant because they have been hurt in the past or on some deep level they don’t really believe they are worthy of love. Check if there is anything holding you back and if necessary go and talk to someone if there are obstacles you feel you can’t shift on your own.

Have a plan

If you don’t know where you are going it will be very difficult to know if you are heading in the right direction or even to recognise when you reach your destination. What do you want your new relationship to be like? What do you want and need from a partner? What are you bringing to the table? Where would you like to be (in this relationship) in five years time? This is deeper than your ‘must haves’ and ‘can’t stands’ – it’s about building a clear picture of what is important to you in your life whether you are in a relationship or not. Don’t put your life on hold waiting for someone to accompany you on your journey, get out there and live and you are more likely to attract someone who is doing the same.

Step out of your comfort zone

Sometimes we fall into the trap of using the same selection filters time and time again when viewing profiles even though experience has shown them to be less than effective. Make 2012 the year when you trust the matching process more and date people you wouldn’t normally have considered because of their photo, height, location or other unquestioned selection criteria. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Prioritise dating

We all have many pressures on our time and energy with work, family and hobbies. Often dating can seem like a luxury we have little time for and it ends up squashed between all our other commitments. Then when we do go on a date and it is less than perfect it can put us off making time for it again in the future. This year prioritise dating in your personal calendar. Give yourself time to select matches, prepare for the date, go out on the actual date and have time afterwards to reflect on the experience. In this way even if you don’t want to see the person again you will have got the very best from the dating experience and be able to take what you learn into future dates.

Listen to yourself

One of the biggest blocks to finding a new relationship is often low self esteem. Personal confidence can be damaged by relationship break-up, job loss, illness or bereavement. Whatever it is that has damaged your confidence it is important that you take steps to feel better about yourself if you want to have the best possible chance of finding love in 2012. There are many support groups and forums offering support for whatever you have been though. The first and most loving relationship to cultivate is the one with your self. Listen to how you talk to yourself; are you your own best friend or your worst enemy?

Sometimes life can seem to put you on pause. It might be that your job’s not going anywhere, your search for a new home has stalled, or that your dating life is at a dead end. And if it’s your dating life, then you can feel seriously helpless; looking for love is a hard thing to force.

But, even when it comes to dating, it’s possible to employ some tactics to get things moving again. And of course, once things get moving they can gain momentum and who knows what might happen? Here are four ways to unstick your dating life:

Problem 1: Same old, same old
If you get a sense of déjà vu from your dating routine, then you’ve probably become stuck in a rut. If you’re going to the same places, meeting the same people and behaving in the same way, then it’s no wonder nothing is changing.

The solution: Break the routine. Anytime you feel like you’re in a rut the simplest solution is to do something different. If your dating routine is to meet people through friends, then why not join a group instead and meet new people that way? Or try online dating as a way to tap into a whole load of people you wouldn’t otherwise have met. We won’t deny that this requires some energy, creativity and general ‘oomph’ but it’s well worth it.

Problem 2: You’re a quitter
Dating can be tough. Sometimes it requires us to put in more effort than we feel we want or are able to. And when the going gets tough, it’s often our instinct to retreat and hide under the duvet (literally or metaphorically!) Why would you want to keep subjecting yourself to such a tough process?

The solution: Give yourself a kick up the bum. We all need this sometimes, and all it takes is to try and focus on why you’re doing what you’re doing. Guess what? It’s very difficult to meet someone without going on dates. They’re essential part of the process, so even if you’ve gone through a tough patch, you just need to keep on going. While you might feel that your friends and family fell into their relationships, remember that at one point they will have been in a similar position to you. Also remember that if you don’t try, then you have no right to moan you’re not getting anywhere.

Problem 3: You’ve lost your mojo
Trust us when we say that most people have been through a dating drought. Whether that’s no dates, or a string of awful dates, it happens. And while you might still be going through the motions, your heart’s just not in it, which in turn can really affect the way you date.

The solution: Take a risk. Put yourself out there and do something you don’t normally do. Maybe that’s speed dating, or throwing a party and asking everyone to bring along a single friend. Going for dinner with friends is easy, taking the plunge and asking out the barman at your local isn’t.

Problem 4: You’re scared

Dating can be nerve-racking. Meeting someone new, making a connection and worrying about being judged are all potentially anxiety-producing situations. Sometimes it seems so much easier to stay at home and watch TV.

The solution: Decide to conquer your fears head on. You can still have fear and move forward. It won’t be easy, but after that first call, or date, or the first time you decide to ask someone on a date you will feel empowered, and your fear will start to melt away. Even if things don’t go to plan, the sheer fact that you’ve made that leap should give you the push to try again. No one ever met the love of their life sitting in front of the TV.

Over analysing is a stress disorder that can affect your daily life. It can be a symptom of depression, obsessive compulsive disorder or may occur on its own. Symptoms of over analysing include nagging, racing thoughts, being hypercritical toward yourself or others, high stress levels and trouble sleeping. It can be difficult to determine what is causing your over analysing, but with the help of some simple techniques, you should be able to break the bad habit.

Ask if you want to know the answer
If your over analysing tends to be centered around relationships because you are feeling insecure then give your poor, tired brain a break and ask the person whatever it is that you need to clarify. It may be that you are trying to mind-read or second guess how a date is feeling. You may be wondering if they want to see you again; if they were upset by something that happened on one of your dates or if you offended them by something you said. If in doubt the best thing to do is ask. If your head is still obsessing try some of the suggestions below.

Get active
Because over analysing is often the result of an idle mind one of the best ways to counteract it is to get busy with your body. Distract yourself with physical activity when you are tempted to return repeatedly to an issue. Exercise will help clear your mind and raise the level of endorphins pumping through your body. Your mood will be enhanced and because your attention has been distracted for a period it can help break the process. According to research a half hour brisk walk can be as beneficial as an hour of therapy.

Let go
Sometimes we get into an over analyzing pattern because there is a situation we need to address and we are looking for a solution. We may play a mental tape of a conversation, date or other uncertain situation over and over again. We do this primarily for two reasons; we are looking for clues as to the outcome of an uncertain situation ie. will our date want to see us again? or because we are struggling to accept our own part and are rewriting what we said or did. This often leads to us beating ourselves up because the more we pick it apart the more ridiculous it looks and by the time our date does call we have convinced ourselves that it’s all over anyway.

The only way to deal with this type of mental activity is to LET GO. Some people find it helpful to write down whatever is worrying them and put it in a jar. The act of writing helps get it out of your head and putting it in the jar creates a sense of separation. You will be amazed how many things that get put in the jar get resolved by themselves once you let go of them.

Relax before bed
Night time is often the worst time for over analyzing. Many people can’t get to sleep or wake in the middle of the night and there it is, over and over on that repetitive loop. One way to help prevent this is to make sure you fully relax before going to bed. Turn the TV off, put on some relaxing music, notice your breathing and have a warm drink – caffeine, alcohol, loud music and violent or disturbing TV programmes all create mental activity which will make it harder to get to sleep and more likely that you will wake in the middle of the night as your brain is so stimulated.

Count your blessings
Another effective way of winding down before bed and sleeping in a peaceful way is each night before bed repeat the phrase “I am thankful for…” and list everything you are thankful for in your life. This way, your mind will be busy with positive thoughts instead of negative thoughts and you will sleep better. Some people like to write down their gratitude lists and again it can help to make those thoughts more dominant than negative worrying ones.

Get outside help if necessary
Although we all suffer from over analysing to some degree if you feel it is seriously affecting your life you may benefit from seeking the help and support of a professional trained in this area. Your GP will be able to advice you of where the best help is available.

Some people are naturally shy and others find big social events uncomfortable but the good news is that, to some extent, everyone is a bit nervous when they go to a party, even those who appear extremely confident. Here are some practical things you can do to make your experience of parties much more enjoyable.

1. Look your best
Sometimes people go over the top when getting ready for a date because they lack confidence in their own attractiveness. Nothing is more attractive than a zest and enthusiasm for life but having your nails done, a nice hairdo or a special outfit can all help you feel good about yourself. Enhance your assets and then let your inner beauty shine through. Remember sexy is an attitude not a costume.

2. Concentrate on others
The best way to enjoy yourself is to get others to enjoy themselves. Instead of thinking ‘I hope I have a good time’ try ‘I want everyone to enjoy themselves’. Your contribution is not insignificant in making this happen.

3. Bring a little magic
It’s much easier to learn magic tricks than it is to learn to play an instrument or be a confident joke teller. If you learn some magic tricks you could have your audience spell-bound, confused, charmed and mesmerised all at the same time. Men will want to know your secrets and women will be in awe. You can look online and learn from videos on Youtube or get a book and teach yourself. The great thing about this is it encourages everyone else to show any tricks they can do too.

4. Be engaging
Smile brightly when you talk to people. Make good eye contact and laugh freely. Ask questions and show interest in their answers. Interesting people are interested in others. When people ask you questions about yourself give full, honest answers and be open to being talked to, not just by people who you think look interesting but by everyone even if it’s just for a few minutes.

5. Don’t drink too much
A few drinks may well help you loosen up but really drunk people are boring. Alternate alcoholic drinks with soft ones if you feel more comfortable with a glass in your hand and eat plenty of food.

6. Conversation
Read the newspaper and current magazines in the days leading up to the party. By doing this you will probably form some opinions on current affairs or find interesting/funny things which can make good topics of conversation. Conversation topics don’t have to be things outside your own experience. Look back over your year or life and think of the most unusual things you have done and be happy to share.

7. Party dates
If you are on a date at a party don’t sit in a corner just talking to them, move around, introduce them to your friends and use the party as an opportunity to show them a bit more about you. Don’t feel you have to baby-sit them or have them by your side the whole time.

If you are at a party with a date and you don’t know anyone hiding in your date’s shadow isn’t going to make you look attractive. Talk to people, have a dance and most importantly show that you are OK on your own. Regular eye contact, hand squeezing and light caresses with your date will let them know you are definitely with them even if you are talking to lots of other people.

8. Participate
Participate in any games or dancing that happen. Get involved and don’t be afraid of making a bit of a fool of yourself. People will warm to you if you seem happy to laugh at yourself and have fun with them. Remember if you laugh at yourself you will never run out of material.

9. Let your hair down
Before you go to a party make sure you know how you are going get home as that will go a long way to helping you relax and enjoy yourself. Don’t be too self-conscious or obsessed with what other people think about you.

10. Don’t just disappear
Stay as long as you are happy and comfortable and when it comes time to leave say goodbye to everyone especially your hosts; all the people you have spoken to, saying it was nice to meet them and anyone you haven’t spoken to with a season’s greeting and apology that you didn’t get to speak to them too. Everyone will be sure to remember you and you will leave feeling good.

1. We’ve got a fixed idea of the perfect man

We can’t turn on the TV or open a paper at the moment without being bombarded with dire news about the state of the economy. It is a difficult time for many people as jobs are lost and pay is frozen. As people look around for areas of their life where they can cut back they may see that dating is an area that has to go.

But, we at eHarmony believe this should not be the case. Finding love can help you to deal with all the other stresses in your life. People in happy relationships say that it is the relationship itself that gives them the energy and motivation to get up every morning and face the world with a positive and hopeful attitude. Here we look at some dating ideas where your investment is more about time and energy than money.

Come dine with me

It is simple and romantic; cook a meal for your date. Even if you aren’t Jamie in the kitchen many leading supermarkets offer whole meals including a starter, main course, side dish and wine for around £10. Add candles and some nice music and you have yourself a wonderfully romantic evening in the comfort of your own home

Get a discount

There are a huge amount of companies offering great discounted deals on meals out, cinema tickets, theatre trips, even weekends away. Many of them invite you to sign up to their website and then they will send you daily deals for your local area, many with over 50% off.

You might be nervous about using a voucher on a date, but when we asked our Advice community about this very topic, 65% of people said they wouldn’t be offended if their date used a voucher, and an additional 23% said they would be willing to give their date another chance even if they didn’t like them using a voucher. The only thing you shouldn’t do is make a big deal about using it. Your date will appreciate your subtlety.

Make the most of free events

We’re lucky in the UK that many of our cities’ galleries, museums and other attractions are free – your local tourist information will be able to tell you where they are. Some cities also do free entry to major attractions for residents so it’s worth enquiring about that too. Don’t be too quick to dismiss art galleries and museums as boring, they are a great place for a date because you will never be short of things to talk about.

Desert island discs

This popular radio program can easily be adapted to make a great date. Each of you imagines that you are going to be stranded on a desert island. You have to choose eight songs or pieces of music – one of them is your ‘song of choice’; one book (you already have the complete works of Shakespeare and a spiritual book of your choice) and one luxury item – this must be inanimate and not a way of escaping from your stay on the island.

You can either share your choices over two evenings or in one where you take it in turns to introduce your selections. Put some time and effort into your choices so that each track has a story attached to it and that the story reveals a little about who you are and what makes you tick. Not only will this provide you with an evening of entertainment but it will also help you get to know each other better. You don’t have to have just met to do this, couples who have been together for a long time are sure to learn something new about each other from their selections.

Whatever you do don’t let money stop you from dating, love will enrich your life more than an end to the economic downturn.

1. We’re adhering to ‘modern dating rules’

Rejection can occur at all different stages in the dating process. Right at the beginning you might send a match a one liner and they don’t respond at all; you may be chatting online and they suddenly cut contact or block you; you may go on a first date and you think it has gone really well but they decide they don’t want to see you again or you may have been on a few dates and then they change their mind. Whichever stage it happens at, how it affects you will depend very much on how you think about it.

Don’t take it personally
Although it may feel very hurtful it is not you as a person that is being rejected. In the dating process it is unlikely that the person rejecting you will have begun to really get to know you. They are more likely to be responding to something in their own life than anything you have said or done. So, try not to label yourself based on one superficial interaction (or many). Be vigilant to not give anyone who doesn’t really know you that much influence over your self-image. Certainly a 30 second chat, or even several dates, doesn’t qualify someone as an expert on ‘you’ to judge you.

Don’t generalise
Whether one or several people have turned you down you cannot logically generalise to ‘everyone’ or ‘always’. Each time, place, and person is different. What is true for one is not true for all. The next person could be different. So, try not to over generalise. Stay hopeful. Keep an open mind.

Keep positive
Handling rejection and overcoming it always involves keeping a positive attitude. A positive attitude helps prevent you from feeling sorry for yourself, prevents you from getting scared off, prevents you from taking it personally and keeps you looking at things from a proper perspective.

A person wasn’t interested in talking with you – well go talk to another one. No second date – well go get another first date. Positive people don’t let something like a simple rejection ruin their day or slow their path to finding their special someone.

Let them go
If someone wants to make a break, let them go. Even if you think they are making a mistake and there is potential in the relationship it will be better for your dignity and self worth if you respect their decision rather than beg them to reconsider. Do ask some questions if you think it will help but don’t beg, plead or whine. You deserve to be with someone who really wants to be with you rather than someone who stays because you put up a convincing argument for them to stay. It is better to find out early on that someone isn’t really into you than to spend months or even years adoring someone who can barely remember your name.

Keep trying
As difficult as it can feel to do, it is important that you don’t give up. If you allow one rejection to cause you to delete your online dating profile, or vow never to go out again, and resign yourself to a life alone you are hurting no-one but yourself. It might be helpful to see it like buying shoes, you don’t expect every pair to fit perfectly and you certainly don’t blame your feet for it! Keep trying and you are sure to find the right match eventually.

Ghosts of the past
If you are deeply affected by rejection and feel unable to pick yourself up and brush it off it may be that even the slightest rejection is tapping into unresolved issues from your past. If you think this is the case it would probably be advisable to talk to someone to help overcome this as it is likely to get in the way of you moving on with your life.

Be conscious about how you turn someone down
Not only will you get turned down sometimes but there will be occasions when you want to turn down matches. The golden rule here is to do as you would be done by, be kind, polite and respectful. Don’t string someone along because you don’t know how to turn them down, it’s unfair to them and you.

And finally remember if you are not ready for rejection you may not be ready for a relationship.

1. Make them count

Welcome to Online Dating: A Rough Guide

1. Learn what you don’t want from a relationship
If you are back on the dating scene after a long break you may have felt unsure when filling in your must haves and cant stands on your dating profile. A terrible date is a great opportunity for you to clarify what it was about the date that made it a bad experience for you. Maybe it was the person’s manners, attitudes or mannerisms or maybe it wasn’t so much the person but the venue or the circumstances. Take time to separate the person from the experience and give them a second chance if it all went horribly wrong through no fault of their own.

2. Learn how to say no
One of the most important aspects of a happy healthy relationship is emotional honesty. Many people go along with things they are not really comfortable with, especially at the beginning of a new relationship, because they want the relationship to work so badly they don’t feel able to assert themselves. The dating phase is a really good time to practice being emotionally honest. Say if you like or don’t like things. If asked for a preference on something don’t say ‘I don’t mind’, as that leaves the other person with the responsibility of deciding for you, be flexible but decisive. Practice giving honest, direct and open feedback to dates even if you have no interest in seeing them again, this will benefit them and you.

3. Learn how to use your support system
We always advise people to have a support system in place before they go on a first date. Tell at least one friend or family member about your plans and when you will return. Arrange to check in with them after each of the first few dates. A terrible date may leave you in need of some support and your phone contact will already be expecting a call. Take the opportunity to talk through what happened, you will feel better for having shared it and it can help you learn from the experience.

4. Learn to trust your instincts
There may be nothing obviously wrong on your date but you get a bad feeling. Assessing your date’s truthfulness and honesty is ultimately your responsibility. Don’t ignore any facts that seem inconsistent or “off.” Trust your instincts and remember that you have control over the situation. If you’re out on a date and you feel uncomfortable, leave.

5. Learn not be put off by a bad experience
If you have been out of the dating scene for some time it can be really off putting if you have a terrible date. You can’t go back and change what happened but you can choose how you think about it. Were there things you could have done differently? Were there warning signs when you were chatting online that things weren’t all that they seemed? Instead of being put off dating in the future put on your detective hat and get all the information you can.

Remember the image you build up of someone when you are chatting online will rarely be the same as the real person – a picture of a strawberry will never taste like a strawberry. Your date is probably feeling exactly the same way and may also be nervous. When people are nervous they sometimes say and do silly, uncharacteristic things. If this happens be charitable and forgiving and put it down to nerves rather than writing the date off or cutting it short.

Your heart is beating fast, your breathing is shallow, your palms sweaty and it feels like butterflies are filling your stomach. You can’t tell whether it is fear or excitement that is overwhelming you but it’s all-consuming, obliterating all concerns about your ordinary life. You stand at the threshold of possibility, a new future – love, romance, bliss – it could all be yours. First dates can be a heady experience but if you never get to a second or third date it could be that you are becoming addicted to that initial rush, read on to discover more.

What creates that heady combination?
Whenever we go into any new situation our body prepares us by releasing a number of chemicals into our bloodstream. Adrenaline is a hormone which creates the ‘fight or flight’ response, it increases our heart rate, constricts blood vessels and dilates our air passages. Fight or flight might not seem like the most natural responses to a date but it describes well that feeling of being fully alert and on guard to respond to an unknown situation.

Combined with this is the release of endorphins into the brain. They are produced by the pituitary gland during periods of excitement or stress and resemble opiates in their ability to produce a natural pain relief and feelings of well being. They can also make us feel powerful, confident and filled with optimism.

Like an actor about to go on stage for the first performance a first date is a complete unknown so this is when we get the biggest rush of all of these chemicals. Actors often say that the first night is by far the best in terms of performance because they are in that heightened state, after that they will still have some rush but not to the same level as its no longer an unknown entity.

What is addiction?
We usually say someone is addicted to something when their behaviour is detrimental to their well-being. It is obvious to see why this is the case when someone is taking drugs or drinking too much because the consequences are so dire for themselves and those around them but there are other addictions which can go undetected for a long time because they are more socially acceptable. If someone works long hours or goes to the gym a lot we tend to see these as positive life choices, it slips into an addiction when the behaviour becomes compulsive and stops the person from living their life fully and developing in areas that are important to them.

Which first dater are you?
There are people who go on lots of first dates because they have a really fixed idea of what they are looking for and simply haven’t found it yet. In this case our advice would be, as far as possible, to give it at least two or three dates before you make your mind up, some people are so nervous on a first date that it’s difficult to see what they are really like.

Then there are people who really don’t want anything more than a superficial relationship. They love to dress up, go out and meet new people but have no real interest in taking it any further. If this is you that is fine but please make sure you are honest right from the beginning, your date might have different hopes and expectations and it is unfair to lead them down the garden path if you know from the offset it’s just a one-off date for you.

If you are genuinely looking for a deeper relationship but find yourself wanting to arrange first dates much more than risking going deeper by arranging to meet someone you have already dated, it may be that you are crossing the line into addiction and it is stopping you from getting what you really want. If this is the case our advice would be to understand why you feel compelled to keep repeating the same behaviour and maybe develop a hobby that will give you that same chemical rush e.g. amateur dramatics or running.

The key to it all is planning, if you choose the right kind of place to meet and you have everything you will need then you will feel more in control and relaxed.

Dos
• Meet in a public place, preferably one that you already know. Choose one that serves decent coffee and has a good atmosphere, then you will be in familiar territory and have fewer things to worry about.

• Make your own way there. It isn’t a good idea to get into a stranger’s car and even though you may have been chatting online for some time your date is still, at this stage, a stranger.

• Tell someone where you are going and what time you expect to be back and make an arrangement to check in with them after the date.

• Keep it simple. Remember that one date is not a big deal, it is simply a chance for you to see each other and have a face to face conversation which is usually a continuation of correspondence you have been having online. You don’t need to go all out planning a flashy night – that can come later.

• Remember your date is probably feeling exactly the same way as you and may even be more nervous. When people are nervous they sometimes say and do silly, uncharacteristic things. If this happens be charitable and forgiving and put it down to nerves rather than writing the date off or cutting it short.

• Be prepared. Have enough money to cover your coffee and a cab home. Have a fully charged mobile phone and the number of someone you can ring if you need to. Read the paper or listen to the news so that you have some interesting topics to talk about if the conversation dries up

• Be yourself. Any pretense you make will be exposed later so it’s always best to be honest, open and upfront right from the start.

• Relax and have fun. One of the most attractive qualities in a person is an enthusiastic, cheerful nature. Make eye contact, laugh when you find something funny and generally engage with your date -  you will have a much better time even if you never want to see them again.

Don’t
• Arrange to meet in a noisy crowded place. The aim of this first date is to give you a chance to get to know each other a bit better and this can be difficult to do in a noisy, crowded bar.

• Check your mobile phone for texts, emails and status updates every two minutes. Give your date your full, undivided attention for the hour or so you are together, your mobile can wait. Put it on on silent and keep it out of sight, not on the table in front of you.

• Drink too much. You could arrange your meeting in a coffee shop instead so neither of you are tempted.

• Leave your drink or personal possessions with your date if you step away for any reason.

• Lie about yourself to make your life sound more interesting. Trust that who you are is good enough and if you aren’t the right one for them that is ok.

• Moan, even if you have had a tough day, year or life a first date is not the time to offload. Especially don’t moan about your ex.

• Try to tell your whole life story in one date. Keep it light and enjoyable and remember to ask your date about their life and experiences too.

• Make snap decisions based on appearance or mannerisms; try to keep an open mind and an open heart.

• Give out your home address, email or workplace until you have met at least a couple more times.

• Go back to their place or them back to yours. It is 2011 but it is still a good idea to keep it light on the first date. That way you will respect yourself in the morning regardless of what anyone else’s opinion of you is. A kiss if it feels appropriate is sufficient, and is much easier to stick to if you have shared a coffee on a Saturday afternoon than come out of a club at 2am.

Whatever you do make sure you have fun and keep your focus on your feelings rather than trying to mind read whether your date likes you, they will let you know soon enough.

You may have been chatting online for weeks, have loads in common, be so excited to meet each other in person, have arranged the perfect first date but despite all this when you get there that magic spark just isn’t there, there is no chemistry between you. This can happen because of a number of real chemical reactions taking place in the body. Here we explain some of the science behind it.

On the first date
Your heart is beating fast, your breathing is shallow, your palms sweaty and it feels like butterflies are filling your stomach. You can’t tell whether it is fear or excitement that is overwhelming you but it’s all-consuming, obliterating all concerns about your ordinary life.

Whenever we go into any new situation our body prepares us by releasing a number of chemicals into our bloodstream. Adrenaline is a hormone which creates the ‘fight or flight’ response, it increases our heart rate, constricts blood vessels and dilates our air passages. Fight or flight might not seem like the most natural responses to a date but it describes well that feeling of being fully alert and on guard to respond to an unknown situation.

Initial connection
So you get there and you see your date for the first time and you hug. At this point another set of chemicals comes into play. There are called pheromones and they make us smell attractive to our partner. Pheromones are released naturally by the body and the level which you release will vary from person to person. The perfume industry has tried to cash in on this scientific fact for decades by producing perfumes that closely resemble human pheromones.

We also respond very strongly to the  non-verbal messages given by our date. Researchers have noticed that when people are attracted to each other they tend to mirror one another’s body language, folding their arms at the same time, gesturing in the same way as though they are attuned to each other sometimes even speaking in unison, they may feel very familiar to each other.

The next stages
After a successful first date where you feel you have really connected you may be feeling the first fluttering of love. Some people swear they fell in love with their partner at first sight. There are a lot of chemicals racing around your brain and body when you’re in love. Estrogen and testosterone play a role in the sex drive area. Without them, we might never venture into the ‘real love’ arena.

That initial giddiness that comes when we’re first falling in love includes a racing heart, flushed skin and sweaty palms. This is due to the dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine we’re releasing. Dopamine is thought to be the “pleasure chemical,” producing a feeling of bliss. Norepinephrine is similar to adrenaline and produces the racing heart and excitement. Together these two chemicals produce elation, intense energy, sleeplessness, craving, loss of appetite and focused attention.

Researchers are using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to watch people’s brains when they look at a photograph of their object of affection what they see in those scans during that “crazed, can’t-think-of-anything-but stage of romance” — the attraction stage — is the biological drive to focus on one person. The scans showed increased blood flow in areas of the brain with high concentrations of receptors for dopamine — associated with states of euphoria, craving and addiction.

Couples in this stage of love focus intently on the relationship and often on little else. Another possible explanation for the intense focus and idealising view is that people in love have lower levels of serotonin and also that neural circuits associated with the way we assess others are suppressed. These lower serotonin levels are the same as those found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders, possibly explaining why those in love obsess about their partner.

Making love last
All of these chemical responses lesson with time and it is possible to have strong chemical reaction to someone who is completely unsuitable and unavailable. Matches made on the grounds of compatibility are less likely to wane when the chemical reactions settle down and you will be left with a love that has the best possible chance of success.

It can be hard to get back into dating if you have been off the scene for a long time, all the rules seem to have changed and it can feel overwhelming and intimidating at first. While you have been away there has been a revolution in the dating world which takes a lot of the discomfort and uncertainty out of it and allows you to meet prospective new partners from the comfort of your own living room.

It is socially acceptable
We have been through a technical revolution in the last twenty years and now the majority of people have used the internet and have regular access to computers even if they don’t actually own one. This is true for every age group and across the social spectrum.

In conjunction with this internet dating has gone through a complete revolution in terms of social acceptability mainly because the internet is now where many of us keep in touch with our friends and family, make arrangements about our social life and get back in touch with old friends.

Dating online used to be considered a risky and shady business where people lied about their age and were embarrassed to own up to it. This has all changed and now it is common for singles of every age to meet dates online.

A gentle reintroduction
Coming out of a marriage can leave you feeling bruised and vulnerable and unclear about what you want for your future. In these circumstances one of the most important things is that you don’t rush into anything too soon.  Online dating through a site like eHarmony provides you with a safe and guided introduction process so that at no point you feel you are out of control and by the time you get to meet someone you have a lot more information about them than you would if you had met them in a bar or club.

Even after the first date there is no obligation to meet the person again if you feel that you didn’t hit it off. After all,  you don’t buy every pair of shoes you try on and it is absolutely fine for you to take time over such an important process. Enjoy the opportunity it affords you to meet people whose path you may never have crossed in other ways.

Be discerning
As with anything that is available online you need to be discerning before you get your credit card out and start signing up. There are free dating sites but being free usually means that they have no joining criteria and are more likely to be misused by people with shady agendas.

The best sites will allow you to sign up and view your matches for free and will then charge a moderate subscription before you can communicate with any of its members. This is a good indication that it is a trustworthy site as you know that everyone who then communicates with you through the site has paid for a subscription which shows a level of commitment to the process of finding the right person. Most subscriptions are less than what you would pay for a night out and are well worth it for the peace of mind and support that often comes as part of your subscription package.

Our advice would be to sign up to one, well-known and trusted site that has a good track record, far better to focus on one site in depth than have multiple profiles on many different sites.

Ask for help
If you are uncertain, do some research, ask friends, you will probably be surprised by how many people have used sites and most people will be happy to pass on useful tips and recommend what worked for them.

Writing a profile about yourself can feel difficult and uncomfortable because most people aren’t used to talking about themselves in flattering and positive ways. Talk to your nearest and dearest and enlist their help. It will good for your self-esteem to hear how others see you and your boldness in going forward in this way could even inspire other people to do the same. If you want to upload a photograph this is another area where friends or family can help you.

Be proud of what you are doing. Let go of any old prejudiced ideas about the internet being for desperate people and see yourself as a proactive person giving yourself the very best opportunity for a happy and fulfilling future with someone who you may know more about before you meet than you ever knew about your ex before you married them.

Most important of all remember to take your time, have fun and let go of any preconceived ideas you may have about online dating. Instead see yourself as joining a global village where this is the most common, accepted and safe way to meet other people.

You’ve seen it a thousand times in films – a hot girl gets together with a very ordinary guy (usually a ‘nerd’) and through a journey of discovery she learns to love him and realise looks aren’t everything.  A fun idea, and great to watch with a big tub of popcorn, but that’s not really reflective of everyday life.

The fact is that no one wants to be in that couple. You know them. They’re the couple you meet where you wonder ‘how the heck did he/she end up with him/her?!’ She might be far richer than him, or maybe he is more obviously attractive than her. Or perhaps one of them is just far, far more enigmatic and engaging than the other. But whatever the combination, no one wants to provoke that reaction when they turn up somewhere with their partner.

This might sound shallow, but relationship equality is actually very important. If a couple bring equal amounts of positive qualities to a relationship then they will be more stable, and ultimately happier. Does this mean that when you’re searching through your matches you should dismiss someone you deem to have a better job, a better life or a better body than you? No, but you should bear these five principles in mind:

1.    Relationships are about making deals
This might sound a bit clinical, but bear with us as this is the best way to explain this concept. A relationship is like a business deal. When you’re looking for a partner you want someone who brings as many good qualities to the table as you. You might be able to do different things for each other too, but the partnership needs to be mutually beneficial. No business would accept a partner that doesn’t bring much to the table, why should you?

2.    Assess what you bring to the table
When it comes to relationships, what qualities do you offer? If it helps, write an honest list. This isn’t an ego-massaging exercise so don’t just list your positive qualities, but neither is it an ego deflating exercise so don’t just list your negative points either. By knowing exactly what you offer in a relationship you can make a more informed decision about just who is in your league.

3.    Learn to read people quickly
As well as being self-aware about your own qualities, it’s important that you can assess a potential partner’s qualities quickly. Some people are very obviously great at sports, naturally funny and creative, but most people have more subtle qualities – and some more than others. If you can identify these qualities, or lack of qualities, quickly you’ll be able to assess whether you really are looking at someone out of your league or not.

4.    It’s not just about hotness
When we talk about someone’s positive qualities we’re not just talking about whether they look good on the beach or not.  Yes, your average bar conversation referring to someone as a ‘10’ or a ‘5’ will be focused solely on looks, but that’s not what meaningful relationships are about. That rating doesn’t take into account the subjectivity of looks, or the person’s sense of humour, dependability, intelligence etc.

5.    Make sure everyone’s a winner
Both people in a relationship should feel like they got a great deal. No one should feel they’ve been conned in their choice of partner. You should feel like a winner for choosing your partner, and your partner should feel like a winner for choosing you, it’s as simple as that.

Ultimately it’s not a simple question of saying ‘that person is out of my league’ or ‘I’m out of that person’s league’. It’s about evaluating each person you come across and working out whether or not you’d make a great partnership. Looks will always be part of the decision, we’re not going to deny otherwise, but you’re fooling yourself if that’s as far as your assessment goes.

Do you think you’ve ever dated out of your league? Tell us in the comments below!

Brighton rocks, and dating in Brighton rocks even more. But don’t get into that old rut of taking your dates to your nearest, comfiest pub. Do something different and you might just find your date turns into something really special.

1.    On the beach
If it’s a sunny day (admittedly, a rare occasion in the UK) then take your date down to Brighton’s beautiful sea front. Judge your date’s mood and character as to whether you decide to hang out on the bustling seafront right near the pier, or whether you want to find a quieter spot further down the coast.

One great thing about a picnic date is that not only is it economical, it also gives you a great opportunity to put in some effort and really impress your date. It’s far easier to blow a load of cash on a posh restaurant meal than it is to put together a delicious picnic and choose a pretty beach spot. If you really want to show off, find out your date’s favourite foods and tailor the picnic to them. Even throw in a bottle of Cava or a delicious fruit punch to go the extra mile.

If your date likes nightlife, pack away your picnic basket once the sun starts to fade and get yourselves to one of the sea front beach bars to carry on your date well into the night. Alternatively, have a sunset stroll along the front and stop for ice cream and coffee along the way if you’re eager to keep chatting.

2.    Muse at a museum
Museums make brilliant dates, and unusual museums make even better dates because there’s even more to look at and talk about. For something a bit traditional head to the Brighton Museum and Art Gallery where you can see wonderful exhibitions on art nouveau and images of Brighton – particularly interesting if you’re both from the area.

For something a bit different you can take your date to the Brighton Toy and Model Museum, which houses 1000 square feet of over 10,000 toys throughout the years. Take a trip back in time with your date, and even play with some of the toys on show. There’s nothing like behaving like children to help you bond with your date!

3.    Get on the water
Brighton, we’re sure you’ve noticed, is right next to a huge expanse of sea which means there’s lots of opportunities for messing around in boats. What you do on the water all depends on how adventurous your date is, but head to Brighton Marina for a whole range of different boat trips. If you want to relax on a lazy Sunday then take your date for a coastline tour – if you’re willing to go a bit further afield, some great trips depart from Eastbourne. Alternatively, hop on a powerboat for a white knuckle ride, bouncing off the waves – just make sure your date doesn’t suffer seasickness…

If the sea air helps your work up an appetite, grab some fish and chips from one of the sea front cafes to round off your day!

4.    Paint your heart out
Brighton is famous for being an arty haven on the south coast, so why not tap into your inner artist with a creative date? The Painting Pottery Cafe resides in the North Laine, with a simple concept: choose your piece of property and get painting, either with a pre-chosen design or freehand. Admittedly, this date might require you both to leave any thoughts of being ‘cool’ at the door and simply get your hands dirty. Afterwards you can compare designs – what your date decides to paint might be a really interesting insight into their character! The cafe even does late night Wednesdays, just make sure you book in advance. Then grab your pots and cups and head to Bills Produce Store for some delicious, organic food with a lovely twist of imagination and bustling surroundings.

> Looking for information on dating in other UK cities? Find out more:

London | Bristol |  Edinburgh | Birmingham | Nottingham | Manchester

Sheffield | Bradford | Leeds | Newcastle | Edinburgh | Glasgow

Belfast | Liverpool | Cardiff | Oxford | Cambridge

In theory, it should be the case that what’s inside a person is the only thing that matters. But everyone judges other people on what’s outside to some extent. You might not mean to, you might not be judging on their appearance, but you will be judging them in some way.

After appearance, one of the main ways we tend to evaluate others is on their status. This can be done in several ways:

• Past issues: “I went out with a doctor once, it didn’t go well.”
• Salary: “Shop assistants don’t earn much.”
• Acceptance: “How can I tell my family I’m dating a bin man?”
• Motivation: “If she’s still a bar maid she can’t have much ambition in life.”

There are probably two things you’re thinking here: a) ‘I’ve expressed at least one of those thoughts at some point’ and b)’those aren’t very nice thoughts to have’. You know deep down that not every doctor is the same, just as you know that any bar maid you meet may well be saving money to retrain in a different vocation. Overall though, none of these things have any bearing on how your relationship with this person could work out.

The question now becomes, how can you train yourself not to think these things when you’re evaluating whether someone would make a great date? We have some ideas:

Work out your priorities
Most people are able to reel off a list of qualities they’re looking for in their ideal partner. Unfortunately these often end up sounding like shopping lists where the end result would be the world’s most perfect human being (who, as we all know, doesn’t exist).

Now is the ideal time to work out your REAL list; the qualities and characteristics your potential partner must have, beyond them being ‘tall’, or ‘rich’ or ‘gorgeous’. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone with a great job, but if a person came along who had a prestigious job and a ton of money but made you unhappy, would that really be what you were looking for? Our priorities change as we mature, work out how yours have changed.

Next time you meet someone new suspend your judgement
Next time you meet someone new, monitor your own reactions when you hear what they do for a living. As soon as you feel yourself starting to have negative thoughts, force yourself to hear them out. Perhaps they’re working the job they do because it allows them to pursue their creative ambitions. Or maybe they’re saving up enough money to put themselves through university. Or perhaps they simply enjoy their job, and it frees them up to focus on other things in life. The equation is simple: the more you open up to people, the more chances you have of meeting someone special to you.

Exercise the power of three
Maybe you genuinely think you could never be interested in a relationship with people with certain professions. But, you can’t knock it till you’ve tried it. If you meet someone who you like, but whose status puts you off, commit to going on three dates with them. That way, if you do eventually dismiss them you’ll have a real reason for doing so and won’t simply end up telling your friends, ‘Well she was a nail technician, so I knew she’d have nothing between her ears.’ You might just learn something about yourself, even if that is that your own prejudices don’t hold true.

There’s nothing wrong with having standards about the person you date. We’re not saying you should pop down to your nearest park and pick up the local weirdo. But ultimately your choice in partner should be based on how happy they make you on an everyday basis, not whether you’ll be able to afford gold plated bathroom fittings in your dream home together.

Plus, there’s nothing wrong with challenging your own prejudices every now and then – it could open you up to a whole new world you never knew existed.

Summer’s here (sort of!) so it’s time to take your dating life out into the open. Get some fresh air and have a lovely time with your summer dates!

Become bargain hunters
A great date can be to visit your local car-boot sale or flea market. These are usually held on a Saturday or Sunday morning and will provide you with plenty to talk about as you browse through the contents of other people’s cupboards and lofts. You will learn a thing or two about each others tastes and interests as well as maybe picking up a real bargain. If there is something you would particularly like to find, like an old cine camera, ask your date to keep an eye out for one for you. This will develop a sense of teamwork and closeness. Or you could set a challenge and see who can get the best bargain for £1.

Have fun, try things on, and suggest things for each other, interact with the stall holders and show off your haggling skills. You can learn more about each other in one morning than you would over numerous dinner dates.

(Consult your local newspaper and signs around town for time and location).

Go-Ape
This is not for the faint-hearted but is a fantastic way to spend up to 3 hours on a summer’s day. Go Ape is best described as a ‘tree-top adventure’ and is all about getting out in the open, having fun & being more adventurous.

Take one lush, green forest and a healthy dollop of breathtaking scenery; blend with a smattering of tree-top high wires, tricky crossings (using ladders, walkways, bridges and tunnels made of wood, rope and super-strong wire) and wind-in-your-face zip wires; finished off with a liberal dose of people in search of their inner Tarzan.

They will kit you out with harnesses, pulleys and karabiners, give you safety briefing and then let you loose into the forest canopy, free to swing through the trees. Of course, instructors are always on hand, regularly patrolling the forests so you are perfectly safe and can stop whenever you need to. As a date it is fantastic combining thrill, adventure, laughter and a strong sense of togetherness.

There are 27 courses all over the country.

Messing about on the water
There are many different ways to enjoy the English waterways. Wherever you live you are sure to be near a river, lake or the sea. If you happen to own your own yacht all well and good but even if you don’t there are many opportunities to hire a boat or take a river cruise.

There is little more romantic than hiring a rowing boat. The gentle sounds of the riverbank, a picnic basket between you and a balmy summer day, a true picture of romance and a great way to relax and enjoy some quiet time together.

Volunteer together for a day
In every community around the country there are loads of opportunities to give your time as a volunteer be it by doing a run or walk for a charity or getting involved in conservation work.

There are hundreds of community projects all around the country crying out for volunteers and a date doing something altruistic together will make you feel like you have done something worthwhile. You can help a community in a real way and you feel the rewards in your relationship.

Many people think that volunteering has to be an ongoing commitment but there are lots of opportunities to give just a few hours of your time. Search the web for opportunities in your area like Orange Rockcorps in London, a project where you give 4 hours of your time helping with either a conservation, education or health and wellbeing project and in return you get a ticket to a gig at Wembley arena.

Outdoor concert
There are loads of outdoor concerts throughout the summer months and it might be something you already have planned. Our suggestion would be step out of your comfort zone and go and see something neither of you have ever experienced before. Opera in the park is a great opportunity to dress up and take an elaborate picnic and if you have never experienced live opera before it can be a moving experience. If you are normally a fan of the classical then maybe don your wellies and go to a local gig in a muddy field and enjoy the sense of freedom that dancing in the middle of a crowd can give you.

Whatever dates you go on this summer, have fun, let your hair down and enjoy yourselves.

We aren’t necessarily talking about the big commitments here. Every relationship develops over a period of time and each stage requires both parties to be willing to move forward and commit to the next stage. This is a gradual process and usually unconscious for the most part. You may commit to talking online at a certain time, then commit to meet somewhere for a date, then agree to see each other again at a certain time and place. Before we get to any of the big life commitments like marriage and children we have usually made dozens of small commitments to each other.

There are some people who are flaky and unreliable right from the off and these relationships don’t usually get off the ground but there are also others where it has all been going well, you like her, she likes you yet whenever the subject of a future together comes up she pulls back, goes quiet or changes the subject leaving you with a sense that she isn’t as committed as you are. This can be confusing, upsetting and difficult to talk about. Here are some of the possible reasons this could happen:

1.    She was hurt in the past
The first and most obvious reason that someone is unwilling to commit in a new relationship is because they are still carrying hurt from a previous one. We learn from our experiences and if a relationship ended badly then it can affect our trust, self-esteem and willingness to put ourselves in a vulnerable position again. This is true for everyone and our faith is usually restored when we have been through a grieving period, licked our wounds and started meeting new people.

For some women though the process isn’t that simple. If she has found herself in a relationship with a man who started off as charming and loving but became domineering, aggressive, bullying and she was unable to stand up for herself this could seriously affect her ability to commit again. We’re not suggesting that men don’t also find themselves in these kinds of relationships but despite the modern times we live in most women are physically smaller and weaker than their male counterparts and therefore more vulnerable to being dominated in this way.

If this is the case be patient and let her talk about it when she is ready.

2.    Going too fast
It might be that she is willing to commit but that you are simply moving at a different pace. New relationships are very exciting and it can be tempting to want to leap in and profess your undying love on the second date if you feel you have finally found ‘the one’.  As a general rule of thumb we suggest six dates before you begin to talk about any long-term commitment. Give yourselves time to get to know each other, enjoy the process. Although most women say that they want a man who is sensitive and romantic she can quickly lose respect for a man who wants to marry her without having taken the time to get to know her. There might be a sense of “you wouldn’t feel like that if you really knew me” so get to know her, this takes time.

3.     Friends and family
Women are often strongly influenced by the opinion of their family and friends. It might be that she loves being with you because you are great company on a one-to-one but when you are around her family and friends you just don’t shine in the same way. This is a common problem and women will openly ask their family and friends for their opinion on a new partner.

Whether you like it or not the answer will have an influence on her decision to take it further. Mothers of course are the crucial influence so whatever you do try to get to know her too. We all love to talk about ourselves. Show interest in her friends and family, ask questions, and remember details. It might seem like a big ask but it can make all the difference in a long run.

4.    Different life goals
She may be really into you, love spending time with you but if there is no hope of you fathering her children, either because of choice or circumstances, she might not commit. Or it may be the other way round, you desperately want a family and she doesn’t. If you met her on eHarmony, the question of children is covered in the Relationship Questionnaire but women do change their minds, particularly in their 30s when their biological clock begins to tick.

5.    Keeping options open
She may just be playing the field. When people join eHarmony for example, they usually get a number of matches. While some people will just choose one to focus on at any one time others might be going on a date with someone different every other night. Either approach is OK as long as all parties are open and upfront. It may be that you would prefer her to focus exclusively on getting to know you and if that is the case you must be honest about your feelings.

Examine your motives
One of the biggest mistakes people make is jumping into the dating pool too early. This happens because their motives are to prove something to themselves or their ex, or because they can’t bear the space in their life that the divorce has left and need to fill the vacant position as soon as possible. When we are driven by this kind of motivation we are liable to make bad choices and end up with more pain and heartache to deal with. There is the old cliché about meeting someone on the rebound but as with all cliches it has come about because it contains truth. Meeting someone on the rebound could be unfair to them and yourself.

All women are …….  All men are ……..
If your view of the opposite sex is seriously damaged by your marriage experience it is all too easy to generalise about the opposite sex but these prejudices will block you from forming a healthy new relationship. Take responsibility for looking at those beliefs and counteract them by looking at the healthy relationships you have with members of the opposite sex amongst your family and friends.

If your experience really is that ‘All women/men are …’ it may be that you need to look at your own behaviour in relationships to see if there is something you could do differently so you don’t repeat the same mistakes again.

A relationship isn’t the be all and end all. Some people look for a new relationship straight away because they want it to make them feel whole but in reality we need to feel complete and whole in ourselves if we want to have healthy relationships where we’re not in constant fear of being left or cheated on.

If you always do what you’ve always done you will always get what you’ve always got.

A new freedom
When you are ready and have fully let go of your marriage it can be an exciting time. It may be you were unhappy for many years before your marriage ended and beginning dating marks the start of a new chapter in your life. While you do need to be wary of making the same mistakes again it will be difficult to move forward if you are constantly comparing your dates with your ex. Try, as far as possible, to meet each new date with an open mind and an open heart and judge them on their own merits.

Enjoy time to pursue new or old interests, spend time with your friends and family, take time to really review your life and think about where you want to be in five years time. Be clear about what you want, do you want something light-hearted and fun or are you looking for a life partner, take the reigns of your life back. Really attractive people are people who are lit up by life, enthusiastic and optimistic not jaded and bitter.

A private life
If you have children the chances are that you will still be having some sort of contact with your ex and you will have to take their feelings into consideration when you start dating again. Exes can sometimes start making life very difficult if they feel you are moving on and they aren’t. If there are issues around finances and child care it is better to keep your new life to yourself at first rather than aggravate what may already be a sensitive situation.

Children need particular consideration after divorce no matter how old they are. They need to go through their own grieving process which can often take much longer because they weren’t part of the decision to divorce. The introduction of someone new in their lives when they are going through this process and getting used to their new living situation can prompt some challenging behaviours, even in adult children who have left home.

The answer is to give it time. Once you have met someone special and feel sure that there is a future together then most people will be happy for you. There is no rush and what’s most important is that you let go of the past and embrace your new future.