24 November 2009
How to talk about your finances
by eHarmony
Money is always a tricky topic, but it shouldn’t be glossed over when a relationship gets serious. Don’t let it be an obstacle to finding love. Whether you’ve hit the jackpot or are troubled with debt, discover the etiquette to revealing what you’ve got.
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There’s no doubt that personal finances can put extra pressure on a relationship. 50% of Britons are stressed about how their wealth is going to affect their love life, according to eHarmony research. But, be it good or bad, being honest about your own situation can help smooth the path to finding love. Find out how and when to divulge your worth.
When is the right time?
A relationship in its early stages: You’re not obliged to reveal all on a first date. There’s definitely a risk of too much too soon and you don’t want your finances to overshadow more important issues. But take care not to mislead a potential partner. Be honest about the kind of lifestyle you lead or you’ll create problems later. The good news is that a troubled economy seems to make people reassess their priorities and more keen to find love. 25% of people are now feeling a greater desire to be in a relationship.
A relationship in its middle stages: Early on, your finances are nobody else’s business, but as a relationship develops, it’s only fair that a partner knows what they’re letting themselves in for. If you’ve reached the point where you’d have concerns if the situation were in reverse, now’s the time to talk. But the key is trust. If you don’t trust the other person yet, then don’t go into specific details. If you do, then you can be more forthcoming.
A serious relationship: Just as you can reveal all too soon, it’s possible to wait too long. To get engaged before confessing you’ve accumulated huge debts would be grossly unfair! There’s a fine line between the middle phase of relationship and that which has become serious. Financial details will always emerge eventually so don’t let a partner feel you’ve been holding back important information.
How do you tackle the topic?
A relationship in its early stages: Again, get to know a person before divulging your financial worth. If you think you’ve found love, give them a clear picture of how you live your life so that later revelations won’t come as a surprise.
A relationship in its middle stages: As things develop, look for the right moment to put them in the picture. The best approach is to find a means to naturally slip it into conversation. A good time might be during discussions about what makes you stressed or your hopes for the future. Integrate it smoothly into conversation and it will seem less like you’re confessing and more like you’re sharing.
A serious relationship: If you’ve resisted sharing until your relationship is firmly cemented, then it’s vital you come clean soon. Be open, talk about your fears and help your partner see why you haven’t been comfortable talking about this part of your life in the past. If they can comprehend why you held back, they are likely to be more understanding.
Of course honesty and trust are essential when finding love. Can you count on your partner’s intentions and motives? If so, then sharing shouldn’t be difficult. If not, perhaps you should question why you are with them at all or at least not rush things. Wait until that trust is established.
1
Jane
24 November 2009 18:14
I think this is some helpful advice, I was made redundant at the start of the recession, having never been out of work before. Eight months on I am back in work but I think my finances are in shambles. I’ll get it sorted, I work hard and I am a good girl but if I was dating someone in my postion i’d be wary. I am independant and making ends meet but credit agencies are big on guilt by association so living with someone would be out of the question because through no fault of there own it would impact here credit history.Harsh but true.
2
Ellie
12 December 2009 01:04
I think Jane’s comments are very negative and depressing for anyone finding themselves in a difficult financial position. Surely it doesn’t mean the end of everything else too, because that makes things much harder to cope with!
3
Jenny
12 December 2009 11:36
I rather know if the person I have met is looking for a free ride. My finances are like a see saw but stable. Used to dealing with money matters. Comes of being married to someone who left me penniless years in the past. It is important to be honest by talking about lifestyles. I would be wary of living with someone until I knew more about him.
4
Anna
20 January 2010 19:28
I think this is a very important topic to discuss and am pleased that eHarmony is raising the issue. I have seriously dated some entrepreneurs who, due to business cycles, became skint at times. It in no way impacted my loving feelings for them; actually, the relationships became stronger after they confessed their troubles and we could work together to economize and conquer. However, to attach one’s cart to a person with undisclosed debts can be an absolute nightmare, including — as Jane above noted — ruining one’s credit rating.
5
Mark Slane
11 February 2010 23:13
I have just recently been through a difficult engagement in which the person i was with had been a divorce of her father and her mother and her mother was living with someone else who was not very sociable.