5 October 2009
Five relationship warning signs
by eHarmony
Sometimes, we all need some perspective on whether to continue a relationship or not – it’s easy to be blind to the faults of someone we feel strongly for. Here are some warning signs that it might be time to call it a day.
Hindsight is 20/20 vision they say, and when it comes to relationships we could all benefit from some of that clarity every once in a while. Who hasn’t thought that if only they’d known, or seen one detail about their ex-partner that they could have saved months of relationship hell?
Love, or thinking you are in love, can play tricks on the mind. But next time you don’t know whether you should pay heed to your nagging doubts, this list might help.
They can’t shake the ex
Just because an ex is in your partner’s life, doesn’t necessarily spell trouble. If they have children together, it’s most likely they will need to see each other. And, in some rare cases, people manage to stay friends with their exes, without any feelings beyond friendship.
But, if your new partner’s ex is in the picture, you might have to ask a few tough questions of yourself, and possibly your partner. How often do they see each other? Does this person fulfil a need you don’t? Does my partner keep photos of their ex around them? Are we actually in a meaningful relationship? That last question is the tough one. If your new flame is into you, they really shouldn’t need the attentions of their old flame. The key here is to go with your gut feeling.
You find out they’ve lied
Nobody tells the truth 100% of the time, and the odd white lie can be justified to spare someone’s feelings. But lies in relationships, even minor ones, can spell trouble. Your partner lying about where they’re going after work, or being unable to explain a text message from a mysterious person should make you wary. Even if the lie is nothing to do with your relationship, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks it is ok to lie?
And finally, bigger lies should cause no hesitation. Get out of there as fast as you can.
They ogle other men/women
If we’re honest, there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that the person who serves your coffee every morning is damned attractive. But if your partner is looking every which way at every attractive member of the opposite sex then you may have a problem. When you’re with them, they should be treating you as if you’re the only person that matters, and not comparing you to other people.
You hate their mates
If the thought of spending time with your other half’s friends sends you cold, you might need to question why they hang around with them. They could be the eternal bachelors who think it’s ok to cheat on women, or the shrieking girls who think everything should centre around them – either way, you should wonder about your mate’s priorities.
Everybody has the odd questionable friend (think about it – we bet you do), but that’s not what we’re talking about. If all your partners mates are despicable, then what does that say about your partner?
They’re a void
At the start of a romantic relationship, we all hope our other half will be devoted to us. But, over time this can mask the fact that they have nothing going on in their own lives. If you’re still pursuing your love of karate but your partner picks up the phone on the first ring every time, and constantly asks when you’re coming home, you might be dealing with a blank canvas.
Not many people want to be with someone who fills their every waking moment with activities, but we are usually attracted to those who are active and interested in the world. Talk about your dreams and aspirations with your partner, and if they don’t appeal to you, you may need to rethink your relationship.
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1
felicity
15 October 2009 11:46
deefinitely experience the void bit – i like to get on with life – he never does – eg belongs to the golf club but never goes! – either too wet too windy or too cold or no one to go with!
2
Rob
15 October 2009 12:31
I never keep in touch with any ex girlfreiends,you should let sleeping dogs lie(unless of course there are children involved).In my opinion anyone who still keeps in contact with an ex where there are no kids involved are fools and don’t deserve new partners
3
Jamie
15 October 2009 14:16
I have good relationships with most of my ex partners. Don’t get me wrong, we’re not in each others pockets but we still keep in touch and meet up in groups from time to time for a drink or two. I can’t see anything wrong with that making me a fool. Just means that I can be adult about things.
4
michael mccleary
15 October 2009 16:03
I now realise my ex partner falls in the void category,she saw my comments on everyday issues as being opinionated,she rarely made comments on said issues.only to criticise. Guess love really is blind!
5
Maz
16 October 2009 20:48
Like Jamie, I keep in touch and have a good relationship with most of my ex partners. I can see though that some people just wouldn’t be capable of this.
6
jessica
5 November 2009 14:37
i think this is nit picking if you don’t trust someone or they abuse u in any way then your taking the wrong path everything else is pointless and generally a waste of time thinking about, if your happy keep going if not cut loose
7
laura
29 November 2009 16:20
my ex filled the void category. while it was ok at first, after 8 months it drove me nuts because he never did anything and had no friends so he never had anything to talk about.
8
George
15 December 2009 20:36
I have just split up with a partner of 15 years,and although it was hard at first,to meet each other socially,we are now the best of friends.If anything,we get on better as friends,and regularly socialise as part of a group.Unless the end of a relationship is messy,I see no reason not to keep in touch,but if my new relationship was affected,I would stop seeing them.
9
Andrea
29 December 2009 23:42
I don’t think it has anything to do with keeping in contact with ex’s or not. We’re all different and all relationships are different so you can’t put things in a box. It’s to do with if you can be with someone who is in contact with an ex.
I don’t have a problem at all with a partner being in contact with an ex when children are involved but I wouldn’t like it if there weren’t children involved. Don’t know why and it’s nothing to do with trust. So for me if a partner keeps in contact with all their ex’s then I walk away but that’s me, someone else might be fine with that.
10
Helen B
17 February 2010 23:53
…………where’s the section on someone berating your bubbly, friendly, organised personality 6 months in which were the reasons they fell in love with you in the first place………help…!!! The ‘wrong’ men always pick me and until now I’ve been happy to oblige.
11
Ann
7 March 2010 17:25
Re: exes
You have to take each case on its merits, but I have to say that most of my closest friends are exes! I would not put up with a new boyfriend banning me from contact with them. Some of them are in new relationships, some not. In my opinion the ex has to be respectful of the new relationship, but the new girlfriend/boyfriend should also be able to respect the ties of friendship and affection that exist from former relationships, whether or nor children are involved. I wouldn’t want to get involved with someone who is capable of cutting people they once claimed to love dead anyway – that smacks of disloyalty to me, and would actually make me feel far more insecure with them. There is rarely any point in being jealous of someone from the past – the couple relationship failed for a reason. Personally, I’d feel much more threatened if my boyfriend was obviously attracted to someone completely new…
12
Jo
10 April 2010 21:40
I am very good friends with my 1st husband, we divorced over 25 years ago and had a daughter so remained friends. My second husband died 3 years ago, and I am so glad my 1st husband is still in my life. I cound him as family. Its great for our daughter and my son from the 2nd marriage, there has never been any problem about jealousy from my 2nd husband and in fact husband no.1 and no.2 became very good friends. There is a problem with husband no.1 girlfriend who is jealous of me, but what she should realise is I am the one person in the world she can trust! At the end of the day i’ve been there done that so what.
13
Michelle
31 July 2010 14:09
I’d like to marry to share my life with my partner most of the time. Not to have seperate lives doing our own thing most of the time. Perhaps that person who is a ‘blank canvas’ is merely waiting for her partner to join her in life. Why marry otherwise?
14
David
6 August 2010 17:18
I used to be a blank canvas, until a couple of years after my divorce. Then a remarkable woman splashed vivid colours on me. 20 years on, it’s difficult to find a 50+ year old woman with enough zest to share my interests.
If you don’t have a passion for the things you do, you can’t instil it in others.
15
Anna
30 August 2010 13:25
Worse than hating their mates is really, really liking their mates. In THAT way.
16
bo
16 November 2010 23:56
i totally agree with michelle, i think it does not mean your a blank canvas it simply means from past experince i wanted my fiancee to get involved and i felt bad leaving him behind. I am always friends with everyone an always introduce friends to each other and all ahng out, thats the way i am but i just wanted him to join in and get him involved.
17
Tina
12 September 2011 19:07
My ex and I had nothing going on in our lives, we were both lost and felt like voids. I’m surprised our relationship lasted as long as it did. The relationship ended when he finally realized it was going nowhere and we both needed to get our own lives and move on.
18
Andy
17 October 2011 00:38
I still keep in contact with my Ex! She’s a great woman and hope she finds happiness in her life.
19
Ash
12 January 2012 00:12
This article is right!
I am friends with ex boyfriends and have very healthy friendships with them and their partners. However, because of this, I was a bit too open to my last boyfriend (from eharmony) being in touch with his ex fiancee. They only broke up the year before. It turns out he was still really messed up about her. The warning signs were there all along, but I was trying to be too accepting. Every situation with an ex is different and so each should be judged on its own merit in my humble opinion.
20
Kate
13 February 2012 00:23
I think I might be the ‘void’ person. Any advice for me? Honestly, i’ve been single for a few years now, I think I need to be happy with myself before I can make anyone else happy so i’d rather be single now than in a bad relationship too soon. What if i’m this void forever though? I don’t have any friends which is sad but that’s just the way it’s worked out. I can’t just go out and get friends in order for a future relationship to be successful can I? It isn’t that easy (for me, I think) i’m not hugely sociable as i’m really shy. So i’m sort of stuck in this awkward loop. No friends, no boyfriend etc etc. I had an experience a few years ago where I know I was the void (maybe he was too, a bit) and I don’t want to be that person again. I’m 26 soon. I can’t just change the past 10 years which is what got me into this lonely unsociable state. So… I feel like in terms of relationship material i’m a leper, and the things that make me that way are so hard to change, because it’s just who I am.
21
suzy
22 February 2012 22:02
Well I’d be your friend, Kate! You sound like one of the most honest people. I came out of my ‘void’ after my 21 year marriage ended. He fell for someone who obviously wasn’t in a void. It was a wake up call. It took a long time but I leant on family and I hope yours are there for you. If not just start in a small way – ask someone at work to meet for a coffee. Take a small step. Good luck!
PS. Thanks for the tips EH. Wish I’d seen those signs a bit earlier!
22
Judith
3 April 2012 15:55
Kate – just join a few clubs and take up a few hobbies. Anything really, but something that seems interesting to you. Check out book clubs, hiking groups, sports clubs. Give yourself time to get to know people. Once you’ve got a couple of friends you’ll meet their friends too and then gradually your social circle will get bigger. You may find that you don’t need a big group of friends, just four or five people you can really rely on.
Google Meet Up in your area. If you’re shy, go for activities rather than just pub meets as you can get involved in the activity and the socialising will then just be an added bonus.
23
Mik
5 June 2012 15:12
Kate – The fact you’re so honest and recognise that you need to fill your life with more fun is a great first step.
The best way is to join some local clubs and societies. Why not learn to dance. Or volunteer with fundraising. Or learn to sail. Or go to adult education. All these ways are great. But do them and enjoy – without any great expectation.
When someone suggests going for drinks before or after (it will happen at some point) always go along if you can. Chat and be fun. Why not suggest a followup the next week. The cycle will soon break and you’ll be happy. That’s what every guy wants too. A happy person.
24
thepeacehappiness
10 August 2012 09:33
kate – try to live in the present moment more not in the past, the past does not matter. all we have is the present moment. all you need is within you already , surely you have some family members they cab be good friends, strengthen the relationships you already have if you need more socialising.