16 November 2009
Why a man won’t emotionally commit
by eHarmony
When you first start dating - whether via a dating website, or any other method - you and your partner seem on the same page - you’re equally as affectionate and as loved up with each other. But we’ve all been there; suddenly everything changes and he becomes distant and cold for no apparent reason. Read on to find out why.
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In the early stages of what appears to be the start of a great relationship, men will often be attentive, caring and eager to share their feelings. It seems as though he is ready to put everything into your blossoming relationship.
Then out of the blue, his open and interested behaviour disappears. Suddenly, the caring, sharing man you thought you were dating appears to have been replaced with someone who has no interest in your partnership. This is something dating expert Christian Carter calls Predictable Male Withdrawal – but there are ways to spot it, and tackle it.
Why men suddenly withdraw
According to Christian Carter, many men are ‘withdrawers’ in relationships, but unfortunately most of them don’t know this for themselves. And if they do, they’re not going to tell you about it.
So, you’re never going to hear a man say, “I think you’re great, and I’d love to enter into a committed relationship with you, but I’m not emotionally available. Is it ok if I sometimes become distant from you without explaining why?”
One of the great things about online dating with eHarmony, is that you get a much better sense of someone before you even meet them in person. But, unfortunately, even we can’t promise you a man won’t be a ‘withdrawer’ – however, you can learn to spot them.
Spotting a withdrawer, and learning to deal with him
The first test is to look at your date’s other relationships. Is he positive and caring about his family and friends? Listen to how he talks about them, and if you get the chance, how he acts around them. If he seems emotionally detached, he might be the same with you too.
If you’ve decided you’ve got a withdrawer on your hands, these tips should help you:
1. Don’t become the ‘convincer’
The natural female reaction to the withdrawer is to unconsciously become the ‘convincer’, trying to get him to be more open emotionally. This usually manifests itself as begging or nagging – which is exactly the kind of needy behaviour that pushes withdrawn men away even more.
2. Stay positive
In a relationship, we tend to focus on problems rather than solutions, meaning we become stressed and worried. But, by staying positive and viewing problems as opportunities for learning and growth, then you will most likely have a positive effect on your withdrawn partner too.
3. Use the power of attraction
As women, we often assume that the way to solve a relationship problem is to talk about it with our partner, as we do with our friends. But in reality, it is attraction that changes a man, not talking. This is what drew you to him in the first place, and physical and emotional attraction, will create the bond that could overcome his withdrawing issues.
1
Ufuoma
21 November 2009 19:05
I say dump the guy!! You didn’t start out your search looking for an emotionally distant man, so why should you settle for one? A relationship is hard enough without that distance. Fact of the matter is that a man who is really into you and loves you, will not be emotionally distant with you. If you don’t ditch him, you might soon find yourself ditched for the woman he is ready to take to the alter after only a few dates!!!
2
Patricia
25 November 2009 00:42
This does make sense, thanks for the advice, even the most caring man hesitates once in a while and gets to be the silent one. Reading on what men are looking for in a woman has been an eye opener, I am not sure that women can keep up with their expectations but they probably feel the same about our expectations of them!
3
ann
28 November 2009 18:28
It seems to me that that type of relationship would be a bit one sided and I should know.I agree with Ufuoma.I stayed with a distant man for 27 years of an unhappy marriage because I stayed positive ..it got me absolutely nowhere..I wasted my good years on him..and I wasnt strong enough to get out earlier….that type of guy will never change to emotionaly connect to you so dont waste your life on him !
4
JJ
31 December 2009 14:53
Absolutely! Don’t waste your time. If he hasn’t shown commitment to you within the first year/18 months, start walking.
It’s a cliche, but life really IS too short, and there are nicer men out there for you.
5
J
1 January 2010 04:04
Everybody needs a bit of space from time to time, but I’ve found this type of coldness is a sign of huge problems from the past and/or a chip on the shoulder that hasn’t been dealt with, sometimes a hatred of women that can be hidden beneath the surface. It usually comes out in around 3 months as they can’t keep up the pretence. It’s often from men who have serious emotional problems and are in denial, or are just too cowardly to finish a relationship so they distance themselves so the woman has to make the decision – it makes the woman the bad guy, thus enhancing their belief that women are evil, which makes them feel good as it ‘proves them right’ and they can stay in denial. It’s very iffy, best thing to do is smile and walk away. It becomes clear pretty soon if they are genuine and want to work through it they will.
6
G
13 January 2010 15:16
Thanks J, so I am not the only one with experience of this. The 3 month timeframe is so accurate. I would like to add though at all costs avoid the verbally aggressive distance man and run don’t walk away. I speak from experience.
7
Monica
21 January 2010 19:15
Thanks J, absoulately 3 months is spot on, just wish I had noticed my ex boyfriend’s detached attitude to his friends, family and children. I should have followed my gut feeling and ran!
8
mini
5 March 2010 01:02
thanks all. and here i was wondering how to make this emotionally not available man notice me. A common friend told me that he went through a bad divorce – his wife walked on him a year and half ago. I have really liked this person but I suppose going by wisdom from all of you – it is not worth it i guess. Any other advice?
9
k
9 April 2010 10:03
I have been talking to this guy on the site now for 3 months, he keeps going all hot and cold however he said he likes me and wants to meet. He does have a busy job and i dont think his work life balance is great. I have decided to give him space and enjoy myself rather than wait arround for him, what do you reckon?
10
Steve, Manchester
15 September 2010 09:09
I recon he’s in a relationship and you should run a mile.
11
CC
13 February 2011 20:07
Any man or women who is unable to articulate their feelings, their needs and their vision for their life has been damaged emotionally. Most likey in childhood. If you stay in a relationship with this person it will only cause you pain and heartache. YOU are not their therapist. They are not your project to fix. Leave them and find someone who is emtionally available.
12
B
23 February 2011 08:39
Wow! Thanks for all those comments. Ufuoma that was spot on! You set out searching for an emotionally healthy man, why should you settle for less? I understand that childhood has not been kind to many of us, me included, but many healthy men I met then did not want to have anything to do with me and I take a lesson from them. I worked hard on getting my emotional wholeness and trust God to help me meet an emotionally and spiritually mature person. If he shows keeness to work through his issues, I will accept all in the article above.
13
Hurt and Confused
15 April 2011 19:53
What about the male friend who was eager and open for nearly a year before shutting down and becoming distant? How can you tell the difference between him wanting to leave, found someone else or some state of depression?
My best male friend has recently become distant after more than a year of willingly opening up to me about things. He said it was nothing I did to offend him, but can’t explain what happened and gets easily annoyed when I bring it up. He says it’s not because of another girl. So, as friends, why can’t he just tell me? Does he maybe harbor feelings for me that I was unaware of? Or, could he feel as if I’ve become co dependent on our friendship? He still initiates contact, but more of an aquaintance now, as opposed to the close friendship we previously had.
14
Debbie
24 October 2011 16:32
This has just happened to me. I was living with a guy for 16 months. We clicked immediately and I moved in after a few months. All was well until recently. He said he loved me but was not in love with me and had Never had been in love with anyone and probably never will. He said he thought the world of me though!! He said he just couldnt get his head around life and thought it came from his childhood. He said perhaps he is more suited to casual relationships. He is 55!! I am heartbroken and have moved out.