Seven phrases that can kill a relationship

5 October 2009

by eHarmony

Some topics of conversation are like poison to your love life. If you're the type of person who doesn't have a 'Mute' button, avoid these seven phrases at all costs - once you've uttered them there's no going back.

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Do you find that your relationships keep grinding to a halt when certain words slip out of your mouth? Does a particular subject cause an instant change in atmosphere between you and your partner? Discover the top phrases to banish from your vocabulary to keep your love life on track.

‘Then maybe we shouldn’t be together!’
You wouldn’t tell your boss you’re quitting unless you really meant it, but sometimes people are tempted to drop a bombshell just to get their partner off their back: “If you don’t like the way I make lasagne, you’ll never understand me. We should just break up!”

Reserve this kind of talk for when you really want to end a relationship or you’ll risk your partner taking you up on the offer. Never use it as a rhetorical weapon.

‘You’re lousy in bed’
You were expecting fireworks, but your partner didn’t quite deliver. Although you may be frustrated, resist the temptation to mock or criticise the person you love for their poor performance. You’re on extremely sensitive ground. In intimate situations, a person is sharing something very private and special with you and they are at their most vulnerable. Anger or even gentle teasing is likely to be extremely hurtful.

Instead, positive words will yield the best results. Talk about what you like in bed, rather than what doesn’t work for you. ‘I’d love it if we could stay in this position’ will be better received than ‘Stop squirming!’ Being a bully in bed is likely to make your loved one want to search for someone more sensitive.

‘Why can’t you be more (or less) like my ex?’
Every partner teaches us about what we do and don’t want from a relationship. But your current beau wants to feel unique, not like the sequel to a bad romantic comedy. Never suggest you’re still hung up on the past by comparing him or her to an old flame. Be specific about how you feel and what you want – but in the context of today.

‘I can’t help you with that now. I’m just too tired from work.’
You might well be exhausted from that high pressure meeting or from a frantic rush to meet a deadline, but these days, most men and women have taxing jobs outside the home. This is the lamest excuse in the book.

Remember that the person you love is likely to be as tired as you are and, even if they’re not, they shouldn’t have to rush around picking up all your dirty washing, move the sofa by themselves or take the children off to football practice. If you really don’t have enough energy, ask to trade or defer chores. Or just do what you need to as fast as possible so that you can sit back and relax together.

‘You did that once, too!’
When your partner complains about your behaviour, instead of apologising, do you retaliate by dredging up something similar they did in the long forgotten past? We all make mistakes every now and then but small errors made years ago shouldn’t be tools for avoiding blame in the present. ‘You were late for our date five years ago!’ is no excuse for bailing on your anniversary dinner today. Bringing up past transgressions will only exacerbate bad feelings.

‘You knew I was like this when we first met!’
While you should never enter into a relationship with the mission of changing your partner, people’s personalities and behaviour naturally adapt as they grow older. We generally get better at looking after our money, time management and social interactions. If one of you is growing and the other is staying static, this could be a big obstacle to your relationship.

Claiming that you’re allowed to go out drinking every night or spend hours playing computer games because that’s what you did when you met is effectively like saying ‘I’ll never grow or change, so don’t get your hopes up.’ Rather than sticking rigidly to old habits, work out what aspects of yourself you could change for the better. If your partner is making unfair demands, tell them what you can alter and give logical reasons for what you can’t.

‘No comment.’
Sometimes you can kill a relationship with what you don’t say. Non-committal responses can be just as damaging as saying too much. Communicating with your beau and expressing what you mean is essential to a healthy relationship. If you don’t listen to what they’re telling you and always say “fine” or “no problem”, then any problems you have as a couple will never be resolved. If you stifle conversation you’ll also suffocate intimacy and leave your relationship gasping for breath.

Rating: 7.5/10 (280 votes cast)

Comments

Anna

12 October 2009 09:52

From personal experience, ‘why can’t you be more like my ex’ is the worst. I said it once, and my then boyfriend never forgave me…in fact, he kept bringing it up, and I can now see why – no one likes to be compared to someone else.

felicity

15 October 2009 11:43

he says ‘maybe we should not be together’ and I do the no comment bit with ‘fine’ and ‘ok’ – I cannot see a way out except through the door quietly. – i used to try to explain but he never seemed to understand or kept turning it back to him so i don’t bother anymore

alun

15 October 2009 12:45

“…people’s personalities and behaviour naturally adapt as they grow older. We generally get better at looking after our money, time management and social interactions.”

I am not sure that this is generally true, and am certain in my own case that it is not. In fact, as time has gone by I have come to resent more any attempt to make or persuade me to conform to someone else’s expectations. Conversely, I don’t expect anyone to change to conform to mine – I have no such expectations of change.

I am afraid I am a radical non-conformist in every sense of the word. I am sure that there is a lot of us around.

Richard

15 October 2009 15:06

Remember a relationship to start with is hard work. Some people try to hard to live up to other peoples expectations you should be yourself dont pretend you are something that you are not. As my nan would say be sure that your sins will find you our.
And finally never never go to bed on a argument!

Bob

15 October 2009 15:59

Actually the key is to try all of the above phrases – If the relationship survives you know you have found the one (or a door mat!). If not, then there’s eharmony

maureen

15 October 2009 23:37

I agree the first four phrases are terrible & could end a relationship but I dont think the use of any of the last three phrases would have drastic results.

Richard Galliers

16 October 2009 10:53

What a load of old rubbish if you need to follow any of these useless tips you might as well call it a day,and start a new relationship

Marie James

16 October 2009 17:55

Ha Ha! “Go Richard!”

fionna

18 October 2009 19:51

Majority of this is all true – if you say things like the above it is never accidental – one of you will be trying to find a way out by causing hurt or an arguement.
I am not bothered by any except YOU KNOW i WAS LIKE THIS WHEN YOU MET ME – how childish. Why bothering dating if men hold this view – pathetic – grow up. I mean any relationship that I ended happened very shortly after this statement was made.

Alex

24 October 2009 21:31

Get a dog.

Olivia

27 October 2009 02:21

Well said Richard! Relationships are certainly not what they used to be, thanks to all these rules and regulations we are expected to follow. Yeah rite!

Alex, a person after my own heart, can’t beat unconditional love.

Alun, lighten up!

Lola

28 October 2009 17:27

I suspect most men hate the “so where is this going?” question. In the longest relationship I ever had, that question never got asked and I wasted far too much time on a man that wasn’t that in to me.

Catherine

11 November 2009 11:59

I’m with Lola (& Alex!) on this. “So where is this going?” can be the kiss of death. Most men ot seems will see this as seeking commitment and run like hell.

And so the advice women are given is not to scare men away with talk of a future with them.

Why the hell not? If we don’t ask we won’t know and, like Lola, we end up wasting time with unsuitable guys.

Guys, if you’re not serious – walk away now!

shelley

19 November 2009 13:03

my ex used to say maybe we should be together ever time he didnt get his own way. not suprisingly were not together anymore!

David

19 November 2009 15:17

Avoid “where’s this going” at first, but a few dates in it’s time to sort out the ‘hobby daters’ from the relationship material.

A man worth the time will appreciate the question because it’s direct and not one of those silly girl-test loaded questions which women (wrongly) assume gives them an infallable test of his soul.

It’s not easy to put feelings into words, and he may not really know himself yet and need a while to think about it, but it’s wrong to assume men don’t have feelings – the worthwhile ones do!

If you hear something like “I dont know, but I’m enjoying finding out” that’s good.

[[But what has this got to do with eH ? I'm looking for a partner, not relationship advice!]]

Lou

19 November 2009 18:20

Sigh…I think there is something fundamentally wrong with all of us, not only having the time to read this but to also to bother posting comments too!

Sarah

22 November 2009 18:14

Sadly, got the time to sit here and read as there don’t appear to be many men out there willing to communicate … and e-harmony please don’t give me the sad auto-response about changing my criteria. I’ve followed all the advice adn responded to the majority of my proposed matches but the truth is there are so many more women than men on this site, that men coming on are overwhelmed by prospective matches and unfortunately don’t appear to want to close off those of us they’re not interested in, so we’re left hoping and then getting more and more disheartened. Good job I’ve got a dog!

Rob

23 November 2009 13:12

If you don’t find love, pets can be a good solution, they never mess you around.

brian

24 November 2009 09:52

well said sarah i like dogs and you,ve just found your match lol

kevin

24 November 2009 17:39

Beg, borrow or steal a labrador, Go for a nice long walk. Forget about dating and everything will work out for the best.

simon

24 November 2009 21:28

i think there is allot of pressure for men to be this or act like that and women only become angry and almost bust a brain cell when this kind of pressure is reflected back at them and so it should, my point is that everyone has to make adjustments and changes in a relationship but it starts to get insane when women and men start to indulge their selfish ego and start to look upon their partners as not good enough, real unconditional love reqiers people to accept peoples human fiobles and only realisticly change things when issues arise which begs the question if you want to give your partner a complete personality overhaul you are standing on a very shaky and unstable pedastal so why put yourself up there?I by no means Think that arguments should ever lead to unfaithfull acts as many would try to assert dissapiontingly in both the women and ladies camp
i have met and dated many people who instantly made demands of wanting a guy with a car a house and money coming out of their ears and at the time it just was not possible to hang the moon for them so to speak, but what bothered me more was these women were the most critical intollerant ungratefull sexist bigots i had ever met, at the time i felt like rubbish but now i realise how they wanted some miracullouse change to happen overnight so they could sit pretty telling themselves that they were worth it whilst never stopping to take a glance in the mirror to look at how shallow and hypocritical they had become. i think when you stop caring about people and start wanting to controll their actions your going head long into a whole world of trouble.i think people should worry more about what their own actions are saying people generally make changes when they feel they are more included as an individual in the process. sorry to rant on folks but i really feel that i see the same tired old arguments going on and once i start typing id find it hard to stop. you cant say love should be unconditional and then walk out when your partner asks you to do something cos then sureley your unconditional love argument has become a condition within itself lets use some brainpower people if you want to finish with someone claim responsability for it just as much as someone who can no longer tolerate a persons non progressive state will have to admit that it is one of their patience and tolerance flaws that has contributed to the end of that relationship in the end.

Patricia

25 November 2009 00:24

One or two of these would be ok to deal with but if like me you have heard them all from your ‘lover’, it’s time to move on.

Jan

26 November 2009 18:45

Oh my! Well I read all seven tips and they made me laugh more than anything else.I then read all the comments and all I can say is that Alun will remain single until he has an attitude change and Simon really needs a cuddle. I’ve never tried a dating site before but so far its great fun.

Mike

29 November 2009 09:45

Well Jan, I pretty much agree with you as regards the first point. As for what Simon needs, you may well be right. I don’t feel qualified to comment. In Alun’s case though I have to disagree to a large extent. Some of us reach a certain age and know what we want from life. If one has reached that point why should one change? For my part, I know there are certain things I want to change about myself and would be happy for a ‘partner’ – however you want to define that word – to help me change. There are other things about me which will never change though. For example, I’m not into dogs so dog owners go straight onto my ‘ignore’ list. There are obviously things in my profile which create a similar response in other people as I’ve had two people do the same to me in the last few days. Unfortunately this site doesn’t provide the facility for one to say specifically what the problem is so I don’t know if it’s something I would be willing to change.

Julie

4 December 2009 14:46

Best laugh I’ve had in ages reading these comments….

I’ve got one Alex, I agree with you Sarah and Kevin if you want you can borrow my black labrador anytime, she’s always up for a walk …oh and Mike no wonder you’re not getting anywhere, for putting animal lovers onto your ‘ignore’ list!! The majority of dog owners are the nicest and most caring people you’d wish to meet.

John

5 December 2009 10:27

After reading all the comments, I’ve come to the decision that relationships are so flippin hard. Unless you talk to each other, be honest about your hopes, dreams and what you want from each other then nothing is going to work.I think honesty and compatability are the keys to finding and keeping a partner, as long as you both know what you want from life and they tie in with each other then all should go well.
As for the phrases previously discussed, most are harmless and could be talked about with no ill results, except possibly the “your lousy in bed” one. Think that would be a killer for anyone really, especially if it was after being together a number of years!!

Teresa

9 December 2009 10:25

Enjoyed reading all the comments on this. I think we should form our own chat room – everybody has so much to say and it’s interesting!

Hilary

9 December 2009 12:56

All these comments are really interesting.
Simon’s especially as he’s obviously thought critically about it all and is prepared to communicate his position clearly. He may or may not be expressing views common to men generally but if more men communicated so openly I would have a better understanding of their perspectives and feelings.

Jamie

10 December 2009 23:27

lol i had a quick look at these and most of them made me laugh. although i must admit there seems to be something about me women don’t like ( not sure if it’s my looks or something else ) since i’ve been single 13 years now and even through dating sites i can’t seem to find love. Sigh, oh well never mind eh? If i don’t have a relationship…. i can’t kill it can i? lol

Mike

11 December 2009 02:34

I disagree about relationships being hard work, if it’s right it ought be easy and feel natural. Admittedly you shouldn’t take things for granted either. But if you feel you ought to refer to a set of rules then that is pretty sad, always best just to be yourself and if that’s how your partner accepts you then all should be well.
I also agree with Teresa, a chat room would be great, come on Eharmony, let’s have one!!!!!

monana

12 December 2009 13:03

We are all unique and spacial in our different ways. The best way to look at the cup half full instead of half ampty.Let the person be free and happy in himself when you meet. Let go if it don’t suit you. ‘GRACEfALLY’ or welcome hem with an open arms if it is what you wamts. Best wiches to you all for xmass and a prosperous year 2010.

monana

12 December 2009 13:48

I found something useful in each comment and egnored what is not useful to me. So, I see that everyone expressed their opinions freely. Thanks to eHarmony to let us have speace to let go. Fortunately we live in a free country.

Adam

15 December 2009 19:09

Im finding it very difficult to meet the kind of women Im looking for.This is because Im very fussy about who I take seriously.This is,of course,out of my control as we cant choose what and who we like.So,when someone say’s”you’re too fussy”,what choice does the person have?I mean she doesnt have to have blonde hair or drive a nice car but I have to connect and also find her sexually attractive.I work with a lot of good looking women in an industry that can be very materialistic and this certainly doesnt help matter’s.As my opinion of women generally isnt the best…..although I am aware that they arent all like this.lol

For relationship’s to work I think its important to respect eachother and consideration would be high on my list of thing’s that can hold it together.The day we stop finding that person sexually attractive is a time when we have to evaluate where we are at…….unless you are both in ur 70′s and have built a bond that we dont often see anymore.

Mike

19 December 2009 13:11

What you are looking at are two individual people coming together, it is very unlikely that everything is going to snap together like a jigsaw puzzle, as long as you have the same foundations like morals etc you can both make adjustments to make your picture whole. We’ve all said things in situations which after a few seconds we wished we could suck back in, we’re human. Relationships are about give and take and if you think that you’re going to walk in to one and are not willing to make those changes then give now. .
People are 80% liquid or whatever the figure is lol so why be rigid. You’re gonna have to bend sometimes

Chris

28 December 2009 21:22

‘You knew I was like this when we first met!’
oh god. My ex said this to me when we split up. It didn’t help at all. I mean, yes I did know but silly me imagined we might grow closer over time. Lessons learned.

Julie

30 December 2009 10:51

I think Simon should put his spellchecker on!

chris

30 December 2009 23:44

The most important thing is to be true to yourself and who YOU are. Never build anything on lies or dishonesty. When you meet the right person, it will come naturally as putting on socks, with no pretentiousness.

Also while remembering past experiences, dont let the bad influence the current…everyone is different. Don’t dwell in the past, but look ahead in case you miss something.

Also you may have to kiss a few frogs before the right one comes along, seems its all i do!

Another line worth considering, “its not you, its me…” arrrgghhh! maybe the ultimate…

Time to find the one…

Happy New Year All

steve

2 January 2010 12:09

How sweet to read all of the above and somehow convince myself the key to a long lasting relationship is all based on what or do not say in the heat of the moment. My last relationship was great for 22 years. We were married for 20 of them, had a beautiful daughter and was what you would call a loving family. My Wife turns 48 then BANG ! She goes through the menopause. Finds a new younger man, moves away up North leaving me & our Daughter. Tries to convince her family I was to blame and demands I fanance her new lifstyle. Anybody got the answers to this one ?

Ann

2 January 2010 13:20

There’s a little book I recommend that might just help girls, its called Why Men Love Bitches and the sequel is Why Men Marry Bitches. Sounds quite an aggresive title really but don’t be put off. Have a read and I can pretty much guarantee you’ll get something out of it. Good luck

john

3 January 2010 00:46

well the lousy in bed brings back memories, whilst she dident actually say it like that, there was inference to my performance, the fact was I was paying so much attention to pleasing her, anyways as much as I loved her after this remark I just knew it wouldent go out of my head, I knew sex was never going to be as it was, infact I knew there wasent going to be sex again. As much as she was sorry, infact the word’s were “I’d rather be with you without the sex, than not be with you at all” It ended because I knew it could never be the same again, so yes NEVER mention performance if you want to keep things alive.

Lisa

3 January 2010 23:26

Brian and Sarah – aaaah bless! )

Happy new year everyone. I’ve enjoyed reading these very much and now i’m off to kiss frogs, walk dogs and listen to Richard’s nan….
If anyone has any other suggestions to find Mr Right in West Cheshire, do let me know!
Lisa x

Lizzie

4 January 2010 19:49

“then maybe we shouldn’t be together” was the perfect “OUT” phrase and I used it and suddenly my partner had the key to get out of the relationship….I knew as soon as I’d said it that he probably would go and he did. So it wasn’t meant to be and 6 years wasn’t too bad a go at a new relationship, although I didn’t want it to end at the time.

Mike

5 January 2010 04:37

When the gal has told you she is looking for a serious relationship, you meet and the comment that really annoys one is
” I’m going to go travelling alone for about six months at the end of the year”
This will usually involve her trying to find herself in the far east and doing some alternative therapy courses..Reiki/Reflexology/Astro Levitation, blah blah !
If you gals wants to go a travelling “alone” fine but please don’t start looking for a serious relationship until you are back and sorted,or put another way stop wasting peoples time

Gareth

6 January 2010 12:57

The solution is simple although difficult. I work on the 80/20 rule! If you are happy 80% of the time with your partner then you should be prepared to make 20% changes to make it work even better. If you are not prepared to change 20% of yourself then realistically you are probably not ready for a relationship. If your partner is looking to change much more than this then they are probably with the wrong person as they are actually fundimentally looking for something that you are not. That does not mean off course anyone is right or wrong simply you are not right for each other ))

Dawn

6 January 2010 20:28

I like Gareth’s 80/20 rule. I’ve always had this concept, but never before heard it put in a mathematical way! As for the eH “rules”, I think that they are stating the obvious! It never helps to say that someone is bad in bed, and I find the phrase “then maybe we shouldn’t be together” very manipulative. Just be yourself, and if others don’t like it, then they’re not the right person for you. While compromise is vital for a successful relationship, expecting another person to change is destructive. We are all unique and should therefore receive the respect that we all deserve.

Barry

7 January 2010 15:59

You could be right Sarah. I’ve just joined & I’m swamped with ladies & I don’t even know how to download or is upload a photo. I’ve sorta printed one from my mobile & posted it in.Rang to ask if it was okto do wot I’d done etc. Could hardly get a word in edgeways, everttime i said something a question was asked to which I’d already given the answer. Must work off a sheet of standard question, i hate that, it’s like one is totally irrelevant, as well as unprofessional

Jose

7 January 2010 23:01

Once a gf asked me who of her friends was the one I thought was the pretiest, I metioned one and since then, the name of the friend was coming out of nowhere in lots of conversations. Even now, she keeps mentioning her. A big mistake!

Marrtin

13 January 2010 03:51

like some of the comments and al should read the book ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’ to enlighten when the hell we should be doin as our roles as partners have so vastly changed x

Lynda Sullivan

15 January 2010 01:26

To John (40) by saying’I'd rather be with you without the sex than not be with you at all’ your previous girlfriend was really saying she loves you DESPITE sex. It’s actually a compliment and sign of unconditional love, but not to be taken literally – unless she had desires to be a nun! You really should take Marrtin’s advice (48) and read ‘Men are from Mars…’. I did, and laughed so much at the trueisms of men and women that I read it again….. Good luck everyone in your quest for genuine love – the ‘one’ is out there (or on Mars!).

Karen

15 January 2010 12:26

If I didnt have a labrador that is a good stand in for Marley then perhaps I would have more luck at football matches ha ha.

Tony

15 January 2010 18:12

Some very interesting points;good to see
some people live in the real world.

Wanda

16 January 2010 16:40

This was very interesting to read. My last interested male told me I couldn’t debate intellectually in other words stupid – needless to say I never spoke or emailed him again.

LisaB

17 January 2010 13:50

Only just joined the site and really enjoyed Reading your comments, makes it all seem a bit more real hearing I’m not the only one who seems to be wadeing through the ‘frogs’…but can anyone tell me why I spent several hours filling out the questionaire, making sure to be completely honest about what I’m looking for and what I’m like and ended up with zero matches???!! What am I supposed to do now then?

howard

17 January 2010 21:26

it is atrue fact that we are all different and have different needs.opening up to someone new can hard and not all of us male species think we are gods gift to women .just down to earth guys looking for achance to find the right one. or course there will be aqward moments but remember men and women are both fromEARTH DEAL WITH IT!!

Nichola

17 January 2010 22:04

Totally off the subject, but too all you men out there who haven’t put their photo on their home page, if you’ve got a built in web cam use it too take your picture then e-mail in it’s dead easy, and us ladies will stop pestering you to post your photos. ;-] x

----

18 January 2010 23:31

Why can’t people be honest – just got dimissed by p who mentions no kids but has a child

Shona

20 January 2010 17:24

Can anyone enlighten me as to why the answer is ‘no’ to both has kids/wants kids question and yet further down one of the things to be thankful for is ‘my children’ or is best at ‘raising and caring for children’?. Are people filling in the form wrong or has eharmony made the form wrong to read? Most of my matches have these this! As for the 7 phrases, I agree with the 80/20 rule!

Martin

21 January 2010 14:33

What do you do when you’ve tried all these lines and STILL can’t get rid of her?!

Samantha

21 January 2010 21:54

I had a great laugh reading these, thanks made my day. I now realise that I am not the only one out there that feels that they can’t find the right man. I am not overly fussy but do no some things that I want or don’t want in a man. I also wish that if the men don’t like you they remove themselves it would save a lot of heartache waiting for a reply that never comes!!

Claire

22 January 2010 20:02

As I’m fairly new to this site, I have enjoyed reading all of your comments, I agree with the 80/20 rule and also agree with Shona, I’ve noticed that aready about the kids…..

sarah

23 January 2010 23:05

hi martin have you tried dying your hair and changing your name yet! ha ha ha

Louise

25 January 2010 00:25

I had heard all seven of these childish retorts from my partner in the last 2 months. He regrets it now, as I joined eHarmony and found plenty of great guys who were happily willing to take his place and one can confirm that I’m definately NOT lousy in bed. He says it was just sarcasm and teasing and wants me back. Hmmm…I guess he better join eHarmony.

Bigsy

25 January 2010 16:13

Well…. i don’t feel qualified to make any comment,but after reading all these comments here, i might as well do. I think some men and women do forget that we all have different CULTURES and RELIGIONS, these things play a vital role when it comes to relationships,well of course unless you watch too many movies,but this is real what i’m talking about, NOTE,it doesn’t matter what colour what country or city you come from, you gonna heve to understand their culture so as yours, before committing yourself, unless you willing to be a WINDMILL, Think Like a Woman and Act Like a Man….

Belle

27 January 2010 23:16

Well you know something, I don’t think there is a right or wrong thing to say in a relationship. Most important is to be prepared to make the effort to know your partner to be, understand them and have a genuine interest in them.

If you are sensible enough to be direct before you get all cushy and marry or something then at least you know all the answers and the last time someone said why are you not like my ex, I just collapsed in fits of laughter and said well she put you in the street in your boxers as you said and took all your money, do you want me to do that??

Culture and religion is important and so are upbringing, personality, preferences, personal values and emotions. Understanding culture is important but being open to learn is advisable.

Love is strange, for someone I once knew it meant he would always run to me whenever flavour or the month kicked him out, I would feed him, house him, support him and let him relax in my environment. His way of telling me he appreciated tha was to tell me he was going to f#@% me till he died and I had a good hole, awesome. When he finally fell in love, he was so overwhelmed when I told him I simply could not live with his incredulous ways and stalked me, threatened to kill me and reacted with hostility. He just could not understand that stepping outside to take a call which was part of the drama in his life and then waking me at nite up by trying to visit a stiffie on me or being brazen enough to stop to answer the phone in the middle of you know what cos it might be work was not my idea of permanence in love. He wept like a baby, I was shocked. His dream woman was a mug and he was only willing to stop long enough to drink the tea in it and leave the mug to wash itself, dry itself, put itself back on the shelf, stay on the shelf and wait till he wanted another cuppa!! I should have said more than the above comments which I did, I should have chased him down the road with a machete so he would not come back.

Some men do say horrid things because they feel if they do and think you love them that you will become low in spirits and jump to their every command because you want to retain that love.

S.solahdoidarsflajfldkjlka

Thats what saying nothing means, rubbish, speak your mind, ask questions, listen to your loved one, appreciate and understand them, show them devotion and attention, be sure they are what you want and don’t give your sperm away because you must have a diamond you will never be able to keep if you are horrid.

jazz

28 January 2010 06:19

hey ppl!! i read those 7 things and i have 2 admitt i hav sed some of those things but my ex loved me that much and was bassoited wae me he never let it get 2 him quite sad really!! i hav a dog:) xx

Jayne

1 February 2010 12:43

Just read all of these comments and can’t quite believe how insecure everyone is with themselves. Everyone has to learn to be happy with themselves, both inside and out. Once you, and only you have accepted that you are not perfect then thats when happiness starts. Be honest not only with yourself but with the person that you are with. Honesty hurts like hell but at least you know where you stand. People nowadays are too quick to judge – like looking at the cover of a book – nobody bothers to look inside to see what happens. The trouble is we all want too much and wanting too much leads to disappointment. The only piece of advice I can give is learn to love yourself first, everything else is incidental.

Mike

1 February 2010 22:22

Jayne

Good advice but sadly society has changed from when our parents were dating .
Everyone is looking for the unobtainable due to the image of men/women we are sold on tv / in magazines etc.
Most girls I have met are not bothered about the words in the book ,just want an undamaged shiny cover.
We should all just be grateful if we meet a decent/honest girl/guy who wants the same as us but it’s proving more difficult for both sexes due to the tick list dating culture.

Nursing homes are going to be full of the single childless in 40 yrs time , and skips full of family memories as no one to pass them onto…..very sad

simon

5 February 2010 14:44

an over anxiosness to please people can end in disaster so treat yourselves well people. jayne hit the nail on the head really if you expect people to hang the moon for you 9 times outta 10 your gonna be dissapionted cos we are all human this is ace advice as i never liked the disney trance state that allot of peoplle seem to be in nowadays.i just wanna girl thats realistic or at least realistic and grounded a good percentage of the time we wont be abgle to avoid disagreeing and arguing just as long as she is on this planet im ok.

Diane

8 February 2010 21:54

Going back to the question on children, the form asks if you have any children 18 years or younger at home. It does not then go on to ask if you have any older children, hence the answer is ‘No’ to having children.
I have to say it is very interesting reading all these comments, i’m no further forward but maybe more informed.

Geraldine

9 February 2010 00:35

Why not, when meeting someone new, revert to the young, innocent 15/16 year old on a first date. (Not literally)! Filled with enthusiasm, excited at spending time with, and learning about that person and finding common ground. Above all, enjoying your time together. Learn from it. If the evening doesn’t work out, well at least you’ve been out!

We clearly all have a history. Don’t let past experiences affect new. Keep an open mind.

I spent an evening with someone I didn’t find attractive, was a bit of skin-flint, but, hey I learned an awful lot about antiques!!! (I hate antiques). I laughed all the way home!

joe

9 February 2010 15:13

All women (whether they admit it or not) want a man to be strong and take the lead. Forget all this post-feminist crap- a bird once a man to be a man and tell her what’s what…If you want some good tips on how to treat a woman look at some re-runs of On the Buses, or maybe some old Benny Hill shows…:-)

sarah

11 February 2010 21:56

The answer to all these problems…a great pedicure..preferably on a Thai island…bright pink paint…trust me it gets you noticed!

Jane

13 February 2010 01:13

I am a single woman with a mind of her own and like to make decisions for herself. I have raised 4 daughters(I agree that the form can be decieving for the opposite sex when reading your profile when you answer the children question, my children are grown up and I have four grandchildren with another due in the next few days. I think if we are honest both to ourselves and to others we will not be disappointed, but if we keep trying to fool ourselves then we will come unstuck. I an not a size 6 model I am a happy mother and grandmother who nwould really like to meet someone to share the good things in lfe and to love and be loved.We need to be sensible and ask questions that we would not mind answering.

Chris

14 February 2010 13:56

To Shona and others, I think the -has kids No, wants kids No,- is down to the way the questions are asked on the form as in Do you have children under 18 and living in your home? No. I have 2 boys of 28 and 30, neither of them live with me. I don’t want to have more so my answers are No and No.

Angie

14 February 2010 23:05

I just thought I’d add that relationships are hard work, but like everything you put a effort into, has more value to you. There are millions of things that could kill a relationship, but keep respect for each other at the centre and you’ll be ok. You’ll know if it’s worth hanging onto to cause respect’s still there.

marie

15 February 2010 04:59

I recently was seeing someone he was always so nasty and funny with me if i had other male friends. I am glad i dont have anything more to do with him now he was a control freak i was silly to have started seeing him because deep down i never really trusted him he always went on dating websites even though he was seeing me plus he gambles too much wastes money so to be honest they wouldnt have been a future with him so maybe it was for best and i can move on and find someone who will treat me better and i can trust. I felt used by him he would never come and meet my parents when asked would make excuses plus would never mention me to any of his friends. I found out one time that he even lied to his friends about who he was coming to see when he use to come and see me at weekends. That made me feel as though he was ashamed of me. But i am not upset anymore over him its worked out for the best he was lot older than me not that age mattered but regards to him his ways were totally opposite to mine we clashed so i just put it down to experience and forget and move on

barbara

18 February 2010 12:17

wicked reading…i,ve just joined and can’t believe what entertainment is out there! Both sexes need to re-visit their true emotions and desires and not produce un-achievable expectations, at the end of the day are u perfect? we should allow for some flaws and be a bit tolerant to these otherwise stay on your own for the rest of your sweet life. I also love my dog, what a mate he is!

Sarah

18 February 2010 23:25

Hi guys, enjoyed reading the comments!
Adam (33) get a life! Is it anyone else’s fault?
And Jayne- listening to my parents’ stories and their friends, I don’t think things have really changed that much. You always risk someone hurting you, because you let them come in close. Thinking that you should be able to stand by yourself suggests you’ve never been that close. I’ve done both, let people in to get hurt and toughened up my skin so I can take the bullets. All I can say is it’s lonely behind that toughened exterior! I think the risk is worth it.

Margaret

23 February 2010 17:39

I’m with Joe – be men why don’t you – we will stop you soon enough when we don’t like something !!

Also the quickest way to lose a guy is to say these three words I love you.

Yes I am speaking from experience !

Victoria

26 February 2010 19:58

Reference the right and wrong thing’s to say…this (my comment), may be an example in itself from both perspectives. What is the point of trying too hard and messing it up anyway?…the thing is surely we are all human (or at least supposed to be)…my point is we are none of us quite manage perfect…if we did aspire to such magnificent delussional egotism, would we be on a singles dating site in the first place? If merely getting a dog was the answer..surely we would all have oneby now…perhaps thinking (not over thinking),before saying hurtful or stupid thing’s is the answer!!! That said at least comment has promoted commentafter comment so communication oes after all exist.

Lindsay

3 March 2010 11:50

Another potential turn off is repeating how awful your old partner was without giving a proper reason. I think males don’t do this so much because they retain some affection for all their old partners. But females do because they feel a need to show they are no longer attached and just as good as the females who have never been atttached.

James

5 March 2010 13:24

Are so many people really this incompetent at spelling and grammar – or is it a case of people knowing better but being too lazy to care?

If i received a correspondence on this site from an interested party that was riddled with as many mistakes, i would assume it reflects that persons general approach and level of integrity…

Come on people.

Sarah

7 March 2010 01:37

Like not capitalizing your ‘I’s?

Clare

9 March 2010 21:17

Well done Sarah….
James, texting has made people lazy & in your case a little forgetful! Nice to know you care.
I think it’s all about timing, you know, we’ve all had the right relationship at the wrong time etc…No matter how confident we are, or insecure, when “we” are ready, it will happen people. And when it’s right you will make mistakes and the other will accept them, and you will do the same. Interesting reading most of your points. Good Luck and on a lighter note, Cheers to getting our money’s worth haha!

Emily

10 March 2010 17:57

Throughout reading the whole of this I have been thinking exactly the same as James!
I have to admit- and to some of you this may sound picky- but poor spelling has put me off so many profiles before i’ve even scrolled down the page. I could have sworn I’d chosen ‘postgraduate’ when asking my level of education, I could have also sworn that I’d stated that level of education in my match was important to me.
We are all looking for something specific, and speaking for myself I was hoping that e-harmony would weed out what I wasn’t looking for and match them with someone who was looking for them….saving us both time, and sometimes embarassment when you have to close match for an ‘other’ or ‘rather not say’ reason….
Well, i’m not totally at a loss anyway, I managed to weed them down myself with lots of emails and phonecalls eventually, and I have 2 dates this weekend…..wish me luck!
And good luck to all of you too!
xx

Jenn

10 March 2010 20:23

Can I just ask how FRUSTRATING is this site and does anyone else feel the same? It’s painfully slow and worse of all you don’t know how long ago your “match” last logged in as no-one responds and why do men give one word answers in their profile? If you can’t be bothered to complete your profile properly after completing the lengthy questionnaires why join?

Ranting over there’s being patient but this is ridiculous and I’ve only been on here 3 weeks : ( not much result for the amount of money it costs!

Paul

11 March 2010 18:10

Worse thing you can ask a man? “What are you thinking?” We don’t know, we have no idea. We panic and start making things up we think you want us to say and almost always get it wrong. Stop asking us!

Sarah

12 March 2010 18:20

Jenn: I have been on for 1 month. Slow to begin with, a flurry in the middle and slow again now, although I’m talking to a great match at the moment. Give it time- the matches are also human!

Jenn

13 March 2010 09:57

Thanks Sarah, there’s been no flurry at all, I haven’t talked to one match yet : (. It’d just be nice to know when your match last logged in, if it’s been months or even years then at least you can make a decision whether to contact them or not…..

Pete

14 March 2010 04:20

Strewth, It’s 3am in the morning and because I can’t get to sleep I decided to read this lot for something to do.

YAWN, what a load of old cobblers. You all sound like a bunch of old women who sit glued to the Royal Family or Eastenders or Corrie. Infact you all sound as if you should all join a knitting circle.
Some of these comments DO however tend to make SOME sence whereas the majority of them tell me that certain people on here need to “Get A Life” with or without a darned smelly dog. Lol, sounds like you’re using a dog like Fishing Bait.Whatever next.
One woman I know lets her alsatian dog sleep on her bed with her and others it seems let the cats do the same thing,YUK

Many years ago a woman I was with did this with her cat. The darned thing used to want to sleep at the back of my head, lol, until it suddenly took flight across the room one night.That was the last time it did that, and NO it didn’t end the relationship. Lol, that came much later after I got shot of HER due to her being a Gold Digger.Have fun.

Sarah

14 March 2010 12:45

Pete, you sound wonderful. Good luck with your search

Sue

14 March 2010 16:17

Hi all,
I’ve just joined this site and I agree already that it seems very expensive for what they deliver!
This article made histerical reading and your comments were even funnier!
Why does there need to be ‘dating rules’?
(the rules sound like something out of ‘Sex & The City’!)
Life seems to have become very difficult when it used to be so simple! What I was used to was ‘boy meets girl- they are attracted to each other – they find out that they get on together (even though they may never have been each other’s ‘ideal’!)- and live happily ever after – well, ‘almost’!
My late husband and I evolved and changed together as did my previous 1st marraige, and neither of us expected ‘miracles’ from each other – just a good life and to be each other’s best friend, above all else.
It seems that everyone now wants so much more but never seem to find that elusive
‘something’ that they are searching for.
No one is perfect and I think it would all be a lot easier if we just accept that men and women are a different species! If we celebrate the differences and use each other’s special skills unique to their own gender then it would stop so many problems. For instance, us women know that most men are poor communicators so why do we get so upset when they don’t phone, text or email as often as they should? And most men know that women like to talk so why shut us up? etc.
We are all on here because we’re in the same boat – we all just want to meet someone we feel we will get on with and share some quality time together, no matter how long it lasts? So let’s keep it simple!
Good luck to us all.

Paula

14 March 2010 17:26

I have also been on just over a month, had tons of matches, but not one of the 20+ I’ve asked for photos has responded. C’mon guys! And thanks to all those guys who’ve “closed” because they don’t like the look of me, at least it’s honest. I am doing the same. If you’re not interested fellas, have the decency to close the match.

Jenn

18 March 2010 22:20

Here here Paula, I second that, guys “close” the matches if you’re not interested, I think the majority of women would prefer to be “closed” than left hanging…

Angelique

20 March 2010 10:30

Hmmm… I read half the comments and got bored as I wanted to discuss comments with people and their comments are months old so i agree that a chat room on Eharmony would be good . I would also have liked photos with the comments taken from the site so we have an idea of who wrote what.
if we had a chat room I suggest different discussion rooms so those into politics can go on to their hearts content to an appreciative audience( or argue) so what dyu think for different rooms eh?
Politics
Quizzes
arts
pets/animals
etc

debra

6 May 2010 12:30

Great reading all your rants and rages. In my case, I just feel sorry for the poor cow my ex lives with. How could she not have wondered where he was for 4 nights a week when he was sharing my bed – then back (supposedly) on the settee at the house they share?? Who are the stupid ones, men for doing it, or women for turning a blind eye? Come on Jayne – you know he’s been unfaithful for the past 8 years!!

On a lighter note, I fell compassion for Simon, Mike and Steve. I’m still trying to find love out there too. Here’s hoping…. if not, shall we all meet up and get plastered?

Kris

22 May 2010 09:55

Has anyone had a problem with an interfering relative like a mother, or an overprotective sister?

My ex ex was absolutely wonderful, and it was a perfect match that lasted a long time until her mother decided that she couldn’t handle her little girl growing up and started interfering and trying to embarrass and humiliate me. She also tried to split us up no end with a number of lies and slanderous allegations. My ex left home to be with me but then she received the threats too and eventually the tension was so great she became depressed and suicidal and I had to let her go.

My last relationship now was with a girl who had a twin sister and they did absolutely everything together. It was long-distance and we’d see each other about once every six weeks for a week and I asked her if we could concentrate on me and her while her sister was at uni during the day. She agreed, but was always texting her and it felt like we weren’t getting any “us” time. When we finally did, her sister got upset and said that she was feeling left out.

Was I over the top here or justified?

Kris

22 May 2010 09:56

I should add that working in mental health I really tried hard to help my ex ex and supported her as best I could but at the end of the day I felt her family should be more important to her.

Jane

29 May 2010 22:40

Wow! Such a backlash from 7 phrases that kill a relationship!! What happened? Was fun reading….look how horribe some are to others just on here….and we wonder why to all those other questions!! x

100

12 June 2010 16:18

Decide what you will and wont compromise, forget what others say. Be true to those standards dont erase the essence of you by compromising on things that lose who and what you stand for.

Ive decided I dont care for smoking, I hardly drink, and only someone local …hard?

101

Ann/R/Kee

18 June 2010 01:22

God, this dating game is soooooo complicated! I’ve been married for a few years now but I would love and adore to be out on “the scene” again.I must say, when I meet someone, I just am absolutely honest with them. It’s worked for me!

102

Karen

10 July 2010 22:00

I think the only thing not mentioned here is about the guys who close instantly.
Don’t you realise how shallow you are if you only see the face, and don’t even bother to find out about the person ? What makes men in their 40s think THEY look perfect anyway ?

103

Steve

24 August 2010 13:39

I dont know what the problem is – if someone closes you after viewing your profile then why are you assuming it’s because of ‘the face’ – it could be any aspect of the profile or another picture might show a person who is too fat or too thin or too qeeky or whatever. I think you should be able to handle rejection rather than be bitter about it and suggest it’s because men think they are ‘perfect’ and aren’t!

104

Cate

29 August 2010 11:30

Oh my goodness how on earth did we manage without dating sites. Many years ago it was Dateline – no photos – initial contact via phone, was a case of you take a chance.

I agree with Steve, yes it shallow when people judge you on looks alone but much better than keeping you on the back burner until something better comes along.
Come on girls, yes its hard to set yourself up for rejection but some men find any committment hard.

With regard to the 81/20 rule yes I think thats about the right ratio. I speak from experience having made very bad choices with a view I could somehow change the behaviour I was not happy with.

Finally I am on a free weekend trial and haven’t bothered to make contact with any matches – superficial I know but they are too old with very boring profiles.

105

Steve, manchester

31 August 2010 18:36

if you’ve been on the freeweekend Cate then you can’t even see the photos – I’d want to see a proto before I bother to read the profile – there has to be some initial spark.

106

Morpheous

2 September 2010 14:53

No ticky, no laundry!
No photo, no contact. end of. Call me shallow, but IMO I’d like to see if there is some kind of attraction there.
Honesty is always the best policy too and I would equally would like the same in return. I’m now sat here debating whether to take the blue pill or the red pill…

107

Cat

8 September 2010 13:22

I look at photos first. With some I think yes, a possibility, others it’s a definite no, with yet others I think hmm, maybe, not sure so I read the profiles before deciding to shut a match. Sometimes I’ll read a profile though a few times before making a decision either way because I find that, no matter how carefully I think I’m reading it, I miss something the first time around.

I’ve just archived a match that fit into the third reaction I gave above. I didn’t go yes when I saw his pic but I didn’t go no either. So I read his profile a couple of times and there was something, I can’t quite put my finger on what, that made me say no the more I read his profile.

108

Cat

8 September 2010 13:31

Re; ‘the phrases that can kill a relationship’, there is some sense in their.

I occasionally go on a parenting site and there is a relationships board. The amount of complaints on that board about a partner who won’t pull their weight is unbelievable. It does have a detrimental effect on the relationship.

I personally would hate the ‘You knew I was like this when we first met!’ As someone said above, it’s childish and pathetic. It’s one thing, for example, spending all your time on the x-box/ps2/3 when you’re single but to keep on doing it when you’re in a relationship, possibly with kids, is selfish in the extreme. Most people do change and mature as they get older and accept they have responsibilities and can’t always put themselves first. They accept that sometimes there needs to be compromise. I like the 80/20 equation too.

109

Steve, Manchester

11 September 2010 19:17

I couldn’t date someone who was addicted to computer games, it’s a bit immature for my liking!

110

Diane (Glasgow)

21 September 2010 22:18

Yeah I knew you drank like a fish when we met but you were 18 and you are now 30!! PATHETIC!!!

111

samantha hayesbritmanuk1@hotmail.com

29 September 2010 21:33

what a load of old cblers

112

Vic

9 October 2010 16:14

All I know is eharmony doesnt help when it says ‘sorry we cant match you’! Oh well back to match.com..

113

Susie

14 November 2010 13:27

Well I have read most of the above and there is a lot of sence in what has been said however, as a now aged divorcee who has been on my own for some 30years my experience of the opposite sex has changed as I have grown older. I think the main problem is ‘equality’, while I agree that woman should get equal pay and all that and men should pull their weight with household matters especially when both partners work I think this has had a very large impact on mans ego!!! He no longer knows exactly what is expected of him, most men inhave met try to put me on some sort of pedastle just because I have brought three children up on my own, achieved qualifications as an accountant and run my own business. All of this was done purely through necessity and a strong survival instinct, I would much rather of had a man to provide for me and my children but because I have been forced to ‘do it myself’ men in general stand in aw of me which is something I find very hard to live up to. All I ever wanted was man who could meet me half way, I never expected perfection we all have faults but all the men I have met have tried to make me this perfect person and are unable to then accept my faults when they see them. I don’t drink or smoke am loyal to the extreme and I am a hard worker, I am happy to cook and clean but will not be used as a door mate. I respect a partners individuality and try hard to make allowances for their inevitable shortcomings it’s a shame they could not be as forgiving in my direction. Now at 62 I breed cats as they are exellent company and accept my faults for what they are, are always there to love and comfort me and ask for little in return. I am not materialistic but should a man come along now I would expect him to be able to match my income and life stile as when I was younger I was accused of looking for a meal ticket for me and my children something I think I have proved I did not need.

114

Julie Morgan

2 December 2010 09:34

David (no.15). His comments are so ‘bang on’. Your a man after my own heart. You definately speak my language. Wish I could meet one like u x

115

Southern Steve

24 June 2011 04:58

All,

Its 4.50am and i can’t sleep. Just reading all the above and chuckling to myself why Battersea Dog’s home still needs funding as so many people have now got dogs or cats for company rather than people!

Well, isn’t it funny with all this internet dating and speed dating there are more single people out there than ever?

Seems to me from the comments we have all become moany old soaps, everyone airing their miserable failed relationships in public like hanging out dirty washing!

WHERE ARE THE POSITIVE COMMENTS GUYS?!!

Geeeeeesssus, by the time i read the last few posts my bag was nearly packed to join the local monastory, or mental hospital.

Let’s not analyse ourselves to death, tell jokes and smile more, alittle laughter wouldn’t hurt and perhaps taking oneself slightly less seriously may result in a more positive outlook on this forum!

Good luck abd be HAPPY people!

116

christine

12 August 2011 16:54

Sometimes we hurt the people we live,,,,,,,,there is no need to be perfect is there?? I was with an Ex for whom my moe negative emotions were not acceptable. Now thats not healthy is it???
Sometimes we all need to blow off and we say stuff we dont always mean. Just say sorry afterwards and mean it!!!

117

Giselle

14 August 2011 10:48

Southern Steve, couldn’t have put it better! You MUST know what went wrong before. If you’re not prepared to learn from that and move on with a view to enjoying life why are you trying to date?

Life is for living and having fun!

118

George

22 January 2012 16:52

One of the answers was about not many men answering these comments. My opinion however humble is that women are far too demanding. And when something does not go there way, they go in the huff. I wonder how many men recognise this?????

119

Alan

22 June 2012 13:30

What about – ”my ex??, were just mates why should i have to tell you if ive seen him, cant i have mates?” thats what ive just heard from my girlfriend. She has been spending time with her ex in her house who coincidentally still fancies her and wants her and doesnt see why not telling me is a problem, infact in my opinion its wrong altogether if your partner wouldnt be happy with it.. dont do it or at least give them the option to have their say rather than months later saying…. ‘yeah i saw him, we hung out, so what?!?’

This has torn me apart because i love her to pieces but she refuses to agree that its wrong and says she wouldnt care if i did it… but the point is i wouldnt do it!

120

thepeacehappiness

2 August 2012 07:29

alan – i am with you on this, never make her your girlfriend if she is still meeting up with her exes unless its out of necessity – ie kids. withhold all romance and affection and when she asks why say you have your ex and then hopefully she will drop him if not drop her and let he bed you to take her back. sounds to me this girl is no good though.

121

Oliver

20 January 2013 17:43

It is always so dangerous to bring up the ex when you are in a new relationship. The only excuse for chatting about your ex it when you are telling your new partner how much better they are than the ex!

122

Steve

15 April 2013 14:30

@thepeacehappiness – post 120

No, that’s completely wrong. Withholding romance and affection like that is just playing games with your partner, which is a horrible thing to do. Best to just be honest and say you don’t like how close they are.

Alan: It’s a difficult one, this. If he still wants and fancies her then unless she’s dense she must know this. And if she’s spending all this time with him, as friends, knowing he still wants her, then really she’s being unfair to both you and her ex. (I know you probably don’t care about her ex’s feelings, which is fair enough, I wouldn’t either).

It sounds to me like she doesn’t care about your feelings, or his feelings… just her own. If she really cared for how you feel then she should at least have tried to reassure you rather than the “yeah, so what?” bull$hit, and if she really cared about her ex’s feelings then really she wouldn’t spend so much time with him, knowing how he feels. Sounds like she only cares about herself. Don’t just withhold affection though; say she’s being unreasonable and unfair and clearly not caring about what you feel, and if she’s still adamant about her doing nothing wrong then she clearly only takes care of number 1 and you’d be better off without her!

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