27 October 2009
When to share your deepest secrets
by eHarmony
Most people have a secret or two they keep under wraps, but how do you deal with spilling the beans to a potential partner?
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We’ve all got a few skeletons in the closet, whether they’re mistakes we’ve made in the past or ways we’ve been wronged by others. And while we may be comfortable enough to talk about them with close friends or family, the idea of sharing them with a new partner can be terrifying.
If you’re in this situation, here are four things to remember:
You’re not the only one
Nobody is perfect, and we’ve all made some mistakes, or had experiences we’re not proud of. But if you’re worrying about your secret, remember that countless other people have probably had the same experience. And if they haven’t, they’ll have their own skeletons they’re not proud of.
It’s between you and your potential partner
When dating, we all have ideas about what is an absolute deal breaker for a relationship; ranging from the fact that you couldn’t stand to go out with a smoker, to not wanting to take on someone else’s children. Unfortunately, we can’t second guess these things, and there’s no point trying. Your secret may spell the end of your relationship, or it may simply be accepted graciously. All you can do (or rather, all we would strongly advise you to do) is be open and honest , and hope the person you have put your faith in will not let you down.
A problem shared….
If you are scared of sharing your secret with your new partner, is it because you haven’t yet shared it with anyone? You may find it very helpful to talk to a trusted friend, family member or even a counsellor before sharing with anyone else. Their acceptance should be very healing and will help you gain the confidence to speak to your partner. Also ask if you have accepted yourself and your secret – until you do so, you may find it difficult to form a close relationship with another person.
Don’t let the past affect your future
The shame or regret you may be carrying around, as a result of your secret, could cloud your judgement in dealing with new relationships. For example, you may choose unsuitable partners because you feel that they are the only ones you deserve. Or you may simply end relationships prematurely because you think the other person will break up with you anyway once they find out about the ‘real’ you.
To end on a positive note, it’s important to remember that your past is behind you, and that you can only now influence the future. Our deepest darkest secrets are often nowhere near as shocking as we think they will be to other people. And most importantly, remember that you deserve love and acceptance from a partner.
1
Joe
10 November 2009 23:04
This summer – for the first time – I fell madly in love (almost at first sight) with someone who also felt the same about me. I felt so comfortable with her, and wanted so much to share everything with her and for her to accept me, that I told her too soon (within the first few weeks) about my skeletons. Because she’d known me for so short a period of time, she didn’t have enough experience against which to balance my past, and within a few weeks she walked away, despite still being in love with me, simply because she couldn’t handle what I’d told her. I know that – given time – she would have been far more capable of dealing with it.
My advice would be that everything written above is true … but that you must let your partner know who you really are now, before you tell them about who you used to be. I suffered dreadfully to learn this, and I wouldn’t wish upon anyone the pain of watching someone you love walk away from you, so I would be very happy if this advice proved helpful to even one person.
2
damilare
11 November 2009 13:42
Well,i want to belief that she did not love u per say,she might like u naturally,but not LOVE,if she actually love u,she wont walk away n matter what u must have told her,infac, she should see u as a honest individual,to have told her abt ur past,she also has some bad records in the past,nobody is free,though the magnitude matters,just keep on in life,and u will love someone better.ok
3
jenny
12 November 2009 00:36
That is so sad Joe. It’s really difficult to know where to start; if she really feels as strongly as you think then why not try talking/ writing to her and try and explain that this was only a very tiny part of who you are and there is (obviously) so much more to you than this one fact? If her feelings are as you thought then you have nothing to lose? However I do not wish to encourage you to be overly optimistic? I completely fell in love with someone who chose not to be with me due to his own skeletons and have written him letters on my computer that I have never had the courage to send; perhaps you have nothing to lose? Either way Good Luck, I wish you all the success in the world!
4
bob
14 March 2010 16:54
A secret is only a secret till you tell someone! You may have a loving relationship today, but be at war with that person some time later – for example a custody battle.
So unless its a secret you have to tell them, like you have HIV or one that is going to be found out anyway – keep your own council!
5
Kris
22 May 2010 10:10
I told my ex ex about my skeletons within the first few weeks as I felt it best to get it over with and let her know what she was getting in to from my past. She had no problem, except that she asked her mother for advice…not good!