5 October 2009
Can men and women have platonic relationships?
by eHarmony
Is it ever acceptable to be friends with the opposite sex when dating? Dr Neil Clark Warren, eHarmony founder, answers the age-old conundrum.
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Question:
Dear Dr. Warren,
While I search for a partner, I continually meet the same problem, opposite sex friendships. Before I go any further I need to clearly decide what I feel on this issue. What are your views on opposite sex friendships when someone is in a relationship or married?
-Kelly
Answer:
Kelly,
I am a passionate advocate of close friendships with a number of people. In most of our lives, there will be times when a loving friend will literally save us. And when the world might seem against you, the unconditional support of a close friend can help you through the hardest moments.
So, from the outset I want to make clear my support for the concept of friendship, regardless of gender. The question is more about the sort of friendship and the feelings of your spouse or partner.
When you commit yourself to someone special, I believe you are promising to make them the focus of your emotional energy and your ‘verbal intimacy’. By verbal intimacy, I mean the way two people communicate their innermost feelings, dreams, fears and longings. This is what binds two people together forever.
In my view, a man and a women can be friends, go out for meals, work together and discuss their the issues of the day without overstepping the boundaries of propriety. But I think people need to be aware what the limits are to that relationship, and not just in terms of fidelity. There are more subtle margins if you are going to respect your promises to your husband.
These cross-gender friendships can happen in the presence of each others’ partners. By including your partner when you are catching up with your male friends you are most likely to dispel any fears he has about those relationships. By including him, you will also be respecting those commitments you made to him and probably make him more comfortable about you spending time with your male friends alone.
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1
bryan
15 October 2009 14:28
if for any reason you lie,? then as far as things go in the near future you will be found out,and could go very wrong in the relationship and part for ever..
2
Bob
15 October 2009 16:39
Hmm – When Harry met Sally begs the question.
But yes – in this day and age they are not only good to have but actualy essential for day to day working and living.
3
beverley
15 October 2009 17:52
yes i do believe men and women can be friends but i had to draw the line at my boyfriends friend telling me i needed to practise in the bedroom department.they are now a couple.
4
Rachel
11 December 2009 03:31
I wonder if there’s a difference in the platonic friendships established prior to ones current long term commitment. and the new platonic friendships that occur afterwards.
I think I would be far more relaxed about my man’s friendships that had obviously not gone to develop romance.
5
JJ
31 December 2009 15:15
Word of advice here: just beware the still-present ‘ex’ who is now ‘just good friends’ with your man. This may well be the case – or, is it that she dumped him and he wants you really only to show her that he is still attractive to women. Before you know it she may ‘forgive’ him and he’s back with her like a shot! Classic. Best to keep your wits about you with this one!
6
Mike
9 January 2010 02:17
Nope………..Unless you started as friends and don’t fancy each other.
I have lost count the number of times I have dated a gal only to get the ” you are really <>, can we just be friends”
Well I can’t be that nice/honest/loyal if she isn’t interested and the one I remained friends with ( mistake) just winded me up by telling me about all the players she was dating and how she couldn’t meet a decent guy…Huh!!
So I don’t do girlee mates
7
launfel
19 January 2010 01:16
Mike @6 – read quite a lot of your posts. No offence here mate, but it seems as though you have an awful chip on your shoulder & are hugely cynical(both awful traits). I should know what I am talking about – I was there once. Trust me mate, you need to be big and brave enough to face your worst faults and do something about them. An “I am what I am” or “I won’t change for anyone” attitude will see you become even more cynical. For me I just decided to improve my life – I started training at the gym most days, quit drinking and embraced a healthy lifestyle. As it took effect I looked a lot more attractive & healthier, not to mention feeling more confident and positive about life. 18 months later I am in the most amazing shape of my life, feel so healthy & most importantly I have met a superb lady who is both stunningly beautiful & has a wonderful personality (they are out there, its just they prefer positive, happy and good looking men to those who are negative and cynical!!). I met her in work as it goes, though reading through these forums have given me a right laugh and I can see why some people are single. Back to the topic in hand though – I have made a point of meeting up with lots of my old “I just want to be friends” female friends from the bad old days – all the single ones have given me a “friends with benifits” option! Cheap ego boost maybe, but who cares. Point is mike, be brave enough to seek out your key faults, do something about them & be positive. If you want to make a change in your life, start with yourself.
8
Kathy
26 January 2010 23:41
Ha ha sorry I can’t resist this – Iaunfel, does your wonderful lady know you spend time on a dating (sorry, relationships) website?
9
relayer1
28 February 2010 15:02
LMAO Kathy. Nice one.
10
william
21 March 2010 02:12
I have a purely platonic relationship with a woman I used to work with. My wife would like to have such relationships but possibly because she does not trust herself she believes they are impossible.
I am married but joined this site only for the free personality analysis which was remarkably accurate. I can now see how well I match my wife! I selected “separated” then you do not get matched.
Some people may be on this site to try to improve or correct their existing relationship.
11
karen
20 May 2010 23:43
i have u know that i were in a relationship for 4yrs with my partner wen i noticed somethng werent quite right, his phone would vibrate a txt mess this would go on for 15mins, he’d would say i were hearing things, it wasnt till i look at his bill that he were txting his work female friend back, i ask him 3 times who the number belonged to he said it were a male worker, all hell broke loose when i told him i had discovered the truth, things r not the same anymore i cant trust him its been 3yrs since this has happenedm ive lost repect and im not in love with him anymore
12
Mike
17 July 2010 01:26
launfel: You’re in a relationship but on a dating site and meeting up with former dates for ‘friends with benefits’? Listen, ‘mate’, you’re giving the rest of us men a bad name. Grow up.
13
Amanda
11 August 2010 16:11
Thank goodness – my present eharmony date is making me out to be jealous and unreasonable as I’ve asked him questions about his committment to his ex girlfreinds who reguklarly make a date with him and he even sees his platonic female friend for a weekend. I have suggested his priorities may need some thought and question how come these ladies don’t know about me and why he needs a whole weekend with a female friend instead of a day/evening/one night.
His answer is that I’m the woman he wants and why shouldn’t he see these ladies as they are his friends. He encouraged me to make contact with my old boyfriends and I said no, they were intimate relationships that I beleive may still, after too many glasses of wine, lead to sex-to-be-regretted. For now I’ve shelved the discussion but I am finding it difficult to beleive I’m very important to him!!
14
Steve, manchester
25 November 2010 19:16
he has a female friend he spends a whole weekend with! If I was dating a girl who had a male friend she spent whole weekends with, I’d end it.
15
Teresa
22 April 2011 21:58
strange…I find that the men that have done the most for me are all the ones that i have,nt slept with! Can anyone tell me why?