18 December 2009
Five reasons you’ve not reached the bedroom yet
by eHarmony
You’ve met a great match and things seem to be going well, but you haven’t quite taken in to the next level yet. Here are five reasons why things might not be moving at the pace you wish they were.
You’ve met a great match and things seem to be going well, but you haven’t quite taken in to the next level yet. You have lovely evenings together, but you’re not getting much more than a kiss goodnight.
It’s also probably the last thing you want to bring up, just in case you freak them out. So, here are five reasons why you could be stuck on this level of intimacy that should help you decide what you can do next.
They haven’t figured out how you feel about them
Just because you think you’ve shown your match that you like them, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re getting the message. It’s an age old problem, but men and women often don’t know how to communicate. Your partner might be unsure whether you’re seeing other people, or simply doesn’t know where the relationship is going. Tell them how you feel, and reassure him or her about what your expectations for the relationship are. If you’re not in it for the long run, let them know, to avoid hurt feelings.
They haven’t figured out how they feel about you
For many people – especially women – sex is more than just a physical act, it’s about a much deeper connection. And if your partner isn’t sure how they feel about you, they might not be willing to hop into bed until they’ve got it figured out. Let your other half get to know the real you, open up a little bit – you may be surprised by the outcome.
They don’t want to rush into things
Often when women or men want to take a relationship slowly, it’s because they’ve been burnt in the past. If your partner seems hesitant, persuade them to talk about their past relationships. Maybe their last relationship ended bitterly, or maybe they’ve taken things fast before and subsequently been treated badly by their partner. Don’t assume your girlfriend or boyfriend is just a prude – if it’s the case they they’ve been hurt in the past then they’re being pretty savvy protecting their emotions. If they’re worth it, you’ll wait until they’re ready.
They’re dating other matches
With modern relationships, you can never assume you’re in an exclusive relationship until you’ve had ‘that’ conversation. With internet dating especially, there is the opportunity to meet a lot of people in a short amount of time, and it is perfectly possible that the person you’re seeing is seeing other people too. Your partner may be trying to figure out which person they feel they connect with the most. This won’t be an easy subject to broach, but if you feel you’re ready, it’s best to work out if they’re on the same page.
She wants to wait until after marriage
Saving sex for marriage may seem like an archaic view to some, but there are still people who make this choice. It could be for religious or simply personal reasons – but either way, remember that your partner made the decision long before they met you. And if this is the case, then don’t even think about trying to change their mind. If she talks about her values, morals or beliefs, take this as a cue to broach the subject. Bear in mind that they may feel nervous about talking about their decision too, as it’s likely they’ve had negative reactions to their choice in the past. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide whether they’re worth waiting for.
If one of these particular points resonates with you, then you may have the answer you’re looking for. The most important thing for you to do is open the lines of communication – after all, if they’re worth it, you’ll make the effort.
1
Andrew
31 December 2009 11:49
Mostly good advice, although I strongly disagree with the “don’t even think about trying to change their mind” part of the final section. My ex used to take the so-called “moral” stance of wanting to wait until marriage. After we had been together for a while, I sensitively brought up the topic and gently explained why I believed it to be an unhealthy way to conduct a relationship. She went on to change her mind. Eventually we broke up (for unrelated reasons), but I know she does not regret the decision she made.
So, if anyone is in this situation I would say that as long as you bring up the subject in a gentle and respectful way, it is definitely worth doing so.
2
Mike
9 January 2010 01:54
I am more from the school of Swiss Tony, a woman is like a car you wouldn’t buy one without fully test driving it
Only joking , if you have been dating for a number of months and you are staying around her place and you are in a separate bed then something wrong , If that happened to me I certainly would feel she wasn’t interested and may even be seeing me as just a mate , oh and sharing a bed doesn’t mean you have to have full sex
3
Helen
15 January 2010 12:55
Actually guys can have religious feelings, too! Deciding to wait until marriage isn’t an exclusively female trait if your moral views preclude it.
4
Belle
27 January 2010 22:53
Once upon a time, I used to think and believe that intimacy was part of a successful relationship. I also grew into thinking that if a man was eager to be intimate with me it was an indication of desire for a long term relationship. I was wrong. A woman is not like a car, you cannot direct it where you want it to go, she is a person with feelings, emotions and something lots of people forget, freinds and family who are left to pick up the pieces of a deceitful person who has just upset their loved one. When you have sex with someone repeatedly and eventually they still either are not satisfied or see other people or simply realise they don’t want your company just your privates, its stressful, it mucks up your internal thoughts and most of all it makes you feel used if you find out it was all to satisfy an urge for the man or an ego OR violated if you realise you were inadvertently sharing body fluids with a stranger or sometimes someone you know. When I first chose celibacy years ago and finally met someone, after talking him thru my feelings about intimacy and explaining I shied away from intimate relationship he was so desperate he persisted till he got his way and promptly dissapeared, He had conquered and that was that, he felt that meant he called the shots, for other men that I met similarly they felt awed that I was so loyal and simply would not go away or make a commitment. I returned to celibacy, it has given me the zest to tackle other areas of life, to enjoy my own company more and to live without fear and worry about when someone might just check on me simply because they want a sweet thang! I am celibate again because I have learned that a loving relationship does not rely solely on sexual contact and that by doing so, I maintain a clear mind and don’t give something away that I later regret in a significant way. I have also chosen to do so because I feel strongly that taking time to know someone is important and interestingly, for a majority of women, when they love all aspects of the way they feel about a man and around a man, the sex is secondary i.e it just takes a look for you to have a climaxing and emotional feeling or a touch not sex just a hug, a kiss, a cuddle, a romantic message or gesture. Knowing your man and him commiting to you gives you the feeling of being at the top of the world, you know what he likes, does not like, what his temperament is like and understand him and most of all you develop a natural instinct to respect, protect and accept him and once you have that its not how long he keeps going, its not how many positions he knows, its your mind, your emotions unite and everything is electric. I have found peace in celibacy, redeveloped my self esteem and respect for everyone who understands that and feel sorry for those who still run around with a bag of condoms, bang around in your bed like a billy goat, lack etiquette and are emotionless but still keep coming back as long as you do remember something important as a friend told me once when I sought her sympathy when a man used and dumped me …. ‘ oh, my sister, the man has not behaved well, he just took advantage, but hold on, who let him in the bed?. Now if a man wants me, he can make my dad who is a parent like any other a proud and honorable man and thank him for giving the shirt off his back so I could have the best start in live and my mum who has nurtured and loved me unconditionally the opportunity to at least say yes thanks for asking and yes you may have our daughter or borrow her as they say in Africa, as culturally our children are not for sale.
Good luck to all, each to his own and may we all find love in ourselves first so we can find it in others.
5
Stephanie
9 February 2010 00:33
I agree with the most part… also the person (either partner) just may not be ready… i’m in my early twenties and still have not made that step! It has nothing to do with waiting for marrage, religious reasons it’s I just havent felt that i’ve found a person i’d want to share that part of my life with yet… i don’t think a person should be pittied, looked down upon or even observed as a prude purley because they choose not to have sex with someone.
If you are in a relationship, ask the person how they feel… not in a confrontatinal manner but just so that the other mamber of the relationship can understand. I believe that for me trust in the person is essensial… think how self concious you were on your first time, think of that and you may understand why some people make this choice.
6
Shirley
27 February 2010 13:23
There’s no mention in the article about issues of people being self-conscious, about being over a certain age when performance/libido issues might have begun to play a part.
Men and women may fear that their new partner has expectations that they can’t fulfil and while they are enjoying the company, the romance, the sharing, they are nervous that they might not be a) up to the job b) as attractive naked c) as confident as they once were etc.
There is a culture among some young people (not exclusively) for promiscuity which leads to huge pressure on those who don’t wish to follow this path. I think even Andrew’s gentle persuasion to get his own way inevitably meant his relationship was doomed – even if it appears to him to be for other reasons. Leading people down the path of temptation and thereby altering their view point on an issue of such sensitivity for what can only be for personal gain defies the solid foundation upon which a relationship needs to be built.
I would equate it with someone thinking smoking isn’t for them but they are persuaded into it by someone who “cares” for them. Why the need for the persuasion away from celibacy if that is the other person’s stand-point? I can’t see any reason apart from the instigator’s personal gratification. Ergo the relationship is not respectful, based on trust or equal.
7
Neil
15 March 2010 00:56
I think it’s a bit rude to suggest that Andrew is deluded about his own relationship and that you somehow know better of it.
8
Helen W
31 May 2010 17:50
If a person makes a conscious decision to live a certain way – for whatever reason – then anyone who cares for them will understand it and respect their views.
We live in a society which considers pre-marital sex normal and abstinence abnormal, The persistent entreaties of someone you love reinforces this belief and leads to the fear of losing them because of whatever honeyed terms of disapproval with which they fill your ears. It’s then only a matter of time before one thing leads to another… and only a matter of time before any respect held for your partner or yourself disappears because you were the person they wanted you to be rather than the person you actually are.
Shirley’s comparison with smoking is a good one but I think it’s more in line with drinking. Nobody can understand anyone not drinking alcohol and nobody can understand not having regular sex. yet it’s proven that both, if done responsibly, can be good for you. It’s up to each person to decide when, and with whom, the time is right. For anyone to suggest otherwise is arrogant and is an attempt to pretend that they’ve done the right thing when they have actually done something very wrong.
9
Fiona
7 July 2010 22:35
I’m in my early twenties and the number of people my age who believe that it’s a good idea to jump into bed with someone within 3, 4 or even 5 months of starting to see someone romantically worries me.
After much self-reflection over the last year or so, I’ve now realised that I would prefer to wait for the relationship to be properly established before taking that step because I’ve been burned and it isn’t nice. Getting to know somebody properly as a person is much more important in a relationship than sex. Any man who’s worth knowing will know this too and you don’t get to really know somebody until a good few months have passed.
I’ve come to realise that until a man gets to know, care about and respect me, it’s just not worth it to even consider sex with him. And any decent man will respect my wishes. Pressuring a person for sex is not respectful and damages self-esteem. I think you should want the person before wanting their body.
10
meaty
11 July 2010 08:47
I am in my mid thirties and I have had very few partners. I don’t regret it one bit. When I do sleep with a man, I ask myself first if I have a pretty good idea of his flaws and how I would feel if I slept with him and he never spoke to me again. I think it is ok to sleep with men after a few months, but only if you are emotionally ready for whatever the consequences may be (and you use protection). We women sometimes don’t even want to consider the possibility that the man may just be interested in sex. If we ask ourselves the question and honestly know that it would hurt us to be used by the particular guy, we should not go ahead. I have learned that often men are not truly intending to hurt us, they just really really want to have sex with us. Their desire can overshadow their morals. I am not making excuses for them, but if you see it from this perspective, it makes it easier to get over a failed dalliance. So, if you like a guy too much to risk having him love you and leave you, wait to have sex.
11
Jane
26 December 2010 19:12
Interesting article. I am early 30s and have had only 2 partners and waited until we were ready for long-term relationships before things got physical. I have lost many men who we could get on and have nice dates etc but did not want to wait, which was their choice. I am looking to share myself with that one person who will turn out to be long-term/have a marriage, but in these previous cases I did not have to pick up the pieces of getting used and then dumped afterwards. In one case online here, I was upfront to give the guy the option of knowing that was or wasn’t for him, and I got told in pretty agressive demanding terms that how could I refuse him! He later turned out to be banned from this site (not my doing). Basically I don’t want to share something so imtimate with the next guy, and then the next, when relationships don’t work out.