5 October 2009
Five ways to learn from past relationships
by eHarmony
Single again? Take heed of the old adage ‘What doesn’t break you makes you grow stronger’ and discover something positive in relationship failures.
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Breakups might leave you feeling bereft but every failed relationship comes with a lesson, be it good or bad. Ultimately they will help you establish what you’re looking for in a match and make you a happier and healthier person. Find out how to get the best out of difficult experiences and your newly single status.
Lesson 1: accept that not all relationships last
Once you accept that some relationships are temporary, you can learn to stop blaming yourself for what you see as relationship failures. Instead take them for what they are – helpful life lessons. They might be painful but breakups happen for a reason.
As a single person, the benefit of hindsight should help you see that you just weren’t compatible with previous partners. Perhaps your personalities didn’t fit well, your goals weren’t the same and your priorities conflicted. If you’re honest with yourself you’ll admit that you’re much better off as a result of the relationship and breakup than you would have been had you not experienced them at all. Thankfully, as eHarmony founder and relationship author Dr Neil Clark Warren can attest, “choosing a partner successfully is a skill you can develop.”
Lesson 2: learn how to apply lessons
Look at past relationships and reassess your priorities now you’re single. For example, you may never have known the value of being someone who always puts you first had you not experienced a relationship with a partner whose priorities were work, hobbies or friends. Or you may not have realised the importance of happy family relationships if you hadn’t dated someone with a dysfunctional family. Take these lessons and apply them to future relationships, looking for warning signs before it’s too late.
Lesson 3: look in the mirror
Blaming a partner entirely for a breakup won’t get you anywhere. Look at what you could improve about your own behaviour in a relationship. Do you communicate your feelings enough? Are you too strong-headed? Think about what has negatively impacted your past relationships before entering a new one. But also establish your strengths as confidence is paramount.
Lesson 4: take stock of your own life
Don’t expect future partners to fix you. In fact, if your ideal partner were to find you in mess, chances are he would make a speedy retreat. It’s vital to take steps to change what it is that you don’t like about your life. If you’re struggling with debt, attempt to sort the situation, little by little. It’s up to you to make your life appealing as a single person. You and future matches need to be happy as individuals before becoming a couple.
Lesson 5: value single time
There will always be those who float from relationship to relationship. But this isn’t something to envy. You need to be able to rely on yourself, not others. Time as a singleton helps you heal after a breakup, learn your lessons and discover your own resilience, which you won’t be able to do if you jump straight back into a relationship. Plus, it allows for some important ‘me’ time…. and being single for a bit can be fun!
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1
sara
10 November 2009 20:29
this was great to read just to no im normal and on the right track,not to compromise and pursavere(my spellings not good…its one of my skeletons!)the right person is out there thanks x
2
helen
11 December 2009 20:54
After a miserable marriage, a disaster with a ‘player’ and wasting my time with a total loser ( for a year, my own fault! ) I’ve been on my own for 5 years. As much as there has been spells of feeling lonely, this has been compensated by the lessons I’ve learned from past relationships. I’ve had a great opportunity to develop as an individual and I know what direction I want my life to go in, as well as they kind of relationship I’m looking for. Life is for learning and living, not wallowing in misery and despair because you are single. Better to have no company than bad company folks!!
3
Toni
4 January 2010 10:58
Spot on ! Learning to love yourself might be the greatest love of all, but being loved by others especially those you love is the icing on the cake of life ! The best is yet to come…
4
Helen B
18 February 2010 00:55
I agree with Helen (2) above. Strength comes from adversity and I have learned so much about myself by being with the wrong person for 6 years. Now I’m single I can focus on me and although I am on this dating site I am unsure about letting anyone spoil the new found relationship I have with myself – it’s wonderful. Just read the page on ‘why it’s good to be single’. Sacrificing not having children may be a small price to pay for keeping my individuality and sanity. I seem to attract control freaks…….help..!!!!
5
bonvacantia
30 January 2011 09:04
Doctor Phil has a great term for past relationships and how to use them, “autopsy.”
Any help is always most welcome, however sometimes you don’t know what it didn’t work until years later down the line when you have experiences of several involvements. I won’t generalise about men and woman being different as all women are different too and we all have to resolve our own beliefs, personality plus’s and flaws, learn to be happy as single’ establish what we are looking for before entertaining a relationship! And if we all did then most of us spend our time as single through self discovery first, which I don’t think we do we bumble along making mistakes and that is what life is about, until you learn from the mistakes and are will to accept that you will not find Mr Perfect. In fact not all the good ones are taken, and a lot of the married are not Good at All!