Everyone has problems in life, some big and some small. It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that if only you were with that special someone your problems would be easier to manage or, better still, would disappear altogether. The bad news is that even people in happy fulfilling relationships have problems.

Dating isn’t a fix to problems and using it as such can actually make some situations worse. Here we look at cases where dating isn’t the best answer.

To resolve financial difficulties

The cost of living is rising every week and many people are struggling to meet their financial responsibilities. It is logical to think that if you had a partner you would be able to share many living costs such as the rent or mortgage and utility bills once you live together. The reality is that is takes months, sometimes years, for a relationship to move to a position where a couple has shared finances, this is not a quick fix solution.

Dating because of financial hardship can stop you from really getting to know someone because you will rush to move the relationship on. It may also mean that you start looking at matches in a mercenary way only considering those that are solvent or affluent. This is not the best way to judge someone’s character and even if you do manage to marry a millionaire the foundations for the relationship are likely to be very unstable.

If you are facing serious difficulties look into alternative ways of making ends meet like taking in a lodger or cutting back on overheads. If you can’t find solutions yourself it may be wise to seek professional advice from an agency specialising in debt management or can help you with day to day budgeting.

To please family and friends

If your family and friends are putting pressure on you to date it is better in the long run for you to resist the temptation to please them and wait until you feel completely ready to date again. If you have been through a divorce or bereavement it is doubly important that you come back to the dating scene in your own time rather than someone else’s. Dating too soon can damage your confidence in the long run and your heart won’t be fully in it if you are doing it for other people. That is not to say that a gently nudge in the right direction isn’t a good thing sometimes but in the end unless you are dating because you want to it is unlikely you will find the love you deserve.

To avoid problems

We all have problems and while dating can be a pleasant distraction for a while it is not a long term strategy. The most common types of problems people use dating to try and avoid are dissatisfaction with life, family tensions – particularly issues with an ex partner or parents – emotional problems and addiction issues. It is easy to see how dating can be a soothing balm if you are dealing with any of these issues but the fact is that the problems aren’t going to go away unless you address them directly. The temporary excitement of a new relationship can make people forget about deeper issues as their head is full of the joy of romance. Inevitably when the honeymoon period is over the problems usually resurface and you will have the added complication of someone else’s feelings to consider as you try to tackle them.

You will know when you are using dating as an avoidance tactic. Be brave and tackle your problems while you are single so that when you do start dating you are really emotionally available and have nothing to hide.

To replace a lost partner

It is painful to lose a significant relationship however it happens. For some people the pain is so intense they can’t bear it and they start dating again immediately in an attempt to fill the emptiness they feel inside. Rebound relationships rarely last because the pain of the loss hasn’t been dealt with. It is like a dentist filling a tooth without removing the decay – the pain will eventually return and may be worse than it was before.

However difficult it is to cope with the loss it is important that you work through it and come to a place of peace and acceptance before you start dating again. Talk to somebody, get professional help if you need to, but work it all now or it will come up again later.

If someone has hurt you dating for revenge is the very worst reason to get involved with somebody new. It is unfair to use someone in this way and the chances are you will both get hurt in the end.

Preparation is everything when it comes to doing something that scares us – the more prepared you are the calmer you will feel and the more likely it is that your date will get to see the real you rather than a jumble of nerves. Here is a checklist to help you get ready for that all-important first date.

A day or two before

- Know where you are going, how you are going to get there and how you will get home, double check with your date if you aren’t sure. If it is an unfamiliar area check it out on Google Maps and plan your route. Always allow longer than you think you will need especially at peak times.

- If you are going to a restaurant you haven’t visited before check to see if they have an online menu then you can make your selection before you go and not get flustered at the point of ordering – you can also check the prices to ensure you have enough cash.

- If you need a babysitter double check they are booked factoring in at least an hour each side of the date so you aren’t rushing.

- Decide what you are going to wear. Keep it comfortable and suitable for where you are going – it’s good to check the weather forecast too.

- Take care of any personal grooming, pamper yourself so you feel your best.

- Read the paper or watch the news so that you have topics of current interest to talk about if conversation dries up a little. (And don’t worry if the conversation dries up, sometimes this is just nerves)

On the day

- Have your porridge – it doesn’t have to be porridge but anything that is a slow release carbohydrate an hour or two before your date. Whole grains are a sustained source of energy that keeps your blood sugar stable so even if you are feeling nervous your mood won’t be all over the place.

- Tell a friend where you are going and what time you expect to be back. Arrange to give them a call on your return so they know you got back ok. This is also a good chance to debrief after the date!

- Look your best – don’t try and look perfect, you are the best version of you there is. Let your natural self shine through, beauty is an attitude not an outfit. Remember the best thing you can wear is a smile.

- Check you have everything you need: keys, money, address and fully charged mobile phone.

- Leave in plenty of time – it is better to get there early and have time to spare than to arrive late and flustered.

On the way

- Stay calm – if you are prone to negative self-talk practice being your own best friend and give yourself a reassuring pep talk noticing all the good things about yourself and how brave and courageous you are being going to meet a new date.

- Take a taxi if parking might be a problem or if you intend to have a few drinks, it is often a much calmer way of travelling than going on public transport.

- Try not to think too much about the date or project into a future of happily ever after or impending doom. A lot of people experience disappointment when they meet a date for the first time, not because there is anything wrong with them but because they have built such a clear picture of how they will be that the reality doesn’t match up – just like when you read a book and then they make a film – its never as good as your mental image – or as bad as your worst imaginings.

When you are there

- Leave your problems at the door – this is a date not a therapy session.

- Postpone judgement – don’t decide in the first few minutes if this is the one for you or if you want to see them again. Wait until the next day when you have had a chance to reflect and to talk the whole date over with someone, this will stop you from focussing too much on things that aren’t perfect. Remember your date is probably every bit as nervous as you.

- Relax – be present and give your date your undivided attention, keep mobiles on silent and off the table and show an interest in the person in front of you. Avoid trying to get into their head and trying to work out what they are thinking of you, they will let you know in time.

- Have a good time but don’t get horribly drunk. This often happens when people are nervous or haven’t eaten all day and then even a glass of wine can tip them over the edge.

- Enjoy yourself and show your appreciation for the time you spend together even if you don’t think you want to date them again.

Age is relative – someone may be 60 yet have the health, looks and vitality of a 40 year old while conversely some 40 year olds seem ready to collect their pensions. Age isn’t just about the time you have been on the planet it is often the attitude and approach to life which makes someone seem youthful or aged. With huge advances in technology creating all manner of age-defying treatments, better diet, dental care and life expectancy it is entirely possible to stay looking, and feeling, young well into middle age. So given all this, do traditional notions of appropriate age gaps still matter?

What is traditionally appropriate?

What is traditionally deemed acceptable changes with age, especially as people grow older . A 17 year old girl dating a 31 year old man may raise an eyebrow but a 31 year old woman dating a 45 year old man probably wouldn’t. According to some a way of deciding an age range to date in is once you are over 18 to only date someone where their age difference is within one fifth of your own age – one fifth of a 20 year olds age is 4 years so they could date someone between 16 and 24 (4 years younger or 4 years older) – someone who is 60 would have a 12 year margin so the age range would be 48 – 72. This seems quite restrictive but can be a useful way of deciding on an appropriate age range to search for matches in.

Older men dating much younger women seems to have always been acceptable in almost all cultures but older women with younger men is becoming much more accepted and commonplace.

Family planning

If having a family is something you want in a relationship then obviously age differences become a bigger consideration in the dating process. Women’s fertility begins to diminish after the age of 35 and while men can physically father children until a much later age a man who doesn’t become a father until he is 50 will be 68 by the time that child reaches adulthood. Financial, health and economic factors also change as we grow older and these can sometimes make child rearing more difficult in later life.

If having a family isn’t part of your future plans then there are examples of many happy and healthy couples who have age gaps of 10 – 20 years. Anything over 25 years does begin to raise problems in terms of compatibility because you are effectively from different generations and therefore you life experiences, beliefs and values may be so vastly different if can become a cause of contention as you negotiate important decisions in your relationship.

It doesn’t matter now but will it matter later?

When someone of 30 is dating someone who is 50 the age difference may not seem particularly significant. It will probably start to become more difficult when issues around retirement or health problems arise. A 60 year old who is only just approaching retirement may be making plans for embarking on their life’s ambitions which they haven’t had a chance to fulfil while they were working – an 80 year old may well be coping with very different life challenges and the differences could become incompatible even if they weren’t earlier on in the relationship.

How old do you think you are?

Sometimes people get matched with people in the age bracket they specified only to realize that what 40 looks like on some people is very different to how they see themselves. A positive upbeat attitude generally makes you feel younger as does an enthusiastic and optimistic outlook. People who are jaded, bitter and cynical about the world and relationships come across as being much older than they actually are. If you are young at heart include something about that in your profile.

Problems

The biggest problem couples with a large age gap experience is jealousy and insecurity often with the older partner believing that their younger spouse will one day be attracted to someone their own age. When men date younger women, it can make them feel a lot younger but for women, being with somebody younger often makes them feel older and more conscious of their appearance.

Keep an open mind

As with all aspects of the dating process stay flexible and keep an open mind. Qualities developed through emotional maturity are the ones most likely to ensure the success of the relationship than anything to do with chronological age.

And finally, don’t ever lie about your age. Any relationship that is built on dishonesty will have insecure foundations which sooner or later will rock its stability

The definition of a dysfunctional relationship is commonly agreed to be a relationship that causes more emotional turmoil than satisfaction. Often people don’t know they have got involved in a dysfunctional relationship until they are well and truly in it and struggling to get out. To help you avoid finding yourself in one here are the four most common dysfunctional relationship types and their warning signs.

1. Codependent

The term “co-dependent” generally means any person who focuses on another person in order to gain some kind of control over them. Co-dependency can look very much like love because it is a mental obsession with someone else’s business – all the love songs are full of this kind of sentiment ‘I can’t get you off my mind’ or ‘I can’t live, if living is without you’. This complete absorption with the object of our affection only becomes dysfunctional when it starts causing painful emotional turmoil and stops you from getting on and living your own life.

Warning sign – a person who is happy when you are, sad when you are and wants to do all they can to control your moods, behaviour and has little or no life of their own outside of the relationship.

2. Bullying or abusive

There are usually lots of little warning signs that a relationship has the potential to become abusive. Abuse isn’t just about physical violence, people can be verbally and emotionally abusive too undermining their victim’s self-esteem gradually over time. You may not spot the signs on the first few dates, it’s often not until a conflict arises that the bully or abuser shows themselves and most often it is through a sharp comment, put down or what looks like a temper tantrum leaving you feeling guilty and confused as to what you did to prompt such a violent response. This is the key – you feel responsible for provoking their bad behavior. When things have calmed down this will often be reinforced by the abuser, they may be the one who gets the apology even though in your heart you are sure you didn’t do anything wrong.

Warning signs – violent displays of temper; an inability to see what they did wrong (often pointing it out will lead to another outburst); a history of previous abuse either as a victim or a perpetrator; the feeling that you can’t be emotionally honest for fear of triggering their anger.

3. Parental mirroring

This is a very common problem – either one or both parties have unresolved issues with a parent and are ‘acting out’ the old dysfunctional pattern with a new partner. Unconsciously we mirror the primary relationships we witnessed as a child. If the relationship was healthy and functioning that is all well and good – our parents were good role models. What is often the case is that a dysfunctional upbringing is recreated – sometimes with startling accuracy, like when a woman with an alcoholic father ends up married to an alcoholic even though it has caused her so much pain growing up. People are often drawn to partners who are strikingly similar in looks, manner and characteristics as their parent of the opposite sex.

There are various psychological explanations as to why this happens. For those involved there is often an awareness that all is not well coupled with an almost magnetic pull to stick with it because it feels so familiar.

Warning signs – your partner shares many characteristics with your dysfunctional parent (or you theirs); you often feel very young and childlike within the relationship and as though your feelings are out of control or your partner treats you as though you are a parent by being rebellious, defiant and childlike.

4. Lack of intimacy

The thing that separates friends from lovers is intimacy – physical and emotional. Sexual intimacy is a natural and healthy part of adult life. Unfortunately sex is also the largest potential area of dysfunction when it comes to emotional development because it is so caught up with moral, religious and social education.

Every couple will have times when they have little or no sex and that is natural too – intimacy isn’t just about the physical act – this area becomes dysfunctional when one or both partners are not getting their needs for sex, warmth or affection fulfilled within the relationship and feel frustrated as a result.

Warning signs – not as much affection or warmth as you would like right at the beginning of the relationship; a pre-existing problem in this area that hasn’t been addressed.

If your relationship falls into any one of these categories it does not mean that it is doomed to failure. An awareness of the problem is half the battle when it comes to solving it. Talk to your partner, get professional help if needed and remember that most relationships have some level of dysfunction in them, it’s what you do with it that counts.

Sometimes relationships don’t work out because the people involved simply don’t understand what the other person wants. This is ofent true when it comes to men understanding what women want. There is no magic formula for making someone fall in love with you. Not everyone can be a Greek Adonis or have the body of an athlete but there are some attitudes and behaviour which all men could adopt which women will find irresistible and which will give you the best chance of success when you are dating.

1.      Your attention please

It is a very simple thing and all of us want attention from the person we are dating. Most women are happy to share their man with sports, politics, cars, or other hobbies as long as she feels that there are times when he thinks just about her. Time and attention go hand in hand and most women are very appreciative of time that is given freely and for no particular purpose other than because a man wants to be in her company.

Be thoughtful when you are with her and put away mobile phones or other distractions and focus on her and her needs. If making her happy makes you happy then you are certainly onto a winner. Women rate men very highly when they are willing and able to show their enthusiasm and commitment to the relationship – the more demonstrative you are the better. It may sound old fashioned but cherish her and the time you spend with her – even the most ardent feminist likes to feel that her partner can be relied upon for support in times of need – if you notice when that is, because you are paying attention to how she is feeling, then you will get extra brownie points.

2.      Hear what she saying

Good communication is vital for the development of any healthy relationship. For a woman it is particularly important because women bond and create intimacy through communication more so than men do. Women generally want to be listened to and to feel as though their partner cares about what they are saying.

Listening is an active rather than a passive activity and you can show you are listening to her through your body language and non-verbal gestures. Men tend to think that they are listening if they can repeat word for word what someone has just said but often when a woman is talking she is trying to communicate more than her words are saying.

Don’t formulate answers while she is speaking or automatically assume she is telling you something because she wants you to help or fix things for her. For example, if a woman was relating a story about a difficult situation at work, many men would automatically suggest a solution like ‘You should leave.’ This can leave the woman feeling frustrated because she isn’t necessarily looking for a solution, she is sharing to feel close to you. If, however, you say something like ‘That must be really difficult for you, what are you going to do?’ or tell her how you coped with a similar situation she will feel validated, supported and more connected to you because you understand her. Follow up on situations, asking how things worked out a few days or weeks later; remember the names of people who are important to her and she will soon begin to see that you are someone very special.

3.      Tell her how she makes you feel

Women’s most common complaint about men is that they don’t share how they feel about things, especially about the relationship. There is little more attractive than feeling that you are attractive to someone else. Don’t be shy about telling your partner how attractive you find her. Be specific about what it is that you value and appreciate, not just in her physical attributes but also in her manner, temperament and how she makes you feel. If it is appropriate tell her she is sexy and desirable and how much you enjoy being with her. Don’t do any of this with the expectation of a result but because you are moved to do so.

There is a fine line between being an adoring puppy and being a feeling, passionate man who she will come to love and respect. Whatever else you do make sure, above and beyond all else, that you are emotionally available, open and honest with her – that is irresistible.

It is hard writing a dating profile. We English aren’t great at blowing our own trumpets but inside we all know there are certain things we are good at and qualities we like about ourselves. There are other things though that may not be so obvious – our hidden strengths. Here’s how to discover what they are.

Take an inventory

Any good business knows that in order to run effectively they need to have a full measure of their assets. They do this by taking a regular inventory, counting their stock, looking at what they own, assessing what is popular with customers and if any of their products has lost them money or is holding them back. Undertaking this process in a personal way is no different and will give you a full measure of who you are, what your strengths are and also areas that need some work.

Take a piece of paper and divide it into 5 columns

strengths – weaknesses – characteristics – fears – achievements

Without thinking about it too much, write down as many things as you can think of in each column. You don’t need to do the whole thing in one sitting, take your time and do it over a few days as new things come to mind. When you are sure there is nothing more you want to add to any of the columns you can begin to analyse the results.

Do you have more weaknesses than strengths? This is natural because most of us are unaccustomed to identifying what is really good about ourselves. Go to the column on achievements and look at the things you are proud of – they don’t have to be huge things – learning to drive, getting a job or overcoming a personal problem are all worthy achievements. What strengths did you need to achieve this? Maybe you needed patience, endurance, clear thinking or perseverance. These can be achievements from any time in your life so look back and see what you have been proud of. Add these to your strengths list.

Now look at your fears. Are these things you have experienced before and don’t want to have to deal with again? Many people are afraid of things because they mistakenly believe that they wouldn’t be able to cope if that thing happened. The reality is that you have probably overcome many fears in your life and you have coped – maybe even grown stronger as a result of your experience. Try and think of times when you have overcome adversity and see what strengths and qualities were needed in that situation – add these to your strengths list.

Look at your characteristics – not just what you think they are but what others say about you too – what would your best friend say? If you don’t know what your best friend would say maybe take this opportunity to ask them. Tell them what you are doing and ask for their help. Many of your characteristics will also be strengths i.e. good sense of humour in characteristics is also a strength as it may help you see the lighter side of life even in difficult situations. Go through each characteristic – even the negative ones – and see where it has helped you in the past. Being stubborn might mean you get things done; being fussy could mean you pay a lot of attention to detail. Add everything you find to your strengths list.

Finally look at your weaknesses. Are they holding you back? Weaknesses tend to get out of control and begin to run our lives when we start to believe that they are all of who we are rather than just a small part. Even if you are tackling a difficult issue like weight loss getting a more balanced perspective on who you are will help stop the negative self talk that often accompanies such problems. Most people are much more able to see the negative than the positive but even weaknesses will have their positive side. Being lazy might mean you find it easy to relax; overeating, that you enjoy cooking and appreciate food. Go through them all and try to find a positive aspect in each and add them to your strengths column. You can use the strengths you have identified to tackle any behaviour that has got out of control.

Balance the books

Hopefully this process will reveal to you many strengths you didn’t know you had but it is important to remember that no-one is perfect or without weaknesses. Acknowledging and accepting your weaknesses, rather than denying them, is in itself strength and will keep you real.

Take away the ‘s’ and the word ‘smothering’ becomes ‘mothering’ with all its connotations of being fussed over, controlled and questioned about where you have been and what you have been doing. This behaviour may come from loving concern but it can be stifling and eventually leads to children fleeing the nest. In relationships this type of interest and concern – smothering – can be too intense for many people and they too might feel the urge to fly. Here we examine some of the signs that your love and affection may be crossing that subtle line.

It’s all about you

When you are smothering someone the whole relationship is about your needs, your desires and how you want things to be. Even if your partner is tactfully trying to get a bit of space for themselves their voice is probably being drowned out by yours – you have a picture of how it is going to be and anything that contradicts that is simply overruled because you know best. When the pressure gets too much they will probably do a disappearing act because it is unlikely you will be able to hear what they have to say or what they want.

This type of controlling behaviour doesn’t mean that you are a selfish person. It usually means that for whatever reason you are feeling particularly insecure and full of fear about the relationship. Maybe you have been hurt in the past or perhaps you are struggling to believe you are worthy of love. Whatever the reason, the sad news is that the tighter you hold on the more likely it is that you will drive the person away rather than bring them closer to you. Love must be given freely in order to flourish.

Try backing off a bit and asking your partner what they want or need – maybe let them take the lead in contacting you for a while e.g. only text or contact them in response to them contacting you first, that way you will know that they are in touch because they want to be rather than because you contacted them. Ultimately this will make you feel more secure because you will get a real measure of their interest in you rather than having to live with the fear that if you let go of the reigns the horse would bolt – if they do it may be better to let them go.

Checking in or checking up?

It is completely natural to want to be in touch with your partner regularly – after all you are building a life together – but are you really checking in with them or checking up on them because you are feeling insecure and want some reassurance from them that they haven’t forgotten about you, gone off you or changed their mind about the relationship?

There are so many ways of being in touch with someone these days with email, text, instant messaging or calls as well as social networks it is quite easy to keep tabs on someone 24/7 but it really isn’t the best thing for the relationship.

Constant contact doesn’t allow any time for you to miss each other or to reflect on the time you have spent together. It also carries with it the subtle implication that you don’t trust them. Only you will know in your heart if you are doing it out of love or fear. In order for yours to grow into a healthy relationship you need to be able to cope with the times when you are not in touch; you don’t know where your partner is or what they are doing and get on with your own life until you see them again.

Wanting more than they are willing to give

Sometimes there is a mismatch in terms of what one person needs and what the other person has to offer. When you are smothering someone you are generally demanding more than they can give to you.  Some partners may give everything they have but you still feel frustrated and hungry for more – like it will never be enough. In other situations people may be giving a lot because they want to receive the same level of attention back and feel angry and frustrated when their affection isn’t returned.

This is love with conditions attached and your partner is unlikely to be able to make you feel secure no matter how hard they try – it is your responsibility to make sure your needs are met in other parts of your life so that there isn’t too much pressure on your partner to be your all and everything.

We all envy things from time to time – someone’s clothes, job, lifestyle or car. It is a natural human emotion that often gives us the drive and ambition to get those things for ourselves. It can be uncomfortable to feel because it often makes us feel inferior to others or somehow like we are less worthy than they are because we don’t have those things. In the sphere of relationship envy you can let go of the discomfort and start putting your envy to good use.

Break it down

When we see relationships that we envy it is usually the overall impression that creates the feeling. It can seem as though there is a soft fuzzy glow surrounding couples who are in love but what is it that gives us the impression that they are happy and makes us envy them? What is it that makes a couple look so appealing to you? Is it the way they touch each other in an affectionate way? Is it the way they communicate with each other in a loving supportive way and genuinely seem to enjoy each other’s company? Or do you envy less demonstrative couples who give off a sense of total commitment and compatibility without being all over each other?

Observing what sort of couples you envy will give you a lot of information about the type of relationship you want for yourself.

What are you thinking?

Envy is a natural and harmless emotion. What makes it damaging and destructive is when it sets of a train of negative thoughts, for example:

That will never happen to me – It’s not fair – They are only together because they are good looking – Only good looking people find love – I am not loveable – I will never find a partner

If these thought patterns are triggered every time you see a happy couple then they will eventually become entrenched and can become beliefs systems. The most common reason people struggle in intimate relationships is because of belief systems that tell them they are not worthy of love. The good news is you can reprogram your thinking – it takes time but it is possible. Next time you see a couple and feel envy try consciously finding things about them that you identify and try to think in a more positive way, like this:

I’m so looking forward to falling in love – I don’t know when it will happen but I know it will – neither of them are perfect but they still found love and so will I – everybody is capable of giving and receiving love – it is nice to see how happy they are together

Making a conscious effort to think like this when you feel envy will gradually change your belief systems and how you feel about yourself making it much more likely that you will find the relationship you deserve.

Comparing your insides with someone else’s outsides

The other reason envy is such an uncomfortable emotion is because we are usually comparing how we feel on the inside – full of worries, insecurities, fears, hopes and dreams, lists of things to do, ongoing dramas and  emotions etc – it can feel pretty messy in there sometimes. When we compare our messy insides with the outside image other people present to us – happy, carefree, peaceful, grown up, competent etc – it is not surprising that we come away feeling down on ourselves and inadequate.

The thing to remember is that even in the most seemingly perfect of situations people still have problems – look what happened with Lady Diana and Prince Charles – they had everything going for them but it didn’t stop their marriage from falling apart or insecurities coming up to plague them. Given this we are not comparing like with like when we compare ourselves with others – like a duck on a pond other people may look serene on the surface but be paddling away like mad underneath. If you were able to see the whole picture – someone’s past, problems, fears and insecurities as well as the moment of happiness you are witnessing you would probably not feel envy but compassion. You would probably be glad that they had found some happiness despite everything that had happened to them.

Use your envy to learn about your personality, what you want for yourself and what you value in others.

Relationships are made up of a series of increasing commitments both big and small. We commit to dates, times to meet and then later on to bigger, more lasting commitments. The pace at which a relationship moves on is different for everyone and sometimes men hold back while woman are generally more eager to progress. Here are the five most common reasons this happens.

1.      Hurt from the past

Once bitten twice shy. Men can be deeply affected by the break-up of a relationship and where women will often talk things through with friends and family men are much more likely to bury their hurt deep inside and vow never to let themselves be hurt like that again. Men tend to think in terms of problems and solutions and if the problem was that a woman hurt or betrayed them the simple solution might seem to be to not let a woman get so close again. If you think your man is holding back because he is still badly bruised from a previous relationship then the only solution is patience. Give him time, show you appreciate all that he can give you and that you are prepared to wait for what he can’t give you right now.

If you suspect that he is still hung up on his ex the chances are he may never commit to you if his heart is elsewhere, better to cut your losses and find someone who is emotionally available.

2.      Enjoying the bachelor lifestyle

If a man has never had a long term relationship, or has been in one but had a few months on his own, it might be that he is simply enjoying the bachelor life. He is able to hang out with his mates, leave his dirty washing on the floor, watch sports programmes uninterrupted and generally indulge in being a bloke without being nagged to change or feel bad about wanting to do these things. Obviously not all men are like this – their interests and activities will vary but one of the most common complaints men have about women is that they nag – when you live on your own you can do what you please, when you please, without upsetting anyone else.

3.      Keeping his options open

When people join eHarmony they usually get lots of matches and it can be tempting for men to play the field a bit and enjoy the sudden abundance of female attention and interest. Traditional dating is difficult for men, especially if they are a bit shy, as it is still generally expected for men to make the first move and therefore risk rejection. The matching procedure on eHarmony takes all the uncertainty out of that – here are loads of single women and initial contact is made online through icebreakers and guided communication.

If you believe your man is still chatting and dating other women it is important that you talk to him about it and establish if, and when, you will become exclusive – don’t assume that because you have stopped dating other people he naturally will or that the relationship is doomed if he doesn’t. Honesty and openness are the key factors here and it’s important to remember not to compromise your own principals in order to accommodate somebody else. If you want a committed, exclusive relationship and you are dating someone who is a bit of a player you need to decide how long you are going to give him to settle down before you accept it isn’t going to work out.

4.      Married to his work

Many men find it hard to commit to a woman because they are already fully committed – to their work. A man’s career is often bound up with his identity or ego and the drive to be the best at what he does can be all-consuming particularly if he works in a very competitive field. Many women find this difficult to reconcile. They want to be number one on their man’s list of priorities and often have a different view of work – as a means to an end rather than the whole purpose of life.

5.      You are pushing to hard

Men generally don’t like to be pushed into something before they are ready so maybe back off a bit and let him come to the point of wanting to commit to you in his own time. If he only commits because you went on and on about it you won’t feel as secure and stable as you would if it had come spontaneously from him.

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book on death and dying there are five stages to grief-  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Not everyone will go through them in the same order or even experience them all – grief is a highly individual process. The important thing to remember is that only you can know when you feel ready to move on and date again and although others may advise you to do it sooner you need to trust your own heart. When you are ready here are some suggestions for the first steps in the process.

Take it slowly

There is no rush. When you start noticing that your thoughts are turning more towards the future than dwelling in the past you could start by browsing profiles of people who you think might be suitable matches. If even this innocent activity makes you feel guilty or disloyal then it may be that you have not fully accepted your loss yet. In the stages of grief acceptance is the one which is usually the key to being able to move on and create a life with someone else. It is at this stage that people start being able think of their deceased partner with gratitude for the years they had together rather than anger, guilt or regret. Acceptance allows people to appreciate that although the relationship wasn’t perfect (no relationships are) they did the best they could at the time – if they had known their partner was going to die they may have done differently.

Talk it through

When the time comes it can be useful to talk to other people who were also close to your partner about the prospect of you dating again. These conversations can be very useful as they will give you a chance to talk about the person who died and discover how others are feeling about it – this is especially important if there are parents, children or grandchildren involved. You may find people are surprisingly supportive and encouraging and this can help you to move forward because you won’t be worried about upsetting other people.

Sometimes widowed people don’t tell relatives until after they have already met a prospective new partner and then get hurt and upset because they don’t get support. This often isn’t because people object to you having a new partner so much as them believing that you haven’t taken their feelings into consideration. Bereavement leaves people feeling very fragile and vulnerable especially children who lose a parent.

There is a fine balance to be struck between being open and considerate and at the same time not allowing other people’s feelings to dictate your life. Talking to them before you do anything on the dating front will at least prepare them for the possibility of you being with someone else even if they don’t like the idea very much.

Don’t look for a replacement model

No-one will ever be able to replace your lost partner – they were unique and so was your relationship with them. When you are thinking about what you want from a new relationship try to be forward thinking – look at what you want and need in your life now and in the years to come. Are there things that didn’t happen in your previous relationship that you would like to experience? Maybe you want to travel more or learn to dance. Whatever it is now is the time to look forward and fulfil those dreams and ambitions so you don’t get to the end of your life wishing that you had experienced more.

You can change your mind

You may start the dating process and realise that you are not quite ready – that is ok. Give yourself more time, keep talking to friends and family and maybe try again in a few months time. Sometimes we get stuck in grief because there are unresolved issues that we can’t talk to family or friends about. It you feel you are stuck and unable to move on it may be worth contacting a bereavement counselling service such as Cruse (helpline 0844 477 940) where you can talk to someone in confidence who has also been bereaved and who will be able to offer vital support and understanding.

Relationships build over time as we get to know people. Some people are very open and reveal a lot about themselves straight away while others are a bit more of a closed book – harder to read and liable to frustrate someone who is eager to know more. There are also times when nagging doubts keep arising which don’t seem to go no matter how much you talk to your partner and it can be tempting to find other ways of getting the information you want e.g. whether they are still in touch with their ex, where they were on Tuesday night etc. However valid and understandable your reasons, is it ever ok to check up on someone?

Trust

Trust is the foundation of healthy relationships. Some people approach relationships believing you start off with 100% trust and it only diminishes if something happens to break that trust. The other approach is to start off with little or no trust and it is built over time as a person earns it. Wherever the starting point trust can be earned and it can be lost through the actions of the other person.

How easy you find it to trust someone will be greatly affected by your past experiences. If you have been hurt or let down in the past you might find it very hard to trust again. The most common reason for someone to start checking up on their partner is because they feel insecure themselves. This may be as a result of a past experience or due to low self esteem. Whatever the reason the truth is they are checking up on their partner because they want to feel secure but the very act of doing it is likely to make the relationship insecure.

Collecting evidence

If you feel unsure of your partner’s commitment, affection or truthfulness and you start checking up on them the chances are that you will find things that justify your feelings of insecurity simply because that is what you are looking for. You may find seemingly unrelated, innocent events and weave them together as proof simply because it is human nature to want to solve the puzzle. Paranoia may seem like a strong word but this type of behaviour is certainly a misuse of imagination and is likely to make you feel even more insecure. Remember, what you think about you bring about.

Ways people check up on their partners

 - Social media – this is now the most common way that people keep in touch with their partners. Checking someone’s status or seeing when they are online etc are perfectly acceptable behaviours. It only becomes potentially damaging to the relationship if you are hiding it from your partner or feel bad about what you are doing because deep down you know your partner would be unhappy about it. What people put on social networks is there because they are happy for it to be public knowledge but sometimes people find themselves logging into their partner’s facebook account or watching their activity on Twitter without letting on that they are doing it – that is the point at which it stops being ok.

 - Checking phone messages – Most people have a mobile phone that beeps and flashes with messages all day long. Sometimes the messages may make your partner happy, sometimes not, but whenever one comes through it can be tempting to ask who it is from and what it says. It is natural to want to be part of someone’s life and to progressively become more involved in their private world but it becomes a problem when you find yourself picking up their phone and checking the messages yourself when they are out of the room. Never tamper with your partner’s phone – it is private property –  and don’t read their messages unless they invite you to do so. It is not ok. This also applies to emails and instant messaging, it is like reading their diary and could give them a valid reason to end the relationship.

How would you feel?

The best way to make sure you are not crossing the line is to ask yourself how you would feel if your partner was checking up on you? If you believe you have genuine reasons to not trust someone then maybe the relationship isn’t the right one for you. Remember people who are secure in themselves and in the relationship have no need to check up on their partner.

There is no age limit on dating or falling in love and no matter how old you are the desire to find that someone special can still burn just as strongly as it did when you were 20.  The difference is that your hope that it will eventually happen may have faded because you mistakenly believe that you are past it. This is simply not true. Many people come to dating much later in life either because they have been divorced, bereaved or because they spent their younger life devoted to a career and never had time for romance. Not only will you find lots of potential matches in the same age group as you but older people often have a stronger likelihood of success than their younger counterparts for a number of reasons.

You know what you want

Young people have lots of big plans and grand ideas but it isn’t until later in life that we really work out what is important to us. Age also makes us realise things like good looks, flash clothes and status are only temporary and not the essential components for healthy, happy relationships. Far more important are personal qualities such as generosity, respect and kindness – things that will last long after all the glitz and glamour have faded and ensure that the relationship will give a lifetime of happiness rather than a season of fun.

You know yourself better

Part of the reason that young people can find it difficult to settle in relationships is because they are still on a journey of self discovery – they often don’t know who they are, what their values are or what they want to do with their life. As we age we come to know our strengths and weaknesses through having had to face lots of different life situations. We develop strategies for dealing with problems and are clearer about what we can contribute to someone else’s life rather than making extravagant promises which we may not be able to keep.

You have matured emotionally

Many people don’t mature emotionally at the same rate as they do physically – there are many young people who are emotionally mature and older people who are emotionally immature – but there is a good chance that at least some of the elements of emotional maturity will be present in older people. The ability to be objective, to see something from someone else’s point of view, to respond to facts rather than being overwhelmed by feelings – these all have more chance of having developed the more life experience we have had.

You are more appreciative of life

By the time we reach our mid forties most people have lost someone close to them – grandparents, parents, maybe even friends. The experience of loss often has a very grounding effect on our personalities as we face our own mortality. We become less likely to take people and things for granted and more likely to appreciate the good things in life. This can make us more open minded and inclined to believe that a relationship doesn’t have to be perfect in order for it to be happy and fulfilling – without the dark we wouldn’t appreciate the light.

You understand human nature better

Another gift of age and experience is the understanding that feelings aren’t facts and that they will pass – so if someone is angry it doesn’t mean they don’t want to be with you or that they are unhappy with the whole relationship, it means they are angry about something and they are expressing it. Being able to accept that everyone will have good and bad days, is capable of negative emotions like jealousy and hatred and aren’t bad people because they feel them makes us much more likely to be able to sustain a relationship even when the going gets tough. Often these lessons only come with age and experience.

Love can make you live longer

Not only are you never to old to date but dating can also help to ensure that you get to grow even older. Scientific studies have shown that love helps to keep your heart healthy, your blood pressure down and give you more emotional resources to overcome sickness and infirmity because people who have someone special in their lives are often more motivated to recover.

Whether it or not dating can help you live longer there is no doubt that love makes life worth living so it’s worth trying dating whatever your age.

The most common cliché is that of the boss with his secretary but there are many other examples of work-based relationships from the snog at the Christmas party to getting frisky in the supplies cupboard. Work-based relationships aren’t always superficial and it is almost inevitable that at some point in your career you will have a crush on someone at work. Here are some tips to help make sure you don’t end up wanting to resign if it doesn’t work out.

Do:

 - Concentrate on building a good working relationship first – see how you cope with decision making, conflict etc. in the work environment

- Study them as a person – do they have qualities you admire or is it just a physical attraction

- Make sure the feeling is mutual – making a pass at someone who isn’t interested – at worst  it could lead to you being accused of sexual harassment or at best come across as a bit of an office sleaze and liable to being gossiped about

- Consider how the company would view a relationship between you two and reconsider if it could jeopardise either of your positions

- Remember a crush is just a crush and many of them will pass of their own accord if you don’t act on them

- Arrange to discuss any chance of a possible romance away from the office

- Play the tape forward and ask yourself how you will feel if it doesn’t work out or you get rejected

- Accept a no as a no and don’t push, persuade or try to cajole someone into changing their mind if they don’t feel the same way

- Try and maintain a professional standard in your work no matter how strong your feelings are – this will help avoid you getting into trouble with management

- Give things time to develop – if you have a crush that lasts longer than about three months then it may be that you are developing a deeper connection with someone

- Ask yourself if you want a partner who you share your whole life with? They could be with you for 8 hours a day at work and then again when you get home – are you the sort of person that would thrive on this or not?

- Be discreet and never discuss the details of your dates with other work colleagues

Don’t :

 - Go straight to a colleague with your feelings – talk it through with someone away from the situation first

- Drop hints, come on too heavy or make lewd remarks about someone’s appearance

- Conduct your relationship on company time

- Tell your other work mates if you ask someone out or if a colleague asks you on a date – don’t boast about your pulling power or make fun of someone else attempts

- Get involved with someone who is already in a relationship

- Flirt outrageously at work, it can be embarrassing for people around you both and will leave you feeling a bit red faced if nothing comes of it

- Have sex on the first date – or first few dates – it is harder to get out of a relationship with someone you work with as you can’t just not call them so you need to be absolutely sure you both want the relationship to continue before you get physical

- Use your  expense accounts for dates

- Use the company in-house email systems for personal correspondence

- Mistake a passion for a shared project as a passion for each other –  if you are working for long hours towards a shared goal it may seem that your colleague is the only person who understands you but that isn’t necessarily the basis for a lasting relationship – will you both be taking your work home with you?

- Share your feelings with your colleague when you have been drinking – you will probably regret it in the morning

By following these simple guidelines you will conduct yourself in a dignified and professional manner and give any possible office romance the best chance to flourish without it compromising your work.

Relationships end for all sorts of different reasons and it is never a pleasant experience. Sometimes what looks like an ending isn’t – it is a break where both parties retreat, take stock and may come back together and give it another go. Couples who have got back together after a break often say that their relationship is stronger as a result but there are many others who kick themselves for having made the same mistake twice. Each situation is unique and at the end of the day only you can decide if you want to give it another shot with someone. Here are some things to bear in mind if you are considering getting back with an ex.

What are your reasons for wanting them back?

Just as there are wrong reasons to be in a relationship there are also wrong reasons to get back with someone.  Here are the most common:

 - Mutual loneliness – you get back together not because you really want to be together but because there is no-one else around that either of you are interested in. These situations often arise when you carry on hanging out in the same social group as your ex and you kind of drift back together.  This is a temporary solution to your loneliness and often ends up with sex but no relationship. Sooner or later one or both of you will get hurt.

 - Jealousy – as harsh as it seems people sometimes get back with their ex not because they want to be with them but because they can’t bear the idea of them being with anyone else. This usually has nothing to do with love and everything to do with control and manipulation and it is unlikely the relationship will last.

 - Forbidden fruit – often people find their ex irresistibly attractive when they get together with someone else and become unattainable. These relationships often started as affairs with one or both parties with other people and it is the thrill of the forbidden which is so seductive and enticing. The trouble is that people often don’t want their prize once they have got it and after the initial red hot passion has died down there is nothing of substance.

The most common situations where people get back together with an ex and it builds into a relationship that may be better or stronger than it was before are:

 - Enforced separation – lots of couples split through no choice of their own but because of circumstances beyond their control like their work taking them to a different country, or family circumstances that make it impossible for them be together. Whatever the reasons were the break in their relationship was either not their decision or what they decided because it was impossible to carry on being together under the circumstances. If the external circumstances change and they find themselves able to be together again the relationship and commitment between them is often much stronger as the result of the separation.

 - Jeopardy – sometimes it isn’t until a relationship has broken up that people realise that they need to change their behaviour or attitudes. It can be a valuable wake up call to realise that unless you change you may never see your partner again. If you really believe your ex has learnt their lesson and changed whatever it was that caused the break in the first place then it may be worth giving them a second chance.

 - Unfinished business - There are some situations where the relationship ended prematurely and both parties feel that it wasn’t complete. They get back together rather than risk living with the regret that they didn’t give it another shot. It may be an important final chapter or the beginning of a new one, either way it was what they had to do to have closure.

Forgiveness

Before you get back with an ex it is really important to ask yourself whether you can really forgive whatever it was that ended the relationship in the first place? There is no point getting back together if every time you have a row you bring up the old hurt because you will never be able to develop true intimacy with them again. Forgiving someone isn’t the same as condoning what they did, it’s about agreeing to let it go and make a new and different start together. Don’t try to go back to how things were before but try to be content to look forward and build something different.

A serious relationship is characterised by both parties being committed to keeping the relationship going and a willingness to overcome any difficulties which may arise, rather than just hanging out when the going is good and then disappearing at the first sign of it getting a bit deeper. Relationships can bring up a lot of insecurities for people but rather than asking for reassurance all the time, which can make you look needy and desperate, look out for these signs to help you know whether your date is serious.

1.      Attention

About 80% of communication is non-verbal and how someone interacts with you will tell more about their intentions than almost anything else. A serious date will give you their undivided attention while they are with you. They won’t be looking over your shoulder, playing on their phone, fidgety and distracted. They will be engaged with you, interested in what you are saying and this will be shown in their body language – good eye contact, open posture and a relaxed, unhurried attitude. The way they interact with you will make you feel like they are enjoying your company and time will tend to slip by very quickly when you are together.

Obviously some people are very nervous on the first few dates and these signs aren’t immediately apparent but they should develop over time. If after half a dozen dates they don’t seem to have remembered anything you have told them previously, are always rushing to be somewhere else or are generally inconsiderate or inattentive then you can safely assume they are not serious.

2.      Time

Time is one of the most precious commodities we have and a sure way to know if your date is serious is if they want to spend their time with you. This isn’t just time to go on dates but also time to chat online or on the phone, time to plan things to do together and time to get to know each other in all the different ways we can these days. If your date is always too busy to listen when you have had a hard day, never has time to come and meet the people who are important to you or generally makes you feel that you are low down on their list of things to do then they probably aren’t that serious. A serious date will want to be with you and feel that the time you spend together is precious and helps them to deal with all the other things they have to do in their life. We all want to be with someone who just can’t get enough of us.

3.      What they say

It is all too easy to get lost in our own imagination when it comes to dating. Listen to what your date is saying – do they say they want to see you again? Do they talk about a future that includes both of you? Try not to let your own insecurities cast doubt on a date who is being openly keen and enthusiastic about having met you. A common mindset which stops people from taking what a dates says seriously is ‘ Well they wouldn’t say that if they really knew me’ – this can block a lot of active listening and discourage even the most keen dates.

4.      What they do

Some people have all the right words, they whisper sweet nothings over the phone and send romantic emails and texts but actions speak louder than words. Don’t judge someone’s intentions just on what they say, look at what they do. Do they return your calls? Are they kind and considerate of your feelings? Do they do what they say they are going to do? These are all signs that someone is committed to the relationship. Not everyone has the gift of the gab and some people won’t be able to tell you in words how they feel about you but their loving actions and thoughtful deeds will let you know that they are serious.

5.      How you feel

Trust your instincts. You will know when you have been on a date with someone you are serious about, and who is serious about you because you, because will have a warm glow inside. You will feel as though you have brought some light and joy into another person’s life and that will make you feel really good about yourself and it will be an experience you want to repeat. Someone being serious about you is only wonderful if you are serious about them too.

Did you know that people who upload one or more photos to our site are FOUR TIMES more likely to be communicated with? And, on eHarmony you can upload up to 12 photos. That’s 12 chances to show off your personality to your matches in different and unique ways. Not uploaded 12 photos? Then take our challenge!

Unfortunately, most people don’t upload 12 photos, and there are still a large percentage of people who don’t upload a photo at all. That’s why we’re challenging you to upload 12 photos to your account this month.  To help you get started, here are our top tips:

- Make sure your main profile photo is of your head and shoulders, smiling, without sunglasses or a hat. This is your shop front; the first glimpse of you your matches will see. Make sure it’s you at your best

- Include photos of you doing things you love, and add in a caption explaining exactly what you’re doing, or where you are

- Feel free to include photos of your pets or family, but make sure you label who you are in a photo. If you include photos of children, say whether they’re your own children or not

- If you can, upload good quality photos. Grainy, dark or blurred photos aren’t helpful and might be a turn off for your matches.

- Need help with uploading photos? Find more info here  or call us free on 0800 028 0308

- For more info, check out our Photo Posting Guidelines.

Got any questions? Let us know in the comments – we’ll try our best to help!

This month we move onto the “friend zone” – that most tricky of situations that we’ve all probably encountered at some point. But, what exactly is it, and how do you deal with discovering you’re in the zone?

What is the “friend zone”?

The “friend zone” is where you can end up if you find someone attractive, but they see you only as a friend. This might be because you’ve been friends forever and she sees you more as a brother than a romantic interest, or that, if you’re a woman, he just sees you as ‘one of the lads’.

Am I in the “friend zone”?

There are quite a few signs that you’ve ended up in the friend zone:

• Your friend talks to you – in great detail – about their love life, and who they find attractive
• Your friend treats you very much like ‘one of the lads’ or ‘one of the girls’
• ‘Something’ happened years ago (a kiss, or more) and nothing has happened since
• You’ve asked them out, and they’ve rejected you, but continued to keep you as a friend

One or a combination of these mean you’re almost certainly seen as a friend by your romantic interest.

How do I get out of the “friend zone”?

The first question you need to tackle is how important telling your friend how you feel is, compared with how important their friendship is to you. You run a risk of ruining your friendship if you do admit your feelings. It’s unfortunate, but once you’ve admitted you find your friend attractive, they will probably see you in a different light.

The next question is whether your friend wants to be in a relationship at all. If they’re happy with someone else, have just come out of a serious relationship or have told you they’re happy being single for now, then the best advice is leave well alone. A heartfelt confession to someone just about to walk down the aisle might work in films, but it rarely works out in real life.

Once you’ve seriously considered these questions, then it really is up to you. If the path is clear and your feelings are strong then you just need to screw up the courage and make the move. To prevent your friend still treating you like a friend, don’t take them to your usual haunts. Dress up, go somewhere nice and set the scene. If you want them to see you romantically, you have to act romantically.

And finally, good luck!

As you probably know, we do a lot of research to bring you the most compatible matches possible. But what you might not know is that we also look into those little things that mean you’re more likely to connect and have a great first date. We call these our Great Date Indicators (GDI), and in researching these we’ve come across 6 indicators that might find surprising.

1.       Your sense of humour

Our GDIs show that we often choose to connect with people who have a different sense of humour to us. So, if you’re into slapstick humour you might find yourself drawn to a match who prefers dark, satirical humour.

2.       Gender stereotypes

Though we live in a liberated society, people who conform to gender stereotypes get more interest when online dating. For example, if a man says he is into shopping, fewer women will communicate with him (sorry male shopaholics, we just say what we see in the data!) On the other hand, fewer men will strike up a conversation with women in a position of authority.

3.       Your spending habits

Men are more likely to connect with a woman who saves her cash – unless they are men who spend freely, in which case they’ll talk to women who spend freely too. On a related note, women who spend freely are much more likely to view lots of profiles but not communicate. We call this the “window shopping effect”.

4.       The yoga effect

Yoga is universally appealing. Men or women who say they do yoga get significantly more communication than those who don’t. (But don’t put yoga on your profile unless you actually practice it – you’ll soon get found out!)

5.       Nobody likes a couch potato

Active lifestyles are appealing, and vice versa, a couch potato lifestyle is a turn off – even to a couch potato.

6.       A varied diet works wonders

Liking all kinds of foods will net your more communication from the opposite sex. On the other hand, a fast food habit could really limit your chances, even with other burger fans. Oh, and less surprisingly, vegetarians attract vegetarians…

Our life scripts are often written for us and will be influenced by the social, cultural and economic situation we grew up in but there usually comes a time in most peoples lives when they stop and ask themselves if they are doing what they want to do and if they are happy and fulfilled in their life.  If the answer is no it may be time to set about making some adjustments. It isn’t always easy to change your life especially if you have been cast in roles by family, friends and colleagues but maybe you don’t need to change your whole life, just the script you are living by. We at eHarmony believe that everyone can change and find the love and happiness they want and writing a life script is a useful way of doing this.

What’s the story?

Imagine your life as a novel or play, what would the synopsis be for your life up to the present day? Is it a story filled with adventure, passion and romance or one about a life lived in quiet desperation while never really feeling like you were fulfilling your heart’s desire? Of course there are numerous variations between these extremes. The object of the exercise is to try and sum it up in a few sentences and then ask yourself if this is the story you want to continue or whether you are ready to turn the page and start a new chapter.

What are the roles you are playing?

We all have numerous roles, sibling, parent, colleague, citizen, child, friend etc. Some of these roles we choose for ourselves and others were given to us. The important question is, are you happy with how you are fulfilling each of these roles? Are you the kind of parent you want to be or have you adopted the role your own mother or father had and that you swore you would never be like? For each of the roles write how you would like to be, how you are and what changes you could make so that you start to feel proud of yourself in these roles. This isn’t about becoming ‘good’ it’s about becoming ‘authentic’ so that every area of your life reflects you as you are rather than an inherited belief system.

What can you change?

There are some things in life that we can change and some things we can’t. One of the most powerful things we can change is our perception of the past. We can’t change what happened to us but we can change how we think about it. For example, if someone has had a string of abusive or unhappy relationships they might think things like – ‘Bad things always happen to me’; ‘I will never be able to trust anyone’ or ‘I am not lovable’ – believing these stories will have a huge impact on how this person lives their life not just in relationships but at work and in all their contact with family and friends. They will unconsciously pass these beliefs onto their children and will struggle to enjoy life even when good things do happen because they will always be waiting for it all to go wrong.

Someone with exactly the same history but a more optimistic approach may think things like ‘Bad things have happened but I have learnt from all of them’; ‘I have always had people around to love and support me when things went wrong’ or ‘I am a strong, lovable person who has survived and learnt from my experience’ – it is easy to see how much happier this person will be and more open to a new relationship. What you think about you bring about.

How does it end? Write your own obituary

This might sound like a strange thing to do but is it a really powerful part of your new life script. What would you like others to know about you when they read your epitaph? Life isn’t so much about prestige or achievement but about how we live and how much we love the people around us. As Maya Angelou said ‘people may forget what you do, forget what you say but they will never forget how you made them feel’ Don’t get to the end of your life full of regret wishing you had done things differently, start today making the small changes that can make a big difference to those around you and to how you feel about yourself.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Maria Robinson

1. Promotion Period:  The eHarmony Survey Promotion (the “Promotion”) begins 12.01 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time (BST)  27^th March 2012 (“Start Date”) and ends 11.59 p.m. BST on 3^rd April 2012 (“End Date”) (the “Promotion Period”).

2. Eligibility:  Promotion is offered only to legal residents of England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland, who are at least 18 years old at time of survey entry, and who have received an emailed Survey (defined below) directly from Sponsor.  Employees, officers, directors and agents of eHarmony, Inc. and/or eHarmony UK Ltd. (the “Sponsor”) and its respective parents, affiliated and subsidiary companies, advertising and promotional agencies, web masters and web suppliers and the immediate family (spouse, mother, father, sister, brother, ward, daughter or son) or members of the households of each (whether or not related) are not eligible.

3. Entry:  To enter the Promotion: beginning on the Start Date, click on the link in the “eHarmony Questionnaire” email (the “Survey”) sent 27^th March 2012, provide  responses to all questions at the link, and select “send” to submit your entry. The Survey will only be sent to current www.eharmony.co.uk registered users and eHarmony UK Facebook fans who entered Sponsor’s Experience 2012 Sweepstakes. Limit one entry per person.  Sponsor is not responsible for malfunctions of electronic equipment, computer hardware or software, or any other technical problems related to website entries.  Entries become property of the Sponsor and will not be returned.  Any attempt at entry except as above stated is void.  Sponsor’s computer will be the official clock of the Promotion.

4. Winner Selection:  One potential grand prize winner will be selected on or about 4^th April 2012 by random drawing from among all eligible entries received.  Odds of winning will depend on the total number of eligible entries received during the Promotion Period.  The drawing will be conducted by the Sponsor, the judge of the Promotion, whose decisions on all matters related to these official rules shall be final and binding.

5. Prize:  Winner will receive one (1) £200 John Lewis voucher.  Approximate Retail Value (“ARV”): £200 (GBP).  Prizes are not transferable.  No cash redemptions or prize substitutions are allowed, except at the Sponsor’s sole discretion.  If the prize or any part thereof is unavailable for any reason, as determined by Sponsor in its sole discretion, Sponsor reserves the right to substitute the prize with another prize of equal or greater value.

6. Winner Notification/Releases:  The potential winner will be notified either by email or telephone.  The potential winner will have five (5) days from the moment such notification is issued to respond to such notification by following the instructions provided therein.  If a potential winner timely responds to such notification, the potential winner and his/her guest will be required to sign, notarize and return an Affidavit of Eligibility/Liability and Publicity Release within seven (7) days of the date of notification, or prize will be forfeited and an alternate winner selected.  Return of any prize notification as undeliverable will result in disqualification and selection of an alternate winner.  If a potential winner does not reply to the notification within five (5) days of its issuance, is ineligible, or cannot or does not comply with the official rules, he/she will be disqualified, the prize will be forfeited and an alternate winner may be selected, at Sponsor’s discretion, in a second chance drawing of all eligible entries received during the Promotion Period.  By entering, entrants agree: (i) to be bound by these official rules and Sponsor’s privacy policy located athttp://www.eharmony.co.uk/privacy/statement; (ii) that the selection of the grand prize winner by the Sponsor and all other related matters is final and binding on all matters relating to the Promotion; (iii) to be contacted by Sponsor by email or telephone; and (iv) to release and hold harmless Sponsor, its parents, subsidiaries, affiliates, distributors, suppliers and advertising, promotional and judging organizations and each of their respective employees, officers, directors, shareholders and agents (collectively, the “Releasees”) from and against any and all liability for injuries and/or damages sustained in connection with use and/or misuse of a prize or related to participation in the Promotion.  By accepting a prize, the winner consents to the use of his or her name, voice, picture or other likeness for advertising, promotional and other purposes in any media as determined by Sponsor without further approval or compensation. Personal information collected from entrants will be used by the Sponsor solely in connection with the Promotion and will not be disclosed to any third party except for the purpose of operating the Promotion and fulfilling prizes where applicable.

Sponsor reserves the right, at its sole discretion, to disqualify any incomplete entries, any entrant  it finds to be tampering with the entry process or the operation of the Promotion or the Sponsor’s web site(s) or any web site related to the Promotion; to be acting in violation of these terms and conditions; or to be acting in a non-sportsmanlike or disruptive manner, or with intent to annoy, abuse, threaten or harass any other person.  Any use of robotic, macro, automatic, programmed or the like entry methods will void all such entries by such methods.  In the event of a dispute as to entries submitted by multiple users having the same email account, the authorized subscriber of the email account used to enter the Promotion at the actual time of registration will be deemed to be the entrant and must comply with these rules.  Authorized account subscriber is deemed to be the natural person who is assigned an email address by an Internet access provider, on-line service provider or other organization, which is responsible for assigning email addresses for the domain associated with the submitted email address.  Potential winner may be required to provide the Sponsor with proof that the potential winner is the authorized account holder of the email address associated with the potentially winning entry.  Sponsor may prosecute any fraudulent activities to the full extent of the law. All relevant laws and regulations apply.

7. Limitations of Liability:  The Releasees are not responsible for any lost, late, illegible, misdirected, mutilated, incomplete, incorrect or inaccurate entries or entry information, whether caused by web site users or by any of the equipment, computer hardware or software or any other technical operation or programming associated with or utilized in the Promotion, and the Releasees assume no responsibility for any error, omission, interruption, deletion, defect, or delay in operation or transmission at the Sponsor’s web site(s) or any web site related to the Promotion, or for communications line failure, or for theft or destruction, tampering, or unauthorized access to entries and/or entry information.  IN NO EVENT WILL THE RELEASEES BE RESPONSIBLE OR LIABLE FOR ANY DAMAGES OR LOSSES OF ANY KIND, INCLUDING DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, CONSEQUENTIAL OR PUNITIVE DAMAGES ARISING OUT OF YOUR ACCESS TO AND USE OF THE INTERNET SITES eHarmony.co.uk, THE DOWNLOADING FORM AND/OR PRINTING MATERIAL DOWNLOADED FROM SAID SITES.

8. Disputes/Choice of Law:  Except where prohibited, entrants agree that (i): any and all disputes, claims, and causes of action arising out of or connected with this Promotion, or any prize awarded, or the determination of the winner shall be resolved individually, without resort to any form of class action; (ii) any and all claims, judgments and awards shall be limited to actual out-of-pocket costs incurred, including costs associated with entering this Promotion but in no event attorney’s fees; and (iii) under no circumstances will entrant be permitted to obtain awards for and entrant hereby waives all rights to claim punitive, incidental and consequential damages and any other damages, other than for actual out-of-pocket expenses, and any and all rights to have damages multiplied or otherwise increased.  All issues and questions concerning the construction, validity, interpretation and enforceability of these terms and conditions, or the rights and obligations of entrant and Releasees in connection with the Promotion, shall be governed by, and construed in accordance with, the laws of England and Wales, without regard for conflicts of law doctrine, and any dispute arising out of or in connection with the Promotion and these terms and conditions shall be subject to the exclusive jurisdiction of the English Courts.

9. Changes to Terms and Conditions: All changes to these terms and conditions will be posted in revised terms and conditions on the Site.

10. Winner’s Name:  For name and hometown of the winner, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the 2012 List Promotion: Winner’s Name Request, eHarmony UK Ltd.,   P.O. Box 5904, London  WC1N3XX.  Winner lists will only be available until ninety (90) days after the End Date.

10. Removal From Future Promotion Mailings:  To have your name and email address removed from Sponsor’s future promotion mailings, please click the applicable unsubscribe link.  As part of the entry process, you may opt in to receive messages from sponsoring parties other than Sponsor.  You acknowledge that if you opt in to receive such messages, Sponsor will transfer your name and e-mail address to said sponsor.  To have your name and email address removed from such other sponsors’ future mailings, please follow the procedure set forth in such sponsors’ communications.

Sponsor and administrator:  eHarmony, Inc., eHarmony UK Ltd.,   P.O. Box 5904, London  WC1N3XX

© 2012 eHarmony UK, Ltd.  All rights reserved.

Some people seem to be born flirts, leaving everyone they encounter with a bit of a crush on them. But for most of us it is a bit more difficult and for people who are shy it can seem almost impossible. Without this subtle skill it can be very difficult to let someone know that you are interested in being more than just good friends. Follow these simple guidelines and you will find that no matter how shy you are you can still become a great flirt.

Practice online

It is much easier to practice your flirting skills online than face to face, especially if you are shy. Your online communication with a match can be enhanced using the expression faces – wink, blush, smile etc. Be playful and aim to have fun conversations which leave both of you with a smile on your face. Gentle teasing, subtle innuendos and coyness can all be practised online and you have the added advantage of being able to edit what you say and reread the conversation later to see what worked and what didn’t.

Body language

80% of communication is non-verbal so even if you are shy about speaking to someone try and improve your body language so that the rest of your communication is letting them know that you are interested. The first step is to look approachable. Put your shoulders back, chin out and look up rather than at your feet. Unfold your arms and legs as this will make you more open and look less defensive. Eye contact is really important when it comes to flirting – keeping contact for just a moment or two longer than necessary will let your date know that you are interested and absorbed by what they are saying – be careful not to stare. It is important that you learn to read body language too, there is loads of information on the internet about it and becoming a bit of an expert in this area will give you a great advantage when dating.

Listen

One of the most flirtatious things we can do it to give someone our complete and undivided attention. Listen to what they are saying and give non-verbal cues that you are listening intently like nods, uh-ums and appropriate laughter. Try to avoid being too serious or solemn; smiling like you know a secret joke or as though a pleasant thought has just crossed your mind can be very flirtatious and beguiling. Being a good listener is far more important than being witty and will make your date feel appreciated and valued, a sure way to make them want to see you again.

Touch

When you and your date get more comfortable with each other a slight touch of hands or placing your hand on their arm can help to let them know that you are becoming more intimate. Be sensitive to their response as some people have personal space issues and you don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable, another good reason to learn a little about body language so you don’t misread the signals. Playful shoves or punches are best avoided until you have got to know each other better.

Appreciation

Don’t be afraid to show your appreciation for your date, for the things they do and say. Even if you are shy it is good to say how much you enjoyed seeing them or speaking to them as this will let them know that you would like to see them again.

Flirting is just about communicating your interest in seeing the person again so if you are shy of expressing yourself verbally is especially important that you practice this subtle art.

Emotional maturity often doesn’t develop in line with the years you have been alive, many people say they feel much younger inside than they look on the outside. While it is good to have a youthful approach to life a certain amount of emotional maturity is required to have a healthy intimate relationship.

People who are emotionally mature tend to be able to:

1.      Stand back from a situation – this is an important skill that stops you from being swept along with emotions and allows you to see the whole picture rather than just the small part of it which affects you. In relationships this is really important because it enables people to make decisions based on what is best for the relationship as a whole rather than just what they want.

2.      See someone else’s point of view – empathy is different from sympathy and involves being able to imagine what it feels like to be in someone else’s shoes. It stops us from doing things that are cruel or hurtful because we can imagine what it would feel like if we were treated in that way. In any relationship there will be arguments and the ability to see your partner’s point of view could make the difference between rows being useful and constructive or hurtful and destructive.

3.      Take an interest in other people – some people are self-obsessed and you can spend a whole date with them without them ever asking you a question about your interests or life. Emotionally mature people are interested in other people, not just dates, they know everyone is unique and may have something interesting or valuable to offer them. In a relationship it is a great quality because it means they are more likely to get on with your family and friends and are happy and comfortable in social situations.

4.      Base decisions on facts rather than feelings – emotions are often irrational and it is important that we develop the ability to make decisions that are based on a real evaluation of a situation rather than our feelings about it. A lot of people don’t go on dates, make commitments or say what they want because they are overwhelmed by FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real. It can also work the other way where people are so overwhelmed by feelings of elation when they meet someone that they take huge risks which they may later regret. Passion is wonderful but the ability to still see the facts in any given situation is essential for a balanced relationship.

5.      Take criticism without becoming defensive – no tantrums – whenever we are in relationships with other people it is essential we learn to take criticism otherwise everyone will be walking on eggshells around us, afraid to tell us the truth. It isn’t an easy skill to learn as often when people hear criticism it taps into all their insecurity about themselves. When someone acts violently or defensively whenever a problem is raised in a relationship, or they are told something they said or did wasn’t acceptable, it doesn’t stop the problems from arising, it stops the relationship from developing.

6.      Let go of the past – we have all been hurt at some point in our lives and a sure sign of emotional maturity is the ability to let go and move on with our lives. Sometimes people become so attached to whatever happened to them in the past that it destroys any happiness they could have in the future. One way emotionally mature people manage to release the past is by taking a philosophical approach and seeing how everything that happened to them up to this point in their lives brought them to where they are today and the only thing they can change about it is their perception of it. They can, for example, see it as a difficult lesson they had to learn; a gift that helped them grow; a test of their ability to survive; or as a curse which will haunt them forever and which must be resurrected at every given opportunity making it almost impossible for them to move on and find happiness with someone new – a different choice will yield a different future.

7.      Be honest with ourselves and change – none of us are perfect and we all have habits and behaviours that we would like to change. A key factor of emotional maturity is knowing when the time has come to let go of things we are doing which damage our life, health, careers or relationships and do what is necessary to make changes even if this involves seeking professional help.

Whether your last relationship ended through divorce or bereavement there needs to be a period of mourning the loss before you re-enter the dating scene. How long this period needs to be will vary from person to person and will depend very much upon factors like how long they were with their previous partner; the reasons the relationship ended as well as many other factors. As there is no blueprint that fits everyone we have put together 5 questions to help you determine for yourself whether you are ready.

1.      Have you let go?

This is the first and most important question. Before there can be room for a new relationship you need to have let go of the past. If you have been bereaved then it is a case of allowing yourself enough time to grieve and to fully let go of the person that you loved. Grief can take different lengths of time for different people. According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross there are five stages in the grief process – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance – people go through them in different ways and not everyone will experience them all. The one you need to have reached before you begin dating again is acceptance. Letting go of a loved one who has died doesn’t mean erasing every trace of them from your life, it means coming to accept that they have gone and are never coming back. Once you have fully accepted your loss you will be able to live a full and happy life with someone else without it feeling like a betrayal of your loved one’s memory.

If you have been divorced or separated there may be more work to do around letting go especially if the separation was the result of a betrayal of your trust. You may have been unhappy for many years before it eventually ended and that too will take some work to come to terms with. If you have been hurt, or your trust betrayed, it can feel as though letting it go is like opening the door to someone else who may hurt you again. Holding onto bitterness and resentment will keep you stuck in the pain. Some people find it hard to let go because they fear that they will be condoning what the other person did to them but actually the best thing you can do to get even with someone who has hurt you is to let it go and allow yourself to be happy despite what they did to you – remember the Gloria Gaynor song ‘I will survive’?

2.      Are you doing it for the right reasons?

The only right reason to want to start dating again is because you are ready to open your heart and let love in. Lots of people start dating because they want to avoid their feelings, get back at someone else or to find a quick fix to their life problems but sooner or later whatever they are running from catches up with them. Relationships are about sharing your life and growing together through intimacy not an anaesthetic to numb the pain of the past. No-one can fix you except you.

3.      Have you recovered your sense of self?

Coming out of a long term relationship can leave you feeling like you don’t know who you are any more because you have spent so long being a part of a couple. Do you know yourself? What do you like to eat? If you didn’t have to consider anyone else what kind of things would you like to do? These are important questions to answer if you want to avoid getting into another relationship where you lose yourself again. Having a strong sense of self means that when you do meet someone you won’t cling to them because you have no idea who you are on your own.

4.      Do you know what you want?

This is another important question and the eHarmony process will help you to clarify this. When you are thinking about this question try to be really concrete and use your past relationships as rich source material to help you identify what you do and don’t want in a future relationship.

5.      Have you got time?

It may sound like a silly question but actually in order to get the very best from the online dating experience you need to have some time to devote to it – to browse profiles, answer messages, chat online and to go on dates.

It’s quite easy to feel a connection with someone you’ve met online, and that’s one of the great things about online dating, but you need to be sure you don’t get attached to your matches too quickly. After all, you can’t truly know someone without spending a significant amount of time with them.

We often get comments and questions here from people who felt they’d really been getting close to their match, but then that person had told them they weren’t interested or had disappeared completely. One way to avoid some of the hurt that comes with this situation is to ensure that you don’t get in too deep, too quickly. Here are our top 4 tips for just that!

1.       There is no such thing as the perfect person

When you’re in the mindset of looking for someone special to share your life with, it becomes easy to imagine that the first person you go on a date with could be THE ONE. Unfortunately it’s far too easy to idealise someone on your first couple of dates with them. You can gloss over anything negative and create this idealised view of them in your mind.

There’s not much you can do to prevent this, but if you do find yourself falling into this trap time and time again, remind yourself that no one is perfect, and we all have our foibles.

2.       Happy ever after belongs in fairytales only

There is no such thing as happy ever after, as much as we wish there was. There is such a thing as a very happy couple, and true love, but ‘happy ever after’ is best left to Cinderella. If you start communicating with someone, or dating them, and find yourself thinking everything will turn out wonderfully, then you need a reality check. A happy, long-term relationship is created by to loving people who put a lot of hard work into their partnership. That’s not to say a relationship is all hard work – far from it – but you are neither Cinderella or Prince Charming!

3.       No one can complete you

You probably know the famous line from ‘Jerry Maguire’ where Tom Cruise tells Renee Zellweger’s character that ‘You complete me’.  That line is perfect…in a film. In real life, it doesn’t work. YOU need to complete you. And if you’re not complete then you need to work on being the best you can be, rather than waiting for someone else to come along and fix you.

Don’t expect your matches to fulfil your emotional needs;  that’s your job.

4.       Electronic attraction is different to real attraction

This is a big one, and essential to remember when you’re online dating. Someone might seem like the perfect person by email, but don’t let your emotions take over. Wait to meet up with them before you let your heart make any decisions. Otherwise, you’ll go into every date putting far too much pressure on the situation and end up sorely disappointed.

So you finally meet a match that you are really interested in and the feeling is mutual. This is only the beginning of the story. How you proceed in those early days will determine whether this becomes a real and lasting relationships or fizzles out with no clear indication of why. Here are some things to be aware of in this foundling stage which will help your relationship get off to the best possible start.

Kerb your enthusiasm

Even if inside you are jumping for joy because you have finally found someone who you have a real connection with, hold back on the celebrations until it has had a chance to really develop. Telling all your friends, posting status updates about true love or talking incessantly to colleagues about your new beau may leave you feeling foolish if things don’t work out. Just hold back a little, at least until you have had six dates, before you declare this to be ‘the one’. Equally if every time you see your new love interest you are bounding around like an over-enthusiastic puppy your enthusiasm may well put them off.

Give it space to grow

It can be tempting to be in touch with your new mate all day and all night and it is easier than ever to do this now with text, email and instant messaging but too much contact can easily stifle a new love. There needs to be time and space for you to miss each other, to look forward with excited anticipation to the next call or date – if calls and texts are coming every five minutes what is there to look forward to? There is something lovely about being told that you were on someone’s mind all week but there is no need for you to contact each other with every passing thought.

Don’t reveal too much too soon

We have all had trials and tribulations in life and there will be a time when as a part of your deepening relationship you  will share these with each other but offloading all your emotional baggage onto a date is likely to crush any hope of a future together. We are not advocating keeping secrets just suggesting that if you want this relationship to last a lifetime then that is how long you have to get to know each other. The first weeks and months are the time to have fun, to find out what makes each other tick, to look forward to seeing each other and explore what you like doing together.

Show your appreciation

There is no nicer feeling than being appreciated and it can help secure a firm and lasting bond between people. Right from the beginning when you are chatting online show your appreciation by saying things like ‘thank you’ for compliments or ‘it’s been lovely talking to you, you made me smile’. If a date chooses somewhere good for a date tell them you appreciate their choice; if they have nice manners say that – tell people when you enjoy their company; if the colour of their outfit highlights the colour of their eyes; if something they did or said made you feel happy. These are just examples, what is important is that you get into the habit of saying out loud the nice appreciative things you may often think but not tell people – you will make their day.

Don’t neglect the rest of your life

One of the biggest mistakes people make at the beginning of a relationship is casting aside the rest of their life and devoting all their time and attention to their new love interest. Remember that your match was attracted to the you who went out with friends; had hobbies and interests; went to work and generally had a full life. If, once they get to know you, all that is cast aside or neglected not only will that say something about your loyalty and commitment but it can place too much pressure on them to be your all and everything.

There is no rush

Enjoy every moment of your new relationship and remember there is absolutely no rush to move onto the next stage. Be sensitive to the other person’s feelings and don’t try and rush them along in the relationship before they are ready. There are many milestones – moving from online chat to the phone; adding them as a friend on a social network; letting them know where you live; introducing them to your family – if you try and do it all too soon you may scare them off.