Marriage might have its share of pleasures but a few arguments are par for the course. The same topics come up time and again for different couples. Ask any of your married ^[1] friends what they squabble about and they’ll probably name your exact same concerns. Know how to tackle these bones of contention, however, and you’ll keep the peace with ease.

Money

If it isn’t top of the list in your marriage, it’s likely to be close. The details of what a husband and wife save and spend are an age-old source of marital conflict. Exactly what constitutes a ‘necessity’ is usually a hot topic.

Tip: Decide on a set amount each of you can spend every month, regardless of budget. That way, whether its £50 a month or £500, you can spend that money on whatever you deem necessary without discussion or disagreement.

Chores

Keeping a household in shape takes a lot of work and chores can easily become a source of resentment. At some stage in any marriage, it is likely that one of you will feel hard done by.

Tip: For one week, each of you should keep a note of everything you do around the house. Often, both of you will find you do more than each other realise. Then sit down and divide the work appropriately, taking into account the work you do away from home. Be aware that a 50-50 split will not necessarily be ‘fair’. Try your new system out for a few weeks and then assess whether it’s working. Make sure you don’t carry out your chores begrudgingly and always be appreciative of each other’s efforts.

Sex

The frequency or infrequency of sex is often a source of marital rifts – complicated further by differing amounts of desire and enjoyment.

Tip: It’s important that both sides initiate sex on a regular basis, not just one. Remedying imbalances will result in fewer complaints from the more eager side and give the other more say over the frequency and schedule.

Irritating habits

Some bad habits are very common – like leaving the loo seat up, being too picky about food in restaurants and chewing too noisily – while others are more idiosyncratic. But no matter how innocent they may seem, they can be enough to drive the other person mad.

Tip: If a habit really gets to you, ask them gently to stop. But if this fails, you need to let it go or risk becoming an equally annoying nag. Marriages are full of too many important things to argue about to allow yourself to get worked over whether they bite their nails or not. If you still can’t handle it, try and remove yourself from the room or look away until they have stopped.

Parents

Arguments about in-laws are the ultimate marriage cliché. Many a fight has emerged from questions like ‘Whose parents should we spend Christmas with?’ and ‘How involved should they be in our lives?’

Tip: Your partner must be your top priority. You should love and respect your parents but never waiver in your support to your spouse. Of course you can disagree with your partner and side with your parents occasionally but your husband or wife must ultimately know that you’re on their side.

Children

Disagreements about your children are likely to be the most emotional in a marriage. It’s also very natural that a couple will have differing ideas about issues like how strict they should be with their kids and how to protect and challenge them.

Tip: To prevent disagreements from becoming too heated, acknowledge that you don’t have to parent in exactly the same way. You should establish which principles you both consider most important and work together to instil them but you can differ in the ways you go about this. If you do have arguments, try and resolve them away from your children and then make sure they see you as a united team. Or, if you can work through differences without fighting, do so in front of your kids to set an example of how adults should communicate and negotiate when they disagree.

While marriages can be deeply fulfilling, conflicts are part of the package. If you learn to address these in an open and respectful fashion, you’ll build a relationship that not only lasts but continues to strengthen.