5 October 2009
Is it ever OK to lie?
by eHarmony
Little white lies might sound harmless but in a relationship no lie is ever little. Does the occasional fib help keep the peace or spell relationship doom? Find out in our investigation into whether it's ever OK to lie.
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Little white lies might sound harmless but in a relationship no lie is ever little. There are two types of fibs in the world of romance – those told to avoid uncomfortable emotions in others which the liar could be held responsible for and those wielded to manipulate others to get ahead or get away with something. Either way, the motivation is selfish.
The issue might seem minor, for example, you could be tempted to lie if she asks “Do I look fat in this skirt?” but choosing fiction over fact to avoid discomfort is to short-change the bond of trust you share with the one you love. Instead, tactfully embrace the truth by replying, “That skirt’s okay but this dress really makes you look great.”
Telling the truth can cause temporary discomfort at times but this could signal that there are bigger issues in need of frank discussion. For instance, if the topic concerns your finances as a couple and your partner is indulging in a little too much retail therapy to the detriment of your shared bank balance, this is something you need to address. Letting seemingly small issues fester because you can’t bring yourself to tell the truth can lead to a pattern of fib telling further down the line.
Why honesty is the best policy
When we need guidance, we want the truth. Close friends can provide advice and emotional support but the bond with your partner is more intense. In a healthy relationship a partner should be a confidante and a trusted sounding board who knows his or her partner on a much more intimate level than their friends. The love and acceptance of each other should be unconditional.
While truth can bring pain, honesty is the cornerstone of a successful long-term relationship. It allows the best possible communication which will help a couple get through the good times and the bad. By contrast, dishonesty is a weapon of separation in a relationship. Lying only creates distance.
Even the tiniest of fibs can generalise into larger ones over time. It is easy to make excuses to justify dishonest behaviour with statements like “I’m only trying to protect him” or “I don’t want to hurt her” but these are cop-outs that serve the liar more than their partner. Lies are toxic to a relationship and show a huge lack of respect. Guilt and shame might also be damaging but, if brought out into the open, a couple can work through and overcome their problems.
Ultimately, choosing to be honest or dishonest depends on what you want from your relationship. Temporary emotional comfort in a potentially volatile situation might seem tempting but for the sake of a healthy long-term relationship, lying spells doom. It’s vital that both people know that they can trust each other to be upfront and honest.
» Experience the eHarmony difference today
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1
Bob
15 October 2009 16:32
Dangerous to make hard and fast rules – generally lies are wrong, but sometimes their use doesn’t do any harm or could even save someone’s life.
For example, you are in a dress shop, your loved one clearly has her heart set on the little red number, and asks do you think this is the best out of the twenty I have tried on. You think the red one looks good but the blue one is better.
What do you say? No the blue looks better, and watch her face drop in disappointment or say I think you are right go for the red. A lie but ……
Or for example – you are stranded on a mountain top -10C, your loved one has a badly broken leg and is in bad shape, the rescue services might be days before finding you. They ask are we going to make it. You think you don’t stand a chance – what do you say?
2
Drew
20 October 2009 09:19
I think there’s a difference between being honest and outright lying, and in the long run it’s better (for both parties) to be truthful than to lie to make someone feel “good”. Most people lie, I think, because they don’t think about long-term consequences.
3
D
5 March 2010 09:27
I have raised my children to appreciate honesty, by teaching them that “the worst/most difficult of truths, is better than the best/most creative of lies”. When they get into trouble or make a bad decision or need help, they come to me, instead of hiding it or turning to someone else.
4
D
5 March 2010 09:28
A truth may be difficult to hear or may hurt someone’s feelings, right now. But, a lie will be far more painful or damaging, plus the hurt feelings will be far worse than the pain of the truth. Because there is the pain or hurt feelings that the truth may/would probably bring on, but it is now combined with a deeper pain of deception. A lie is a lie is a lie…..
5
A
2 August 2010 01:39
Lies can wreck lives. I spent 3/4 of a decade loving somebody who lied and deceived time after time. The lies ranged from simple and silly, to ground-breaking, some taking years to emerge. We eventually split but within weeks, her lies destroyed the friendship (I shouldn’t have offered) also. With it, finally, went my ability to trust. I wish people thought about the damage they can cause when they take the selfish and easy route of twisting truths. It’s a reckless thing to do with somebody’s heart.